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Original poster

DH's response to offensive comments

121 replies

Song33 · 06/06/2019 17:58

Scrolling back through DH's text messages to look for a postcode (at his request, while he was driving), I spotted a message his friend sent insinuating that DH might visit a prostitute whilst away for work.

DH's reply was to laugh and turn it back on him as being more his friend's style, but not before pointing out where he was and what he was doing, as though it would be difficult to do given the circumstances.

I know it's his friend and maybe he wanted to make light of it or not get into it if he has a different opinion on these matters (I believed he did!) but I wanted to see a reply along the lines of how he's happily married and wouldn't want to be exploitative to women!

Should I ask him about this? Am I wrong to be annoyed?

OP posts:
AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 19:53

God some people on this thread sound unbearable tedious.

Please leave the man to manage his own banter.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 19:55

What is scary is the number of women who seem so insecure and desperate to be the "cool wife" that they excuse the poor behaviour of some men under the guise of lad's banter, and then try to aggressively shame other women who don't tolerate it by calling them humourless, self righteous, controlling etc.

If the OP's husband were the originator of the (dull, unfunny) prostitute joke, you might just be onto something here.

Tavannach · 07/06/2019 20:03

Please leave the man to manage his own banter.

Not if it's offensive to others.
The attitude behind it speaks of the kind of man who doesn't much enjoy his day job, has a few down the pub with the lads by way of a social life and resent people who are doing better in life than they are. So they denigrate women for fun. They're real losers and it's worrying that some of them might be the fathers of daughters.

AlaskanOilBaron · 07/06/2019 20:07

Jesus who are you referring to, Tavannach, the guy who made this joke or the OP's husband, who deflected?

You sound completely unhinged.

And any banter beyond the weather will always be offensive to some. I don't want to live in your sanitised fantasy land, thank you very much.

Tavannach · 07/06/2019 20:10

AlaskanOilBaron

The kind of man who thinks misogynistic banter is harmless.

(Your fantasy of me is inaccurate btw.)

Shequakes · 07/06/2019 20:22

I find it really sad that there are so many women here who put up with men who have so little respect for women. There are plenty of men out there who are not like that. You just need to have some standards and not put up with this shit.

I find it really sad that anyone believes their husband challenges everyone over everything said and never laughed at an inappropriate joke. Even if it was just out of politeness

SallyWD · 07/06/2019 20:29

Oh honestly, the husband's response was completely fine! OK if he and his mates were having a serious discussion about whether they'd use prostitutes then he could have said "Well no as I'm happily married and I think the sex trade exploits women" but really - to say that in response to a joke?! My friend joked about picking up a male stripper for the night (she never would and wouldn't want to in the slightest. It was a joke) and it never occurred to me that I should lecture her about the exploitation of strippers and the fact that she shouldn't cheat on her partner! She would have thought I'd lost the plot if I reacted that way to a joke!

ReanimatedSGB · 07/06/2019 20:44

It's the people who think any lighthearted expression of, or reference to, sexual desire who have the bigger problem. Being horrified by sexual expression is a fairly reliable indicator of a dysfunctional, controlling personality.

Totaldogsbody · 07/06/2019 21:24

Some people here must live in cloud cuckoo land. Being P C all the time will never happen because if we get rid of jokes about sex, race, physical impairment the P C crowd will start in on something else. The OPs DH replied the same way most men would maybe it wasn't appropriate but fgs it was an honest reply that he didn't try and hide, be disgusted by it if you want but dont kid yourselves that your DPs wouldn't react the same way as would the majority of women having a laugh with their friends.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 08/06/2019 05:23

total not all of us are married to sexist idiots who follow the crowd.

Nothing PC about that and I will laugh at most anything, but the exploitation of women fails to raise a chuckle in our house.

RiversDisguise · 08/06/2019 05:47

I assume that if my husband replied to a jokey text from his mates with a lecture, he wouldn't have any any mates.

Ffs my mate just texted me that she is going to kill her husband if we (she and I) don't go drinking soon. Should I write back that mariticide is wrong and joking about domestic violence is wrong? That my husband may be offended if he reads my texts and I haven't upbraided her?

She'd tell me to take the stick out of my arse.

Trebla · 08/06/2019 06:05

Is sex work exploitative though. Yes some is, most definitely, but all?

FWIW sex work is legal where I live and regulated. It can be a legitimate career choice.

Trebla · 08/06/2019 06:06

Also, the term prostitute is actually derogatory and not one sex workers use to describe themselves.

Ravenclawclassof84 · 08/06/2019 07:21

OP, it sounds like your OH didn't feel the need to point out he was married and wouldn't ever have visited a sex worker anyway as presumably his friend already knew this. To respond to such a jokey comment, however daft, with "Now (friend), you know perfectly well I'm happily married and besides, I find the exploitation of women in obviously very desperate situations quite abhorrent and I would never partake in such a thing" would be needlessly preachy and it would be far more usual to laugh it off. I'm not a cool wife by any means but I don't expect people to give lectures in response to silly jokes.

toomuchtooold · 08/06/2019 07:27

It's just, if he'd said to his friend something like "that's a bit creepy, what are you on about?" - you know like, challenged the idea that it was OK to joke about - you'd be thinking, what a hero. But like most people he's not a hero, he's just ordinary, and ordinary non-heroic people sometimes give sort of passive consent to offensive jokes like this. And that is a bit disappointing, to see your OH being not a hero.

Totaldogsbody · 08/06/2019 14:02

Iamalways
I'm definately not married to a sexist idiot in fact my OH would stand up and be counted but a joke is a joke and the PC crowd rather than doing good actually harm their cause by not being able to relax a little about it. I'm sure there must be something that you would laugh at that another mntr may find offensive.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 08/06/2019 14:03

No doubt total but we're not discussing that, we're discussing this.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 08/06/2019 14:04

And not sure how one can be in the "PC crowd" AND still laugh at offensive things. I thought the point of the PC brigade is we never laugh at anything. Your argument is quite muddled.

Totaldogsbody · 08/06/2019 14:12

Iamalways

I can assure you that im not married to a sexist idiot who follows the crowd, but neither am I married to some self righteous moron who does their cause more harm than good by lecturing people at every chance they get. If they could only lighten up a little more people might listen to what they say rather than turn away from a brow beating.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 08/06/2019 14:15

So the two options in life are being a sexist idiot or being a self righteous moron?

Only your husband has managed to get the balance right! What a star!

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