AIBU to be a shocked at a parent leaving their 4 month old home alone for 10 minutes

[NotMyUsualNameNoSiree]

I overheard a conversation at school the other day, a mum was telling another mum how she left her young DD (4mo) at home while she picked up her DS (aged 5 or 6) from school.

I believe she lives around the corner and across the road from school, maybe 1 or 2 minutes walk. But pick-up would probably take 10 minutes in total to get the kid, get him ready, leave school premises and get home.

Of course I rationally know that no harm is likely to come to a 4mo left alone for ten minutes. But even if it's very very unlikely that anything bad would happen (to the baby, or the mum, or the older kid), it still gives me the chills to think about it.

Instinctively I want to say something, whether to her or the school. But I don't know if I'm being over cautious.

greenrockstar

You know nothing about me or my circumstances. You are attacking me because you can no longer defend your position. It’s not an edifying sight.

That’s not what’s being said so maybe RTFT would help.

The point of the thread is whether the OP should report this to SS.

Many people are saying it’s the first instance, the OP has no other concerns, the DC are well cared for and loved so the appropriate thing to do would be to either speak to the mum first or see at the next school run if it was a one off before reporting.

We also have to bear in mind that the OP only overheard part of the conversation and confirmed that they couldn’t be totally sure the mum wasn’t meaning she had left the baby at home but that someone else was there (prob not but OP wasn’t sure).

One or two are saying it must be immediately reported which led to the question being asked where is the line? Where’s the difference in a baby left for 10 mins whilst mum showers and can’t hear them or is in the garden hanging out washing and can’t hear them.

Nobody is saying ‘of course it’s fine to go out and leave your baby at home, don’t worry’.

It’s a debate about how social norms influence our perception of what is a risk and what isn’t

Checkered, yes it seems that way,

Some personal bun fights it appears as well.

Ginliness. Not at all, I’m using my own example whereby I didn’t have monitors so I couldn’t hear my baby if I was hanging washing out. My shower is on the other side of our house and I couldn’t hear my baby then either.

I still did both of those things because I had to. Would you report me to SS for doing so?

Oh but @dorsetdays I could hear any of my three crying in they house as tiny babies front or back because I had a monitor and it was on loud. Clever me!

@greenrockstar the difference in degrees of alone to me is that you won’t be held to blame if your baby dies of SIDS and they were on their back in an appropriate cot, not too hot, no smoking issues or drug or alcohols issues. But if you locked your house up, walked at least a couple of minutes to school then ten minutes later came back and it had happened well you’d be facing accusations of neglect not just the death of a baby.

You seem switched on even if I don’t agree with your views here. I don’t know why the issue of accountability is so hard to see and the failing of the position of trust with one of these “some” scenarios

Ginliness. If you’d read my posts you’d have seen that I live in an old house with super thick walls. Our baby monitor didn’t work.

So would you report me to SS in that situation?

@Dorsetdays no, that’s my precisely my point! I wouldn’t. You hadn’t locked up your house and left them in their on their own while you did whatever it was.
You were still on your property.

Keven if you did lock your door while you did your gardening you are still a responsible parent on the premises.

It’s very clear to me.

It doesn’t make any difference to the outcome though. This is about risk. The risk is the same.

It’s very clear to me.

You don’t have to have monitors.
You do have to be present and continually look after a four month old baby not leave them in the house alone. I consider being in your garden, on the loo, putting the rubbish out, washing etc being st home
I don’t consider being two minutes around the corner at home.
It’s very clear to me that this is the case

@dorsetdays then you are endorsing neglectful practice. I would stop short: well short of calling it parenting. Definitely of caring for a four month old baby.

So do you check on your child every 5 minutes when they’re sleeping if you don’t have a monitor.

I don’t know any parents that would do that, you’d never get anything done.

@Dorsetdays you are trying to sound smart when the realty is if someone leaves their baby in the house to do a school run and they are found out to have done this they will be in hot water. Even if the rest of the time they are magnificently vigilant.

Risks in and around the home are irrelevant to this point. They have nothing to do with it.

I’m not at all. Just asking a perfectly valid question which you don’t seem to want to answer.

As said before, I suspect that’s because the answer isn’t based on rational logic. I get it, parenting isn’t always about logic but it doesn’t make someone who does parent in that way wrong or neglectful.

My school run is closer than the bottom of my garden so there isn’t always a black and white situation. As parents sometimes we have to remember that, hence my suggestion (and that of many others) to establish the facts first before rushing to report this one incident to SS.

I don’t think that’s unreasonable or neglectful.

The thing is that everyone saying this is terribly wrong and irresponsible doesn't get much further than it is just "wrong", using very emotional rather than rational language. SIDS is just as much of a risk when you are in the same house as your baby: it is unexplained sudden infant death, it is silent, so what are you going to do? Suffocation happens mostly because of unsafe sleep practices with the parents being in the same bed as the child / falling asleep on a chair with the child etc. Traffic accidents are much, much more common than sudden raging house fires - let alone infant abduction, which hardly ever happens at all.

The Madeleine McCann case is not comparable: a child capable of getting out of bed in an utterly strange environment at night with an open window and unlocked door, and parents who checked on her only once every half an hour. And you know what - I also do not think that was terribly neglectful (careless, yes) and I was horrified by the vitriol the McCanns had to endure. Anyway, if you cannot rationally differentiate between one risk and the other, then perhaps indeed it is best to hover over your child at all times.

But I'll just continue to act in the way that I believe are in my kid's best interests :)

Dorsetdays -

It’s a debate about how social norms influence our perception of what is a risk and what isn’t

I'd agree with this. Humans are very bad at intuitively assessing risk and probability. The high levels of hormones, emotiveness and (more recently) judgmentalism and paranoia around parenting just exacerbate the tendency in this context.

Probably best to wrap the conversation up to be honest. I mean, it wasn't a great thing to do - I wouldn't do it. I felt bad enough leaving my baby upstairs whilst I was downstairs watching telly BUT, my point is why the rush to report her to SS? It seems a little judgemental. People have their reasons for doing what they do. She is probably a great mum, but as FiddlesticksAkimbo said about waking a sleeping baby.... easier to nip across the road maybe....?

If you really care, why not offer a supportive ear and ask her if she needs any help. i mean it is less effort than getting through to the SS or the school.

As for the accusation of neglect - think its a little harsh. In that case I think we could all be accused of neglect for one thing or another. Have you ever been on the phone and not paid attention to your baby / toddler for 10 mins? If something then happens, are we to believe that you should be reported for neglect?

As for the other name calling - lazy? We have no idea of her personal circumstances and we are calling her names. Thick? Really??

This is why I don't usually come on these talk boards - its so negative.

@Dorsetdays I don’t disagree that there are many things that affect and influence our perception and assessment of risk.
I don’t hover over my children like a hawk but when they were four months old and even now - five and under - I just would not leave them at home on their own unsupervised especially when they were fast asleep and so very small and defenceless.

I’m not sure why you think I’m being judgemental. I think parents and in particular mothers get a lot of shit and judgement.

But I have absolutely no time for anyone who would leave a baby in a house - I repeat - lock the door and walk at least two minutes away, to school and by her own admission be gone around ten minutes. It is utterly neglectful and totally unnecessary. It doesn’t merit a single comparison with this red herring discussion of being at home getting on with other things, it just doesn’t. You aren’t abandoning them at home you are getting on with stuff while keeping an eye on them and checking on them ever so often to varying degrees. You are leaving them completely alone in the walking g to the school and being gone ten minutes scenario.

It’s just going round in circles.

I wonder how many of you on here who actually don’t think there is a problem with leaving a baby in an empty house - and garden, garage, drive, whatever - for ten minutes have actually done it yourself? Not many I’d wager......

@herculepoirot2 I admire your tenacity and patience throughout this thread. I would have been a lot more sweary.

Me, I’ve done it. If you’d RTFT you’d know that, as have quite a few others (and others not on here that I know personally).

We aren’t terrible parents, in my case as I’ve explained, my school run is closer than the end of my garden as I live next to my DCs primary.

Therefore I would actually be further away from my baby by hanging my washing out than I would by doing the school pickup on my own. My baby would be on their own for longer if I was in the shower than they would be whilst I dropped off at school.

I’m also not suggesting that it’s good practice to do this regularly. I’m just saying that we all have different circumstances and different opinions on what is a risk and we have to make those judgements ourselves.

Other people don’t always have all the relevant information to know on what basis you’ve made that judgment so they should really find that out before jumping to conclusions and rushing off to SS.

I've not done a school run - I have an only - and I wouldn't because school is quite a bit further away than a 1-2 minute walk for me. I have, however, for example, left DD asleep in her cot in the garden while going over a few doors down to my neighbours' house to pick up a package. She was perfectly safe and happily snoozing away.

Biggest risk where I live? Probably bears.

@mandes1 - really good and measured post!

@Ginlinessisnexttogodliness I would just give up now, the ones who support this are very stubborn about it, probably to help them live with the guilt.
The ones who keep going on about the distance to the garden are very frustrating, they're the same people who say putting a baby under 6 months old in a bedroom on their own is the same as having them in mums room if the difference Is the same. If you were actually a good parent, you would at least have a baby monitor with you while you're in the garden. I think the hysterical nature in which some posters reply shows how guilty they must be feeling over their past choices. All this talk of "its more risky to do the school run" yes, and you're leaving your child alone, imagine if you got run over!

LadAlive

😂🙌

@Dorsetdays

It seems to me the real difference is not one of appreciation of risk but rather whether a parent can or can’t be arsed to take a baby somehere when it would just be easier if they didn’t have to.

Ultimately it boils down to that. Everything else is dressing it up.

*It seems to me the real difference is not one of appreciation of risk but rather whether a parent can or can’t be arsed to take a baby somehere when it would just be easier if they didn’t have to.

Ultimately it boils down to that. Everything else is dressing it up.*

This!

I know it is difficult for people to imagine other people's lives but I will attempt one more time to explain why I did this on occasions. I had 3 preschoolers for a year and they had to be in a fairly good routine for me to stay sane. When my oldest started preschool, I had a 2 year old and a few month old. I lived opposite preschool but there was a busy road to cross. There was a pedestrian crossing in front of house but most days cars were seen driving through red lights.( Think village on main road that many drivers fail to notice)
My 2 babies are at 11.30 ISH and usually slept 12 to 2.30. My daughter needed collecting at 12.30/1 depending on if she had lunch. My choices were to keep 2 very tired babies awake to then drag across a dangerous road and then cross back again with 3 small children or to get both safely asleep, wait til last minute to collect eldest and be back again within 5 minutes. The safer option by far was to leave them at home. I would ensure there was nothing cooking,nothing charging. We are not smokers and had new electrics throughout house. Houses do not just burn down. Usually a charger catches,a cigarette is dropped, a pan of fats catches fire, an iron is left on. It is possible to mitigate against all this to the point where the risk is miniscule. As for a burglary, well house was in full view and the chances of someone breaking in and stealing a child were not a risk. A few years later my children were very nearly killed crossing same road( court case involved with hit and run driver, later identified at workplace by having child's hair caught in her wing mirror....so close call) I feel NO guilt for leaving my babies safely sleeping and would do the same again. And as previously mentioned, am a healthcare professional of 30 years experience and risk assess on a daily basis.