AIBU to expect more? Boyfriend prioritising his social life after I am pregnant

[Meccacos]

I understand that I will get flamed for this, please be kind - I feel bad enough already.

8 months ago I met my boyfriend. He was separated (had been for a year) and had plans to divorce.

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

Fast forward to current date, I have fallen pregnant. This is despite me being on the contraceptive pill.

I am in a very very vulnerable position right now. I had moved in with a family member to pay off medical debt incurred after several surgeries in the private system (many of which were emergency, one of which was elective - but necessary for my health).

After finding out I was pregnant I have stopped taking medication prescribed by neurologist that has the potential to harm the fetus.

After much crying (mostly on his part), he decided that he would support me through this and we would raise the baby together. He said this by saying "don't get your hopes up but I think I want to keep the baby."

However, nothing has changed.

It's been a month and I am sick with severe morning sickness which can go all day and night and pain as a consequence of stopping my medication. Through all of this I have been working and living with my relative. I find it humiliating having pregnancy symptoms in someone else's house and feel utterly alone. I can't tell my relative as they are very religious with strong views on sex before marriage and abortion.

I can't continue living with my family member any more as it is becoming emotionally abusive (issues from years ago have cropped up and I am being treated quite badly). It is coming to the point I need to make a massive change.

I can't afford this pregnancy on my own. I am only receiving a part-time salary despite working full-time hours. I need to find a better paying job and move out; but I can't do that while I am pregnant.

In the last 24 hours I am seriously considering ending the relationship and the pregnancy over things that seem stupid when I type them out and I am hoping for some wise words from mumsnetters so I don't make the wrong decision.

This is what has enraged me.....

My boyfriend works away and returns on weekends. Last weekend he also worked, so I haven't seen him in over a week and a half.

He has now told me the nights I am permitted to sleep over at his house this weekend. I asked about why I wasn't sleeping over Friday night and he responded "as discussed" he told me he "might" see his friend.... which means he is going out drinking all night and I am not invited.

We have a medical appointment on Friday morning and a counselling session on Saturday. We still haven't discussed exactly what is happening, how on earth we will even try and make this work.

It's not just Friday night that has bothered me, he has randomly mentioned that his friend wants to go away on holiday with him - which means he is wanting to as well - he is just introducing the idea to me slowly.

We have not had one weekend away in 8 months. There has always been something in the way - family commitments or his divorce/financial settlement issues or he has been working or I have been recovering from surgery. But there were times we could have but it was never convenient for him.

Immediately prior to the counselling session on Saturday he made plans to be with his sister. We haven't discussed anything, we haven't planned anything and I feel completely disregarded and vulnerable. It has been two weeks between counselling sessions and time to put a plan in place - but nothing. I feel his words are empty.

One minute he tells me he wants the baby, the next minute he cries and says he can't go through with it. So I told him that he can pay for the termination. Suddenly, he's changed his mind. We are back on again. But I am utterly exhausted and angry.

I feel that for the past month I have been supporting him through this and feel emotionally exhausted and drained. I haven't had any support from him. He is on 2 to 3 times my salary I have been paying for all the medical appointments to date and he hasn't offered any money. I brought up the next specialist appointment and that I was concerned with costs and he said it was 'inferred' when he said he would support me that he would help with costs.

I am starting to hate him. I mean really really hate him and don't even want to talk to him right now. I honestly can't see a future with him.

I understand he wants to see his friends, and this is not what this is about. The last weekend he was back he also had a big night with "the boys" and I wasn't invited to sleep over. I thought he wanted space and I understood it.

It is his birthday in about three weeks and he has already told me what he wants. I am livid. He can plan time with his friends, discuss holidays overseas, presents for himself - but he won't tell me in what ways he is prepared to step up. Him scheduling me in like a whore this weekend has really cut me. It isn't about spending time with me, it's about when he wants sex.

My birthday present earlier in the year was a voucher for something I specifically told (in writing) that I didn't want - which was purchased online a day or two before my birthday. He can communicate what present he wants, he can organise his social calendar and I am waiting for whatever crumbs he can give me in respect to his time.

I feel so angry and disregarded. I don't know exactly that to expect, but somehow I want more and I am starting to hate him.

Has anyone been in this situation before? What should I do? How do I handle my feelings?

We almost broke up a few times due to his mood swings (fine one moment and then crying uncontrollably the next). I put this down to the stress of the divorce and we reconciled.

No, that's probably why his (ex?) wife told him he'd be a terrible father and ended up getting out of their marriage, which i doubt she did lightly.

And the divorce (are they even divorced yet) is just an excuse: he'll use whatever seems most credible as an excuse for his behaviour at any time.

I just want to part-y! It's because I'm so traumatised by my separation & divorce, wonder what reasons were given to his wife. Who ends a marriage and gives up on having a family with someone for no good reason?

She must have been beyond the end of her tether, she must have been despairing (and there was no separation, divorce or early pregnancy with them).

I'd assume it was his moods and his lifestyle/priorities/selfishness.

OP: this is meant in the nicest way: you're deluding yourself. He wont change and has shown you his true colours more than once.

I am not advocating either option but I think you need to come to a decision for yourself for what YOU want and what YOU are able to handle alone because he's not mature enough to handle this life changing decision.

A man who has the money and means to make your life easier but doesn't, says a lot about him as a potential life partner.

It's very clear your boyfriend will be no support at all and you can't rely on him. So you have to think about: are you in a position to support this baby now, financially and emotionally and practically by yourself for the next 18 years? You would also be tied to your ex for 18 years.

Sounds a very difficult situation, but I know what I'd do.

financially

Unless he can get out of it, why should she be supporting herself and a baby financially? He's a high earner and he's the father, a DNA test will prove it if necessary.

I cant believe you're even considering bringing a child into this.
How utterly unfair on the child, to have a father who doesn't want it (he's said as much, as he's not going to change his mind) and to live with a single mother who can not afford to provide and who is very unwell.

Im sorry for being harsh, but keeping the baby would be an incredibly selfish thing for you to do - you cannot afford it, you cannot house it, it's early days and the father is already backing away (it'll only get harder) and you have medical conditions that are going to make it difficult to go it alone.

Op, do you have any family who could help with a baby/child?

Am I the only person who is increasingly sceptical about all the 'pill failures' that happen on Mumsnet?
OP you need to accept that your BF is what he is and stop expecting his behaviour to change. The relationship sounds doomed from what you have said.

Most people on the pill do know it's ineffective if you vomit it up. Except on mn.

Read back over the things you’ve said about his treatment of you. This backtracking into “were in a relationship”, “we live each other” is absurd when you read the previous stuff. He’s treated you like scum, paid for nothing and been emotionally abusive. Just admit that you’re overlooking that because you actually want this baby. It’s very frustrating when people aren’t honest with themselves because it’s impossible to advise them on anything because, well, you’re in a haze. He’s awful, you’re pregnant. You want the baby, which I can understand although disagree with on many levels, and you want the pregnancy to turn him around and for him to step up. I can’t see this happening as the relationship was dead before you became pregnant, and up to this point in your pregnancy his behaviour had been appalling. So who can advise you now, because you’re not being honest anymore about the state of the relationship or what you actually want. Or maybe you finally are. You want him and you want the baby, fine. But this won’t go the way you want or expect it to. He won’t change.

Most contraception is 95%+ effective but way more than 5% on MN seem to somehow defy those odds.

I don’t want to be nasty but I suspect this was a “this will make him settle down” pregnancy...

I know this is horrible but will save you years of heart ache but you really need to terminate this pregnancy.

This is so horrible to read. You deserve so much better than this. What he is offering is not a relationship. Not a good one. You're only allowed to see him on the weekend nights he's not out with friends. You're pretty much still strangers. You've only been together 8 months and in those 8 months you've almost broken up a few times. That's not normal. You need to take him out of the equation. He's not going to save you.

What you need to figure out is can you make it work as a single mother? Because that is going to be your future. Even if he decides to go all in now he can still walk away at any point.

Whatever you decide about your pregnancy is your decision. Not his. YOU decide what is best for YOU.

Moralitym1n1 child maintenance isn’t much. It would only be about a $300 per week contribution from him. And maybe I would get some government assistance in the form of a family benefit. That’s absolutely nothing. So taking him for maintenance is of absolutely no benefit to me.

I have the first scan any time I choose. He said he will pay for medical expenses ...I know the scans are expensive. I also have a form for genetic testing.

Given my age, I don’t want to terminate this child. This could be my only chance. This is clearly a shitty situation. But my job prospects will improve and once the child is settled I can find another job. I’m currently in a management position so earning more than some people earn working full-time.

I don’t see why I should get angry now when there are medical expenses. I can’t afford the genetic testing myself and it isn’t covered by insurance.

Am I deluding myself?

Does everyone think he will back track??

He said he would look after me. We haven’t broken up. I think he’s scared - as am I. But I’m 38, the fairy tail of a guy coming along and sweeping me off my feet doesn’t exist. Yes, I’m settling and I’m not happy with this. If things don’t improve I’ll be a single mother BUT I will have had time to plan financially.

My ex best friend has given up on finding anyone to settle down with and is now saving up $$ to have a baby by herself.

I think I’m capable of making a rational decision.

You’re right. It would kill me to have an abortion. I love the baby already. I’m calm when I think of my future with the baby, even if he isn’t around.

But he’s offered to pay the medical bills. So I’m going to accept. I’m going to see if he’s capable of doing this.

I’m not going to break up with him and have an abortion because I think he might disappoint me or change his mind again.

For goodness sake - please just STOP caring if he will backtrack. It’s irrelevant.

Sit down and imagine that you will never ever see this man again. Ever. You might get 300$ a week which is better than nothing from him and you should go after but imagine you never see him again. Do you still want the baby? Do you care about having the baby even if completely alone?

Money is something which can be worked out and if you really want to have the baby of course you should.

But everything honestly sounds like you are using the baby as a means to an end with him - it’s screaming out of your posts. Which is deplorable (although I don’t think you even realise it yourself).

Although, we broke up over the weekend after I screamed at him

Are you together or not?
You say how good your job prospects are but yet as a single person you have had to move in with a abusive relative because you are broke.

Babies do not make practical disruptions better.

Cross post.

That sounds sensible. Except the part about breaking up with him. Fucking dump him please, apply for child support and insist upon the medical bills being paid.

You can do this alone.

@Hollowvictory - I didn’t vomit up the pill.

I had other gastro symptoms and I think it didn’t absorb. The weekend I conceived I hadn’t taken medication for a neuro issue and started having withdrawals. I was told the medication was non-addictive. Turns out that is not the case. I had terrible withdrawals (shakes, sweating and the gastro issues).

I kept my birth control in my handbag so I could take it at the exact same time every day. I’m 38 years old. This is the first time I’ve gotten pregnant.

*Am I deluding myself?

Does everyone think he will back track??*

Yes and yes. Why do you think otherwise when all he has done so far is blow smoke up your ass?

By gastro symptoms do you mean the runs? Because everyone knows that that also stops the pill from working...

@crispysausagerolls

Yes, I want the baby. Even if he’s not around. I had counselling by myself planned, I was going to do everything I needed to do.

I’m not going to tell him to fuck off because I have too much pride not to accept his money for the medical expenses.

Also, he doesn’t have to pay the medical expenses - not by law. We aren’t even living together. He doesn’t have to pay anything. He doesn’t have to step up. This would be a conscious decision on his part.

I want the baby.

crispysausagerolls

Yes, it was the mini pill. It failed. I didn’t get sick and then have sex. I had sex and got sick after. I was sick for two weeks afterwards.

Contraceptionismyfriend

I had several surgeries this year.... and several other surgeries in the last few years. Medical bills are expensive and I want to wipe the debt instead of paying it off over time. The fastest way to do that is to not pay rent.

I had job prospects prior to getting pregnant. I can’t get a new job now. I won’t have maternity leave if I go now.