Food in bedrooms (teens) AIBU?

[mrsm43s]

I have two teens who for the most part are pretty decent, well behaved kids.

I have a rule about no food or drink in the bedroom. This came about because we extended and gave them both brand new bedrooms, decorated and carpeted to their choice, brand new furniture throughout, and we wanted to keep them in decent condition. Their old rooms had historically not been looked after as well as I would like.

One child has been absolutely fine with this, and with keeping his bedroom broadly clean/tidy and looked after. He's the youngest and so moved from the original box room to a much bigger bedroom in the extension, so I think he appreciates his new room and so looks after it.

However its been a real battle with DD. Initially we had lots of issues of the state of her new room, makeup all over her new carpet, food stains etc. I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful. However, she keeps breaking the no food or drink (bar water) in her bedroom rule. I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Am I being unreasonable? I ground her ( including loss of phone) for 1 week per item I discover has been eaten in her room. She's going to be upset when she gets home from school and realises that I found the wrappers and she's now grounded for a fortnight, but I'm fed up of her constantly ignoring the rules. For info, in addition to the main living areas the children have their own snug/TV room where she and her friends have a decent amount of privacy where eating is allowed, so its not like she doesn't have other options. She's 14 btw, and otherwise a very well behaved child, does well in school, works hard, lots of sport and music etc. She's not a difficult child or a natural rebel/rule breaker.

I think I'm justified in not allowing food in the bedrooms especially given her history of damaging/spilling/staining her carpet and bedding, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm unreasonable. Particularly I think she thinks that sweets, crisps etc should be allowed at sleepovers.

Would you persist with this, or let it go? I think if she didn't have such a history of damaging things with stains/spills I might be more relaxed, but she doesn't really treat her stuff with respect. For example as well as make up stains on her new carpet, she also has a big lump of chewing gum ground into it. I know for a fact if I let her eat in her room I will be constantly cleaning melted chocolate off of sheets, carpet etc, there'll be pop stains and spillage, crisps and crumbs ground into the floor etc.

Honestly you sound crazy over this. You found one packet and a box and you are grounding and handing out harsh punishments. She seems like a good kid overall, so If this is the worse of the stuff she does then it's not that bad.

I think the punishment far outweighs the crime. Grounded for 2 weeks just because she’s eaten in her bedroom? That would be over the top if she had stained her carpet with the food. I think it needs to be a more immediate consequence e.g. extra cleaning jobs and no phone until the following day.

I think the problem is that she is making such a mess! How is she managing to spill everything constantly? Has she got a bin in her room? Could she have bottles with tops rather than cans that can be knocked over?

I think it's absolutely normal to have crisps, sweets etc at sleepovers. I'd also be slightly concerned that she's actively hiding empty sweet boxes and packets. Don't think too much focus on what they do & don't eat is necessarily good for girls of that age. I do get your frustration at the mess but grounding her for certain amount of time per item eaten is OTT and too much focus on food.

Sorry posted too soon. Agree with PP about punishments need to be more immediate

This is crazy!!! Those aren't messy foods, she isn't ordering an Indian banquet in or leaving off milk or half eaten pizza boxes all over the shop!

This is absolutely way OTT! For god sake unclench! She shouldn't have to be hiding food wrappers, you'll give her issues. Christ!

How do you know she ate them in her room? They could have fallen out of her pocket or bag and shes shoved them behind the wardrobe in fear of you overreacting. It's a carpet ffs. Shes not spilt the food on the carpet just had the packets in her room. Grounded for 2 weeks for eating some chocolate at some point.

Get her trays for her make up, or a little rug for under where she sits and does it.

Sorry but I think YABU. The thing is, as children enter their teen years, they start to crave more independence. Her room is her space, and she wants somewhere to enjoy her chocolate in peace, which is not unreasonable. Personally I would let her eat chocolate but make her clean up any mess herself. You could ground her/ confiscate her phone if she has not hoovered or cleaned up a mess - personally I would not do this, but I think it would be less unreasonable than grounding her for a fortnight because you found two chocolate wrappers.

Honestly you sound crazy over this. You found one packet and a box and you are grounding and handing out harsh punishments.

I'm beginning to wonder this. But to be fair, this isn't an isolated incident, I was finding food wrappings/damage every few days until I instigated the 1 week grounding per item rule. It is now probably only once a month or so it happens. The reason the punishment is (disproportionally?) harsh, is because its an ongoing issue, and nothing else was making her stop.

She seems like a good kid overall, so If this is the worse of the stuff she does then it's not that bad.

She is, and I really do appreciate that. I know that there are many much bigger worries I could have as a parent of teens, and I do recognise I am lucky in that regard.

My parents were pretty strict but when it came to my bed room my mother would just 'draw a veil' and let me get on with it, though I know now that she itched to have it tidy.

Ever since I have had my own front door, I have kept my house clean and tidy.

What harm does it do honestly, if DD eats a packet of sweets in her own room ?

We have s no food no drink rule in the server rooms at work, that is to avoid any spillages that could impact the machines.

In your own bedroom ?

In regards to the makeup, why dont you tell her to do it in the bathroom or get her a little table or rug to stop the mess. I do think it's very easy to spill thinks like eyeshadow, blusher, powder etc without noticing.

Your punishments are ridiculous! More immediate consequences needed.

I can understand not eating a curry in her room but some sweets?!

Fgs pick your battles! Your punishments are ridiculously over the top.

If you were going to be so precious about the new rooms why didn't you put hard flooring down?

The punishment is excessive but I would not be happy with this mess.

Instead of the punishment I would give her loads of jobs cleaning, hoovering, dusting, tidying, ironing. To show her what is involved in keeping a nice house. Take her phone from her until the jobs are done.

If she gets chocolate on her sheets, have her strip the bed, put on the wash, hang them out and re make her bed.

She won't be long being cleaner if she has to clean up after herself.

I agree, punishment does not fit the crime. Two suggestions: continue banning foods in the room, put some of that decorators plastic or hard plastic mats on the carpet to protect it and make her live with it like that. A more proportional punishment to choc in room might be no choc for a couple of days?
Alternatively, sit down at a relaxed moment and talk to her about it. Ask how stuff gets spilled. See if she has any suggestions how to reduce it and look after her room better. For example-can there be a mat on the floor where she always does her make up? Is there a bin? Could she decant drinks into a sports bottle that doesn’t spill easily. Could you leave a small stash of cleaning products where she could help herself to deal with stains immediately? This is all stuff an adult would do... she will be an adult soon so you can’t ban her forever.

Could she move back to her old room ?

I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful.

Sounds to me like the above is fine. I thought you were going to say she was eating a 3 course dinner up there instead of a couple of packs of sweets. By all means check occasionally and make her clean the carpets or any other stains herself and then you need to leave her to it.

I haven't been in my teens rooms for years now, but I stick my head round once every 6 months or so to make sure they haven't got too out of control. Generally I can't see the floor and I make some noise about picking it all up, but as they have got older they do it anyway.

My "rules" are rubbish and cups/dishes etc must be brought out every day and if they want the cleaner to hoover the floors must be clear. And their mess must encroach on the rest of the house. Otherwise I leave them to it.

Obviously their mess must not encroach...

You mage a huge mistake putting carpet on a teenage girls floor 🤦🏻‍♀️ who does that?

I ripped the carpets straight out. Sanded and painted there floor and put a rug down.

I hate food upstairs too but their teenagers in their own rooms. Make them give it a good clean once a week and it should be fine.

Oh dear! Everyone thinks I'm OTT. I will take that on board.

Is it really unreasonable or uncommon to have a "no food in the bedroom" rule for teenagers and expect it to be adhered to?

I know the punishment is harsh, it was meant to be, as two years of asking nicely, getting her to clean up her own mess and spillages etc hadn't worked. I though it would shock her into stopping, but instead its just made her hide the evidence (although less spills/damage it must be said!)

I will just repeat, she and her brother have their own private snug/tv room downstairs, where eating is allowed, so I don't understand why food has to go up to her room (on the top floor) anyway?

Maybe cause sometimes she wants to eat while in her own personal space not one shared with her brother.

Does she have a bin in her room?

Woah woah woah woah woah, this punishment seems extremely disproportionate to the crime. If you're giving 2 weeks for food in the bedroom, what on Earth would she get for cheating on a test, or stealing £10 from a purse?

It sounds like she's being punished for otherwise being a great teen. I'd say to pick your battles, and not to pick this one.

Wow :o YABU

How long do you expect the furniture/carpet to last? Can't you just get a rug and/or have a frank discussion with her about how those items are now her responsibility and as such she will be responsible for costs of cleaning/replacements? She has to live in there so I would just leave her to it and expect to be replacing furniture/carpet at some point after she doesn't need the room anyway.

Also, having to hide eating things can lead to bad habits/an unhealthy relationship with food - you're already pushing her that way.