Food in bedrooms (teens) AIBU?

[mrsm43s]

I have two teens who for the most part are pretty decent, well behaved kids.

I have a rule about no food or drink in the bedroom. This came about because we extended and gave them both brand new bedrooms, decorated and carpeted to their choice, brand new furniture throughout, and we wanted to keep them in decent condition. Their old rooms had historically not been looked after as well as I would like.

One child has been absolutely fine with this, and with keeping his bedroom broadly clean/tidy and looked after. He's the youngest and so moved from the original box room to a much bigger bedroom in the extension, so I think he appreciates his new room and so looks after it.

However its been a real battle with DD. Initially we had lots of issues of the state of her new room, makeup all over her new carpet, food stains etc. I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful. However, she keeps breaking the no food or drink (bar water) in her bedroom rule. I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Am I being unreasonable? I ground her ( including loss of phone) for 1 week per item I discover has been eaten in her room. She's going to be upset when she gets home from school and realises that I found the wrappers and she's now grounded for a fortnight, but I'm fed up of her constantly ignoring the rules. For info, in addition to the main living areas the children have their own snug/TV room where she and her friends have a decent amount of privacy where eating is allowed, so its not like she doesn't have other options. She's 14 btw, and otherwise a very well behaved child, does well in school, works hard, lots of sport and music etc. She's not a difficult child or a natural rebel/rule breaker.

I think I'm justified in not allowing food in the bedrooms especially given her history of damaging/spilling/staining her carpet and bedding, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm unreasonable. Particularly I think she thinks that sweets, crisps etc should be allowed at sleepovers.

Would you persist with this, or let it go? I think if she didn't have such a history of damaging things with stains/spills I might be more relaxed, but she doesn't really treat her stuff with respect. For example as well as make up stains on her new carpet, she also has a big lump of chewing gum ground into it. I know for a fact if I let her eat in her room I will be constantly cleaning melted chocolate off of sheets, carpet etc, there'll be pop stains and spillage, crisps and crumbs ground into the floor etc.

My son has just survived an emergency brain tumour operation in April. For a week we did not know if he would die. Its benign and he is going to be ok.

My point - Id not give a toss if he nibbled away at some M and Ms or matchmakers in his room. Jeez in that week Id not fucking care if the floor was covered in chocolate!

Please - think - chill. Enjoy their childhood and think how sad your little girl feels that she has to hide her sweetie wrappers in case of draconian punishments !

In the great scheme of things, it really isnt worth it xx

I agree with the general no food in bedroom rule, especially as most people in the household seem to be able to carry plates, bowls etc. upstairs but unable to bring them down again. I would only challenge them when I spot them trying to go upstairs, any mess made upstairs though I would expect them to help tidy. I am more relaxed though for sleepovers, still wouldn't have main meals etc up there but sweets wouldn't bother me. They might not even have been hers, maybe a friend bought them and she told them to hide it in case you came in. The punishment should fit the crime so here should be to tidy up. If she doesn't then you punish for not doing as she was told. Your current punishments do sound excessive.

Your daughter needs her own space. And eating is part of that.

Growing up I had a mother who was in my room everyday tidying (snooping) and looking back it makes me so angry. I had no privacy at all.

Please allow her some personal space. Imagine how you would feel to have someone rummaging through your things. That is how your daughter feels.

I’m astonished that you actually checked behind the wardrobe for wrappers.

To be fair wardrobe is in the corner and it was to the side rather than right behind. A flash of colour caught my eye when I bent down to pick something up, and when I looked it was the sweet boxes/wrappers.

I don't inspect her room. I clean it (hoover, wipe surfaces, make bed) twice a week. In between that I leave it alone. I remind the night before that its cleaning day and she needs to just make sure rubbish in bin/washing in hamper/floor and surfaces clear, and that seems to work. I don't look in drawers, cupboards, ottoman storage etc. There's usually a few bits left laying around here and there, but I just leave those on the end of the bed for her to put away when she gets home.

The food thing drives me crazy. Well food and make up. The makeup, however, I accept as part of being a teen, and I think I'd be unreasonable to ban it. So I grit my teeth, and just make her clean up any mess and stains as best she can. The food I just can't understand why she needs to take it to her room at all. Its not the food (or makeup) per se that I have the issue with, but the mess she manages to make with it, particularly damage to furnishings etc.

Someone saying about being punished for being a good kid has resonated with me, though. I know that if she was out all night, drinking and smoking, was rude or had other issues, I wouldn't be fighting with her about something as minor as food in her bedroom. She is a good child who works hard and is generally sensible. Looking at the bigger picture, this is not a child who deserves to be repeatedly grounded.

I have to agree with everyone else. Grounding her for 1wk because you found a sweet wrapper sounds massively OTT.

Teenagers as a rule are disgusting, girls especially. I don’t allow food food in their rooms ie meals or sandwiches but snacks are fine and I encourage wrappers in their bedroom bins. However, their bedrooms are messy. On a Saturday, their phones are locked down until their bedrooms are tidied. By tidied I don’t mean how I’d tidy but rather that rubbish is picked up and dirty clothes are put in their laundry basket. You are being too harsh IMO.

I'm really hoping this isn't real. Grounding her for a week when she eats a bar of chocolate in her room is just so unreasonable it's unbelievable.

No food in thr rooms is no dinner or such shit. You need to get a grip. And back off. If she makes a mess with a bar of chocolate make her clean it herself, but she should be able to eat a snack like that in her room.

You don't even get treated that bad in prison.

Can you not understand that she might want to eat in a space that is totally her own? She shares the other space with her brother. As a teenage girl there might be times where she doesnt want to sit around with her brother, and she wants to do something alone in her room and that she might want to eat some chocolate at the same time. Why is the what the room looks like more important than your daughter having her own space?

Agreed, her room should be her private safe haven. It's fine to clean but don't snoop and as much as you protest I think it's clear that's what your doing.

Lead by example here. Tonight tell her you're sorry. She can eat sweets in her room, you went too far. You accept she's a responsible person and you expect her to put her wrappers in the bin etc. Put the wrappers you found back where they were. Don't let her know you've been snooping again

And stop putting your silly rules above your daughters comfort. She's a good kid. You want her to feel comfortable at home and with you, not for it to be a war zone with harsh punishments, strict rules and a place where she will never return the first opportunity she gets. Which is exactly what you're turning it into.

I have never snooped.

I’m glad it sounds like you’re taking on board how over the top you’re being here. Grounding your daughter for 2 weeks over sweet wrappers is ridiculous and will no doubt just work to sour your relationship. If your DD knows you dish out huge punishments over minor non-issues how will you ever expect her to confide in you about issues she may face about big issues like drunk/ drugs/ sex etc? You will end up with a daughter who hides everything from you.

Honestly, I would just let the food issue go. It doesn’t really matter that you can’t see why DD wants to eat in her room, the point is she does. Maybe because if she brings them downstairs to the snug her brother bothers her to share or maybe because she’s doing something she wants privacy for or can’t do downstairs. Maybe just because she’s chilled out in her room when she gets peckish and doesn’t want to trek downstairs.

Honestly, if it’s just seeets, chocolate or crisps I would say that’s reasonable to eat in the bedroom and I wouldn’t dole out any punishments at all for food eaten if there isn’t even a mess. I would say that a punishment is reasonable if food gets spilled but that the consequence should fit the crime, so if she eats chocolate in her room that’s fine but if it ends up getting melted into the carpet then the consequence is that she will need to scrub the carpet until it’s clean. If it stains maybe you could say you’ll take X amount of pocket money to put towards getting the carpet deep cleaned. This will help your daughter in the long run as it will teach her how to look after things responsibly and that if things are ruined there is a natural time and financial cost to make it good again.

Genuine question, not being snarky, just curious!

Do you never eat in your own bedroom? Would you think you were being unreasonable if you ate a pack of M and Ms while watching a film/MNetting etc?

I'm glad you've realised you're BU. Imagine your DD having to say to her friends "I know you're all going to the cinema on Friday this week and next but I can't go as I ate two packs of chocolate in my bedroom".

Also, apologies if I've missed it but how old is she? Big difference between a 13 year old and a 16 year old. Although you said she had a BF, can't you see a disconnect between being deemed not mature enough to eat sweets in her room but mature enough to have a BF?

I grew up on a farm, and we had a strict no food upstairs because of mice rule. Despite years of living in shared houses and then by myself, I still feel bad if I eat in the bedroom. I do occasionally have room service in hotels, which feels quite rebellious!

Not that this helps you! Would mentioning the rodent risk persuade her? I suppose if you've never had mice, it wouldn't sound so credible.

YABU
If she actually damages things, just make her clear the mess/dock pocket money for repairs

I have real issues with these threads where people treat their kids badly.

I don't understand it, how do people go from having a baby to a situation where they would actually ground their own child for a week for nothing more than eating a bag of m&ms in their bedroom. Two weeks if they dare to add some matchsticks into the mix. That the kid is so scared they hide their wrappers.

Of course she should be expected to clean up and keep her room in a reasonable state of hygiene, but she should feel happy in her own home.

This kids going to run at the first opportunity she gets and she's not going to come back. And you can sit and enjoy her clean and empty room all on your own, wonderinf exacrly why and when that became more important to you than she did.

Look, I've taken on board feedback about the punishment being too harsh (I knew it was harsh anyway, it was meant to be a shock tactic after two years of asking nicely or making her clean up after herself hadn't worked - this is not a standard punishment in this home but an extreme one).

I think people are just trying to be unkind now! Suggestions that I'm "snooping", "treating my kid badly", that she's going to leave home at the first opportunity and all because I have a no food in the bedroom rule!

I think people are missing that:
I don't limit what she eats or police her snacks
She has the whole of downstairs to eat in, including a parent free "snug"
She has her own private bedroom (and bathroom as it happens) where she has total privacy apart from me cleaning floors and surfaces and making the bed twice a week.
I don't look in cupboards or storage at all.

As it happens she is a very much loved, happy and healthy teen who has a good relationship with us. We talk openly and support her. She is doing well at school. We're actually fairly relaxed rule wise, and have been negotiating the beginnings of boyfriends, parties, more freedoms etc, and she's a great sensible girl who is a credit to us. I just have an issue with her constantly damaging stuff in her bedroom through carelessness.

She's not ever been grounded "because she ate chocolate in her bedroom". She's been grounded because she has repeatedly disobeyed a reasonable rule that we've asked her to respect.

I'm not going to ground her (well done MNers, she will thank you!). I'm going to have a chat with her again tonight, and maybe delve into why she's not using the snug as much as she could. She does use it (if boyfriend round, or for watching TV), but not as much as her brother does (gaming PC in there!), so maybe there is something we could do to make it feel a bit more like her space, or make her more comfortable in there. She gets on well with brother BTW so that won't be the problem in itself, although not wanting to share might be. Easy enough for us all to come to an agreement on that, though (family food from the cupboard - shared, food bought with own pocket money = your choice whether to share maybe?- seems reasonable, in any case we'll discuss that as a family and come to a consensus)

In any case, its been really useful to hear your views. I think I've been pushing harder and harder on one issue, rather than taking a step back and looking at another way round it.

"This kids going to run at the first opportunity she gets and she's not going to come back. And you can sit and enjoy her clean and empty room all on your own, wonderinf exacrly why and when that became more important to you than she did"

The irony of posting something as cunty as this when OP has already realised and said she was BU

"I have real issues with these threads where people treat their kids badly"
I have real issues with these threads where posters treat other posters who are asking for, and listening to advice, so badly.

Glad you've taken stuff on board though OP. MN is such a useful place for advice on stuff like this (when people are kind!). Show me someone who hasn't fucked up, or ever overreacted with responding to their DC's behaviour, and I'll show you a liar

She doesn't want to be in the snug with her DB as much now because she's growing up and wants/needs her own space.

I don't look in cupboards or storage at all.

I wonder if she thinks you do? Hence why the wrappers were stuffed behind the wardrobe rather than just in a drawer. 🤔

I never allowed my kid's to eat meals in there bedroom's, sweets and bottled juice i didn't mind so much as long as there empties went in the bin .

I think the 'no food at all' rule is a bit much OP. I honestly thought this thread was going to be about eating dinners in their bedrooms! For which I would have agreed with you, dinners should be together at the table.

But sweets in their rooms should be fine. I think you'd be better off making some rules about tidiness/cleanliness instead of the blanket food ban.

The food I just can't understand why she needs to take it to her room at all.

When I was that sort of age, I can remember buying a large bag of Maltesers - actually it would have been Revels as the coffee ones hadn't been invented then and so they were still safe to eat - and a new novel (most likely "Octavia" or similar by Jilly Cooper) and hunkering away in my bedroom for a little indulgent peace and quiet.

Sharing a snug with a gaming brother would not have had the same effect.

I'm glad you've realised that you might need a re-think OP

Nope.

Try putting yourself in this girls shoes. Not being allowed to eat a bar of chocolate in her own room is not a reasonable rule in any way shape nor form. To be grounded for a week if you dare to is horrible. It's cruel and extreme. And it's not acceptable behaviour.

Why should she have to go into the snug where her brother is gaming just to eat a bar of chocolate. What if it was a friend or the boyfriend who ate rhe chocolate. And what she's grounded for a week for it?

The whole thing is extreme and deeply unpleasant. It's either her room and she's allowed to spend time there as she pleases or it's not. Stupid rules like she has to go to another room to eat chocolate are ludicrous. It's a bar of chocolate.

And yes, kids forced to live under draconian rules tend to fuck off at the first chance of it.lets not pretend otherwise. Being ground for a week for eating chocolate in your bedroom??

And if you're kidding youtself this is treating your child well then you do need to have a long hard think about your own behaviour.

I imagine the fact her brother spends more time in the snug gaming is the exact reason why she doesnt want to be in there. It doesnt matter that they get on well. Teenagers want and need their own space to relax in. If she doesnt want to be in the snug with her brother but she cant go to her room and relax in the way she wishes, where can she relax? If she is always worrying if her room is up to your standards is it really her space or is she just borrowing it from you?

Bluntness why don't you have a "long hard think" about your own behaviour? OP has taken on board that she was being draconian and is going to alter this.

Speaking to her as though she is a child herself whilst berating her for "unacceptable cruel" behaviour is pretty ironic.

Your posts are really unpleasant, to me at least. There's no fucking need.