Food in bedrooms (teens) AIBU?

[mrsm43s]

I have two teens who for the most part are pretty decent, well behaved kids.

I have a rule about no food or drink in the bedroom. This came about because we extended and gave them both brand new bedrooms, decorated and carpeted to their choice, brand new furniture throughout, and we wanted to keep them in decent condition. Their old rooms had historically not been looked after as well as I would like.

One child has been absolutely fine with this, and with keeping his bedroom broadly clean/tidy and looked after. He's the youngest and so moved from the original box room to a much bigger bedroom in the extension, so I think he appreciates his new room and so looks after it.

However its been a real battle with DD. Initially we had lots of issues of the state of her new room, makeup all over her new carpet, food stains etc. I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful. However, she keeps breaking the no food or drink (bar water) in her bedroom rule. I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Am I being unreasonable? I ground her ( including loss of phone) for 1 week per item I discover has been eaten in her room. She's going to be upset when she gets home from school and realises that I found the wrappers and she's now grounded for a fortnight, but I'm fed up of her constantly ignoring the rules. For info, in addition to the main living areas the children have their own snug/TV room where she and her friends have a decent amount of privacy where eating is allowed, so its not like she doesn't have other options. She's 14 btw, and otherwise a very well behaved child, does well in school, works hard, lots of sport and music etc. She's not a difficult child or a natural rebel/rule breaker.

I think I'm justified in not allowing food in the bedrooms especially given her history of damaging/spilling/staining her carpet and bedding, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm unreasonable. Particularly I think she thinks that sweets, crisps etc should be allowed at sleepovers.

Would you persist with this, or let it go? I think if she didn't have such a history of damaging things with stains/spills I might be more relaxed, but she doesn't really treat her stuff with respect. For example as well as make up stains on her new carpet, she also has a big lump of chewing gum ground into it. I know for a fact if I let her eat in her room I will be constantly cleaning melted chocolate off of sheets, carpet etc, there'll be pop stains and spillage, crisps and crumbs ground into the floor etc.

I think such draconian rules are making her hide food and conceal it from you which is exactly what you don't want.

I think you need to pick your battles and this is not one I'd dig in for.
You need to relax your level of control over her as she gets older.

By banning food you may be making it more desirable and creating a complicated relationship with food for your DD.
You say she is a good girl-I'd have a chat and relax the rules and see how it goes.
It's her room-her space. It sounds like you need to evolve with her as she gets older-the same rules for a 6 year old are not right for a 14 year old. And of course she has crisps and sweets at a sleepover. Let her take some responsibility!!

I also think that sort of punishment for such a little thing really is completely out of proportion.

YABU. Unclench. Stop the punishments. They won't work. You are too controlling. Your DD will always break your "rules" because you are being too strict.

Christ id of hated you to be my parent at that age, I would have purposely broken the rules because of how ridiculous they are

Honestly I'd try and chill out a bit over this. It doesn't seem a battle worth fighting to me. No teens here yet though so perhaps I'll feel different then.

My 5 year old eats dinner at the table most nights but I'd let him have things like pizza in his room. And I'd allow sweets.

With regards to make up I'd get some sort of mat or rug for that area. Or even just tell your DD to lay a towel down whilst she is doing it.

Best way forward in my opinion is to have a sort of meeting with the kids and set out the new rules. Any piss taking and it's back to zero food and drink.

Why cant you just pick up a cheap rug that covers most of the carpet and install a bin!

To be honest I think its their only space and should pretty much be able to do as they please in their bedrooms concerning food, other then an actual food fight

I was a 'pretty good kid over all' - never had so much as a detention, top grades, didn't cause them worry over boys, friendship fallouts etc.

It honestly felt so fucking unfair when my mum would go ballistic with punishments over minor stuff like this. I was very far from stupid, and though it didn't cause me to rebel, or change my normal, good behaviour, it gave me a great deal of contempt for her handling of things, and made it pretty easy for me to justify lying about what I was doing and concealing (safe, normal) things I knew she would unreasonably blow out of all proportion.

We're not close (we have a cordial relationship based upon my awareness of and acceptance of her limitations), and if something bad had happened to me, I would have not wanted her/feared her response.

Up to you if having a picture perfect bedroom is what you'd like though.

I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Jeez, you know this is not normal right?
I think I prefer my teen's messy hovels with their empty sweet/crisp wrappers spilling out from the bin, when their friends sleepover they even have pizza up there 😱

Just let her eat snacks in her room!

No food in rooms is a rule I would have with toddlers not teens (although I have threatened it when they’ve been particularly messy!) My rule is all rubbish in bins (and they both have bins in their rooms) and bins emptied regularly. All dishes taken back to the kitchen the same day. Ds(17) sometimes ends up with a backlog of dishes, so I just make him wash them himself (consequence rather than punishment).

I disagree with most posters and think a no food in bedrooms rule is fine. But as a PP suggests, I’d give her plenty of domestic work to do, in general not as a punishment, rather than grounding/phone removal.

@ColdTattyWaitingForSummer I completely agree with this, let them do as they please but they have to tidy up/wash up afterwards.

The hiding stuff makes me really sad and my reaction would be the total opposite to the op's, i'd be like 'oh my god you don't have to hide these snacks!' I'd feel guilt rather then anger that I had created this situation and be looking at my parenting and priorities

I think YABU. It should be HER space. She shouldn't have to hide snack packets from you and you shouldn't be inspecting her room. She needs privacy and spade and in this ONE room, this one small area of the world, she should have some freedom.

She has a bin in her room and a rug already. Bin is used, but often stuff like cotton wool balls are scattered around/near it or left on the dressing table. As long as she collects them up and throws them away before cleaning day, I am OK with this. Rug currently has chewing gum stuck in it and make up stains all over it, as does carpet.

I am not banning food and she doesn't need to eat covertly. I have no problem with her eating snacks. She can eat openly anywhere she likes on the ground floor, including in the snug, where we parents only venture to clean once a week or so. She's also expected to entertain her boyfriend in the snug and not in her bedroom - this rule she respects!

Does she have a desk or dressing table to do her makeup on or room to put one in? I think rather than no food maybe only food that can't be spilled, like a packet of sweets is fine but a bowl of soup isn't. She would have to try pretty hard to destroy a bedroom with some sweets, crisps and water. Maybe have her tell you when she's taking food up there if you really want to keep on top of it

Crikey. My teen dd would face permanently being grounded with she lived with you 😬

Definitely think yabu, but I fully understand your frustration at it all being new, nice and not wanting it trashing.

We let dd eat in her room, but any mess she makes she has to properly clean herself. She has to use the carpet cleaner, vacuum etc

Buy her a bin and make her empty it regularly

I would have a think about what it is you are really concerned about - which I think is the mess when things get spilled

Tell her you want her to have more choice and independence but that there has to be boundaries to this and ask her what she things is reasonable and what she thinks she shouldn't do.

Sweets - if looked after properly don't make a mess.
Chocolate doesn't make a mess uness dropped.
Crisps can be more of an issue as there are usually crumbs.
Pizza's/burger starts to be more of an issue.
Curries etc Now Way.

See if you can come to some agreement about what is reasonable and what is not and the consequences if a mess is made. Which is probably best if it is consequences - eg cleaning it up or if that particular food isn't easy to clean up then it joins the banned list if it happens again after one warning.

You say that since you instigated the punishment there have been less incidences - I suspect she has just got better at remembering to remove the evidence.

If you put such harsh punishments in place for something that is easily remedied what the hell are you going to do if she does something really bad. She a good kid from the sounds of it - more time for treating her like an adult and negotiating rules rather than imposing - she will just get more secretive - and better at hiding the evidence.

For the chewing gum. Put some ice in a bag and chill it at much as possible, that will make it brittle and most should come away and then use white vinegar with a bit of cleaning solution to remove the remainder. Of course she should do all this under supervision.

I thought I was strict with my 3 when I said no food in bedrooms but I meant no taking their dinner up there and eating it alone whilst watching some trash on their laptops! I wouldn't make a fuss about chocolate and sweet wrappers - you could wallpaper the wall of my daughters room with the number of those that can be found in there in the run up to her period!

I’m astonished that you actually checked behind the wardrobe for wrappers. It’s not really surprising she hides them.

You’re way OTT

Oh and replace the rug with one that can go in in the washing machine.

Maybe some sort of large bath mat

For goodness sake, way over the top. Why were you up in her room anyway? I never understood as a teen why parents cared so much about their kid's rooms and I still don't as an adult.

Unclench. The carpet can be replaced when she moves out.

Stop going into her room.
Sound like life in an army barracks

Leave her alone op
YABVVU

I think you're going OTT about how her room is kept generally. Cotton balls not in the bin, untidiness etc so what? That doesn't actually impact you or anyone else.

I'm not quite "they can do whatever they like in their rooms" in the sense that actual dirt, nasty odours would be unacceptable and I personally won't allow the dc to take meals to their rooms but I don't see the harm in eating a chocolate bar or a packet of crisps while doing homework or curled up with a book.

I really think you need to lighten up. Your reference to cleaning day suggests you're going in tidying, dusting, vacuuming but at 14 I think she should be responsible for her own room. You can have rules such as bins are to be emptied regularly (nobody wants to invite mice in!), that actual meals are eaten with the family/at the table or whatever your preference is there, bed linen is changed every week/fortnight/six months (depending on where your line on that one is ) but after that leave it. Make sure she has appropriate storage for her belongings and explain that you won't replace carpets/rugs etc simply because she's stained them and then let her get on with it.

We did't allow food or drink in their rooms when they were younger but now with exams and revision we have relaxed a bit. I wouldn't want them eating a meal in their room but a sandwich/bowl of cereal when revising/relaxing I don't mind now.

However, I wouldn't consider chocolate, crisps, sweets, etc. food but snacks. They would only have been allowed that if having a sleepover (toffee popcorn is the devil!).

You should have hard wood throughout, saves all this hassle of stressing over a carpet. I have younger children and can’t be bothered with carpets at all, too much hassle.