Food in bedrooms (teens) AIBU?

[mrsm43s]

I have two teens who for the most part are pretty decent, well behaved kids.

I have a rule about no food or drink in the bedroom. This came about because we extended and gave them both brand new bedrooms, decorated and carpeted to their choice, brand new furniture throughout, and we wanted to keep them in decent condition. Their old rooms had historically not been looked after as well as I would like.

One child has been absolutely fine with this, and with keeping his bedroom broadly clean/tidy and looked after. He's the youngest and so moved from the original box room to a much bigger bedroom in the extension, so I think he appreciates his new room and so looks after it.

However its been a real battle with DD. Initially we had lots of issues of the state of her new room, makeup all over her new carpet, food stains etc. I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful. However, she keeps breaking the no food or drink (bar water) in her bedroom rule. I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Am I being unreasonable? I ground her ( including loss of phone) for 1 week per item I discover has been eaten in her room. She's going to be upset when she gets home from school and realises that I found the wrappers and she's now grounded for a fortnight, but I'm fed up of her constantly ignoring the rules. For info, in addition to the main living areas the children have their own snug/TV room where she and her friends have a decent amount of privacy where eating is allowed, so its not like she doesn't have other options. She's 14 btw, and otherwise a very well behaved child, does well in school, works hard, lots of sport and music etc. She's not a difficult child or a natural rebel/rule breaker.

I think I'm justified in not allowing food in the bedrooms especially given her history of damaging/spilling/staining her carpet and bedding, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm unreasonable. Particularly I think she thinks that sweets, crisps etc should be allowed at sleepovers.

Would you persist with this, or let it go? I think if she didn't have such a history of damaging things with stains/spills I might be more relaxed, but she doesn't really treat her stuff with respect. For example as well as make up stains on her new carpet, she also has a big lump of chewing gum ground into it. I know for a fact if I let her eat in her room I will be constantly cleaning melted chocolate off of sheets, carpet etc, there'll be pop stains and spillage, crisps and crumbs ground into the floor etc.

It wouldn’t be doing OP’s DD favours to tolerate make up or food stains on (new!) carpets, furniture or bedding. Or to get rid of these things.

For a start messing up furnishings is disrespectful towards family members who have paid for them, and a hassle and costly to fix.

In future DD will live in rental accommodation: if she damages carpets or fabrics she will have to pay a hefty charge from her deposit. And will likely piss off her housemates. I remember a housemate who regularly left hair straighteners on, burnt the carpet, and was surprised to be charged!

If she goes on holiday and damages Air BnB or hotel carpets, she’ll be charged.

If she visits friends’ homes and causes stains or damage with make up, it’ll piss people off.

Fucking hell you're harsh.

I regularly put all of the rubbish, plates, cups etc I find in the middle of Ds's bed and take away his xbox controller until he tidies them up.

At some point he'll be better at caring for his room.

Thanks @WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles I appreciate your support.

@Bluntness, I, unlike you, know the set up in our family, and am safe and secure in the knowledge that our children are well loved and treated with kindness and respect. In fact if anything, I think we probably veer towards them being a little over indulged. So I'm afraid your comments, which were clearly intended to upset me, are misguided, and so far off the mark that they are of no consequence to me.

Totally off topic but your house sounds awesome OP.

Totally off topic but your house sounds awesome OP.

It's actually not really very special at all! It was originally a small 3 bed (2 double/one box) that we've extended a couple of times to fit the family as its grown. We've ended up with lots and lots of smallish rooms now, so it sounds bigger than it is. Great for giving teens their own space though :)

The first rule of parenting teens is don't sweat the small stuff.
Teenagers like to use their rooms as living rooms as well as bedrooms. It gives them a bit of privacy and a space of their own. You seem to have got this tidiness thing wholly out of perspective. Honestly I would forget about all those rules about bedrooms and leave her to it.

Think about what really matters in the great scheme of things do you still feel a clean carpet is more important than family harmony?

You don't say how old she is, if 13 or 14 then you have bigger battles ahead.

I will be the first to put my hand up and say I grew up in an abusive household and I simply can't stomach any child being treated badly and will always come out fighting when I see it.

My comments may be of no consequence to you op, but they are not delivering any other message to you than nearly every single other person on this thread. It's one of the few that are pretty much unanimous,

My wording may be harsh, but my message is no different to everyone else's. Your behaviour is not ok.

She's 14.

I hope we don't have too many bigger battles ahead - both kids are pretty well adjusted and level headed (for now, at least )

I wonder if she is just flexing her teenage rebellion muscles.

My daughter does this.
I hate it.
I say nothing.
Not the hill I want to die on

Completely OTT. Grounding a 14 year old because she ate a packet of M&M's in her room?

I hate to think what you'd do if you found her smoking etc.

I don't allow food and drink (except water and mugs of tea when doing homework) upstairs but I haven't issued harsh punishments for breaking it, just make sure they know I'm not happy

My mother had the same rule when I was a kid/teenager. It went out the window when we all turned 18. My youngest sibling and I largely kept to it, my middle sibling is just awful..his room is a pit of unwashed plates and crumbs. So if she's picking up her dirty plates etc I have no problem

I don't think you're unreasonable. It transitions to adulthood. We had a roommate at uni who was messy eater in their room It drove us crazy because it stank.

But @bluntness, you are completely missing the point that I have listened and taken on board what others have said, and have changed my course of action. That I care enough about my children to have come on here and asked advice, because I felt that I may be being unreasonable. That I wanted other views to help me parent better.

You may have grown up in an abusive household, however my children are growing up in a secure happy environment where they are loved and respected. You cannot apply how you feel about your childhood to this situation as the situations are worlds apart. You have made quite a few incorrect assumptions based on a very small amount of information about one tiny aspect of our lives.

The way you have spoken and the words that you have used are not really acceptable and are full of anger. It comes across as either you have unresolved issues and you need to seek counselling or you are deliberately being unkind and trying to cause hurt. I would suggest you might want to reflect upon this, and think a little harder about how you post in the future.

I am sorry to hear about your abusive past. I hope you can get past it. I wish you well.

Come down hard on it now, otherwise she’ll be a prissy little nightmare bitch like my ex-lodger who got make up all over the carpet in her room and didn’t see the problem.

I only clicked on this thread because I misread the title and thought it said four in bedrooms - and that’s what I had when I was sharing a bedroom with my three sisters as a teen. Hi hum.

Really fancy a packet of M&Ms now.

Hi mrsm43s
My sympathies to you!
I also have a DS with an immaculate bedroom and a DD (now 16) with a pigsty!
She wanted a bedroom makeover a couple of years ago for her birthday.
We agreed, but it was conditional that she turned over a new leaf and looked after it. She hasn't and to be honest we have just given up

I would say your motives are good. The poster who suggested your DD do other household chores instead of being grounded is sensible.
If you go from the all guns blazing approach to nothing, she will get the idea the idea that you've gone soft, take full advantage and you'll lose control.
Good luck

When mine was a teenager his room was a tip. I closed the door on it and ignored it. No food in bedrooms is bonkers and the punishment is way too harsh.

Food in bedrooms. No way. Asking for critters to come in. Heck - our kids aren't even allowed to eat in the living room!! (I get your point about grounding for disobeying. Just talk to her. Find a balance that works for you both. Her own snack tin that she is in charge of might work.)

Actually, I've just had a bit of a lightbulb moment.

My issue with food in the bedroom is the carelessness and damage to furnishings.

The 1 week grounding rule was to shock her out of this.

Whilst I've found packaging (and hence she has been disobedient), I've not actually found damage - which was the thing I actually wanted to stop - for quite a number of months.

So my "Draconian" punishment threat has actually worked. Damage is not being caused. She's being more careful, because she doesn't want to get caught out.

So, do I rehide the packaging and pretend I never saw it, meaning the punishment threat remains in place, meaning she will continue to be careful not to spill/damage/stain stuff with food, meaning I get the result I want which is no food stains/damage in the bedroom.

Because you lot all do realise that I don't care whether she eats chocolate etc in her room, I care that she keeps damaging thing with food stains/debris. The only reason that food has become banned is because of her previous carelessness and the damage caused.

Hmm, I need to decide what to do before she gets home from school.

Little uncomfortable that this approach is encouraging eating in secret and dishonesty though. Would prefer to talk about it openly. Hmmm I'm in a quandry.

Your methods have also caused her to hide things behind furniture. Just think what else she might hide from you.
You refuse to see that your dd at 14 might want to have a space completely her own, she is 14 she can clean and look after her room as she sees fit. Just make her empty a bin every week and leave her too it. Its jot your room its hers. The lesson of cleaning and tidying is one she has to learn for herself.

An option is to dispose of the wrappers and say nothing. DD may not notice, or may notice and fret

Then just address it if there is any future staining or other damage to furnishings.

We were allowed to eat in every room in the house and never had mice. I really doubt a few m and ms are gonna cause an infestation.

Whilst I've found packaging (and hence she has been disobedient), I've not actually found damage - which was the thing I actually wanted to stop - for quite a number of months.

This is what I was clumsily trying to say in my earlier post. You don't need her to hide wrappers. I think I would casually mention that you found the wrappers, and that the lack of mess means that maybe she can be trusted with food in her room. If you do still feel strongly about the mess issue, you could make it clear that you will revoke this privilege if mess becomes an issue again. I would be reluctant to punish her for any mark - because accidents happen - but maybe if there is an obvious lack of cleaning up you could reinstate the food ban, and that itself becomes both punishment and solution?