Food in bedrooms (teens) AIBU?

[mrsm43s]

I have two teens who for the most part are pretty decent, well behaved kids.

I have a rule about no food or drink in the bedroom. This came about because we extended and gave them both brand new bedrooms, decorated and carpeted to their choice, brand new furniture throughout, and we wanted to keep them in decent condition. Their old rooms had historically not been looked after as well as I would like.

One child has been absolutely fine with this, and with keeping his bedroom broadly clean/tidy and looked after. He's the youngest and so moved from the original box room to a much bigger bedroom in the extension, so I think he appreciates his new room and so looks after it.

However its been a real battle with DD. Initially we had lots of issues of the state of her new room, makeup all over her new carpet, food stains etc. I'd say though, that we've now reached a pretty good place where she keeps it fairly decent and tidy (not really to the standard I'd like, but acceptable), still issues with makeup on floor, but I make her Vax it herself when it gets too bad, and I think this has made her a bit more careful. However, she keeps breaking the no food or drink (bar water) in her bedroom rule. I've just been up today and found an empty matchsticks box and an M&M packet hidden behind the wardrobe :(

Am I being unreasonable? I ground her ( including loss of phone) for 1 week per item I discover has been eaten in her room. She's going to be upset when she gets home from school and realises that I found the wrappers and she's now grounded for a fortnight, but I'm fed up of her constantly ignoring the rules. For info, in addition to the main living areas the children have their own snug/TV room where she and her friends have a decent amount of privacy where eating is allowed, so its not like she doesn't have other options. She's 14 btw, and otherwise a very well behaved child, does well in school, works hard, lots of sport and music etc. She's not a difficult child or a natural rebel/rule breaker.

I think I'm justified in not allowing food in the bedrooms especially given her history of damaging/spilling/staining her carpet and bedding, but I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm unreasonable. Particularly I think she thinks that sweets, crisps etc should be allowed at sleepovers.

Would you persist with this, or let it go? I think if she didn't have such a history of damaging things with stains/spills I might be more relaxed, but she doesn't really treat her stuff with respect. For example as well as make up stains on her new carpet, she also has a big lump of chewing gum ground into it. I know for a fact if I let her eat in her room I will be constantly cleaning melted chocolate off of sheets, carpet etc, there'll be pop stains and spillage, crisps and crumbs ground into the floor etc.

Mine always were allowed to eat sweets, crisps, fruit etc in their rooms and they were allowed drinks too. They never made a mess with them. In fact the worse thing either of them did was to get nail polish on their bedding which I wasn't bothered about. They just had to live with it. I think if your DD is being careful then you should reward that by not letting on you found the packaging and seeing how it goes.

Blimey you really are mad! You ground this child 1 week per food item, bloody madness.

Seriously put a bin in her room for rubbish. It’s not unusual for teens especially to want to eat in the bedroom, teens re weird but most normal people don’t ground them for doing it.

Carpet was always a mistake for a child’s room! Wooden floors are the way to go

Chill the fuck out for Christ sake

We eat all our meals downstairs but they take snacks to their rooms and drinks. That's fine. Toast etc or whatever they find when raiding the fridge.

Just say you found the wrapper but you don't want her to hide her eating from you. Tell her she can eat snacks in her room in future but only if she doesn't make a mess and any damage to the furnishings and it stops again.

It has nothing to do with what food she has eaten ! and everything to do with sticking 2 fingers up to her parents rules

OP, I think many posters have been awful to you, especially Bluntness, I'm not even sure what thread she is reading at this moment but has gone way over the top with her posts with limited information on your life, my god. Please disregard such posts.

I'm glad you have taken on board the helpful advice and feedback, your punishment did seem extreme but it appears it's more of a punishment that is given after your rule has been broken multiple times.

I think you are right that a discussion needs to be had, and your snug sounds fantastic. Ask for her feedback and allow her to hereafter start cleaning her room entirely herself - she is old enough to start taking responsibility. This will save you doing the extra work. Take her feedback on board, express your concerns too and hopefully you both can meet in the middle.

Best of luck OP, teenagers are tough but overall you sound like a good family and if this is the thing you worry about with your daughter - she's doing fantastic overall, as are you.

This is CRAZY!! Totally over the top.

I never go into my kids' rooms unless it's absolutely necessary. They wash their own bed sheets and run the hoover around, that's enough for me. The cleaner doesn't even go in.

I can see from one door that there are empty Easter egg boxes on the floor! This would give the OP a conniption.

I would not let them eat meals in their rooms because that's weird and anti-social, but snacks etc? Who cares?

@Bluntness100 You seriously need to stop fucking projecting at this point, start your own thread to discuss your issues as it appears there's unresolved issues here.

Stop disregarding what the OP has said, she has taken on board the feedback and you've totally missed her actual grievance and jumped straight to abuse. Enough, you are just being unkind at this point, stop.

Are people that dense that they are not seeing that the reason food was banned was because of damage being caused to items in the room? OP has even stated that the punishment was extreme to drive home the fact the daughter needs to take care of her things which is something we should teach our children.

OP is taking feedback on board, but some of these posts are seriously dreadful and evidently many are being unkind for the hell of it.

I always had a no food or drink rule in the bedrooms, it’s hardly child abuse & neither dc has needed therapy to get over it.

You are crazy.

The issue is about you not her.

Snacks in room are completely normal despite your bonkers rule.

It is a stupid rule.
And grounding her for it is just you being mean and controlling.

I don't allow my teens to eat meals in their rooms, but I wouldn't object to sweets or chocolate. She cleans it herself so I don't see the problem, grounding her for 2 weeks is ridiculously Ott.

OP I am 100% with you in that I grew up with the "no food in bedrooms" rule, finally saw the sense in it and now have it in my own home. Of my 3 DCs, one flouts it repeatedly but the other 2 seem to manage with it all right so as far as I'm concerned it is a very doable thing.

It shouldn't be beyond the capability of your 14yo to obey the house rules and. personally, I don't think this is an unreasonable one. You have every right to want the whole of your house to be clean, whether it's you cleaning it or you're making her do it. Food and makeup stains and the general carelessness and disregard of property would do my head in.

I would say that, if she thinks your rules are unreasonable, she should be free to discuss this with you so you can try and reach a win-win compromise. It sounds like this has not happened in the past, which is why you have resorted to "drastic measures", because the situation has escalated so badly. If she wants to be free to eat in her bedroom then she should be ready to guarantee that she will pick up after herself and not leave a mess - and then follow through. Simples.

I'd be worried about the sneakiness and that is what I would be addressing. Why should she hide the evidence of her rule-breaking rather than change her ways? Keeping your environment clean is a life skill that everybody needs to have, it's not like you're asking her to go and club baby seals.

Good luck, I'd be glad to hear how you resolved it as I foresee the same issues for myself unless I nip things in the bud now!

I think in your situation I would tell DD that you’ve found the packaging, but explain that you’ve noticed that there hasn’t been anything spilt and she’s obviously being careful which you’re pleased about. If the punishment was to deter damage then can you not change your rules so that the punishment only happens if things are spilt, rather than eaten carefully?

I’d say to DD that as she’s obviously able to eat carefully in her room you’re happy to relax the rules around food and allow food in the bedroom so long as there aren’t any major spillages or stains. There will be no punishment for eating food but if you find that food has been spilt through carelessness than the consequence will be X (you can decide on this here, whether it’s the original punishment of grounding/ phone removed, another food ban or something else.)

Well, I've decide what I'm going to do, which is I've left the empty wrappers on her bed, so she knows I've found them, and I'll leave it to her to come to talk to me about it.

I'm not going to ground her.

I might gently pull the "I'm disappointed" card, but ultimately I want to have a discussion where I say that I'm not happy that she's broken my rules, but I do appreciate she's been taking more care and there hasn't been any damage. I'm going to go back over the nice new bedroom/want you to have lovely things/ don't want them to get damaged bit, and then ask her what she thinks the solution is that will keep us all happy. Will also have a chat with her about the snug too, as it had slightly passed me by that she's not using it as much as her brother, and I don't want it to end us as his gaming room rather than a shared space. Its been really useful to pick up on that.

It has been really nice to get the perspective/steer from some of you on this. I feel I can go into the discussion with her with a more balanced outlook now.

My children are not allowed to eat upstairs - we don't either, nobody does in our house. Eldest child nearly 14.

I think it's a sensible rule. I have no wish to have the constant battle some parents have over teen bedrooms so they can have messy rooms if they want, but no food in their rooms and dirty washing out of the room regularly. I don't wash anything they don't bring to the laundry room, I don't pick anything up off their floors.

Food in rooms leads to either insects/ mice/ mould/ smells or constant arguments.

No food in bedrooms leads to being able to leave them alone.

Consequences not punishments though, unrelated punishments achieve nothing but sneakiness and resentment.

Cross posted with MyNewBear, but yes very similar to what you suggest.

Would prefer to talk about it openly
Then do it.
Sit down with her and explain how you feel and your "predicament". Ask her how she feels, does she feel that your attitude to her room means she feels she has to be sneaky? How do you both compromise taking each others views into account?

Also think about what constitutes carelessness?
I spilt a full glass of red wine on my cream carpet. It had only been professionally cleaned a week earlier. I didn't do it deliberately - who would?
You might think I was careless with it. . Would I have been angry if DS(20) had done it? No, I'm just not that precious.

I might gently pull the "I'm disappointed" card

Oh God no, don't do this 🤦🏼‍♀️
Just have an open conversation with her. Don't make her feel even more guilty, you'll give her a bloody complex.

@FoxSquadKitten, don't worry I do mean gently. I'm disappointed that she felt she had to hide the wrappers and couldn't talk to me. Not disappointed in her as a person IYSWIM. She's my daughter and I love her, I'm not out to give her a complex.

Is it very expensive furniture?

I object to dirt but not mess( even though I don’t like it).

My guys have stickers/ posters and even drawings on their furniture/walls. It’s their space and they can be as creative/ messy as they like.

They are not lodgers or air b&b guests[hmm

Lol, I do love a jump on a bandwagon posts from other posters especially the dear god dramatic one..🤣

Op I've not got unresolved issues or need therapy, 🤣 but yes I can only take your post in isolation and react to that and yes children being illtreated does make me angry, every single time. And no I won't seek therapy to accept children being mistreated. In terms of your punishments for this crime your child was being ill treated. Even you yourself said she didn't deserve what she was getting with these groundings.

You say you're changing your course of action, but in the next breath say it's working and you won't. I'm sure your kids are happy and well adjusted and treated lovingly. Maybe this is just your one issue where you're unreasonable.

Personally I would encourage personal responsibility. Allow her to eat snacks openly in her room, but any mess she needs to clear up and damage needs to be in some way made up for. I'm still not quite sure how a bar of chocolate can damage furnishings, if I'm honest, but I guess that's another thread.

@Bluntness. My children are not ill treated and it is unacceptable for you to say that they are. Different people have different parenting styles, but just because others parent differently to you, that does not mean they are unreasonable or abusive. You are projecting your own issues and insecurities. Once again, please review what you post, and your motivations behind it.

Did you go searching behind the wardrobe to find the wrappers?