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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a real friendship can take some honesty

108 replies

AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:32

I suppose what I’m asking is, is it ever a good idea to tell a friend if they’ve annoyed us or upset us, where we are upset enough that we otherwise might not speak to them for a while?

I have a situation with a friend where I’m a bit upset with her. She seems largely unaware and is talking about meeting up. I don’t want to meet up and wasn’t sure whether to be honest about how I feel (as nicely as I can), make an excuse for not meeting up, just not reply for a bit and maybe I’ll feel better in a few days / weeks or just “suck it up” and be a good friend to her.

I haven’t said what I’m upset about as it’s not a massive thing (it’s more about her not being v supportive) and the AIBU isn’t about what’s happened, it’s about how we handle a situation where we are annoyed or upset by a friend.

I believe that in a good friendship we should be able to be honest but I expect I’m in the minority.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:35

I am currently leaning towards not saying anything to friend right now as I know I’m emotional at the moment (and could be overreacting) and might feel better about things in a week or a few weeks.

OP posts:
Storytell · 04/06/2019 09:35

Why didn't you tell her at the time, though? Whenever she did, or failed to do, whatever it is that upset or annoyed you. Was it recently?

But yes, in general, I'm all in favour of honesty if it can be communicated in a calm and non-vituperative way. On the other hand, if it's likely to be a passive-aggressive exchange of texts, or involve you screaming 'YOU LET ME DOWN!!!' it might be better just to distance yourself temporarily.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 04/06/2019 09:37

It depends whether you want to rock the boat. Some things can easily be let go over time, no one is perfect, but if her misdemeanor has seriously changed the way you feel about her and you can't get past it then you'll have to decide whether to bring it up or phase the friendship out.

Newmumma83 · 04/06/2019 09:38

Maybe she is desperate to meet up because she reflected and realised she didn’t help as she should have?

Maybe you do need to talk to rescue friendship ( calmly ) and you might find she has tons going on or a past issue that has made her react badly x x

Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:38

Why didn't you tell her at the time, though? Whenever she did, or failed to do, whatever it is that upset or annoyed you. Was it recently?

Yes it was recent. It’s been over the past few months and I have felt a bit let down by her. I texted her the other day to see what kind of response I got and I ended up feeling more like she isn’t being a friend and, honestly, I have no desire to see her. If I met up with her it would be out of a sense of obligation and I have enough on at the moment that I’m barely seeing the friends who are there for me.

But I know I have high standards and can be harsh.

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Londonline1 · 04/06/2019 09:39

I'm with you, but I guess it depends on both people in the friendship.

I don't think I could have a close friendship with somebody to whom I couldn't be honest about upset / offence.

But I have friends who don't even discuss that sort of thing with their partners, they just both tend to feel hurt / withdraw for a bit, then start to feel better and 'get over it'. To me, that seems a recipe for inevitable disaster, but it seems to work for them.

Do you feel like you could frame it in a way that 'owns' your own part in it and suggests a positive way forward?

Fatasfooook · 04/06/2019 09:42

I know what you mean. I never speak up and just avoid a friend for ages if they’ve upset me. Then get over it and resume as if nothing happened. Probably not very healthy

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2019 09:42

I'd be honest.
Tell her you're having a tough time at the moment and don't feel that meeting up at the moment would be a good idea as she's not been very supportive lately.or words to thst effect

Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:44

Maybe she is desperate to meet up because she reflected and realised she didn’t help as she should have?

I think this it is possible, yes, as she has said that she should have been in though sooner. But I think she has her own things going on and actually isn’t that bothered about me, which is fine, as I have friends who are.

OP posts:
HK2009 · 04/06/2019 09:45

100% you should tell her.

It's like any relationship - if there's no honesty what's the point? She probably doesn't even realise you're upset with her and she can't avoid making the same mistake in the future if you don't let her know it upset you

cookingonwine · 04/06/2019 09:45

Interesting post. As I have just recently told someone that I felt criticised and judge by them. They were expressing their opinion on what I was doing and how I was doing it. Now, they tried to explain they were just being honest, however they weren't being honest, they were expressing their opinion in a very negative way, and their constant opinions were just wearing me down. I did try and refrain from having contact but of course they weren't aware of why I was distancing myself.

No one likes criticism, so if you want the friendship to survive make sure you express it is how you feel and you are not blaming the other person, but they have to respect your boundaries.

Good luck

Overmaars · 04/06/2019 09:47

I've done that avoid them for a while thing. But I found that eventually I just stopped liking them. Maybe it would have been better to take the risk in the first place. At least then there's a chance to rescue the relationship. And you also know where you stand. However, I do think that people who aren't there for you are also people who don't like to be told they're in the wrong, however nicely you say it.

Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:48

Do you feel like you could frame it in a way that 'owns' your own part in it and suggests a positive way forward?

No and that’s my issue. I don’t think I can say it nicely enough. I would never be rude to her but the only way I could say it is to be direct and say I feel let down by X and found it odd that you then did Y...

Tell her you're having a tough time at the moment and don't feel that meeting up at the moment

I could do that but she knows I’m having a tough time and won’t know that she’s upset me so I’m not sure the friendship would recover.

I suppose I’m thinking the only way I could feel ok about things is to tell her and then if she’s a better friend, great, and if she’s not, fine, I’ll focus on the friends who are there for me.

Sorry to be cryptic. The thing that’s annoyed me isn’t a secret but I just didn’t want to be attacked for being annoyed with something most people might think is small. But I am annoyed 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Booboooo · 04/06/2019 09:48

But if she has her own thing going on.... shouldn't you be there for her also? Swings and roundabouts

gamerchick · 04/06/2019 09:49

But what does support look like for you though? There are people who expect impossible levels of support whether it be an endless ear on the phone, dropping everything to go running at a moment's notice. Spend hours listening to misery and tears, go round and look after their kids/clean their house right up to those who go all out to be a distraction and let the friend have a laugh.

Everyone has different qualities. You can't judge someone by your own standards and then expect them to know telepathically. Open your mouth and talk to them if you value the friendship.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/06/2019 09:51

Tell her you're having a tough time at the moment and don't feel that meeting up at the moment
I could do that but she knows I’m having a tough time and won’t know that she’s upset me so I’m not sure the friendship would recover
You missed the line underneath where I said and tell her as she's not been very supportive lately...

Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:51

No one likes criticism, so if you want the friendship to survive make sure you express it is how you feel and you are not blaming the other person

That is interesting. The problem is how to say it. I’m sure someone more eloquent than I could conjure something up.

But then I don’t want to have to say it just cause I’m a bit upset and need to get it out of my system or whatever. My last text to her, which she has replied to again saying she wants to meet up, I think hunted she hasn’t been a good friend. So maybe I’ve said enough.

I've done that avoid them for a while thing. But I found that eventually I just stopped liking them.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head

OP posts:
gamerchick · 04/06/2019 09:52

And also, if she has got her own stuff going on..have you been a friend to her by your own standards?

MatildaTheCat · 04/06/2019 09:52

I think it really depends. Last week a friend did something really stupid and put me in danger for a short while. I was absolutely furious but didn’t say much about her role in this, just that I wasn’t happy about what had happened and I wouldn’t be going there again for a while. Friend is currently extremely fragile and not very self aware so I didn’t see much point in worsening that.

In your situation I probably wouldn’t address it face on. It doesn’t sound like she’s your oldest most trusted friend. However I wouldn’t be meeting up either. I’m afraid is probably just send texts along the lines of, ‘keeping things quiet right now, talk soon.’

Also there are many ways of getting your point over. If you really want to tell someone they’ve upset you I’d say it’s best done face to face as tone and context are everything. Text messages gone wrong are a major source of trouble here on AIBU! Smile

Londonline1 · 04/06/2019 09:53

No and that’s my issue. I don’t think I can say it nicely enough. I would never be rude to her but the only way I could say it is to be direct and say I feel let down by X and found it odd that you then did Y...*

Honestly I feel like this IS a way to 'own' your bit of it - you're being honest about your reaction without making accuccusations about her motivation etc. If you tack a 'do you feel able to tell me about why you did X or Y' on the end then that's a really constructive way to approach it, surely?

I don't think niceness has to trump directness in times of conflict. Sometimes it is kind to be straightforward.

BastardGoDarkly · 04/06/2019 09:54

Agree with pp. Shes also having a tough time, has she got other friends that are 'there for her'

You have, and are still annoyed that she wasnt also supporting you.

Do you think you're unfairly demanding in friendships?

user1471592953 · 04/06/2019 09:55

I was in your position and told my friend she’d hurt my feelings. It was probably helpful overall - but I was a bit over her by then because she had been so insensitive in the first place.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2019 09:56

The thing that’s annoyed me isn’t a secret but I just didn’t want to be attacked for being annoyed with something most people might think is small

Could this be the key point? You know it's petty and you're not behaving well and that's why you don't want to post what it is?

Original poster
AliceRR · 04/06/2019 09:56

You missed the line underneath where I said and tell her as she's not been very supportive lately...

Sorry!

That’s not a bad idea tbh. I was thinking something along the lines of she is understandably very focussed on things going on in her own life

But what does support look like for you though? There are people who expect impossible levels of support whether it be an endless ear on the phone, dropping everything to go running at a moment's notice.

You’re right. People do have different expectations. For me, it would have been a text once in a while. Maybe once a month to ask how I am or say she’s thinking of me.

I don’t want to sound like a princess but I’ve found it odd that she hasn’t been in touch. I then contacted her and she said she thinks of me a lot but didn’t want to intrude. She also told me she has some news she was worried about telling me which she told me in her message but I found it odd she didn’t simply ask how I’m doing and wait for a reply before telling me the news she thought would upset me. Incidentally I’m fine with the news itself but I think she’s coming across as very self centred and that makes me not want to spend time with her. I’d be pretending.

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JudgeRindersMinder · 04/06/2019 09:57

It totally depends on the personalities involved. I’ve someone who was a close friend, amd it was ok for her to be honest and direct with her, but the one time I was gently honest with her, there were massive repercussions. I’ve since really distanced myself a bit from her, and I’m not even sure that she’s noticed. I guess the friendship wasn’t as close as I thought