To think a real friendship can take some honesty

[AliceRR]

I suppose what I’m asking is, is it ever a good idea to tell a friend if they’ve annoyed us or upset us, where we are upset enough that we otherwise might not speak to them for a while?

I have a situation with a friend where I’m a bit upset with her. She seems largely unaware and is talking about meeting up. I don’t want to meet up and wasn’t sure whether to be honest about how I feel (as nicely as I can), make an excuse for not meeting up, just not reply for a bit and maybe I’ll feel better in a few days / weeks or just “suck it up” and be a good friend to her.

I haven’t said what I’m upset about as it’s not a massive thing (it’s more about her not being v supportive) and the AIBU isn’t about what’s happened, it’s about how we handle a situation where we are annoyed or upset by a friend.

I believe that in a good friendship we should be able to be honest but I expect I’m in the minority.

Yeah, you sound hard work to me op.

Could this be the key point? You know it's petty and you're not behaving well and that's why you don't want to post what it is?

No I think the point is this isn’t a discussion about why I’m annoyed or whether I’m justified in being annoyed, or even whether my friend’s actions are justified, the fact is I feel as I do and I don’t want to see the friend. She hasn’t been the kind of friend that I want to invest my time in. But I am seeking views on what is the reasonable way to deal with that, be honest, or just not be confrontational and let things fizzle out.

I have some friends I know I can be honest with and who have told me if I’ve upset them with something I’ve said and I prefer that. But I know not everyone does!

I also think maybe it’s not a real friendship if we can’t be honest.

Yeah, you sound hard work to me op.

🙈

What’s the issue? If she’s a good friend - the friendship will survive. Just be honest. Would you like to tell us the problem?

There are times in our lives when we need a bit more support from our friends than at other times. Having read some of your other posts I'd guess this is one of those times for you. You certainly don't need to be starting an argument with a friend (that's not going to do you or her any good and will probably only make you more upset). But I do think that being a good friend means being prepared to tell people when you genuinely feel they have behaved wrongly. To quote an old saying: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend; but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful." Better to talk it through calmly (if you feel up to it) than to brood about it privately whilst pretending everything is fine to her face.

I think that to honour your relationship and allow it to grow you need to be able to address issues and hurt feelings.
This does however require high level communication skills that many of us, maybe even most of us, don't have.

I agree that it's about talking about how you feel and not about blaming the other person or being aggressive with them.
When you understand the other persons take on the situation this can help you to see it differently and to acknowledge your own part in it.

I have ended friendships when people refuse to discuss problems because they are fearful of conflict, because the same problems reoccur over and over again which I get fed up with.

Look. If you don't like her anymore and don't want to see her don't. Just let it fizzle out. You don't need to find a reason to make it her fault. You don't need to be a bitch about it. You don't need to leave blood on the table.

Just say you're not available and will be in touch when you are and then don't.

OK I’ll explain but then we’re going to go off topic of whether I should talk to her and it will become about why I feel the way I do.

I had a loss earlier this year, my baby girl was still born at full term. She died the day before she was due. I told my friend as I sent texts to a few people (didn’t feel like calling obvs) but it was my due date so people were asking about the baby. Friend replied to say she’s very sorry and she also came to the funeral. She’s a very polite friend (and I wonder whether this is all it is sometimes) so would always come to anything she’s “invited” to IYKWIM. That was three months ago and she hasn’t called or texted since even to ask how I am or say she’s thinking of us. I find this odd compared the friends who have made so much effort, even the ones who are v young and never had kids and don’t know what to say, they text to ask if I want to meet up or just ask what I’ve been up to or tell me mindless gossip from the office and I have met up with them.

I texted friend the other day to ask how she and her DH are. She replied saying she thinks of me a lot but hasn’t wanted to intrude and by the way she isn’t sure how to tell me but they’re expecting a baby and she’d like to meet up.

Now I should say I’m not avoiding babies or pregnant women. A friend’s baby was due a few weeks after my baby. I saw her two weeks after my baby died, when she was 39 w, I gave her advice about birth, I gave her the nappies I had, I went shopping and bought her baby girl clothes and I’ve even had her and the baby over at the house. She’s my friend and I’m happy for her and her baby had nothing to do with my baby girl.

But what I’m annoyed about is (a) she hasn’t been in touch and I had to text her first (which I did because I realised she might have things going on) and (b) if she was so worried that I might be upset by her news then why not ask how I am / we are and wait for the reply before telling me the news she thought would upset me? I can understand more her staying away because she’s pregnant but she could still have texted.

I replied to her text saying she wouldn’t have been intruding, I’ve really appreciated all the support I’ve had from my friends, I told her I’m really happy for her and asked how far along she is (I also mentioned I have seen other friend with baby etc so that is not an issue)...

Her last text says she’s sorry for not telling me her news sooner (which is not the point at all) had been worried about upsetting me (which annoys me because it doesn’t fit with how she told me - what if she’d asked how I am and I’d said actually I’m struggling and there are pregnant women everywhere?!) and she says she’d like to meet up etc.

I had a friend who was being a complete twat and I withdrew a bit. They realised and wanted to know what the problem was. I told them, completely honest but trying to keep it lighter and accept responsibility for my side - they're now not speaking to me. Honesty, even when requested, is not necessarily appreciated or accepted. If you want to retain the friendship I'd suggest just taking some time and space so that you 'forget' a bit their part in your feelings.

Are you willing to potentially lose the friendship?

I have a friend who was offended by jokes I made at her expense, in my defense, I thought she'd find them funny but she didn't.

Anyways, she text me explaining that she was upset when I said x, y or z, I was initially annoyed because we were all laughing and joking at the time and she didn't seem upset at all, however when we both reflected we jointly took blame.
I was harsh, hadn't realised I'd offended and she was being overly sensitive.

Our friendship has moved passed it.
Any decent friendship should. x

I do think, having let it lie for a few days, that I’ve probably said enough. I did at least hint she should have been in touch and she has accepted she should have.

I might just say I’ll be in touch when I’m ready to meet if thats ok and then chances are I’ll see her and we’ll be ok.

PS I think I’m hormonal too (I get v bad PMS) so I absolutely think I’m probably a bit more annoyed / upset because of that which is why I wasn’t focussing in the problem but more the discussion point of whether we tell friends when they annoy us - which I wouldn’t do while I might have PMT anyway!

I would always say something but only face to face. Absolutely not over the phone, or via message.

I am really hurt by something a friend did and as a result we haven't spoken for 3 months. We live 1,000 miles apart and it's killing me but these things can't be done via text.

I have found that when life's crises hit, some people step forward and some step back. Now they might have stepped back for very good reasons or just because they are a bit useless at that type of thing and so you don't get the same from everyone. You can either live with that or not. I'd prefer to keep contact with my old friends, even if some don't call for a long while, I recently met up a couple of times with an old friend I hadn't spoken with for two years and it was absolutely fab. But if you want text support and more everyday interaction, that wouldn't be for everyone.

I wouldn't personally say anything, I'd either put up with it or just let the friendship go (by not texting). I'm sure I haven't always been the best friend ever, but I've given what I had to give and I'd prefer the open door for most of my friends as well. Harsh words aren't going to make her a better friend, if you want to avoid, then do so.

Been there where my closest friend gave me no support at all( in fact was cold and flippant) and everyone else was lovely over a big thing in my life. She apologised in a text a few months later. The damage was done. Made me rethink the whole friendship. Havent seen her for years. Bumped into her recently. No mention of falling out but we dudnt reconnect. Too mych water under the bridge and whilst she has stayed the same I've moved on. Dont know if thats any help except to think about how u will feel if u dont discuss it or if u do and possibly fall out over it. Only u know how important the issue/lack of support is. One of my friends is not always supportive but shes always going from crisis to crisis.

Unless it’s something horrendous, I’d let it go. Friendships, genuine bonds can be hard to maintain. Over a lifetime people and situations change and it may be that her letting you down wasn’t intentional? Thing if the “long haul” perspective. Only you know, OP.

I'm really sorry about your loss.

I think in this instance it's understandable she stayed away, she clearly didn't wish to hurt you with news of her pregnancy. The other friend is different, you knew she was pregnant. Clearly your friend you've an issue with didn't know how to address it.

I don't think this is small or anything else you've insinuated but I do think maybe the whole situation is clouding your view. With a cold eyes her behaviour is understandable, she simply didn't know how to handle it and didn't wish to hurt you.

I suspect she's a better friend than you think.

I am very sorry for your loss, and completely understand why you feel the way you do, however I can understand why your friend didn't contact you - it's difficult to know what to say or how to be around someone who's been through something so awful.

As you say, she's acknowledged her faults and she sounds like a good friend all in all. I think it's best for you both to move on as normal. Don't avoid her if you still want to be friends x

😡 THINK OF the long haul

Sorry, post before I saw your post.

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.
I just can't imagine how awful that has been for you.

I had a friend go through the same thing and I did struggle with 'how to play it'.
I can imagine that would be especially worse if I had been pregnant too during this time.

Meet up, explain you're super happy for her but that you don't want it to change your friendship and she shouldn't be scared to tell you her happy news.

I would always say something but only face to face. Absolutely not over the phone, or via message

That’s a good point too. Maybe I will see how things go and if we meet up in a few weeks or whatever, if I’m still upset and / or if it comes up, maybe I’ll say something then.

I wouldn't personally say anything, I'd either put up with it or just let the friendship go (by not texting).

I think generally I prefer to say something but I’m this situation I think the issue has been addressed so I’ll just see in a few weeks whether I feel like I want to see her. I’m not going to make myself see her.

I haven’t been socialising much anyway. I’m still off work on mat leave and see a friend maybe once a week. So it’s not like I’m seeing everyone but her. The truth is there is a list of people I would choose to see before her and maybe that is the point.

Having read the reason, I see why you were upset. I'm so sorry.

I also see why she didn't want to wade in with her happy pregnancy news. I genuinely think she was probably thinking how difficult that would be for you.

She may also just be the type of person that shies away from difficult times. There's lots of those.

If she wants to meet now, and you want to meet do, but if it is too upsetting for you, then do whatever works for you- being kind to yourself is the most important thing.

Friendships are extremely hard, I think. I had a best friend of 6 years who everything was great with and then one day when we were out together she made some comments about members of the public that were extremely offensive (racist). I am not white and felt physically sick at what she’d said. I did say something to her later but I was a coward and did it over the phone and all hell broke loose even though I think I’d been as sensitive as I could. She immediately accused me of calling her a racist and attempting to end a friendship. I tried to explain that it was because our friendship was important to me that I was letting her know how upsetting I’d found the comments and that I needed to know if she really believed what she’d said so that I knew if that’s how she saw me too and if it had been anyone else I just would have cut them off straight away. She didn’t apologise for what she’d said and instead started attacking me and saying I was a sick person. Needless to say our friendship didn’t survive, but worse that that she told all of our mutual friends, colleagues etc that I was sick and had accused her of being a racist and I was then excluded from the friendship group. I lost my best friend and another 7 people all in one go. For a while, I had no friends at all. It’s a lonnnnnnngggg time ago now but they still refer to me as if I’m some sort of nutter and I dread bumping into them.

Honestly, it’s the cowardly thing to do but now, if I have a problem I just ghost. If I’d hurt someone I’d want to know what I’d done and have the opportunity to put it right but my experience of others is that you aren’t allowed to be honest about how another persons behaviour affects you without unleashing hell. If you still want to be friends, don’t say anything and just know that she isn’t a supportive person. Be careful because whatever you do she’s probably going to say you couldn’t handle her news and were jealous/judgemental/whatever story she will create. Have you got mutual friends?

It depends on their personality and in how you approach it
I have a friend I would never be honest with as her insecurity would cause her to store it up so that she could mete out an appropriate punishment at a later date.

I am so sorry for your loss op. That must have been the most horrendous situation. You are quite right to expect support and love from those closest to you.

I am assuming your friend is pregnant, and could not find the words to tell you, nor could she lie to you. So has gone quiet whilst she works out how to deal with it. On one hand she is delighted about her own news, but she can not ignore what has happened to you, but that seems to be exactly what she has done. Buried her head in the sand.

I could never let down a friend like this, ever, but I can understand why she may have felt really stuck. It is not an excuse at all, but it is an explanation at least.

I don’t think I could be friends with someone like this any longer. It would not have compromised her to send a txt or pick up the phone, and yet she choose not to.

She already knows she has hurt you, you have already strongly hinted as much. Let the friendship fade, she is not the great friend you thought she was.
Testing times will always challenge friendships, and she has failed rather spectacularly In my view.

Focus on those that were there for you

What happened OP, was so awful. I’m so sorry.

People don’t always react well to other’s trauma/loss/grief. If you feel it’s a friendship worth saving come away from it for a while and tell her why. I have been in your friend’s position and out of fear and just plain “I’ve NO idea what to do/say” I had to distance myself. I knew it was wrong but even if I turned the clock back, I’d have done the same thing because I had to.

These things are never easy.