Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Have a 4th at 47 or not?

335 replies

baby4ornot · 03/06/2019 16:19

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 04/06/2019 09:49

I really wouldn't feel guilty to an embryo. It's like feeling guilty to every egg when you have a period.

If you want another child fine but not out of guilt.

roisinagusniamh · 04/06/2019 09:50

No. You are too old.

Whoops75 · 04/06/2019 09:56

No, it’s too risky

I think you should let them destroy the last egg. Donating a potential full sibling would be head wrecking for all of you.

Myheartbelongsto · 04/06/2019 10:00

You'll be 60 going to secondary school open evenings!

Selfish on the child in my opinion.

escapade1234 · 04/06/2019 10:00

What does donating it to research mean?

What do they do with it?

septembersunshine · 04/06/2019 10:52

Op I had the hernia you described after 3 pregnancies and 3 c-cections. Had it fixed with mesh. I have a massive scar hip to hip and a hand-made belly button. Really it was a compleate reconstruction of that entire area. 6 years later I was 36 and pregnant with my 4th. I had the baby and my tummy was fine. I expected the very worst tbh and had hyperemisis yet again, which felt like a compleate shredding of thouse muscles for the 4 months I was very ill. But he was born at 38 weeks, 6lb, healthy. The tummy went back ok, a little loose skin but the hernia never returned. However, the 4th c-section was terrifying. I was told next time I probably wouldn't be so lucky. Everything was quite stuck together inside...scar tissue. I found out my uterus was extremely thin. I could have had my bladder or bowel wrecked. I could have bled to death. Op, you could have a 4th. It could be fine. But it could also and equally not be. I was so lucky. Blessed, even, but it could have been an utter disaster. I don't know if another pg would be worth that kind of risk for you and now I thinl you have to make a decision and find a peace with it.

Happyspud · 04/06/2019 10:54

Should you? No.
Will you anyway? Your choice.

fairweathercyclist · 04/06/2019 10:57

I'm 47. Absolutely not.

It's very unfair for a child to have elderly parents even if everything goes ok and you have a successful pregnancy and the child has no medical problems.

Also is it fair on the other kids? 4 children is a large family and there are obvious sacrifices that have to be made - more so than when you have 3.

booksandcaffeine · 04/06/2019 11:01

I'd say no. Not because of your age but the complications from the twin pregnancy. The risks outweigh the benefits in this case.

What about embryo donation, would that be an option for you?

furrybadger · 04/06/2019 11:06

Imagine it from the potential child’s point of view, people would more than likely mistake you for their grandma out and about and at school, your too old

Beechview · 04/06/2019 11:12

Having another baby will be very disruptive. And let’s be honest (I’m the same age) you won’t be at your best anymore. It’s all a bit downhill now as far as energy and physical health goes.
I’m not saying it’s all doom and gloom but it may be hard to recover well from another pregnancy and birth when you already have issues.
Just put your energy into the family you have.

JaneEyreAgain · 04/06/2019 11:23

This is a tricky situation for you and I can understand your dilemma. You need time to come to this decision and you need to give yourself permission to make the right decision for your family.

The ethical considerations around IVF are complex and this is one of the situations where you are faced with a difficult decision.

I hope you find the right space to explore your thoughts around this and find peace with your final decision.

crazyasafox · 04/06/2019 11:48

I agree with the posters saying it's unfair on the child. Even if the parents are in reasonable health in their 60s and 70s, it's going to be embarrassing for a teenager to have a mother (and father probably!) who is virtually a pensioner. And in many instances, there are going to be all kinds of things they can't do (with small kiddies) because of their advanced years.

As someone said on a similar thread yesterday, people slow down and become more weak and tired, and less active after the age of 50. Why the hell would anyone want a little infant-age child to be running around in their life, and to be constantly there, when they are in their FIFTIES? Confused

And as someone else said yesterday, who wants to be dealing with TEENAGERS at around the age of 70?! Confused

One of the very few women I know who had a baby in their 40s (at 43 actually,) was constantly pissed off when she started taking the kid to school (when he was 4-5 y.o,) because everyone, I mean everyone including the teachers, other parents, and school nurse etc etc, thought she was the little boy's grandmother. And even at the doctors the nurse said 'awww charlie, your nana's brought you today, how lovely. You gonna feed the ducks later with nanny?'

She was really pissed off ALL the time, and angry, as she could not fathom why all these people thought she was his gran. She was 43 when he was born, and 48-49 in his first 2 years of school. For some reason, she thought (when she had him - when she was 43,) that she looked ten years younger than her age. She also thought at 47-48, that she looked like she was in her 30s.

She was wrong. She didn't look ten years younger than her age at 43, and she certainly didn't look like a woman in her 30s, at 47-48. She looked every bit a woman knocking the door of 50... And people are not going to think that a woman knocking the door of 50, with a 5 year old, is his mother! Most people will think it's his granny.

Some people are under the bizarre illusion that they look MUCH younger than they are, and like this woman I know, find it hard to fathom why people don't think they look 10-12 years younger, and think they all need their eyes testing. Wink

Anyway, this woman's son is now 15, and he is mortified that his mum looks like a pensioner compared to his mates mums who are pretty much all a generation younger than his mum.

Having a baby past 43/44 is pretty selfish for so many reasons as many people have said. Apart from embarrassment for your kids (with people thinking you're their gran;) in many cases, they will end up as young people who are motherless, (in their late teens to maybe early 30s,) or who are having to care for an elderly and ailing parent at a young age, when they should be enjoying life.

Then when they have babies themselves, their mother is too old and frail to help, or has already shuffled off her mortal coil.

Some people come out with this 'my granny is 99, and as fit as a fiddle and more active than me,' line, and 'my friend's mum who had her at 18, died aged 33, leaving my friend motherless at only 15, so there are no guarantees for anything!' line, as excuses to have babies at an older age. But it's such a poor argument, as there are sooooooooo many reasons to not have babies past 43-44. (I would say not even past 40 actually.)

bibliomania · 04/06/2019 11:59

Would it help to have a private farewell ritual to the fourth embryo? I suppose for environmental reasons we shouldn't release balloons, but something that involves a symbolic letting go - release a candle in a paper boat or something. Let go of the possibility.

I don't know what you believe about souls, but if you think of this embryo as a soul-in-waiting, it doesn't mean they never get their chance. Release it so it can seek another life.

makingmammaries · 04/06/2019 12:18

You want to be dealing with a 13-year-old as you hit your sixties? I wouldn't, though I had a fifth child at age 41. If you feel bad for the embryo, send it for adoption and your guilt is gone.

StealthPolarBear · 04/06/2019 13:00

"Bridget1983

Is there the option of a surrogate carrying the embryo for you? Don’t know how it all works but it would take the physical strain of the pregnancy away?"

It wouldn't take it away. It would transfer it to someone else

Aprillygirl · 04/06/2019 13:02

Definitely not! The only thing disturbing your sleep at your age is the night sweats not a screaming baby!

Missingstreetlife · 04/06/2019 13:27

I'm sure there is a support group for this, or including this, it must be quite common.
There are services for anyone who miscarried or lost a baby, they are non denominational, no one will ask if you are a believer, or the circumstances of your loss.
If after counselling you still feel unsettled this may help, write a letter or just light a candle for the one that never was and couldn't be. Best wishes

escapade1234 · 04/06/2019 13:30

Is there the option of a surrogate carrying the embryo for you? Don’t know how it all works but it would take the physical strain of the pregnancy away?

It wouldn't take it away. It would transfer it to someone else

I couldn’t agree more. I hate the language around surrogacy. What people mean to say is “couldn’t you pay a poor woman to ruin her body in exchange for cash so you don’t have to?”

teyem · 04/06/2019 13:33

Yes. I can't help thinking it suits a lot of people that the language around surrogacy sounds just like sending out the laundry.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 04/06/2019 13:36

45 is the cut-off age at our local IVF clinic.

There are real medical implications for mothers over that age. I'd say the risks were too great. But I do also understand exactly how overpowering that desire for a child can be (we had to stop at one, and I was devastated).

thetonsillolith · 04/06/2019 13:36

I am 37 and the idea of that makes me feel exhausted!

anothernotherone · 04/06/2019 13:56

crazyasafox that must depend on area. I know loads and loads of women who've had their children in their 40s. As it's normal both where I live and among old school and university friends who live elsewhere nobody is constantly furious or constantly being mistaken for a grandparent. I agree few people who believe they look ten years younger actually do, but that's nothing to do with it - having a baby at 40, 41, 42 even 43 is very normal indeed. In fact I know vastly more women who've had a baby at 40 or older than women who've had a baby under the age of 21. Especially if you discount people who had their babies more than 20 years ago...

47 isn't common because it becomes unusual to conceive naturally after 45. However it's not freakish, depending where OP lives it may never raise an eyebrow, it may be an area where a 21 year old with a toddler is mistaken for a nanny/ Au-Pair not one where a 45 year old is assumed to be a grandmother.

It's the OP's history of surgery for an umbilical hernia, her blood pressure and the impact of her twin pregnancy previously mean that she and her womb are unlikely to be in the best condition to undergo pregnancy. The key thing for me is she already has 3 young children. The existing children could in the worst case scenario lose their mother. In a slightly less extreme case she could be left incontinent, doubly incontinent and/ or out of action in hospital, having surgeries, unable to look after her children for a considerable amount of time, or indeed permanently disabled by a pregnancy given the scaring and pregnancy history she already has.

It's not worth the risk of a high risk pregnancy because of the 3 existing children.

motherheroic · 04/06/2019 15:19

So you want to risk your health or potentially your life because you feel sorry for an embryo?

How about thinking about your living children outside the womb.

ethelfleda · 04/06/2019 15:41

You don’t need a 4th child and especially not at that age.

Swipe left for the next trending thread