Have a 4th at 47 or not?

[baby4ornot]

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

I would try and have the embryo donated as I think you are slightly on the side of too old to have another one and recover well.

However, if it couldn't be donated I would be considering implanting it due to the guilt at it being 'left behind'. There's no guarantee it would take anyway.

You feel immense guilt about a microscopic bunch of frozen cells, so much so that you'd risk your life to try and make it into a baby that you don't even particularly want, by the sound of things?

OP, your thinking is madness, as is the thought of having a baby at 47 when you've had major abdominal surgery. Enjoy the three DC you have and get yourself some therapy if you continue to feel such irrational guilt. I've seen some bonkers threads on MN over the years, but this one is up there with the craziest.

I think given your previous complications and that you have 3 children to consider, it is a bad idea.

It's not the age, it's the health risks given the surgery you have had. You will have to be so careful your entire pregnancy. Enjoy the kids you have. Don't risk them having a mum who can't run around with them or worse.

I understand the wanting to give the embryo a chance. We have been there but I think that if I was in your situation we wouldn't have done it.

No.

You've already had a near miss physically. Don't muck around with your health, your DC's need you to be healthy.

I am coming from this from a different point of view in that, at the ripe old age of 47 I am currently 22+4 weeks pregnant with IVF twins. They are my first children and my first pregnancy to get beyond 12 weeks (a TFMR at 12 weeks and a miscarriage at 9 weeks but they were 21 and 12 years ago so when I was in my 20’s and 30’s respectively). DH and I only met 5 years ago and started trying, when it didn’t happen naturally we sought help from our GP who supported our choice to look into why. We were told IVF with donor eggs was our only option and so we started saving then went for private treatment. We are lucky it only took our 2nd cycle to be successful - we have friends of similar ages who have spent many years to have their twins due to primary infertility.

We also have 3 remaining embryos which can stay frozen for the next 4 1/2 years as per clinic policy - and they are prepared to treat women up to the age of 55. However, given we’re having twins, we are happy to say that’s enough. We do t know what we will do with the remaining embryos - they’re not mine genetically but they would be full siblings to our twins if we donated them to another woman/couple.

I think you should seek the advice of your surgeon who did the hernia repair for his opinion on whether another pregnancy would be risky to your health from his point of view; what is your blood pressure like post your twins? Discuss this with your primary physician for their point of view. Ultimately, though, you need to listen to your DH as well - he doesn’t want to donate but does he want to try for another pregnancy with that embryo?

Im 45 this year and have 3 - youngest 11 and the thought of another makes me sick.

Don’t you think you’ve been through enough?

No way. Could you end up with twins or triplets?

I’m usually very easy going about this issue. I had my last child at 42. We never used birth control after she was born as we would have welcomed a fourth child.

My pregnancies and health were fine. If there had been any risk to me, I definitely would not have been so open to another pregnancy.

I can’t comment on your embryo as I haven’t been in your circumstances. Is it possible to seek counseling to help you through this decision?

Just no. You want to go ahead for all the wrong reasons. Nobody needs to be dealing with toddler tantrums at 50.

Unless you’re nanna and can hand them back at the end of the day.

That is a good suggestion to seek counseling on the guilt of the embryo. I do believe the a key reason for me contemplating a 4th pregnancy is the fact that I know I have this fertilized embryo in limbo. I look at the kids I have now and I think this embryo could become a person like them and I love them so much, how can I not think about giving that embryo a chance? No guarantee it will make it but don’t I owe it a chance? At the same time as a lot have mentioned I would be high risk pregnancy and I could be putting my life/health at risk. My gyno leans towards me not but would not say I shouldn't. He did advise me of all the risks and due to my stomach sewn that it would be a very uncomfortable pregnancy.
I just cant seem to let go of the what if.

I'd donate the embryo - that will give it the chance that you are wishing for.

I think it would be a great risk to go ahead with no.4 considering your sewn stomach and the high risk of what could go wrong, and you have 3 young kids to think about. Maybe donation to a struggling couple could help you and at least the embryo would be given a chance.

The phrase 'destroying it' turns my stomach too.

OP my parents are almost 70, I'm just finishing medical school, as a mature student, and i have a younger brother who is 12 years younger and just staring uni. I had a great childhood, parents were always financially secure.

toddlers don't mix with the menopause very well.

I have a cousin who became pregnant at 45. She was an old 45 (I’m attitude and appearance). Her husband was nearly 50 and in ill health. They were constantly mistaken for the grandparents.

Little boy is now ten, his father has retired and is in very poor health (requires oxygen). His mother has had poor health since he was born. He has never played football or chase or gone swimming with either parent. He has been caught telling his friends they are his grandparents - which broke his mums heart.

He is a wonderful child and I would never wish him away. But I’m not sure his parents were in the right place to become parents. Mainly due to health, but partly due to age (it is unlikely his dad will live to see home become a teenager, his mum will be well into her retirement when he goes to university).

Anyone can become ill, but you know your situation best, can you offer a child an active full life thought-out your fifties and sixties?

I really don't think it's primarily about age, it's about health with the background described and the risk of not surviving the pregnancy or being permanently disabled by it.

Having 3 children already makes this a selfish risk to take.

I can understand how you feel. I just completed a second round of IVF after having DS who is now 2. This round I had 3 embryos and kept saying to DH 'what if they all make it? Will we feel like we need to have another 3 kids?' Fate stepped in and only 1 made it to 5 days so this is our last go. I'm not sure how I would have felt about the remaining 2 had they survived but I'm only 36. At your age and with your history I think you need to let this one go.

@Dippypippy1980 my dad always got mistaken for a Grandad, particularly at supermarket checkouts!! We all laughed it off.

No way.

You've been through the mill already and you're 47! This will be an unpopular opinion but it's a factual one nonetheless: you are old.

Too old.

Cassie - I maybe put to much emphasis on the grandparent thing. The main problem for this little boy is he is missing out on active, healthy parents. He doesn’t find it funny because his parents lead a similar life to many of his friends grandparents.

In fact my parents (in their 70s) have grandchildren his age and he loves spending time with them because my dad plays football in the garden, and they go to the park and the pool and the ice rink.

No you don't owe a cluster of cells a chance at 47 with 3 children already, children who need you and should be your priority.

Babies at this age is not normal or a good idea whatever anyone might tell you. Put it to bed and enjoy your children

I know you say you feel guilt op but what if there were more embryos? Where would you stop?

With all of the previous health complications and your age I believe you would be doing your 3 existing children a huge disservice by even contemplating this.
Your judgement is further clouded as you and your DH can't agree on what to do with the remaining embryo.

You are a lucky woman. You have 3 healthy, wonderful children. Against all odds.

Why you would actively choose to put your own life at risk which would obviously affect your husband and children is beyond me.