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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Have a 4th at 47 or not?

335 replies

baby4ornot · 03/06/2019 16:19

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

OP posts:
ishouldbedoingsomework · 03/06/2019 17:25

I definitely wouldn't and I'm 41.
But re the embryo, I can see your point of view- but could your husband not reconsider his position re the adoption. I imagine that could be such a wonderful thing to do for another couple.

Sparklingfairylights · 03/06/2019 17:26

No way, jeez the planet is massively overpopulated as it is without having a 4th one Hmm

user87382294757 · 03/06/2019 17:28

I have also been told both by doctor and surgeon that after my ado surgery would be inadvisable to have another.

ComeAndDance · 03/06/2019 17:29

Honestly, I woulnt do it.
Its just me but the first thing tat came to my mimd was that when that child who turn up 20yo, you would be 68yo. Past retirement age. And at an age where people start getting life long illnesses (I have a few people around me at that age circa 70yo who has severe mobility issues, dementia etc etc).
I wouldnt want to impose all that to a young adult.

My own limit was 39yo for those reasons. I know and appreciate that others would be happy to go ahead.
IOt has to be your choice.

On a very practical note, would you be able to carry the pregnancy (aka are you perimenopausal, would th lining be good enough etc...?) I m going to assume that going through yet anoither cycle for it to fail would be heartbreaking too....

nelsonmuntzslingshot · 03/06/2019 17:29

With the massive risk to your health from previous pregnancies, presumably you would be paying for private healthcare for the duration of your pregnancy and birth, so as not to over burden the NHS? You have three healthy children and you are 47 with health risks - why would you even consider this?

sanmiguel · 03/06/2019 17:29

It's a no from me too. Sorry OP. Enjoy your 3 bundles of joy and your new chapters as they unfold.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/06/2019 17:29

Why would you ? The risks and issues are immense . As noted by PP

Be grateful for what you have and move on I would say , don’t feel guiltFlowers

user87382294757 · 03/06/2019 17:30

The baby in the article has new parents in their 70s! Hardly comparable.

ArchieHarrison · 03/06/2019 17:31

what did your husband say about unused embryos before you embarked on this process?
(& what is your doctor advising about the likelihood of such a long-frozen embryo actually defrosting? has it been on ice for seven years already?)

personally I think you should be thinking of the three you have rather than a potential fourth which is at best going to cause you health issus

Thewindblows · 03/06/2019 17:32

I don't think 47 is an IDEAL age to have a baby in any circumstance, for a man or a woman. However we all understand there are various reasons why someone may only be in a position to have kids at an older age, and if the OP were talking about a desperately wanted first child I think advice would be different.

However it sounds like you don't desperately want another child, you have potentially large risk factors after your previous pregnancies, and you have 3 other DC to think about first.
I think counselling to help unpick your feelings and explore your options is the best way forward.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/06/2019 17:33

" I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby."

"My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either."

Reading and re-reading your OP, you don't actually seem to me to want a fourth child baby4ornot. It all seems to come down to feeling a responsibility to the embryo. Guilt. FFS, GUILT at not using every embryo. That's just astonishing to me.

You have three children who you have actual responsibility to. And you are willing to risk your health and their future over what sounds to me like unresolved issues. I mean this kindly, though it won't sound it, but really - you need to get a grip. Have you ever had counselling? I don't know about these things, but could the IVF clinic refer you to a counsellor/therapist with experience of this kind of reaction to unimplanted embryos? I hope they do, or that you can find your way to such a counsellor by other means.

Ask yourself a question - if this embryo did not exist and all my children had been conceived naturally without the aid of IVF - would I be wanting to get pregnant again at 47? I believe your answer to that question would be 'No'.

stucknoue · 03/06/2019 17:33

Only you know what is in your heart. I'm almost the same age and if my knight in shining armour swept me off my feet away from here (and hearing h snoring in the spare room still saying he wants a divorce but not getting round to doing anything) I would have another, I regret not having another 15 years ago though that is probably my peri menopausal hormones (I doubt I would conceive). It's actually hard to get pregnant over 45 so whatever you decide you need to be realistic

candycane222 · 03/06/2019 17:37

Vulpine and others - IMO, not sure it is OK for the dad to be really old either.

DesperadoDan · 03/06/2019 17:41

If your health is up to it, you can afford it, you and your DP actually want another baby and you have enough time to give to 4 young children I would.
I appreciate I’m in the minority.
Personally I would go for it and hire a nanny to help with the younger ones care whilst pregnant.

candycane222 · 03/06/2019 17:42

But no, I wouldn't. I know you went to a huge amount ofi efort to create this embryo - but nothing like the effort you are going to now and are going to put in in the coming years for your three existing DC. There is a serious chance you will wreck your body and your chance to enjoy loads of mum things with your existing 3 and really, I don't think anyone needs 4 children.

If the embryo could be donated that would tie up a loose end, but honestly I feel fertility help is there to help peope have their optimum family, not their biggest possible family. The two are definitely not the same thing!

Mitzimaybe · 03/06/2019 17:43

I'd probably say no too, not because you're "too old", but because of your previous medical issues and the risks to yourself of another pregnancy.

Hellshotforgoodreason · 03/06/2019 17:43

I totally understand the attachment and feelings of responsibility (loyalty?) you feel towards your frozen embryo as that's how I felt having been there myself but in your situation I think you have to put the wellbeing of your existing children first they need their mother happy and healthy .

Missingstreetlife · 03/06/2019 17:43

I think I would not risk it. The embryo will go out of date I believe, but I would think very carefully before donating, unless for research which you may not want either. Have your cry and move on, your live children need you more.

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 03/06/2019 17:45

No way!!

MissSmiley · 03/06/2019 17:45

Having given up frozen embryos after successfully ivf treatment I feel for you, I had two single pregnancies and ivf twins only to fall pregnant naturally with number five. I agreed to let the remaining frozen embryos perish afterwards. I also had a full abdominoplasty after the twins and carried my fifth baby with it remaining intact. I think a lot of people who have never gone through ivf will struggle to understand how you feel, please private message me if you wish I think our situations have been quite similar

helloyellow89 · 03/06/2019 17:45

You’ll be a couple of years off 70 when the child is 20. Don’t do it.

PennyStocks · 03/06/2019 17:45

In terms of your age, I wouldn't have said it's a big deal. I bet you're fitter and healthier (generally speaking) at 47, and have more years ahead of you, than a much younger woman from a couple of generations ago. But in terms of your obstetric health, I think it's a no-no. You have 3 other children to think of and it's not worth the risk. In your shoes, I might consider surrogacy, though. I would have loved a fourth and didn't get the opportunity. I know everyone on MN is evangelical about environmental impact, but the planet needs more of the good guys, so unless you're planning to raise your kids as rampant industrialists I don't think you should be guilted out of having another on that basis. Equally, I don't think you should feel guilty about letting this one go, if on balance that's the right decision for you and your family.

Vulpine · 03/06/2019 17:48

Didn't Cherie blair have her last kid at 46?

PennyStocks · 03/06/2019 17:48

And I hate this blanket disapproval of older mothers/parents. There are so many ways to be a bad parent, and being older really doesn't compare to any of them.