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Original poster

Have a 4th at 47 or not?

335 replies

baby4ornot · 03/06/2019 16:19

I will be turning 46 this year and have been on the fence about conceiving a 4th child.
Back story, we had a difficult time getting pregnant due to my endometriosis. We finally had our first child via IVF at the age of 40. Then we had twins (boy&girl) at age of 42. I was wiped out after the twins and had a severe umbilical hernia which I was told by my dr that I needed to get fixed before I ended up in an emergency room. I opted to get full muscle repair with no mesh. I was 44. At the time I couldn't think of having a fourth. Now my oldest is about to start K, and the twins will start next year.
We have 1 embryo left in storage. I have this immense guilt about leaving it in storage and that I should attempt to go through and try having this baby. The embryo has already been tested (after initial MC with first 3 IVF, we had all the embryos go through PGD testing), so it should be free of chromosome defects which would lead to a MC (miscarriage) or birth defects. It would just be a matter of it surviving the thaw and implanting.

I go back and forth on if I can physically handle a 4th at 47 (assuming I start the process this year and give birth next year)? When I was pregnant with the twins at 41-42, my BP was a concern, now I will also have to factor a pregnancy with a sewn stomach. Also we would be going back to square 1 baby stage and infant daycare costs. My husband doesn’t want to give the embryo up for adoption but I don’t want to destroy it either. Hence my dilemma. Anyone w similar situation or thoughts?

OP posts:
OneForTheRoadThen · 03/06/2019 17:04

Vulpine I don't think it's okay for the dad to be old either - just because there are many older dads doesn't make it right.

Fundays12 · 03/06/2019 17:06

Due to the previous issues in your pregnancies I wouldnt. I am 38 and heavily pregnant with baby number 3 due to ongoing pregnancy complications which put both md and my baby at risk I won’t have anymore. My kids haves already had to deal with me being in and out of hospital which is very hard on them I won’t knowingly put them through it again.

ittakes2 · 03/06/2019 17:06

I can see where you are coming from. If you feel strongly about giving the embroy a chance of life - have you considered a surrogate? And just for the record - it might be genetically OK but does not mean it will survive the thaw or be OK for implantation. But it also still might be.

LazyFace · 03/06/2019 17:06

Why would you even consider this? I'm not even going to start going on about overpopulation but you'd be putting your health at risk, you'd be a very old mother, and there's a. massive chance of the baby not being healthy.
Just why?

Aridane · 03/06/2019 17:06

If you and DH passionately want another child and your doctor approves, then go for it. Otherwise don't, just don't and don't do it for guilt to the orphan embryo

ShiveringCoyote · 03/06/2019 17:08

I'm only a few years older than you but I (and many women of my age) feel so weary and honestly the energy I had in my 40s is long gone. You will have teens in your fifties and they take so much emotional energy. Enjoy the children you have.

omione · 03/06/2019 17:08

Why oh why would you even consider this ? You will be a pensioner by the time any child would be 18 ! As for feeling bad about the embryo ( it is not a baby) would flush their eggs away every month we dont keep getting pregnant because that egg could become a baby !

WarmthAndDepth · 03/06/2019 17:11

Oh. I do get your reticence to let the embryo go on an emotional level, but practically it seems like a huge ask of your body, and your family. What kind of conversations does one have with IVF doctors about this when deciding which embryos to use and which to leave, and what to do with them at the time of fertilisation? Is there counselling available to try to unpick these issues?

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 03/06/2019 17:11

No, no and thrice no

Rachelle11 · 03/06/2019 17:13

I wouldn't.

JoJoSM2 · 03/06/2019 17:14

I'm surprised at the outrage.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your sewn stomach to get a medical opinion? If doctors think your body can handle another pregnancy, then I'd go for it. It'd be a bit unusual, though, and people would probably think you're the grandparents.

KindnessCrusader · 03/06/2019 17:14

I have 4. I love being a Mum-it's all I ever wanted to be, I live my for these kids. But it is EXHAUSTING. Absolutely and relentlessly mentally and especially physically exhausting. I'm 34. I think you'd be crazy to consider it at 47.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 03/06/2019 17:15

I think you need to have some counselling and make your peace with having the embryo destroyed. I don’t want to get into a pro life debate, but it is currently just cells in a freezer, with the potential to become a baby.
Focus your energy on your current family and accept that this last one is not meant to be.

RomanyQueen · 03/06/2019 17:16

Personally, I think it's too risky and very selfish at this age.

KindnessCrusader · 03/06/2019 17:16

As if to prove my point the baby wouldn't leave the phone alone and put a random 'my' in there...Grin

Kaykay06 · 03/06/2019 17:17

I have 4 and I’m 40, eldest almost 18 and youngest 8 and the thought of having more now fills me with dread. I’m exhausted as it is without another baby and @ 47 my youngest will be 15 so definitely don’t want to be starting again.

Each to their own though, it’s your life but think of your health and the kids you have very carefully prior to making your final decision, I hope all goes well whatever you decide

Vilanelle · 03/06/2019 17:17

How is it selfish? To be brought into the world is a huge gift!

OP could live and be healthy until she is 100 for all we know!

On the other hand, the sewn stomach worries me. I would recommend seeing if you could donate it. Speak to your fertility counsellor.

Fillypants · 03/06/2019 17:18

My immediate reaction was "no"...si much riskier for you and if the worst happened, where does that leave your existing DC that you longed for? Think with your head this time OP, sometimes we have to sadly.. I've been there 💐

INeedAFlerken · 03/06/2019 17:19

Can you donate the embryo to scientific research if you are adamant you wouldn't want someone else to use it if you don't?

Notabedofroses · 03/06/2019 17:20

warmth is right, how do the IVF doctors prepare patients for the embryos left behind? There surely must be some proper support in place and a process, it must happen if not regularly, then often, to other people too.
You need support to come to terms with this aspect, rather than the not insignificant risk of another pregnancy.

I would love to say otherwise op, but really your health is more important than anything else.

ErrantTesselation · 03/06/2019 17:20

No, because of the health risks and also the environment tbh.

Vulpine · 03/06/2019 17:23

So if one got accidentally pregnant at 47 should it be aborted because it's so selfish and risky Hmm

lucymegan · 03/06/2019 17:23

Jesus I'm 35 next month and considering another but it has to be soon because I've sworn I will not have anymore kids after 35. I wouldn't dream of it at 47.
But it's upto you op. Your your own person and only you know if you want to do it or not.

Boysey45 · 03/06/2019 17:24

No I think 40 is old never mind 47. I'd be happy with the family you have and probably have the embryo destroyed if you don't want another couple to benefit from it.

BlueSkiesLies · 03/06/2019 17:25

No way. Why can’t you be happy with what you have?