'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

I can guarantee any mum with a ring on her finger has never been asked by a randomer in the playground if all her children have the same father.

I was. Ring on my finger. 10 year age gap between children. "Do they have the same father?" More than once.

worse is: "I am basically a single parent as dp is away... I will have to get my mum and dad to have the children while I do... "

when ex was at home I could not leave them with him as he was not capable. then there were the years that I supervised access. They were both difficult but different challenges. It is a lot easier now that sil has them for a weekend once a month and the children can go to their dad's unsupervised now that they are older.

@TheOrigFV45 people are so rude!

also makes a difference if you are the sole provider or whether the ex is providing financially.

Funniest thing I ever heard XCF mutter to himself was 'might as well be a single parent' because he'd chosen to take holiday when he wanted, rather than when I could, so picked DD1 up from school after her club and DD2 up from the childminder at 4pm for two days on the trot and I didn't sprint into the kitchen demanding that I took over from him at 6 (because he'd had a long day of walking the dog at 10-11.30am, switching the dishwasher on and making himself a sandwich) when I got in, but sat down to take my work shoes off first.

Being a single parent is a whole world different to having somebody there. it can be tons better, to be honest

I agree DaisyChains6 on the chores front. When married I did everything for the children - everything! I couldn’t even “bounce ideas” off him as he would just say “sure whatever you think” he didn’t care really, as it was beneath him to be invested in the trivialities of childcare.

Ironically he had wanted children more than I did? Used to harp on how it was the most important thing in the world and what life was all about. What he wanted them for remains a mystery, although if I were to guess it was to “feel like a man”/status/to tick a box. God he’s such a wanker!

I had one, post separation, tell me she felt uncomfortable with me on nights out around her husband.

Ah yes, the assumption that because you are a single mum, you're automatically a threat and will be trying to lure every man away from his wife or partner. I've had this sort of attitude from men too, that I must be desperate for attention and should be grateful for any attention they bestow on me whether it's wanted or not. Gets tiresome sometimes.

@shallowhals I feel your pain. My exh used to moan and say he did soooo much and I hardly did anything. Then ironically when I moved out he moaned at how busy he was and how much he now had to do. I said to him "but I thought I didn't do anything so there can't be anything extra for you to do..." 🙄 Twat.

@grumpy

Is that what it is?

For me its the social isolation as a lone parent is really difficult. I feel really excluded by other parents (couldn't work out why), but also by single people - I'm in my twenties and most of my friends vanished after I had a child.

Yanbu

It bugs me too.
I have been a single parent twice over.
Whilst it's possible to have a partner who is useless, or abusive, or whatever other awful things, it's still not the same.
That's a different thread though.
My kids and I now have someone who we can rely upon to be here. I know he will come home around X time of the day depending on his shifts. We know we have his wage coming in and that we can get food in. We know it's not just us (me and the girls) and that the got we choose to complete our family is here too and that he cares and tries his hardest even though he had never been a parent and has had two ready made kids foisted upon him.
I will never forget the loneliness, financial hardship and isolation of being a single parent. Because no one comes home to you after work, no one is there at the weekends to spend time playing ball with the kids. And you're the only disciplinarian.

@cardiBobo

I wouldn't say it's across the board, but it's definitely a thing I've encountered more than once. Someone I used to work with was convinced I had to be a 'newly single mum' because I wasn't 'like single mums are'. When I asked further she went a bit red and replied "You know, loose and not bothered with who"
A guy also ended our casual fwb because obviously I was just wanting to get myself pregnant and steal his house he worked so hard for. Countless locals in the pubs I've worked in, attached or not have cracked on to me, and a few told me how grateful I should be to get any interest.
That said, I realised a while ago that I was subconsciously avoiding my couple friends at weekends and bank holidays because I think I just didn't want to be a spare wheel in their family environment. And tbh I think most people drift apart from friends when they have kids, single or not, it just happens. I am a bit older than my friend group, and had DD first, she's now a teen and theirs are small and when she was small, they were still free and single, I think that happens anyway, regardless of relationship.

People keep mentioning being always the bad cop.
Aren't couples supposed to back eachother up? Parents shouldn't play good cop bad cop on the children.
I have no problems being the disciplinarian all the time because I'd expect, as a couple, to be disciplinarians together.

DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week

This is such nonsense. It basically means they are defining being a 'single parent' as simply being alone for a period of time with your dc. When I take my dc to the supermarket by myself, I don't consider myself to basically be a single parent for the duration of that trip. If my oh goes out for an evening, I don't consider myself a single parent during that time...how ridiculous.

@formerbabe
This is such nonsense. It basically means they are defining being a 'single parent' as simply being alone for a period of time with your dc. When I take my dc to the supermarket by myself, I don't consider myself to basically be a single parent for the duration of that trip. If my oh goes out for an evening, I don't consider myself a single parent during that time...how ridiculous
I'm sorry but I think you're analogies are really awful. The person who has a partner that's out of the house between 7am-6pm is parenting their child(ren) alone for potentially almost all of the child (ren)'s waking hours for five days a week. That is a completely different proposition to someone nipping out to the shops with their children alone.

It's ironic that on a thread started by the OP to suggest that people were trivialising how difficult it can be to be a single parent that posters have sought to trivialise other parent's situations.

I think an undertone of such messages is that they are in fact deeply unhappy with their partner, e.g. have to take care of his needs and wants as well as the children.
I am a single parent to two small children (pretty much from the moment the youngest was born), and single parenting for me is actually easier than "single" parenting PLUS top toeing around ex, being constantly undermined and berated for not earning money (I took a three months maternity leave and he went ballistic). Maybe my view is skewed with the personal experience, but I can totally sympathise.

I'm sorry but I think you're analogies are really awful. The person who has a partner that's out of the house between 7am-6pm is parenting their child(ren) alone for potentially almost all of the child (ren)'s waking hours for five days a week

But they're not a single parent, they are merely alone with their dc for a period of time. My partner leaves the house at 6.30am and gets home just before 6pm. I don't think I'm basically a single parent during that time. He's at work ffs. It's hardly an unusual situation. I don't know any families where both parents are physically present 24/7 and not at work at some point.

Absolutely - every situation is different. You could be in a lonely unhappy marriage where you do every thing alone or you could be a single parent who has lots of support and is happy. Having been both there are most definitely pros and cons to each and would not have been remotely offended if a married wman compared her life to mine.

Yanbu. My fiancé is brilliant with our baby but works long hours and can be gone for days at a time. Sometimes he also works night shifts. We have a nearly 10 month old ds and I have no other family around to help.

Would I ever use the single parenting line that you've mentioned? Never! I have too much respect for my mil-to-be - she really was a single parent and did the most wonderful job with my fiancé and his 3 brothers! Babies are amazing but hard and I take my hat off to single parents!

It's ironic that on a thread started by the OP to suggest that people were trivialising how difficult it can be to be a single parent that posters have sought to trivialise other parent's situations

I don't think anyone has trivialised anyone's situation across the thread. It is a simple ask that if you are stressed about being on your own for 8 hours a day that you express it as such rather than say 'I'm the same as a single parent' because it's not the same. It's about owning your own situation - I am stressed because I spend long hours alone with the baby and that's hard, I am stressed because as well as being alone for 10 hours a day, my husband comes in and ignores me, I am stressed because I have to ask for money and he sometimes refuses, I am stressed because he called me names....

DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week

This is such nonsense.

Well... Yes. Because it was said by nobody.

Absolutely @silvercuckoo

@CanILeavenowplease well put! And what I had been trying to say!

Why does it need to be s competition though as to who has it hardest? Even if you are as single mum, there are those who wouid have it much “harder” than others - eg. are you a single mum to one 12 year old, or to 4 DC under the age of 12? How involved is your ex? Is a woman with no maintenance considered more of a “single” mum than one whose ex still pretty much funds the DC?
I don’t think anyone needs to take offence at someone else who is probably just having a moan really. It’s fairly obvious what they mean.

- I am stressed because I spend long hours alone with the baby and that's hard, I am stressed because as well as being alone for 10 hours a day, my husband comes in and ignores me, I am stressed because I have to ask for money and he sometimes refuses, I am stressed because he called me names....

I agree. But that’s a conversation for good friends over a long coffee. In a social situation- playground chat or social media as in o/p, and you want to empathise with someone it’s easier to sum up by saying “i feel like a single parent”, especially if you don’t want to go into detail about your abusive marriage and absent husband that you wish would disappear so your life would be less stressful.

Some people trotting out this phrase may have it harder than a single parent. Some single parents may have it easier. Which renders the phrase meaningless anyway- so treat it as such. Either the person saying it is a self absorbed twat, in which case nod politely and move on, or they really are having a shit time in which case they shouldn’t be judged.

This topic pops up here quite a bit. I don’t really see the difference between someone empathising by comparing situations and the “all single parents have it worse and no one with a partner can possibly know how we feel”.