'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

why would being a single parent be the bottom?

This. This assumption drives me insane. Because no matter what a single parent does, she will always be bottom on the misery heap as far as everyone else is concerned. Single male parent = top of the heap for ‘stepping up’, single female parent = ‘benefit scrounging, miserable scum’. This is why women stay with the men children and the abusers. Because the ring on their finger gives them social status and makes them ‘better’. Single mum goes out to work, she’s neglecting her kids. Single mum doesn’t work, she’s a lazy, greedy bitch. Married mum goes out to work, she has a career. Married mum doesn’t work she’s doing the best for her children, a home- maker, respected. The political rhetoric talks about ‘working families’ as aspirational but makes single mum the root of all society’s problems. I mean, seriously, how fucking dare you try and say that my children and I are not a family?

I can guarantee any mum with a ring on her finger has never been asked by a randomer in the playground if all her children have the same father. My children are the same child at different heights but I am asked that several times a year. No one talks about married mum in loud whispers or speculated on how someone like her can afford that (new car, new house, holiday, manicure, haircut, cheap pair of shoes from Tesco - they’re not fussy, they’ll pick at anything). No one says ‘have a great holiday!’, only ‘I suppose the benefits pay for that’ or other such nonsense. There is so much anger, annoyance, even jealousy. I’m not allowed to be happy, to be doing OK, to be managing. I have to be miserable or it throws everyone else into overdrive!

Single parenting is not bad. Or worse. Or the bottom. It’s OK. It’s easier for some more than others, just like two-parent parenting is hard for some and easier for others. I am NOT, under any circumstances, at the bottom.

I think the worst thing about being a single parent is when one of the children are ill. There's no one to share the worry. Sure, relatives and friends can offer words of comfort but in the middle of the night, the emotional burden is completely on you and it's absolutely the loneliest and shittiest place in the world.

Single parents aren't at the bottom. It's an expression; people trying to trump each other on who has the hardest life = a race to the bottom.

It's quite a common phrase used in all sorts of situations, not just parenting.

Yes they are married with shit husbands/partners and the point is they are doing just as many chores and taking care of their dc just as singular as a parent without a live in partner.
But the point is they are still not single parents, they must get something out of the relationship, be it the wage they bring in, or filling a space on the sofa.

It’s all so negative as well, the equating of downtrodden miserable women to single parents.

Maybe they do get something out of the relationship, maybe they are happy. But they are still doing all the childcare, bits for the dc and the household chores/life admin. That's the point and that's what the OP listed in her op where she made it sound like those things are only exclusive to single parents.

For me I can't think of anything worse than being at the end of your tether having done everything for the dc and house then in walks a moody tired dp at the end of it all...

she made it sound like those things are only exclusive to single parents

No, she asked that someone who isn’t a single parent doesn’t compare their life to hers like their lives are equal. That’s the point. Say you have a shit husband or you struggle being alone from 6am to 9pm or you are worried about how to pay the rent this month.,,don’t say ‘I’m living the life of a single parent’ when what you mean is all the rest of it. If single parents don’t have a monopoly on having a hard life, surely it’s not too much to ask others to at least acknowledge being a single parent is for single parents?!!

@Canileavenowplease I've never experienced any of that kind of judgement, at least not to my face. I can't say other parents I don't know have even taken any notice of me in the park let alone asking if my dc have the same dad

I get comments about looking young though. I'm a woman in my 30s who had dc in my early to mid 20s yet I get comments such as "you don't look old enough to have dc that age" disguised as a compliment. Saying in a condescending tone that i look like I was a child when I had my dc isn't a compliment.

I posted about this a few months ago and a lot of people jumped in to say I was wrong but I completely agree with you. I think it comes down to the fact that people who aren't lone parents don't know what it's like, which means they probably shouldn't say it! it doesn't mean their experience is easier but it is different. I have a 15 mo too and am a LP. YANBU!

The op shouldn't be comparing her life to any parents situation, single, married or otherwise because every situation is different. Some single parents could be living a much easier life than the op, some could have it harder and same applies to married people.

Parenting is hard whatever your circumstances and that's the bottom line.

Tbh the only people who should be at the 'bottom' are the ones shirking their parenting responsibility, not the ones picking up the pieces be it totally alone, with support or within a relationship.

I imagine the phrase "acting as a single parent" said by some people with partners isn't to offend single parents, it's to express that despite having s partner they are parenting "singularly" during those 5 days with no help.

As a single parent the phrase doesn't offend me.

she made it sound like those things are only exclusive to single parents no the op asked that someone who isn’t a single parent to not claim to feel like a single parent.
Being over worked and undervalued isn’t exclusive to being a single parent and many single parents don’t feel like that, but don’t claim to know what it feels like to be a single parent unless you are or have been one.

Some do know what it's like to parent singularly because many women are, despite being in a relationship.

How many women out there would carry on their same daily routines if their dp moved out?

How many women out there would carry on their same daily routines if their dp moved out?

It's not just about the daily routines, it's about not having someone to talk things through with, no one to offer support or just sympathy, no one to share the burden of general "stuff".

Plus the op assumes that all men come home and give their wives a break or come home and cook the dinner and take over the parenting. Ha. She assumes men are at the end of the phone if their wife wants to have a chat during the day and she assumes they look after the dc when you're ill. It's naive at best and bloody ignorant at worst.

@soupdragon that's of they have dps who offer support and sympathy...

I became a single mum when ds was 8 months old and yes it's been bloody hard but I think I found it emotionally harder having an unsupportive partner! I was like a single mum from the start! I did everything and I think it emotionally drained me having a man child to look after too! I think I'm much less stressed and less anxious being on my own!

I'll give you that I did make those assumptions in my OP. Reflecting on this, it's probably because I was motivated to post this thread on the back of 1 particular post I had been reading on Facebook and in that particular instance they did have a supportive DH. But I do appreciate that that doesn't apply to every situation.

My mum always said that too. She raised us on her own and always said she actually preferred that our dad wasn't around because she could get on and raise us without him "putting his two pence worth in." He is a dick head so I get where she was coming from.

I used to use that phrase, XH worked long hours and was out of house 7am -9pm daily and often travelled abroad. I was at home first with DS and then once he was a toddler there were twins too... XH worked hard and provided well financially... I did absolutely everything else... including booking his travel and doing his taxes and expenses....

Roll on several years and a couple of bouts of him working and living in another city 5 days a week and still travelling abroad- often at weekends - and we are divorced....so I still do everything (to be fair to him he still provides well for his kids). Life as a single mum is actually easier for me, I have less to do and more freedom to do it....But my kids are much older now.

That said, I fully appreciate it is not the same as actually being a single Mum, particularly with small children and do agree that the phrase I once used is somewhat insensitive. Although my ex was almost never around, at least I felt I was still part of a parenting team to some degree...

I think many of those who feel they are like single parents will officially be one in future and many won't find it harder than they did before. People with supportive partners usually recognise that it is easier.

he makes me feel like he's doing me a favour if he has our child

Yup KAT that’s because to him he IS doing you a favor because he thinks it’s “women’s work”. Even reading your post gives me the rage! Lazy bastards should be so ashamed of themselves but they aren’t because they’re so fucking entitled. Sorry you’re in that position too, it’s just awful. Hope you’re able to get rid of him some day

I can guarantee any mum with a ring on her finger has never been asked by a randomer in the playground if all her children have the same father.

I don't wear a ring on my finger and I have a different surname to my children but no randomer has ever asked me that question. Seems odd that you area asked several times a year.

I can guarantee any mum with a ring on her finger has never been asked by a randomer in the playground if all her children have the same father

I had one, post separation, tell me she felt uncomfortable with me on nights out around her husband.