'I'm basically a single parent in the week'

[sittingonacornflake]

I'm a lone parent of a 15mo and I'm in quite a lot of different Facebook support groups for little ones such as gentle parenting, breastfeeding, travel groups, Food related ones all sorts.

Something I see quite a lot which drives me mad is people posting a query or asking for advice and add in the caveat 'I'm basically a single parent in the week'. Usually because their DH works long hours out of the house. The most recent example of this was someone saying that their DH was out of the house working Monday - Friday 7am -6pm so they were basically a single parent during the week.

I don't comment but AIBU to think this is just SO insensitive and couldn't be further from the truth.

You have a husband. Your child's father comes home every day. If your child is ill and you can't even have chance to make yourself a meal during the day it's ok because your husband will come home and can take over cuddling or whatever so you can get some food and a shower. If you're at the absolute end of your tether with exhaustion and just want 5 minutes to yourself you just have to wait for your husband to come home and you can do this!

Being on your own during the day with kids is exhausting and had work I'm not taking that away from anyone but it's simply nothing at all like being on your own ALL. THE. TIME.

Every single thing is on you - keeping the house clean, laundry done, food in their bellies, stimulating activities, love, everything. There is simply no comparison to someone doing this 24/7 and someone who parents on their own during the day 5 days a week.

I probably am BU. Now I'm typing this out. But a few nights of teething and hardly any sleep i just want to pull my hair out with tiredness and reading these posts just grinds my gears!

Rant over. Be gentle with me. I know I'm BU really. I've got it easier than most (despite that rant making it sound otherwise).

From randomers who don't know the ins and outs of my life I just let it go. For friends who know what I've been through and what a lot I have on my plate day to day, I do find it thoughtless of them to complain when their partners are away so they can't do x, y or z, knowing that if I want to do x, y or z (and some of these are actually with them) then I have to get sitters. Every Single Time

That's a very good point.

I was a single parent for 5 years working two jobs and doing a professional qualification.
I am now with a new partner who works abroad ever other week.
Here are the reasons it is not the same.

*When you are a single parent you are 100% financially responsible for everything. When your partner is away a lot they are still sharing the financial burden.

• When you are a single parent it is terribly lonely and isolating, when you have a partner you have a teammate when they are there...you can call and speak to them when they are not.

*When you are a single parent the entire responsibility of all decisions is on you, what school they attend, whether you should vacinate, baptise, how to wean, how to displine. Even if your partner is away you have someone to discuss and talk this through.

*Single parents get no down time...even if you can get a sitter it isn't the same mental respite you get when the other parent is in charge.

*when you are a single parent-if something happens to you what happens to the care of your child?- If you have a partner it is a shared responsibility and a fear that doesn't keep you awake constantly.

I could give a hundred more examples. It is just not the same.

I wouldn't take it too personally . It is usually something expressed from a position of ignorance, no malice, we just all like a good moan when we are struggling.

I’m a lone parent (as in there is no other parent), I until recently worked with a lady who called herself a single parent as her husband worked away, she almost contantly moaned how hard it was working two days a week as a ‘single’ parent. She had a cleaner, nanny and gardener!

So by most people’s descriptions on here, if you are divorced / separated and the ex does his share of financial / emotional / physical labour then you cannot be described as a lone or single parent?

It's not just single vs week days without a partner, it's also in relation to family members. I wasn't just a single mum with an ex who did as little as possible but also had no family help at all due to having moved miles away from them.

I also got annoyed with single parents who moaned how they had to do it all on their own, but then just called their mum if they were ill, wanted a night out or just a couple of sleepless nights.

In the end, there is almost always worse off than us. I'm sure there are mothers who are single, with little family help and disabled and who would have rolled their eyes hearing me moan because I had no idea what it was like to raise a child alone with a disability.

So by most people’s descriptions on here, if you are divorced / separated and the ex does his share of financial / emotional / physical labour then you cannot be described as a lone or single parent?

A single parent = one who lives alone with no spouse/partner. Still apt description when ex pays maintenance/has contact.

Lone parent = a parent with no other parent involved.

@whothedaddy every one of your points in your post I experienced when I was married. From choosing and worrying about schools to having no downtime.

I'm far better now as a single parent as I actually get some downtime and oddly have more money.

*A single parent = one who lives alone with no spouse/partner. Still apt description when ex pays maintenance/has contact.

Lone parent = a parent with no other parent involved.*

Thank you. In which case there are a lot of people making assumptions about what being a single person entails. It’s not a one size fits all description.

Bold fail

I have a good friend who has 3 kids and lives with her partner but I would definitely describe her as a single mum, 7 days a week.

She does everything for those children; she did every single nappy change and night feed. Has made all the decisions about schools, finances, how to solve the various stages of parenting, taken them to every club, class and swim lesson. Does the school runs, disciplines them, does all the shopping, cooking and feeding as well as bed times and bath times. She doesn't drive either!

Her dp is so deadbeat, has worked on and off for years but if he is home he spends it in a room away from the kids. I've been there before and he just comes out to shout they are too noisy then sods off back in the room.

If my friend every asks him to look after the kids he won't take them out if it involves packing a bag 🙄

I do question to myself why she doesn't just kick him out, I mean she would actually be financially better off as a "proper" single parent but she hasn't.

It's when I hear her say she would love to watch certain programmes on the tv once the kids are in bed but "he" doesn't like that program....

I think lone parent is just a better description for a single mum - I hate that phrase as it implies your relationship status.

I'm a lone parent - no other parent - but consider my situation better than those who have a husband acting as an extra child.

I was a single parent for 4 years, although ex was so supportive it was me at the end of the day that was responsible for everything.
Having now got back together he always says it's me that keeps everyone together and the family ticking over.
He's now working away most weeks.
Although it'll be harder on me he's still at the end of the phone, he's still on our lives for anything and he comes home at weekends.
I'm not like a single mum now at all.
Some of these people who make these comments have actually no idea how tough being a single parent is

Some of these people who make these comments have actually no idea how tough being a single parent is

Or rather how tough it can be for SOME. I hated the stigma around being a single parent as the, ‘poor, struggling, in need’ label felt very stigmatising and I felt it didn’t apply to me.

I'm a lone parent - no other parent - but consider my situation better than those who have a husband acting as an extra child.

Aye. There is nothing worse than having a man child who does fuck all while you’re doing everything. At least a lone parent doesn’t have a man child on top of everything else.

I don’t think having a man around is necessarily a good thing or makes a woman better off than a woman who is a lone parent! It doesn’t take a genius to work out that having a selfish lazy man child living with you means you’re no better off than a woman who is a lone parent!

Yes and people saying things like "as a single parent I have to do all of the washing, cooking, cleaning etc and all school runs, all decisions about dc, all clubs and activities plus bath and bed times." Well so do thousands of married/partnered women because they have disinterested/old fashioned/deadbeats/lazy/"too busy" (delete as appropriate) husband's/partners.

I remember if I went out (rarely) when married he would moan and I still had to get up with the dc in the morning. Sometimes it just wasn't worth it. I actually started a drinking problem towards the end of my marriage to able to bare him in the evenings and his moaning.

I'm definitely much happier as a single parent now! I always say no matter how hard it is sometimes, I don't have to live with him so I'm ok! 😁

Yes and people saying things like "as a single parent I have to do all of the washing, cooking, cleaning etc and all school runs, all decisions about dc, all clubs and activities plus bath and bed times." Well so do thousands of married/partnered women because they have disinterested/old fashioned/deadbeats/lazy/"too busy" (delete as appropriate) husband's/partners.

But they are welcome to leave their partners, singles parents, particularly single mums don’t often get postitive things said about them, so when we do why do we have to share it with part time single parents.

It's not about sharing titles and it's not a race to the bottom. It's just a fact that some mothers with partners do just as much for their homes and dc without their partners help as much as single parents.

I'm a single parent but I can totally accept the above is true.

Yes they are welcome to leave their partners and plenty of people have wondered why they don't, but for them they have their reasons?

and it's not a race to the bottom

Come on, as a single parent you should know we’ve already won that race and got the medal

“No ones difficulties trump anyone else’s”

Yeah that’s bullshit

It's not about sharing titles and it's not a race to the bottom.

why would being a single parent be the bottom?

Yes they are welcome to leave their partners and plenty of people have wondered why they don't, but for them they have their reasons? of course they have their reasons, just like i did when I didn’t leave, it took me far to many years, but that doesn’t make them single parents.

That makes them parents with a shit husband/partner.

I think there is a vulnerability you feel as a single parent - financial, physical, emotional - it is lonely and exhausting. I never felt the same exposure even when I had an abusive and deadbeat partner.

I read on here once : ‘I am the good cop, the bad cop and the cop who cooks the dinner’....it is always and only ever you - day in and day out, week in and week out earning, caring, providing.

Many of my friends who say they ‘feel like a single parent’ are really saying ‘I feel alone in my relationship and I’m not receiving enough support/acknowledgment from my partner’.

Note: I have never heard a man say they feel like a single parent.

It's not and that's not what I said.

Yes they are married with shit husbands/partners and the point is they are doing just as many chores and taking care of their dc just as singular as a parent without a live in partner.

For me personally being a single parent is much much easier than being married. I used to have a man child husband, a hyper active dog and a small baby to look after as well as an overbearing mil nearby.

I’m separated and now I just have a baby and myself to look after. I live near my mum and sister who help me loads. Every day feels like a holiday!!

I agree with the posters above sometimes being a parent in a shit relationship is harder than going it alone.

I actually think family help is the factor that makes the biggest difference in how easy / hard life with small children is rather than if you’re in a relationship or not.

I love it personally and over the years have made sure I know how to do little things for myself so I don't have to wait for a man to do it such as checking and putting oil in the car for instance or checking the tyre pressure. I love that I can decorate how I want and if I want to spend all afternoon in the gardening I can or if I want a bag of crisps and wine for tea I can without having to answer to anyone. Or if I can't be arsed and take the kids spontaneously to McDonald's I don't have to listen to a moaning dh who wants a cooked meal.

I love the spontaneous nature about being a single parent the most.