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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner driving without licence, what do I do?

144 replies

Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 08:48

Want to say its a moral dilemma but its not as its illegal but I still find myself hesitating which I know is so wrong on all levels.
He lost his license 2 years ago for undue care & attention & leaving scene of accident (was over DD limit but not caught until later) hasn't bothered to reapply for license as it involves a medical & I think he was scared of any possible problems as he's a heavy drinker (has previous for DD & DUI).
I guess I'm worried he will think its me thats dropped him in it though god knows why as our relationship is a mess right now but this is all the more reason for him to suspect its me. We have tried all the alcohol support groups & detox but he never sticks at it & I've had enough now & he knows that.
He will undoubtedly get a sentence for this as narrowly escaped prison last time due to previous & the nature of the accident. He's been gone since yesterday afternoon in our camper van (went to buy booze whilst I was out & never returned)

I'm seriously considering making that call as I'm on edge all the time in case he causes another accident or worse.Feeling nervous, anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:

TheRedBarrows · 03/06/2019 21:53

How do you mean you thought you were finally free? How has this incident changed that?

How old are your Dds? Does he drive with them in the car?

Isatis · 03/06/2019 22:11

I'd suggest you enter a formal complaint about the way the police mishandled this, particularly telling him you reported him when they had specifically agreed not to.

It may be worth pointing out that if he has a serious accident as a result of their inaction, you will let any investigators know that it could have been averted.

TriciaH87 · 03/06/2019 22:29

Better you drop him in it than go down when he next drives drunk and kills someone. If they don't do you for it think of living with the guilt. Or what if it's you or your child his driving about and kills or hits with his car. He should be locked up.

TriciaH87 · 03/06/2019 22:34

I suggest you tip off the police of the reg so when they seethe car in passing they can do a random check. I'm guessing no licence means no tax or insurance as without a licence insurance is not valid. Without that cannot be taxed. If the car is in your name take the sodding keys before you get done for letting him drive it. If it's not report and ask they pull him over at random. Even if his soberthey will get him for driving without a license

Original poster

Kmb4444 · 04/06/2019 07:54

My DD’s are 14 & 18 - no they don’t travel in the car with him. This incident whereby he wasn’t caught & now knows it was me has resulted in him back home & very annoyed that I could do such a thing as ring the Police! He seems totally oblivious to all the facts, possible RTA & also that I could have been implicated - resulting in prosecution for me too if I knowingly said nothing whilst he was in my vehicle. Only hearing what he wants to hear etc.
I am considering a formal complaint as for 2 call handlers not clearly record my anonymity is ludicrous.
The police have both vehicle reg no’s & have ‘marked’ both cars in the area. I need him to leave but he’s showing no signs of going anywhere.

OP posts:

TheRedBarrows · 04/06/2019 08:35

What is your living circumstance? Is his name on the tenancy / mortgage?

Is the 18 yo in the middle of A levels? Can you wait and keep things calm til the exams are done and then move house (sell or give up tenancy) if he won’t go?

PurpleWithRed · 04/06/2019 08:40

I know you’ve got a lot of other concerns right now but you might want to consider a formal complaint to the police — you gave them information anonymously and they broke your anonymity for no good reason.

If he drives again call the police again, rinse and repeat.

WellThisIsShit · 04/06/2019 15:49

You seem to have inextricably linked him getting caught and charged for drink driving, and you being able to split up with him?

I think although it would have been handy to piggy back the one with the other, but now you’ve got them all muddled up and just because the police have bungled it this time, you are NOT trapped in a relationship with this man.

Separate the two events in your mind, & get some strength back. You don’t need the proof of the drink driving to get him out.

He’s not capable of being in a relationship now, whatever the man you fell in love with years ago. It’s very sad but it’s entirely down to him, and you need to protect yourself and your children by refusing to be with this selfish addict any more.

Sounds like the other adults in the wider family are happy to land you with the problem and flutter around the edges enabling him and propping up a dead relationship where you bear all the pain. I hate weak and selfish people like this, can’t you tell?!

Would it help to call that helpline for families of alcoholics/ addicts? I’ve heard good things about them on here ...

Original poster

Kmb4444 · 04/06/2019 16:25

The tenancy is in my name, we own another house outright which we rent out. He’s panicking as I’m his salvation, his enabler & on his own he drinks more & will probably not succeed in quitting but that’s his problem now. The police are obtaining the recording of the calls & calling me back tomorrow following my complaint today. We are trying to sort out what he can have financially as I have the business which he too has worked in since loosing his licence & had enjoyment of the income. I cannot give him any of that but he’s pushing for all he can. DD’s want to move in with GP’s if he doesn’t go soon. They are away for a month soon so last resort we move there & leave him here to wallow in his misery.

OP posts:

TheRedBarrows · 04/06/2019 22:13

This is so bad that your Dds want to leave to get away from him?

This makes no sense OP.

Don’t wait for last resort.

How long is the tenancy in your owned house? Can you go there and pay him half the rental value? So that he has half the rental on your current house and pays the other half?

Original poster

Kmb4444 · 04/06/2019 23:50

Yes they & I have had a gut full of him. He’s a manipulating, gaslighting tyrant. Whom I’ve been foolish enough to be convinced by too many times, slight changes are made enough to convince me but it’s not long before it’s gone wrong. Ok people can criticise me for not doing this or that but as many will know it’s harder when you’re in it & working within our business relying on each other etc has made it trickier. But I’m there now & ready to end this toxic relationship. Owned house is 200 miles away so that won’t work, he’s agreed to a cash sum to live off plus a vehicle (when he gets his license) in the meantime I’m working on him going to his mums though he would rather reside in camper van on land attached to our house. Tbh that’s not far enough away for my liking,

OP posts:

Original poster

Kmb4444 · 04/06/2019 23:57

Myself & DD’s are away this weekend so I would put money on him driving to the shop but our police are apparently unable to sit him out in order to catch him. This seems so ridiculous to me when they’ve been informed & I can probably give them a specific 2-3 hour timescale. As another person said, if an RTA happens it’s a bit late when I’ve already tried to tell them that he will drive at some point. These little chats they have with him make no difference to a someone like him. If an alcoholic needs a drink they’ll do whatever it takes.
Rant over!

OP posts:

Grumpelstilskin · 05/06/2019 00:51

Take out and lock away the battery of the vehicle he took the spare keys for. Buy new locks for your house (you can normally get the new barrel bit that can be changed over easily – watch YouTube tutorials on how to do it) and as soon as he is out of the house, change the locks. He will have to find a cheap B&B. Feck it, it's warm enough to sleep outside. None of this is any of your problem.

Mrskeats · 05/06/2019 01:05

You seem to be focussing a lot of anger at the police (who obvs should not have broken confidentiality)
However your anger should be towards the man who acts this way and is damaging your relationship with your children. Just get rid of him.

Happynow001 · 05/06/2019 08:00

Myself & DD’s are away this weekend so I would put money on him driving to the shop but our police are apparently unable to sit him out in order to catch him.
If it's not possible to get the spare vehicle keys back from him could you purchase a wheel clamp or steering wheel lock for the vehicle he has keys for? Installing either, and physically securing the vehicle makes it irrelevant whether he's got keys to the vehicle or not? I've just taken a quick look on Amazon and there are several types -especially the steering wheel locks.

DD’s want to move in with GP’s if he doesn’t go soon. and
Yes they & I have had a gut full of him. He’s a manipulating, gaslighting tyrant.

This ^^. If the tenancy of your home is in your name would you consider changing the locks before you go away (and advise the landlord why) so he's forced to make other arrangements? I see that him being in the camper van is it ideal but it's the first step to easing him out of your lives, surely?

You are in a tough position whatever you do. I hope you and your children manage to get this alcoholic abuser out of your lives as far as possible. You cannot fix him and he is just sucking you all dry of anything happy in your lives.

Strength to you and your children OP. 🌹

Desmondo2016 · 05/06/2019 09:04

Do you have any idea about the dire state of policing? I'm gobsmacked you think they should sit up for 2-3 hours waiting for him. Wake up!!

Why can't you take all the keys.

Gth1234 · 05/06/2019 09:44

I am not sure how you stand legally if you are not married - but if he has an accident driving your (the) car without a licence, he will be uninsured, and he (but maybe you) will be personally liable for any costs, as well as repairing the car.

I don't know how your partnership assets would be split, if it came to it - but you do need to get it sorted. If he won't see sense, you need to see sense for him, and yourself, I think.

Good luck

stucknoue · 05/06/2019 10:15

Can you not put steering wheel locks on the vehicles? Under no circumstances should he be driving if he's unable to control his alcohol addiction, someone could be killed and you as the cars owner could be considered culpable if you didn't take steps to prevent him stealing your car.

HundredMilesAnHour · 05/06/2019 14:58

I would put money on him driving to the shop but our police are apparently unable to sit him out in order to catch him. This seems so ridiculous to me when they’ve been informed & I can probably give them a specific 2-3 hour timescale.

Are you serious OP? You expect the police to spend 2-3 hours sitting in wait for him because you haven't taken your spare keys from him. Do you realise how ridiculous that sounds?! Talk about wasting police time. Are you aware how over-stretched the police are? Honestly, give your head a wobble.

Get your landlord to agree to you changing the locks and get it done before you go away. If you can't get your spare keys off him, make sure you put a steering wheel log - or even a wheel clamp - on to stop him using your vehicle. If nothing else, this will be evidence that you have tried to prevent him driving. Right now given that he has your spare keys, you could easily be liable if/when he has an accident as it looks like he has your permission (and I'm sure he'll says he does have it).

And don't even consider the camper van outside your home bullshit. He's not on the lease. You don't want him living with you so he needs to get off the property. Stop pandering to this man. He is damaging you and he's damaging your children.

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