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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner driving without licence, what do I do?

144 replies

Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 08:48

Want to say its a moral dilemma but its not as its illegal but I still find myself hesitating which I know is so wrong on all levels.
He lost his license 2 years ago for undue care & attention & leaving scene of accident (was over DD limit but not caught until later) hasn't bothered to reapply for license as it involves a medical & I think he was scared of any possible problems as he's a heavy drinker (has previous for DD & DUI).
I guess I'm worried he will think its me thats dropped him in it though god knows why as our relationship is a mess right now but this is all the more reason for him to suspect its me. We have tried all the alcohol support groups & detox but he never sticks at it & I've had enough now & he knows that.
He will undoubtedly get a sentence for this as narrowly escaped prison last time due to previous & the nature of the accident. He's been gone since yesterday afternoon in our camper van (went to buy booze whilst I was out & never returned)

I'm seriously considering making that call as I'm on edge all the time in case he causes another accident or worse.Feeling nervous, anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 03/06/2019 17:24

Well done Op.

I loathe and despise drink drivers, they are so selfish and just don't care about anyone else. A (distant) family member was killed by a DD (they were a pedestrian killed when the DD lost control and veered onto the pavement) and the devastation it caused the family and the legacy left behind ... all because some self absorbed lazy stupid bastard doesn't care about others safety and can't be arsed to pay for a taxi home. Scum. Absolute scum.

Please leave him in his puddle of selfpity and ridiculous justifications.

Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 17:37

I saw him parked up on the way to work so reported his location, again stressing that I wished to remain anonymous & told them that he would probably attempt to come home once he knew I'd gone to work (start same time each day) they said they can't sit & wait for him but could have a chat with him. I put the phone down & thought great he'll talk his way out of this & he has.
They rang me few hours later to say they have no proof he drove & although the vehicle is in my name he says we jointly purchased it which is true (so its the age old thing of just because you're on the V5 you're not necessarily the owner). Anyway upshot is he wished to remain in the van in the hotel car park & police brought me the keys. They also told him that I had made the call reporting the vehicle gone etc, I expressed my sheer annoyance very strongly, being concerned about the repercussions from him hence the anonymous calls through 101. Call handler asked my name in case they needed to get back to me & again i said please don't mention me in any of this. So I feel let down by them over this. His mother has just rung me to say he's called her & for her to ask me to collect him! What a bloody mess

OP posts:
weemouse · 03/06/2019 17:43

OP do not collect him.

You will just be enabling him again, let him find his own way home, he is an adult.

You need to make it clear this is a deal breaker and make sure he no longer has access to your keys. No more excuses.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2019 17:46

Jesus that's a terrible way for the police to handle it. To break your confidentially like that. What would have happened if he was violent and came home and assaulted you for it.

I'd put in a complaint about the polIce for that. Not for your sake but for the next woman whose partner is violent and beats the shit out of her forit.

It doesn't surprise me. My daughter watched someone break into her neighbours car and she called the police whilst it was happening and was told thanks but we would need to wait for the owner to report it so can't help. They'd taken a crow bar to it to.

You did the right thing here, the police did not. But uou need to make some decisions about your partner and your future. One days he is going to kill himself and very possibly someone else.

MLMsuperfan · 03/06/2019 18:04

So angry the police broke your confidentiality like that.

TheRedBarrows · 03/06/2019 18:17
Shock

Ah well, perhaps his Mum can collect him.

Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 18:19

Yes me too & that’s from talking to 2 different call handlers & reiterating it clearly. Policewoman who approached him said it wasn’t anywhere on the notes & apologises profusely, but it hasn’t done me any favours. The hotel who’s car park he is in has tried ringing me, luckily I recognised the number & didn’t answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 18:21

No his Mum doesn’t want him either.

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 03/06/2019 18:23

One issue is that he has no insurance either, so if he has a serious accident, he will be personally liable, and probably made bankrupt, which will impinge on you/your house/family. Even if you have insurance, it will not be valid.

I would tell him to sort himself out, or you will have to report him.

Just don't go in the car with him.

Gth1234 · 03/06/2019 18:26

Re my last - obviously things have already changed.

So the police haven't bothered about his offences - lucky man - - go and pick him up, and tell him he is no longer authorised to drive the car. etc - and make him see sense. I presume you can drive, and are insured. There's no harm done so far - hopefully it stays that way and you can repair your relationship.

Good luck

Gth1234 · 03/06/2019 18:29

I just wouldn't bother about him knowing you reported him. There's bigger issues you are trying to fix.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 03/06/2019 18:30

I reported my ex for drink driving. He lost his license for a year. I filed for divorce. He found out it was me in court (dc arrangements). Didn't do his denying anger issues any good in the judge's eyes...
You need to ignore his calls etc op. Do not take him back.

GreigLaidlawsbarofsoap · 03/06/2019 18:35

There's no harm done so far - hopefully it stays that way and you can repair your relationship.

Why in the name of all fuck SHOULD she stay with someone with such low moral values? Who doesn't care if he kills, maims or injures completely innocent people? She needs to get rid of this prick, not repair a relationship with him.

SavingSpaces2019 · 03/06/2019 18:37

he can get a taxi back. don't pick him up.
Is his name anywhere on the V5 or your car papers?
If not then he doesn't really have a leg to stand on re 'joint purchase' without the proper proof from his bank/account.
Can you buy him out of his 'share'?
If not then i'd sell the car and buy one completely for yourself.

If there are any repercussions from him you just call the police on him asap and have him removed from your home.

bluejelly · 03/06/2019 18:37

Well done OP you did the right thing. Now cut ties with him altogether. You can't fix an alcoholic, they have to fix themselves. Your priority is not to get dragged down with him.

TheRedBarrows · 03/06/2019 19:48

Since he now knows you reported him, own it with pride.

Say yes you bloody well did because he drove off illegally, and you are not prepared to have it in your conscience. And you will report him again if he does it again, and if he gets nasty and threatens you you will report that, too.

OP, I was in the same situation once, a LTR with someone I had an amazing relationship with. Passion, soul mates, he inspired some of my greatest professional work. But he had issues. I gave him leeway and understanding, and the leeway got stretched and stretched, alchohol, cocaine, dealers to my house, a child conceived when I kicked him out for a short while, and then I mothered the child while he got deeper into cocaine use and debt.,.There was quite a serious instigation of our eventual split , but my life was so much better when I no longer had to beat the self fulfilling prophecy challenge.
“You don’t love me” yes I do “hah see what shit I have caused, NOW you won’t love me!” and so on.

Cryalot2 · 03/06/2019 19:51

Just be brave and call. Think of the lives you will save.

cshelp · 03/06/2019 19:57

Well isn't he a keeper 🤨

QueenBeex · 03/06/2019 20:15

You done the right thing by calling them op

Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 21:21

He arrived back by taxi, demanded the car keys which I refused. I kept refusing, he asked me to buy the booze but I refused. In the end I said if you go I’ll call the police again. He didn’t believe me & had found the spare set of keys, i was dialling before he left but by the time they’d typed info in he was practically back, village shop 3 mins away. So no police presence & now he thinks I was calling his bluff. Both vehicles are marked now & I would call them again. Of course everything is my fault etc & it’s not the done thing to grass on your partner etc. Honestly he’s unbelievable but I’ve walked away as can’t bear to even be in the same room but worse thing is I’m stuck with him for now. Thought I was finally free ☹️

OP posts:
BruceAndNosh · 03/06/2019 21:31

I hope you've now got both sets of keys

HundredMilesAnHour · 03/06/2019 21:34

You need to make sure you keep ALL the keys so he can't just drive off. You did the right thing calling the Police. Call them every time.

He just doesn't give a shit does he? He could easily have walked if it's only a 3 min drive to the shop.

I don't know how or why you're tolerating this. I would have kicked him out the first time he took my vehicle without permission. And most definitely reported him for drunk driving EVERY time. I think he's disgusting. I couldn't bear to be in the same building as him, let alone room.

I really hope you cut ties with him OP. This is no way to live.

Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 21:36

He’s refusing to give them to me at the moment. When he’s calmed down I’ll ask again or get them during night, how pathetic - it’s no way to live. I’ve asked his sister & BIL if they’ll come over & try n reason with him. Not to repair things as I don’t want him but make him see sense that myself & my daughters shouldn’t have to live with this & for him to hear it from someone else.

OP posts:
ilikemethewayiam · 03/06/2019 21:39

OP, video him on your phone next time he gets in the car. Surely that will be enough proof for the police?

Original poster
Kmb4444 · 03/06/2019 21:44

Yes you would think it would be enough evidence, I will do that.. After today I’ve lost faith in the police a bit tbh, they were like mm there’s probably cctv on the roundabout opposite the hotel car park but you know it’s not always clear etc, sunny day etc hard to see! I’m wondering now if they’ve even checked his previous you’d think they’d want him off the road instead of that he gets a little chat!

OP posts: