To think I can return to work 3-4 weeks after giving birth?

[RoguePudding]

As in title, really. I'm pregnant with my first, self-employed, and if I pass on this assignment because of the baby, I may be without income for much longer than we could afford. What is probably important to know:

• my job is intellectually challenging, but involves no physical labour whatsoever
• I can work from home
• It would be for about 16 hours a week
• 3 weeks would be the worst case scenario. The assignment starts five weeks after my due date
• my husband works fulltime

Is this feasible? Anyone else return to (parttime) work or perhaps studies very quickly?

Tbh bf might be easier than holding a bottle while typing

I live in the States and most women I know have returned to work by then. Some in fairly physical jobs too.

I live in the States and most women I know have returned to work by then. Some in fairly physical jobs too

Interested to know in my case Dd was nearly 1 month late. She was just not coming out.

Has it ever happened that someone has gone on maternity leave and been expected back to work before the baby has appeared?

@Oliversmumsarmy most women I know don't go on maternity leave until the baby is here.

There have been a couple of exceptions where the company give longer leave so they took some before but for the most part it's such a short amount of time that people save it for when they can actually spend time with the baby.

And most of the women I know had unpaid maternity leave. Although that's the nature of the work where I live.

I have read many comments now from mums who feel they were simply too exhausted to work and I just have to wonder - what about all the fathers / partners? Are they not having their sleep interrupted and still need to go to work every day? Don't you share night shifts and household duties at all? I understand some things fall on the person-who-gave-birth - if you are breastfeeding and baby is cluster feeding or refusing the bottle - but under most circumstances surely your partner is helping out? (Do not mean to exclude single mums - you are ace!)

Please google fourth trimester.

Your baby has been living in your body for 9 months. You and your baby have a bond that's totally different to the bond that fathers have with the baby, at least at first. Your body is attuned to your baby's body.

Before I gave birth, I was a really heavy sleeper, I could sleep through anything. DP also. That changed when I had a young baby, for me at least. Not DP. This is a change beyond my control. If my baby so much as snuffled in his sleep, I was awake! I was alert to his movements, while I was asleep, in a way DP just wasn't . Still, to this day, when 10 yr old DS wakes up and gets out of bed (some days ridiculously early, I wake up, unaware why I'm awake, then hear DS sneaking out of his room to play computer before breakfast!)

When he was little, and woke in the night, I woke before DP did. Getting DP to get up and look after DS, involved waking DP up out of a deep sleep and telling him it was his turn. By the time I got him awake, I was fully awake myself, so totally different from DP just sleeping through my wake ups. Often it was easier to settle my baby back to sleep than go through his rigmarole.

Also, if you are BFing, (and I hope you do manage to, it's much better in the long run for all sorts of reasons. Not least because it's free and once you've cracked it, so, so much easier and less limiting than bottles) then if you want your DP to get up in the night, you'll need to express loads of milk and hope your baby takes to a bottle.

Then, because you're at home with the baby all day, and because of the bond you share, most mothers become experts in interpreting and responding to their baby's cues long before fathers do. Often you can't just hand your baby over to your other half to settle, as actually your baby just wants you.

Society sells us a nonsense idea that men can be as involved in a small baby's immediate needs. It's simply not true. Babies are born in women's bodies, and in those early days, there is a difference between men's and women's roles. I didn't appreciate this at all before becoming a mother. Yes, absolutely, men should share 50% of the labour. But what they do isn't the same as what women do, because of our biology. (Worth remembering, housework and nappy changing don't require any special biology! Nor do cuddling the baby while you have a lie in).

Women should be supported to care for our babies on those early days, in ways that work with our bodies, not expect us to be all things to all people in my opinion. Motherhood is a role only women can do, and it is different to fatherhood in those early days. I think we do ourselves a disservice not to recognise that.

One of my twins was still in NICU at two months old. You really can’t predict what’s going to happen.

My DH helped with every night feed (I was pumping so he fed while I pumped - pro tip: do not pump in these circumstances, it’s as draining as bfing without any of the convenience plus extra work!) but I was still beyond broken and exhausted.

If your DH is actually willing to do the night time care half the week (or you both sleep in shifts if you’re not bfing), that may work better. Can your mum delay her trip to the start of the project?

Can you subcontract some of the work to someone good if you do find it’s too much? Say it’s writing, can you pay them a lower rate to write the content and you then edit? You’d be no worse off than you would be short term if you’d turned it down, and better off longterm.

You need to decide: what’s going to be more damaging, turning the job down now, or being unable to complete the work / doing it poorly? I know you think you’ll just push through but what if you physically can’t (postnatal mental health issues aren’t mind over matter, they can be debilitating, and postnatal complications can be very difficult as there’s no time to recover properly while caring for a baby).

I think you could aim to do 1.5 - 2 hours per day Mon - Friday and then 10 hours at the weekend where DH is in charge completely as if you’re at work. This will bank you some time in case you have bad weeks (hello, four
Month sleep regression!). But all this is assuming you’re actually well enough to do it, and the impact it may have on your mental health / feelings about this time with your baby.

If there’s no way round it and it has to be done then you need to factor in some contingencies (someone who does ad hoc childcare for young babies and could help out for a few days here and there if you’re falling behind, someone to subcontract some tasks to, asking your mum if she could come over for the weekend to help, etc etc).

Completely agree that the ‘fourth trimester’ is a manifestation that pregnancy and birth affects the mother in ways it doesn’t affect the father. And I can vouch for the fact it made me completely tuned into our babies so I responded to them the moment they stirred in a way dh didn’t. I’m sure that’s pure biology. But this doesn’t mean the mother can’t work during the ‘fourth trimester’ ... particularly when it’s a manageable work load as the OP describes, where she can fit work around her child, feed on demand and have none of the pressures and expectations of having to get the baby up and out to childcare and working in a public facing role.

I agree it’s a disservice to not recognise the role of motherhood. But I think it’s an equal disservice to assume that motherhood renders women unable to carry out other tasks alongside caring for their child. At the end of the day most pregnancies and births are ‘normal’ - ie don’t involve baby in NICU or mother in hospital for aeons. The vast majority of women are not rendered incapable of using their brains in the weeks after birth

I did five days after a section. FF and only really using a laptop. I'm a single mother too. But I wouldn't recommend it. It was a mistake looking back

If you think you can cope, go ahead. But if you find it difficult, are you able to extend the deadline, if there is one? Or are you able to take it in short bursts. But if you want to, then try it. Everyone is different, and able to cope in different ways.

The vast majority of women are not rendered incapable of using their brains in the weeks after birth

This is emotive language that I think does do women a disservice.

No one said women were rendered incapable of using our brains after birth. The question was, is going back to work in the early weeks doable. Many women have said that they'd find this difficult or impossible. If we go about implying that most women will find going back to work early fine, then how will it make those who struggle feel? It's totally normal to feel absolutely floored by first time motherhood, and we shouldn't make those who do find this, feel there's something wrong with them.

Many first time mothers struggle on, thinking they're the only ones finding it such a struggle, and possibly pushing themselves into PND, because of this idea that it's normal to bounce back. That's true for some women, certainly, but for many it takes ages to feel we could take on work.

We live in a capitalist society that measures worth through your work. and doesn't value the largely unpaid caring work that (mostly) women do, including mothering.

Women should be allowed to just mother, when their children are small, and be celebrated for that, in my opinion. Of course, those of us who feel able should go back to work if we want to, of course. But we should not be pressured to. Those of us who don't feel we can, because we're too overwhelmed by early motherhood, or just don't want to for whatever reason, shouldn't be made to feel that we're not managing. This is perfectly normal.

I was only responding to some of the comments which were extremely emotive- eg: women saying they couldn’t think straight for weeks or months after giving birth etc, one woman even saying she couldn’t remember what she’d eaten for lunch! It’s a real disservice to womankind to suggest that that sort of thing is usual.

Gatoadigrado- sleep deprivation can be utterly debilitating and will disturb everyone’s cognitive functioning to some degree. Then there’s the state of high alert - being super responsive to your newborn and and dealing with the new state of motherhood. It takes up a lot of your attention. Hate to admit it- but brain states do seem to change- as I understand it neurotransmitters will likely be working differently- new motherhood creates an altered mental state.
But some people have easier circumstances and/ or can just cope better with everything.
For me, the worst thing was the sleep deprivation. No one could have functioned well on the amount of sleep I was getting during the first 12 weeks. I think lack of sleep is a key element in the development of a lot of PND. Certainly was with me (and my doctor agreed.)
People are probably using emotive language because they want to convey something of the intensity and enormity of how difficult being a new mother can be- and this comes directly from their own experience. And that includes not being able to think straight.

I was only responding to some of the comments which were extremely emotive- eg: women saying they couldn’t think straight for weeks or months after giving birth etc, one woman even saying she couldn’t remember what she’d eaten for lunch! It’s a real disservice to womankind to suggest that that sort of thing is usual.

It’s not unusual though.

I agree not unusual. I'm five months down the line and have no idea how I will work and parent it all feels so new to me still. You get one thing down then another thing is just around the corner.

I still haven't really got the hang of a weekly food shopping and preparing meals since having dd and tend to just go out and buy stuff as and when we need it rather than plan.

I honestly could’ve definitely done it. I think we tend to go back to work at exactly the point babies are hardest at the 1 year mark. When they are teeny they just eat and sleep. You could have a sling for when you’re sitting at your desk if necessary.

My advice would be just to focus on enjoying your baby at this time. You will never get this time back with your baby . My little one is 12 weeks and looking back at photos it already makes me sad thinking how quickly time passed with them at that stage .

My advice would be just to focus on enjoying your baby at this time. You will never get this time back with your baby

That’s all very well, but the OP has said that they’d struggle to pay the mortgage and eat without this contract.
I spent a lot of time reading books or watching films while my babies were sleeping in the first 12 weeks. That time could have been spent working instead without affecting the time I was focusing on enjoying my baby. Surely no one just stares at them lovingly the entire time they’re asleep?

I would have been able to do this. I've had 3 babies and I was in a routine with all of them by 3 weeks.
Re the 4th trimester thing, it's up to the individual of course, but personally I'd just ignore all that.

You will never get this time back with your baby

I didn’t have a choice. It was the right thing. I’m sure my DC were better off that we could afford to live.

Plus I don’t feel I lost time with my babies. I saw them every day, I only worked part time, I had DD in a sling on me while I worked for 6 months. I feel I miss out on more toddler time than baby time.

I spent a lot of time reading books or watching films while my babies were sleeping in the first 12 weeks

Your experience was very different to mine, and a lot of women's. I has no time to read books or watch films in the first 12 weeks. I bought books that were left unread.

Re the 4th trimester thing, it's up to the individual of course, but personally I'd just ignore all that

Tell that to my baby

It's amazing how little women understand about what so many women go through. This kind of comment implies I chose to be absolutely floored by new motherhood.

That struggling with sleep deprivation was somehow my fault, or me not trying hard enough.

resisterpersister I didn’t have time with my second and third as I obviously then had toddlers to look after at the same time, but my point really was just that you don’t have to gaze adoringly at your baby for the whole first few months in order to bond with them.

What I mean is, my response was directly to Starheart who said she should focus on enjoying her baby rather than working. I was just pointing out that you can enjoy your baby without spending every waking moment focusing on them 100%. I couldn’t entirely ‘focus on enjoying’ my second and third babies as I had school runs, pre school runs, swimming lessons, gymnastics lessons, school reading, spelling tests, cooking meals for 4 other family members etc to do. Doesn’t mean I have any less of a bond with my third.

I spent a lot of time reading books or watching films while my babies were sleeping in the first 12 weeks

But that’s peacefully relaxing while baby is asleep. It’s not the same as working.

My personal view is you need a good 6 months off work after a baby ( be it your 1st or 6th ) just to recover, adjust, and bond.
Obviously, if financial reasons are such that you’d literally lose your home if you weren’t back at work 2 weeks after giving birth, then so be it, but I’d find it incredibly stressful & tiring.

Not that long ago women didn’t go back to work until their child was at full time school. ( many still don’t )

But as I said above, I wasn’t ‘peacefully relaxing’ when my baby was asleep with my second and third. Life went on as normal with everything I had to do for my 5 and 3 year olds. I personally did not need 6 months to relax and adjust. Good job really as with subsequent babies that is time you don’t tend to get.