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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is 25 too young

131 replies

Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 20:20

Based on you experiances do you feel being 25 with a 32yr old dp. Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.
There ovbs a much bigger background story to this situation. But just in regards to the age of the mother. Would you say its an unreasonable situation to put herself in?

OP posts:
Pringlefan · 02/06/2019 00:18

Also: I could barely have handled one child at 25, let alone 4! And CERTAINLY not alongside teaching! Teaching alone ovewhelmed me at that age. I think you are amazing OP.

Drum2018 · 02/06/2019 00:20

i will be trying to book them into some holiday clubs

No. You will be telling him that he needs to book them into some holiday clubs.

SisyphusHadItEasy · 02/06/2019 00:36

When I was 25, DH was 34. He is 55 now... and we are still going strong.

PregnantSea · 02/06/2019 00:40

I wouldn't have taken that on when I was 25. I don't think I would have coped well and I would have felt trapped. But that's just me, you could be very different. We all mature at different rates.

Pasithea · 02/06/2019 00:59

I met my DH when I was 25 and he was 45 and on his own with 4 kids from 20 down to 11 he had been left with them even though the eldest 2 weren’t his. I was hard. I hated most of it but 25 years later we are still happy and have Dgc

TheVanguardSix · 02/06/2019 01:15

4 kids at 25 would sink me.
4 kids at any age would sink me. Grin
But no, it’s a bit much, to be honest.

Muluea · 02/06/2019 04:27

My 2dc are a little older than yours and I'm a teacher.

The last thing I would want to do is to look after a 9 and 11 year old as well.

The holidays for me are 1. time to relax and do nothing and 2. time to indulge my dc in interests we have not had time for during the busy terms.

Thirdly we also make time for the usual holiday activities as all families do (days out, go on holiday).

Teaching is a very unique profession as term time is so busy and structured, so some school holiday time needs to be spent decompressing. And also some time will be spent on planning for the following term. We also have no flexibility in choosing when to take leave.

When you have school aged dc you need to plan you your own needs and theirs.

I would be making plans for the coming summer holidays now if I was in your situation.

Organise time for all 6 of you to go away. A proper family holiday where everyone is included.

Then plan time for you and your 2 dc to relax together at home alone.

And then plan to take your dc away for some alone time just the 3 of you. Your dh can sort childcare and also spend quality time with just the two of them also.

I would not become the default child care for them (and him) for 50% of the school holidays!

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 02/06/2019 04:37

I would have hated it for myself, and I would hate it for my daughter. But different people want different things.

BlackPrism · 02/06/2019 04:39

I'm 24 and that would be too much for me tbh

DCIRozHuntley · 02/06/2019 05:17

I'm not sure that your age is an issue... your partner is. He needs to take some responsibility for his DC.

I think having 2 preschool DC and being a teacher yourself is a lot of work -.the teachers I know bring a lot of work home, especially those who are early on in their careers like yourself. Add in 2 stepkids and it becomes really hard work.

alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 02/06/2019 05:22

At 25 I would have run like the wind. But I was having a ball working and clubbing in London when I was in my 20s! I do have 22 year old friend who is very happy being step mum to her 32 year old boyfriends three kids though, so different strokes etc. It’s a lot to take on though, and I would be considering the whole situation very carefully though if were you.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 02/06/2019 08:04

I think your age is a red herring but it is definitely too much. Your DP needs to step up and get involved in looking after all 4 of his DC rather than leaving it all to you.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 02/06/2019 08:24

I’m 25, have 1 DD(5) and am also a teacher.

Your DP is being unreasonable to expect you to look after all of his children every holiday. I find my one child exhausting for this week and I have work to do as well. My DM luckily lives close and helps out for a couple of days to give me time to work.

You need to sit down with your DP and have a proper discussion about what will happen regarding childcare in the future. It can’t continue as it is.

CruellaFeinberg · 02/06/2019 14:48

so you're a teacher and struggling with 4 children?

At your age, you should be fine - that said, its not fair that your DP is not pulling his weight

CheerfulMuddler · 02/06/2019 15:05

If your DP wants 50/50 care of his kids, he needs to help provide that 50/50 care.
He needs to use his annual leave to help look after them.
Not just your steps - his kids with you.
Half term isn't a holiday for you - you are expected to spend at least some of it doing lesson planning and marking. Make that clear to him.
I think your age is a bit of a red herring. I wouldn't have wanted that at 25, and I do think I would be better able to cope with it now, however I wouldn't really want it now either.
Where is the maternal grandmother? Would she like a day with her dgc every holiday?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 02/06/2019 16:41

Meh, it's fine. I met DH when I was 20. His DC were 18 and 12, and he had sole custody. We had DS by the time I was 21 and were happy for 20 years. Love isn't prescriptive.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/06/2019 19:45

so you're a teacher and struggling with 4 children?

It is not the same at all. Hmm

30 children all with a planned activity to do. You aren’t trying to plan/assess whilst the children are in the room as well. The children are all the same age. So very different.

Historicalroad · 03/06/2019 19:52

I know a 23 year old with a 35 year old dp. They have one child together but the dp has 4 children from a previous relationship. Eldest is almost 16 and youngest is 9. It works fine for them. All very happy.

CruellaFeinberg · 03/06/2019 20:06

Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.

@BeingATwatItsABingThing

so you're a teacher and struggling with 4 children?

It is not the same at all. hmm

30 children all with a planned activity to do. You aren’t trying to plan/assess whilst the children are in the room as well. The children are all the same age. So very different.

No, 4 children, such easier for a trained professional to deal with Hmm back at ya!

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/06/2019 20:21

I’m saying she can’t cope with them. I’m saying she shouldn’t have to.

anothernotherone · 03/06/2019 20:53

CruellaFeinberg school teaching and parenting have surprisingly little in common. What works in a classroom certainly doesn't transfer to a parent child relationship, nor should it really. In other news doctors make terrible patients and often misdiagnose their own children too, police officers get burgled and relationship therapists get divorced...

CruellaFeinberg · 03/06/2019 21:13

What I'm saying is that if the OP is a teacher she should be able to cope with 4 children.

Why is this even a question? If someone can cope with a class of many children, there are plenty of transferable skills?? Organisation, things to occupy, its 4 children.

Based on you experiances do you feel being 25 with a 32yr old dp. Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.

If a 25 year old can be responsible for a class of children (like... a teacher?) Then why cant they be responsible for 4 children?

Whether she should have to is another question, but a teacher should be able to cope.with 4 children

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/06/2019 21:53

I’m *not saying...

Really should proofread my posts.

Daisydo48 · 03/06/2019 21:58

I was 20 DH was 33 when we met i have 2 DSS who were 3 & 5 now 14 and almost 16. I was a very mature 20 year old. I was overwhelmed at first but it worked out. No DC of my own

IntoValhalla · 03/06/2019 22:00

I’m 24yo.
29yo DH. Married for 5 years. We have a 4yo, a 2yo and are expecting DC3.
Your set-up sounds very similar to mine, and yes I have days where I feel like I’ve bitten off more than I can chew because the kids are losing their minds at the same time, DH is working away (military) and my house looks like a bomb has hit it. But I think it would be really abnormal if I didn’t feel like that occasionally!!