Is 25 too young

[Bonnie1993]

Based on you experiances do you feel being 25 with a 32yr old dp. Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.
There ovbs a much bigger background story to this situation. But just in regards to the age of the mother. Would you say its an unreasonable situation to put herself in?

You would not be a bad person if you refuse to do it op. Please don't be guilted by your kids vs his kids. His kids have a mother and father who need to do their share equally. Its completely out of order for his to have dumped this situation on you when he isnt around to pull his weight.
I honestly would not put up with this, and my kids are my priority.

Unaffordable - I think you may have pick d this up wrong. The two younger children are with the father of the two older children. They have been together for six years.

Ok thanks for your honest opinions. I need to talk with partner. Just didnt want toseem like the evil stepmum who didnt want like her step kids. Dont have any friends in simular situations - most are living care free.

I strongly think ‘Newdawn* and your mum are speaking sense, though it will probably be harder for your mum to say.
This is not your responsibility to take so much on and extremely unfair of your partner to expect it if he’s not around.

Good luck Bonnie1993 - be very clear what you expect from him and don't get railroaded or allow him to emotionally blackmail you. All the children are his and he needs to step up. You absolutely have to have clear days during school holidays for marking and preparation - teachers are not actually on holiday for the whole school holidays, be very clear you need 2 days child free in short holidays and 5 in ling ones. He can take time off and you work at school or in a cafe, or the children all go to childcare.

I hope you aren't doing all the school runs and evening childcare in term time, looking uncommited to senior management and marking and preparing late into the night after the children are in bed?

If she can't cope with this at 25 when will she be able to cope?

Thanks.

Im very hands on with mine and probably so used to getting on with it myself that he thinks this will automatically transpire when his children come over.

Yes i do do all the nursery runs and often up late into the night prepping for work. Its probs my fault based on how i am with my 3 and 4 year old.

When i have meetings etc once a week he will collect them from nursery. And thats job done. Once i get back home i got to prep dinner sort kids out. Which i dont complain about.

Bt yh time to speak up!

@mathewbramble i did not say i cant cope. Its more of a 'do i want to cope in an unfair situation'

Then you need to start complaining.
Though unfortunately you seem to have landed yourself with a man who has 4 kids but no desire to actually parent any of them.

I dont think age is anything to do with it. 4 kids is a big stressor and responsibility for a person of any age, especially older steo children who you dont know that well

It is quite a lot but the needs of the older kids were known when you met, you then chose to have 2 kids close together. 4 kids at your age would have been common in the past and still is in some parts of the world, to be honest I had far more energy when I was your age (I was 25 when my dd was born£

Don’t judge yourself for not wanting to cope with it op, it is an unfair situation.

I’d struggle with 4 children now in my mid 30s & I have lots of support.

No, I had two children by then and I was looking after my youngest sister as my mum wasn’t very well. My sister is nearly thirteen years younger than me. When I had my eldest at 20 I was also looking after my youngest sister who was 8 & keeping an eye on the ten and twelve year old as mum was in hospital for about 8 moths. Dad was working in the business. I was always quite responsible for my age. At 19 I was left in charge of my boss’s business while they went on holiday to abroad for three weeks. It was quite a lot now I think back on it but they must have trusted me.

Are the children yours or both of you the parents?

I wouldn't be happy and I don't think not has anything to do with age. 4 dc are a lot.

What a difficult situation for you to be in though.

Thank you for sharing as I think this has been very eye opening with regards to entering relationships with people who have children. I would never want to be in a situation where I was expected to do childcare for my partners dc. My own dc are more than enough, I could not bear the thought of doing any more.

Questions to consider What would he do for childcare if he had the dc 50 50 and you weren't there?

And furthermore
if you were to separate and he had all 4 dc 50 50 what would he do?

Personally I don't think so.

I’d be very upset for my 25 year old daughter if she ended up in this situation, I must admit.

OP, please have a think about the impact this is having on your future. Your career and pension are so important. You don’t have the protection of marriage if this relationship breaks down and you’ll end up with just maintenance for the children.

If you’re spending the weekend playing catch-up for work because you’re caring for his children, you’re actually doing your two small kids a disservice.

Feel like im paying for their mistake of having children, their relationship not working and then neither of them not fully committed to parenting role

Well to be fair this might be you having the “mistake of having children” and having a non working relationship. With someone else raising his next children, And so on.

I had just turned 21 when I met my husband. He is 9 years older than me. We couldn't be happier

One solution.
Book a holiday or go and stay with family during the weeks that they come to stay. Then there is a clean break from them and dh can take time off or book care for them.

You are a teacher so the school holidays are the only time you have leave. So I would be using that time to visit family and travel with your own children.

No one likes to be taken advantage of. Sorry to say but If I was you this is exactly how I'd feel. So many things to think about.... Don't need to answer them, just think about them:
*Did you discuss the SC when you met, in other words was he transparent and told you near the start of the relationship?
*If not when did he tell you, what did he tell you?
*Did you ever sit down and discuss the possibilities for future arrangements, what he wanted to happen with his own children with regards to access and care?
*What part did you play in influencing the 50/50 custody?
*Do you have family close by to help support you?
*Does he have family close by who can help?
*His children are both pre-pubescent. When their teenage hormones kick in it will probably be a very challenging time. As you are not their mother but their main caregiver with your own children, this may be a challenging time for that reason.
*What does your partner actually do with his own children when he is at home: help with homework, take them out, takes over so you can have a break etc?
*Does he help in other ways when he's not working: help with housework, take all the children out although their needs will be varied owing to age? Juggling will be necessary.
*Can you manage your job and all the extra work at home that entails, helping all the kids homework for all age groups?
*Does he treat his own kids any different to the children you have together?
*Do he make sure you okay and genuinely enquire as to your wellbeing and if your coping or does he have his own routine that seems a bit separate from yours?
*Do you sit and talk about how to parent the children and agree to how to deal with their demanding needy behaviour so you both support each other?
*What do you want to do with your life and can you do it or adapt it so you feel fulfilled and not just stuck in a rut?
*4 Kids are expensive, have you agreed on how you're going to finance the cost; whose responsibility is it for what?

*This probably hasn't helped at all but (in hindsight) theres no way I'd 'want' that much responsibly when I hadn't experienced life that much at that age. 2 children impact every part of your life. 4 children! However if your pockets are deep its a whole different ball game as you'll have so many more options to take the strain off and give you a break.

I would have hated that for me at 25. It would have felt very suffocating and overwhelming. It’s not about age or maturity though, that is a lot of child care for most people to take on. I wouldn’t want that for myself at 40.

I also wouldn’t want a partner who felt it was okay for me to shoulder the responsibility of the child care for his 4 kids. You need to speak up and speak loudly. Otherwise this will be your life for years to come.

Im the 25 year old... Sorry was a bit vague. Just had a long half term week with 4 kids and not sure if im being out of order for thinking ive taken on too much.
Half term is hard however many kids you have and how ever old you are. Your little ones are still little and it’s full on. I don’t think it’s your age it’s that you’ve 4 relatively young children to entertain.

I like Musin's suggestion! Take your two and go off somewhere and have a nice time for a few days next holiday. Your DP can enjoy some 'father time' with his other two DC. He'll have to use his annual leave or sort out childcare clubs for while he's at work.