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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 25 too young

131 replies

Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 20:20

Based on you experiances do you feel being 25 with a 32yr old dp. Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.
There ovbs a much bigger background story to this situation. But just in regards to the age of the mother. Would you say its an unreasonable situation to put herself in?

OP posts:
crazyasafox · 01/06/2019 21:06

@Bonnie1993

Oh no, it's not something I would have wanted at 25, and I wouldn't want that for my daughter (similar age to you) either. I actually just asked her, and she said she would not want it either, and neither would any of her friends (who are mostly professionals like she is.)

There are so many more things you could be doing at 25 than being tied down with 4 kids. Sorry, but you did ask. Sad

DD is currently on holiday with her boyfriend and 4 of their mates, touring around South America. She has been with him 4.5 years and they have been to about a dozen different countries in that time (she also went to about 10 different countries with us as a child/teen.)

They have several hobbies and sports that they take part in, they go out with mates til 3am every other weekend, and lie in til midday, and they both go on 2-3 day trips with work around once or twice a month. In addition, they have booked last minute trips to Rome and Paris and Budapest in the past year. They have literally just flown out of the UK 3 days after booking the trip(s.)

Couldn't do most of what they do with kids in tow. I have several friends who have daughters a similar age, and they have one to three kids, and all their lives are entirely governed by the needs and wants of the babies/children.

Some people will insist you CAN do most of what I have mentioned with 2 or 3 kids in tow, but the fact is that you really can't, and most people don't.

Supersimpkin · 01/06/2019 21:06

OP, you need some help - there are limits to being heroic. When can family or friends pile in to take one/more DC off you for a bit? In the meantime, DP needs to start thinking about stepping up.

Pinkvoid · 01/06/2019 21:06

Nope, I had three children at this age and had a fourth not much older than this. I also have a degree, mortgage and strong relationship.

18, maybe but not 25.

yearinyearout · 01/06/2019 21:06

Sorry, I missed your update saying the arrangement was only finalised last year. Did you have any input into his decision to go for 50/50? Maybe he needs to be taking some of his holiday leave in the holidays to help look after them. It's totally unfair that you ended up having them for the full week, and you need to speak up to ensure it doesn't happen every holiday. The 50/50 arrangement should still apply, its up to their mother to sort childcare if she is at work.

crazyasafox · 01/06/2019 21:08

DD just sent me a pic on facebook as I was chatting to her actually!

I'm quite jealous! Wish I was in Peru with her!

Drum2018 · 01/06/2019 21:09

He's taking the piss expecting that you will simply mind his kids while he carries on as normal. Time to say it to him before summer holidays and let him know that leaving them with you every day is not an option. Does he have family nearby who could help out when he's at work? He can look into kids clubs for them. In any case if this is a new arrangement with his ex then you need to speak up now.

Original poster
Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 21:10

@anothernotherone Yea 50/50 is a new arrangement. They used to spend alot of tine with maternal gran.
The Sc are kind and polite just a tad needy. I feel my lifestyle differs to that at home and can be quite 'want want want' as they see that its available. I feel mum installs in them then when in out care its the time to ask for all the things you want / need.

I will definitely be making some changes. Last six week holiday was quite simular so i will be trying to book them into some holiday clubs.

Yes im a teacher. Currently spending the next two nights cramming in all what i should have completed over the week but wasnt able to.

Quite funny cos partner made a big deal ablout 50/50 but is quite limited in ability to look after them. I think it was more principle than actually wanting to take on a full fatherly role.

My mum suggested i refuse to do for Sc and force him to do it but it just seemed unfair to divide what i do for them based on my kids and not my kids.

OP posts:
Clubbercised · 01/06/2019 21:10

I definitely see how, regardless of your age, you are getting the raw end of the deal all round. Presumably you do most of the childcare for the 3 & 4 year olds when the older two go to their mum's and therefore you never get a break.

When does your dp use his A/L if not during school holidays?

Clubbercised · 01/06/2019 21:14

Quite funny cos partner made a big deal ablout 50/50 but is quite limited in ability to look after them. I think it was more principle than actually wanting to take on a full fatherly role.

Also, if he was paying child support before, maybe he now pays less... But he still doesn't have to do any childcare as you are doing it for him!

Maybe that's too harsh, but it was my first thought when you said about him pushing for 50/50.

1moremum · 01/06/2019 21:14

Im the 25 year old... Sorry was a bit vague. Just had a long half term week with 4 kids and not sure if im being out of order for thinking ive taken on too much.

at this point, anyone would feel that way, regardless of age, or numbers of children. half term is hell.

HelpIcantfindaname · 01/06/2019 21:15

I was only 16, 18 & 20 when I had my first 3 children. By the time I was 25 I was a single parent about to start a 4yr B.Ed degree.
BUT they were my kids.....I think step kids may have been different. I have a sort of step son now plus my own DD10 (1st 3 kids are grown up & have own kids). DP & I dont live together but spend a lot of time together....sometimes the kids get on great & sometimes they fight loads. I imagine if we lived together all the time it could be really hard work.
But you have just had half term...& survived...it might be daunting at times...but you can do it. X

speakout · 01/06/2019 21:18

Not a life I would want.

Original poster
Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 21:20

The 50/50 is new they used to spend a lot of time with their maternal gp.
They are well behaved only thing is the 'want want want' attitude. I feel mum installs that when in out care they should try to get as much as they can out of it.

I am a teacher so currently spending the next two night trting to catch up on all what i wasnt able to do.

Spoke to my mum and she suggested i stop doing all what i am for SC to force partner to do more. But i just felt terrible separating what i do based on them not being mine. As i feel they would immediately notice.

Their mum has limitrd involvement when they are with us. Have spoken to her on the phone a few more times but she is very much no contact when they are with us. Even today when they were meant to be being brought home she text to say shes not around yet to collect them can we wait until 2mro.

Funny thing is i would never want my daughter to put herself in this situation. Feel like im paying for their mistake of having children, their relationship not working and then neither of them not fully committed to parenting role. Might seem a bit harsh but i feel this continuing could be a deal breaker for me

OP posts:
Ragwort · 01/06/2019 21:21

Totally depends on the individual, I had no desire to have a child until I was 40 & being brutally honest, I would hope my own DS doesn’t rush into having a family too young. I think you have taken on a huge responsibility OP.

Mammylamb · 01/06/2019 21:22

Ah. So you’re not a judgey so and so, and it is you’re business.

You’re not too young for anything at 25. But I’m 39, and couldn’t deal with 4 kids either. You need to tell dp

anothernotherone · 01/06/2019 21:23

Bonnie1993 that isn't on, you poor thing. Your partner is taking the piss, pushing for 50/50 to eradicate maintenance payment (please, please say you have a joint account and full access to his salary - if he keeps his salary and insists you both pay exactly 50 of bills but you earn less and do all the childcare he get the arsehole of the week award) but has handed the extra childcare straight to you.

You need a serious talk with your partner, he's not behaving like a partner or a father ATM and you need several child free days every school holiday to do your marking and preparation.

CassianAndor · 01/06/2019 21:24

So you took on two step children when you were 19?

I find that rather depressing. You should have been young and free and gallivanting at that age!

C0untDucku1a · 01/06/2019 21:25

Hmm so he eanted 50/50, probably reduced his contribution in cm if not stopped completely, and yet doesnt provide any childcare? Hmm

Before this becomes expected, you need to have a conversation about what childcare he will be responsible for in summer amd going forward. That includes pick up and drop off to where necessary.

BlueJag · 01/06/2019 21:26

Too late to think about it.

eddielizzard · 01/06/2019 21:26

I don't think it's fair that you've picked up the responsibility for his kids. 50/50 all very well, but he doesn't seem to be doing the 50, it's all you. I think you're totally justified in saying it's too much. It is too much. And I think their mum and your DP are taking the piss.

anothernotherone · 01/06/2019 21:29

BlueJag clearly it isn't because the situation has changed and the father of 4 children in this scenario has decided to push his luck and channel his inner misogynistic arse hole.

Time for a very straightforward, clear conversation about roles and expectations between the couple and some new firm boundaries to be set.

Summersunshine2 · 01/06/2019 21:35

im stuck with 4 kids and never have the freedom to do what ex or dp were doing
This is your main point OP.
It isn't on. You need to change that.

Summersunshine2 · 01/06/2019 21:36

Sorry didn't bold your quote!

UnaCorda · 01/06/2019 21:36

So you are 25 and already have two children with a man - or possibly two men - whom you're no longer with? And you're contemplating getting seriously involved with, or moving in with, another partner who already has two children? (I assume you haven't had the 3- and 4-year-old with this man otherwise you wouldn't be asking the question.)

If I've inferred that correctly I would say proceed cautiously, for the sake of your two young children if nothing else.

TheBigFatMermaid · 01/06/2019 21:36

Just reflected on my life this week and thought their dad at work. The ex is enjoying her freedom and im stuck with 4 kids and never have the freedom to do what ex or dp were doing

Honestly, it would probably feel as hard as this with just your own, with no help. I know it did for me when mine were little. I was very envious of anyone with time to themselves.

What the reall problem is, is the lack of support from the father of all the DC!! He needs to be there more. 50/50 is about the parents, not the step parents! He needs to step up.

I had a 9 year old step daughter at 25 too, so I've been there. I worked nights to accommodate her parents daytime working and her holidays. That continued when I had my own DC!