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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 25 too young

131 replies

Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 20:20

Based on you experiances do you feel being 25 with a 32yr old dp. Two dc aged 3 and 4. And two step kids 11 and 9. Is too much responsibilty for the 25yr old.
There ovbs a much bigger background story to this situation. But just in regards to the age of the mother. Would you say its an unreasonable situation to put herself in?

OP posts:
legalseagull · 01/06/2019 20:43

Cross post

Pppppppp1234 · 01/06/2019 20:44

However I would expect your DP to have some of the responsibility not all just on you OP? 3 and 4 year olds are hard work!!
Remember though that your step kids are older... the 11 year old will be fiercely independent in a short time and won’t want to do anything and will jsut sit in their room
All day.... the 9 year old probably whinges a lot but will find it hard adjusting to playing with 3/4 year olds

CassianAndor · 01/06/2019 20:44

I would have in no way have been ready for that at 25. Your brain has only just finished maturing.

I’ll not sure I would want a 25 year old DD of mine to take all that on.

Dandelion1993 · 01/06/2019 20:44

I'm 26 and DH is 35. We've been together 7 years and have 2 children.

Sparklesocks · 01/06/2019 20:44

I think its completely dependant on the individual, I was still very big into partying and messing about when I was 25 so I wouldn’t have been ready personally, but I had plenty of friends who would’ve been.

anothernotherone · 01/06/2019 20:46

Bonnie1993 the point is you feel overwhelmed and this sounds like a new relationship.

You shouldn't be doing all the childcare for your boyfriend's children - is this the first time you've looked after them for an extended period?

Are the 3 and 4 year old just yours, not joint with the step children's father? That's how it sounds now.

Do you live together?

From your last post it sounds as though he's moved you in as the nanny.

Ellapaella · 01/06/2019 20:46

I was in a similar situation. When I was 25 I had a 3 year old, My DH (then DP) was in His 30's and I had a step daughter who was 4. I was fine and don't feel it was too much responsibility at all. I also worked full time then.

Ellapaella · 01/06/2019 20:47

4 kids to care for at the same time on your own is a huge responsibility for anyone no matter how old you are. Hard bloody work!

DaisyEmma · 01/06/2019 20:49

I would have found that way too much at that age. Even now (much older!) it would take serious thought. Also depends on the relationships with all the children and amongst themselves...

jennymanara · 01/06/2019 20:50

I actually wish I had had DC when this young. No not too young.

ChristmasArmadillo · 01/06/2019 20:50

Not at all. At 25 I had two small children and though I had no stepchildren I had (have) nieces and nephews who stay with me frequently in the age range of your SDC and I love the little break they give me by helping out around the house and with my children.

underneaththeash · 01/06/2019 20:52

It's a bit too much for anyone! Make sure you book a few holiday camps next holiday.
It's a bit late though now OP to complain, you chose to have 2 children with a man who has 2 children already.

ANewDawn10 · 01/06/2019 20:53

25 with 4 kids, definitely would not want that for myself or my Dd. Sounds depressing actually at that age.

Original poster
Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 20:53

The 3 and 4 year old are joint. So we have the 3 and 4 year old together the 9 and 11 are his. Have been together for 6 years and live together. However the childcare arrangements have been finalized last year.
Other areas of my life are sorted i work full time term time only. Just reflected on my life this week and thought their dad at work. The ex is enjoying her freedom and im stuck with 4 kids and never have the freedom to do what ex or dp were doing.

Maybe just a tad worn out...

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 01/06/2019 20:55

I had ds2 at that age, had graduated as a teacher, left teaching went into learning and development and was a manager, managing people who’s kids were my age.

Definitely comes down to the individual!

Boysey45 · 01/06/2019 20:58

No its your partner that needs to be stepping up a lot more and looking after his own kids.I'd have said you take A/L and look after them. No way would I be looking after the lot for the whole week by myself.

I'd help but the older ones are his responsibility primarily not yours.

Original poster
Bonnie1993 · 01/06/2019 20:58

@underneaththeash thats what ive been telling myself all week... 'too late to complain now - you made your bed now lay in it'
But tbh i have no problems raising my two. And dont question whether i was too young for them. Its just the bigger picture of the older SC.

OP posts:
Supersimpkin · 01/06/2019 20:59

I wouldn't take on 4 kids at any age without a lot of help. Tiring, and I'd like my own life once in a while. Well done OP.

anothernotherone · 01/06/2019 21:00

Bonnie1993 wow, if the 3 and 4 year old are joint you're stuck... So is 50/50 new?

Who looked after the older 2 in the holidays previously?

Are they playing up?

I do think their dad is playing you for a mug expecting you to do all the holiday care for his children.

Are you a teacher? Do you have marking and preparation to do?

Your DP needs to pull his finger out and do more with his 4 children! A lot of people use working long hours as an excuse to dump on their partners. I used to work with men who'd hang about around the office surfing the internet and drinking coffee til the kids were in bed Angry

Don't be a drudge - book holiday clubs next holidays, at least half the time, and insist that the children's father does far more. Don't be dumped on, he's taking advantage.

yearinyearout · 01/06/2019 21:01

If you're finding it too much, then you have answered your own question. Was it 50/50 care when you met your dp?

SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 01/06/2019 21:03

6 years you’ve been together and only met their mum twice? I’m surprised at that. I have 2 ds with different dads and I’ve met their girlfriends and my dp have met my ex’s and partners loads of times. It’s something I feel strongly about (due to a toxic upbringing so that’s a whole other story).

She obviously trusts you which is good- you could have had someone who tried to make your life hell (yes cousins exgf I’m looking at you!!).

But if you feel overwhelmed then say something. Don’t keep it to yourself. If you feel they are getting a break whereas you don’t, then use your voice, don’t be afraid to say ‘I’m finding this difficult’.

Drogosnextwife · 01/06/2019 21:04

I had 2 kids at 25 but I wouldn't ever want step children, I know that sound horrible but I just think it makes things too complicated. Why did you have the kids the whole holiday?

randomncftw · 01/06/2019 21:04

Sorry to hear that Bonnie. You have a 3 and 4 year old yourself so you have been a mum since you were 21? And now have DSC. that is a lot and I’m sure it can be overwhelming at times. are you happy though in general? Love your DP? I didn’t have kids till I was 32 so I have no real idea what it would be like. As long as you’re happy that’s all that matters Flowers

suzy2b · 01/06/2019 21:05

My daughter was 21 when she became stepmum to twins 6 and a 5 yr old then she had her own ,kids were not the best behaved , she had them for 6 yrs until her partner left

soarin · 01/06/2019 21:06

Mmm 4 kids for anyone is too much. No chance at all I could cope with that. What's the expectation that you have all 4 during school hols? Fuck that

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