To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

What do you suggest Preggo, move to a less stressful job?

Maybe they can downsize house to accommodate it or the op can increase earnings

Only you know your DH. What sort of a man is he? What would he be prepared to do if you were really unhappy over there? What would he be prepared to do if one of your parents suddenly became ill?

Personally, I’d go. But that’s because I love moving somewhere new & I love living in different environments.

However, that’s because I know I’d never have to argue about bringing my children back to the UK if I was unhappy. If I wasn’t sure about that, I’d think twice. But also, if I was married to a man where I had to think twice about that, we’d no longer be married.

Would you consider doing it on the understanding his ‘final’ step up the ladder will be back in the uk?

Although it wouldn’t be a guarantee, you could get him to see a lawyer and make a statement that in the event of you being unhappy he wouldn’t contest you bringing the children back to the uk, their HOME. It won’t be binding, but in the case of it going to court it might help.

How much of a look has he had at other potential up the ladder jobs? I know it’s niche, but there will still be more than this one job.

I would not do this, not one bit. You will be isolated, in a new country away from your support network and you will also be solely reliant on your DH’s income. If you are gravely unhappy in the new country, do you have a way of getting back? Would DH support you moving back?

It’s too much upheaval for your DC too imo, since they’re settled into a school. You sound happy where you are, all of you except him. Maybe he just moves and travels back at weekends unless it’s the other side of the world then you’re kinda screwed.

He chooses to do a job which necessitates "crazy hours" and makes him stressed.

How do you know it is a 'choice? I am the main earner in our family, working an extremely stressful job which I don't like and feel overwhelmed by. I would love to be able to pursue an opportunity somewhere else, but we have put down roots, and my DP would never agree to move anyway (we live in DP's childhood home). My only other option is to look for something else, but with my skillset I would struggle to find anything locally with the same or similar salary, and if I took a pay cut our quality of life would suffer (very high cost of living in our area). When you're the one responsible for your family's income there sometimes aren't as many choices as you'd like.

Preggosaurus9 andbyet thevop still calls her life lovely.

So actually him just stoppingbisnt going to help.

How happy do you think she will be when her lively life disappears but he is home more.

Go!
Your family lifestyle is provided by your husband.
Your husband will be happier and more fulfilled
Your lifestyle won't change that much hopefully
It's a great opportunity for your kids to live abroad.

If you decide not to go could you get a job do he can go part time on his job? He may not get his promotion but will have more time for you, your children and himself. This way everyone is happy?

OP
Would you be based in a city or town?

What is the transportation like?

Would you be able to drive?

Can you tell us the country?
( unless I missed it?)

Ha. This is my situation. Are you my husband pretending to be a mumsnet person to do a reversal.

My husband gave me an ultimatum to follow him to other side of world or that he would go without me and boys. I’d have maybe supported him if no ultimatum but with that, no. I am staying. Look into The Hague convention .. only go if you’re sure he wouldnt use that against you. Only go if your marriage has strong foundations and mutual respect for each other.

I would jump at the chance! What an adventure! And it isn't forever, just a few years.

YABU not to be supportive.
I feel sad for your DH as you are clearly not going to commit to this and have a positive mindset to make this work. I suspect you would sooner stay where you are, close to DM.
You might well stay over here, but life will still change.

He loves his work. Him taking a lower paid less stressful job and me working more isn’t really an option. He loves work and I love being at home and having a very part time role. Opportunity has come knocking, very unexpectedly, and if he doesn’t take this role then there isn’t another obvious role on the horizon. It’s not like he can just stay where he is and get a promotion. If he was a lawyer or in finance or something it would be totally different as there are millions of places you can work, at all different levels all over the world. The most similar thing I can think of is being a senior politician, and not being able to be the prime minister because your DP refuses to move to London!

OP why are you posting and not doing your own research about the country you might go to and what opportunities there are?

You may doing the grunt work with the kids (you haven't said what ages) but you have a cleaner and someone dong the ironing and your mother on the doorstep giving you me-time. Is your part time job transferable - I know you have said his new company would find you work?

What country is it? Will you have to speak another language?

Your husband is doing all the earning for you to have a very pleasant and comfortable life with your ma on the doorstep.

However he is highly stressed with poss MH issues and also stressed that you won't support him by considering moving to another country - that and focus entirely on the kids has put the marriage under strain as you say.

Can you not ask if you can talk to other people in the company about your clear fears? So not just about the job you might get out there but what schools there are? And ask if they would pay for your ma to come out twice a year? what sort of home you might expect?

I'd also look ahead 20 years when your children are grown and ask - would they have liked living abroad and experiencing different things - since you haven't said where it's hard to tell - or just watched their dad shrivel and possibly separate from their ma while you live within your comfort zone.

It makes a huge difference, is it OZ, NZ, or China ?
if its an anglophone country it is potentially hugely easier to make friends, find work, & for the DC.
I know several people who have taken work in OZ, including my brother, they have all had a ball, the outdoor life, the sailing, the beaches. the climate... It could be an amazing life for your DC.
Could you get it in writing that if you couldn't integrate he would come home, & if he wanted to stay he would permit you to leave, (& get a contract written by solicitor)
if you don't support your H you marriage will be under even more pressure, he will see that he provides & it stops there.
What will you life look like when you are a single mother with 3 DC, & no income ?

I think you have a lot of soul searching to do.

You aren't working and you say you don't 'have' to work. Which means your DH has been supporting your family and the lovely lifestyle you apparently have (cleaner, ironing person, etc).

So if you really aren't interested in going so he can progress in the career that he loves, for presumably more money, expenses paid to get there, fewer hours, etc, and the likely ability to save more money so he can retire younger, etc etc, while you don't contribute financially to the family, even knowing he's been unhappy and stressed where he is, things that can potentially shorten his life, then I think you should get a job and prepare yourself for the possibility your marriage won't survive.

It's selfish to a large degree ... selfish to want only the best for your life, at the expense of his ... but understandable if you know you would be unhappy and potentially trapped in another country if your marriage broke down while you were over there.

I do think you should reconsider your stay-at-home status either way, if only to protect yourself as much as you can economically. And encourage your husband to look elsewhere if he's really that unhappy at his current job so you can perhaps find someplace closer to relocate to as a family.

Is the ONLY option for him to progress a move across the world? Like literally the only way he can get the "ultimate" job? (Why is that even necessary?) Or can he use this offer as way to develop opportunities somewhere nearer?

OP sorry, you did say the ages

what would you do if he has a break down and can't work for a long time then your standard of living would greatly change and you would have to get a full time job. Yes i think you are being selfish you are not even willing to give it a chance if you won't even give it a go i think your oh should go without you

Go! Definitely. It'll be an incredible experience for you all. Your children will benefit enormously from it too. 3-5 years is not very long and you and the children can always come back to the UK every year over the long summer break - UK Christmas - if you desperately feel the need (although you should ideally try to explore the southern hemisphere while you're there!). You'll only have regrets if you don't try and it sounds like a good career opportunity for your dh too so it's a win-win situation. It'll be tough to be further away from your family but I'd hope they'd be supportive of your decision too.

He loves his work. Him taking a lower paid less stressful job and me working more isn’t really an option. He loves work and I love being at home and having a very part time role.

So you are both benefitting?

Why some posters seem to think it's only one or the other than is, I don't get.

OP what's the plan if he does go? Stay in a job that makes him miserable?

Then what if he breaks down?

YANBU to be nervous.
YABVU unreasonable to be (as it appears) focussed on all the negatives and unwilling to explore it/try it out.

Your children are the ideal ages for it to be a bit of an adventure. Yes there would be adjustment, yes you would need to carve a life for yourself so that you could make friends etc.

Why don't you

• go on holiday to see what you think.
• discuss with your husband what would happen if you gave it a trial period. And investigate your rights re the children if you wanted to move back and he didn't. Could they offer him a shorter term contract with the option to extend?
• of course the expat message boards are going to be full of people having problems/being homesick.

If you decide not to to or even to discuss it then it sounds as though you will be putting your husband in an unsustainable position if nothing changes. What alternatives have you discussed? You have a happy life but he is miserable, so if you're not prepared to support him in this what else could you do?

What is the best that could happen if you were to go?
What is the best that could happen if you stay?

You're now saying he loves work but is also frustrated, finds it very stressful and tiring and it's having a bad effect on your marriage and his mental health... it doesn't sound like he's loving it right now. If you tell him moving abroad is not an option and he can't take the promotion, can you guarantee you won't then get upset if he decides on giving up his job for something much less niche and skilled? You seem pretty set on maintaining your PT hours and SAHM life which you love. So are you prepared to massively downsize and cut back? There's got to be compromise somewhere?

Is he not working at finding other opportunities in places your family as a whole would like to be. To get opportunities you have to look for them, whatever your occupation.

Fascinated to know what he does for a living now. Some kind of very impressive surgery? A sporting thing?

Ok so based on your latest post it seems that his career is more important to both of you than his participation in family life.

In that case, he could move there by himself for 6 months as a trial, then depending on how that goes you could all join him there for another 6 month trial. But keep your house and rent it out in case you want to move back.