To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Would your parents be able to come to begin with for a few months as you settle in?

To be honest I think you are being unsupportive here and I would go for it. However I have always known if DH was to get a job that was abroad we would go.

No way would I go. But then I'd not be in a position where I was beholden to a man's wage.

DH chooses a job he loves even if it stresses him and is so niche it effectively has little opportunity.

He needs a reality check if he expects his family to relocate on his whim.

Suggest a different scenario where he looks for a different career and you work more too to maintain something like your current lifestyle without moving and losing all your support networks.

He might love his work, but he doesn't love his job.

If you say no to this move, something else needs to change. If you insist he keeps doing what he does, he is going to burn out. At which point, he won't be able to do any work at all and your lifestyle is going to have to change anyway.

So... what are you prepared to change?

Can he work for a smaller company (which will pay less but might be less toxic)? Can he stay where he is but go part time?

If you don't even consider the move and/or an alternative, you're being very selfish indeed. Something has got to give before he breaks.

Well you should be a team and work the options out together. He is not happy in his current role so something needs to give. Either he moves to another role/takes a pay cut and you pick up the slack (but you say this is not something either of you want to do) or you allow him to progress in his career. The status quo is working for you but not for him. In your shoes I'd definitely move. Life's too short not to give something like that a try and the kids would love it. But if you don't want to then work with him to find another solution.

HAGUE CONVENTION ALARM BELLS 🚨😂😬

If he is stressed out and working all hours with no time, and unable to manage his mental health in the role he has now, how is this going to be a viable way to build a happy family life if he takes up an even more pressured job in a completely new place?

OP could end up incredibly isolated and vulnerable. He needs, at least, to acknowledge this.

Their set up only works now because she has her parents, and his, and friends close to hand.

If it is just for 3 years could he go on his own, with OP and kids taking long visits for the first year to see if it could be workable?

OP sorry, you did say the ages. Perfect time for them to move and learn about the world. I presume it's not CAR or anywhere with problem diseases. I think you're being a wuss, but if you're more attached to your kids, current lifestyle and your ma and locality, then you both need to find other people.

I've been in that position as the high earner. My OP enabled me to fly and it benefitted us all.

If he is the only one working and you won’t work more and he’s passionate about what he does, then I think it’s only fair you support him, as it sounds like he’s done you in your choice not to have a career.

My career is very important to me. My dh has bent over backwards for me. He’s cut his hours and taken on sole parenting for 3 days a week when I have to work away. It’s meant I can follow my dreams. He also has a career he loves (but it’s more flexible and closer to home, I have no option to do my work near home as there are no jobs for me here). I think in a partnership, you both have to sacrifice for each other’s dreams. You can do what you want anywhere (and still travel to visit friends and family, etc), but if he can’t do what he wants anywhere and is the main earner, I think it’s right to support him, all other things being fine (like he isn’t an abusive controlling jerk). What an adeventure for your children too. I would jump at the chance! Sadly, my dh runs a very successful business that means we can’t move away (why I do all the traveling instead), but if he was a SAHP, yes, I totally would.

My siblings and I were uprooted several times and had no choice (of course). It was alright for Dad - he just went to work and we never saw him - but I will never forgive him for the strain that he placed on my mother and on us, his children.

It was hard building a new life in a strange place only to be uprooted again a few years down the line.

Now retired, my father bitterly regrets the sacrifices that his family had to make in order for him to succeed in his career. All that ladder-climbing seems pointless and selfish, as well as doing nothing for his mental health at the time. A better work-life balance would have suited him much better, with hindsight.

The problem is that it's very likely you wouldn't see him at all if you emigrated, because he'd be so keen to make it work that his work now would seem part-time. You'd be the one stuck in another country with no friends or family. Your children would have to cope with new schools and friendships. Everyone would suffer except him.

Going against the tide here ...but what job is it that he can’t progress in uk but can In oz
I moved from one end of uk to another for my dh job.
Only for him to be just as miserable in the new job ,because he couldn’t settle in the new area.
7 years before it felt like home ..still dosnt some days.
I’d give anything to live near family for support..

3-5 years really is not long in the scheme of things. It will fly by. Sounds as if it's the next step in his life and career and you should support him, for his sake but also for the sake of your marriage and r'ship. You can arrange visits with family and friends. You can rent out your house via letting agents and get some income from that. Then you can come back to it at the end of your time abroad. I think it will really open up your life in ways you probably can't imagine right now!

It's not an option for you to work more and him to work less because you 'love being at home and having a part time role?' Sorry I think that's ridiculous. You're moaning about having to leave your lovely life here but you're not willing to step up to find a solution to allow you to stay here? Poor show.

I wouldn't go. Take your kids to another country for 5 years and they will not want to leave. That will be their home then. What if the opportunity was extended even further? Now you are torn between staying and being permanently the other side of the world from your ageing parents, splitting the family up or forcing your dh to leave a job he now loves. Of course if he decided to fight you he may be able to prevent you from bringing his kids home. I know there's a possibility you would live it but for me it's a risk I wouldn't take.

I am so sorry at how gloomy that sounds but these were my first thoughts having watched a couple of friends move abroad with work.

Like the assumption on here it must be Australia - it is just as likely to be HK or Singapore surely, neither of which I would fancy moving to with young DC.

Also I am concerned about the OP's statement that the marriage is in trouble because she is not paying H enough attention and spending too much time with the DC. Those sound like the words of a very selfish man to me. I'd be really cautious about uprooting yourself and DC. I agree with the idea that he goes on ahead for a year and you reassess the position then.

It’s not up to you to enable him to live his dream.

It's not up to DH to enable OP to live her dream either is it?

If you don't want to go OP then don't go. Your husband could go on his own or maybe he could leave his job here, you could downsize and both get full time jobs, but something that is less onerous for your DH and lets him get more balance in his life?

Just stop being so selfish. Why don't you try working crazy hours with no time to relax and then see how lovely your life is.

His career is the only thing that matters? He would still be working crazy hours in Oz but the OP and DC will have no support network and no regular relationship with their DGPs/families.

OP: There are endless pros and cons to moving abroad for work with children but nothing on earth would make me move to the other side of the world as a SAHP in an unhappy marriage to the extent you live seperate lives.

If his career is the most important thing in his life then let him go on his own. As a SAHP in a foreign country if the marriage turns worse you are far more vulnerable than a married SAHP where you have independent rights of residency and parental responsibility.

If the marriage is over its better to let it go - your problems won't disappear because your DH has moved up another section of the greasy pole.

I'd go, but I'd put a time limit on it: one year (or whatever you jointly agree). He still gets his career boost, you get to be supportive without entirely giving up your life.

Sound like your DH is allowing you to live without working while he shoulders the work, stress, long hours etc.
Sounds to me like you need to support him having a better work life balance - or he might burn out and your current lifestyle is up the spout.

and she is lucky she has a lovely life due to him working like he does, surely?

Plenty of women on MN are miserable because their husband works long hours. I'm sure OP is contributing by taking care of the kids physical and emotional needs. Her DH isn't there for school runs or bedtime because he's pursuing his niche job.

or they could stay heren he could jack in his job entirely and do the every day grind with the kids and OP could go out and be 'selfish' by working ridiculous hours to earn the money to keep them in house, food and all the luxuries they can currently afford

Or they could find a middle ground like the majority of us who don't uproot our family to the other side of the world because the husband is stressed out by work.

His job is along the lines of a vocation, rather than being a businessman. He truly loves it. He hasn’t given me any ultimatums saying he will go without me. If I don’t want to go then he will plod on here.

To be clear, you have a high earning husband, and even if he works long hours, 2 of your 3 kids are in school, your mum helps a lot, you have a cleaner and someone to help with the ironing.

He is as far as he can go in his career, has been miserable for two years.

Of course you don't want your life to change, it's very comfortable! YABU. Maybe it doesn't have to be the move overseas, but SOMETHING has to change, and it will probably require some time that is less comfortable for you.

I'm with Smellbow. The current situation is untenable. You need either to cut back financially, work more to allow him to change careers, move, or get divorced. You can't demand that he stay miserable and nothing change.

Also, jobs aren't just about money--careers, real careers, are also about your identity, your priorities, shaping the world, challenging yourself, and self-satisfaction. You say you don't understand this, but you seem to get the same from your role as mother. So imagine someone stood in the way of you having kids. How would you feel then? (It's not the same, I know, but if you can't feel empathy without the metaphor, try it.)

I think it is totally ok not to want to move. It's not selfish. The benefit in this case is that there is a set time. Maybe that can be negotiated to be less than 3 years?

Moving abroad can be great or it can be terrible. There are factors that you can effect. I think the discussion should be that would your life be different? Would he suddenly have shorter work days? Would he be less stressed out? Or would it be same crap in different continent? I'm my very limited experience usually when a person is headhunted abroad they work longer and harder to justify the expense. Unless this is 'location instead of expat.