To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Surely the only possible job opportunity is not Australia. Has he genuinely exhausted the other options? Look at some of the threads here from unhappy expats. You’d be well and truly stuck if you hated it.

coco - the question you need to ask yourself is, are you sure his being “very down” over the last few years is really down to his current job? It’s easy to blame staff shortages / boredom at work etc for a low mood, but could it be that this state of mind comes from something deeper? In which case, he will simply carry it with him into the next role?

Could you say to him that if he really thinks this new role will reduce his stress and improve his mindset, then you are happy to move. But what you don’t want is more of the same - being blamed for focusing on the DC (which you will have to do in a new country), but in an unfamiliar place.

If you are respecting his role and prepared to take your DC around the world for it, he has to respect your role too (and not guilt trip you for focusing on your children).

Temporary? Ha! If the job goes well, it may be a life time, especially if the job is niche. How is he going to find such a nice job back at their home city after he is much higher in the career ladder?

I don't see how you would be able to support him if he's not around to be a team with you. It's damn hard being the sole parent when you're expected to be grateful to the one fulfiling his career dreams. It's him that wants to do the job. Would he consider stepping back and creating an equal partership? How does he cope with sole care of the kids for extended times?

Our marriage issues have been down to me being unsupportive of him and not very caring as I focused on the kids.

Oh, bollocks to that.
Someone has to focus on the kids if the other is totally focused on a demanding job.

If you move abroad, he will be even more focused on the job as he feels the need to prove himself and you will be even more focused on the kids as you attempt to settle them - and that's a process of years, not weeks.

If your focus on the kids is what is causing issues in the marriage, moving abroad will only serve to widen those cracks until they break. Emigration is not for a troubled marriage of any severity.

The stress at the moment comes from understaffing and internal politics which makes for a toxic environment / morale which he has no power to do anything about
I've been there and it is absolutely hell. Its made worse when you oh is enjoying their lives and your family depends on you. It almost broke me completely. If I'd had an opportunity for a better work life balance abroad and my partner had said no way I'm going with it because my life is perfect as is, I am certain resentment would have killed all the love I had for them.

OP, you sound like a bit of a wet lettuce to be honest.

Why do you need so much help with the children? They’re at an ideal stage to move. As you are.

I was in the same situation and I went. I love it here and have no plans to return ‘home’. I know my husband would have resented it if we wouldn’t have gone. BUT, that’s it. I’m done moving. I told dh if he wants to relocate again he’d have to commute, I had no intention of pulling ds out of a great school where could (and has) gone there from Grade 1-12. I made it very clear if he wanted to relocate again I wasn’t going with him (or at least until ds graduated And if we were moving somewhere really good!)

It does depend where in the world you are talking about, in my imagination he’s been offered the chance to be an astronaut , but as an old gimmer I would say go for it!
My now adult children are rather envious of all the expat well travelled people they meet, often fluent in another language, and even my friend who went to Oz for 5 years with her lot( at much the same age yours) has no regrets 15 years on. They slotted back in with friends and school like they’d never been away

(

And, again, to those saying "go for it, it's not forever grin grin grin" - Australia will not allow the OP to bring the children home again unless her husband agrees. So, it's not 3-5 years. It's however long OP's husband feels like staying. That could be forever and there would be nothing she could do to have her children returned to the UK. Indeed, the very second those children set foot on Australian soil, they are stuck until the husband grants permission to leave.

You said it yourself- it's causing him strain and tension in the marriage. I wouldn't want my OH to work crazy hours and if he is that stressed I would want to work out how to avoid this. Maybe not necessarily moving to the other side of the world tho- could you find work and help invest some of this money he makes- do you need a cleaner and an ironing lady if you don't work? This could free up some cash for better investments. Ultimately though, you state he loves his work so if that means the only option is to move then you really have to consider it.
I moved 5 hours away from family and friends for my OH but the job wasn't better paid- we still struggled and I was lonely. Better pay would have helped and we had a strong support network. But it was hard.

What does your OH want to do? Are you willing to do it for him. In 3 years would you have a better quality of life?

You have a lovely life and he doesn’t. Maybe tome to swap that around for 3-5 years?

It’s jot like he can take a step back at work give you’re not earning much.

The DH sounds selfish. So focussed on pursuing his 'dream' that he works ridiculous hours thus neglecting his kids. Good job he's got a capable wife with a good support network. She won't have that on the other side of the world but he'll be free to work as many hours as he likes pursuing his dream whilst OP picks up the slack. He might take them to the beach on a Sunday but OP will have the every day grind to cope with. And 3 to 5 years is a very long time when you're miserable in a foreign country.

OK might love it but it's a huge risk to take when you have young kids.

I'd tell him that now he's got a family he needs to look for another line of work. Or tell his current employees he won't be working ridiculous hours any more.

Why is ‘dream’ in quote marks

Come on a miserable job is awful for anyone

AstridLindgren and she is lucky she has a lovely life due to him working like he does, surely?

It works both ways.

We're all assuming it's Australia but is it? Different issues with certain other countries but seeing as you haven't worried about how your kids are going to adapt, how women are treated etc I assume it's not one of those? OP you a re being selfish but every single person here would have the same thoughts whether they'll admit it or not. As for getting help from your mum does nobody else here get help from family? Given OP works outside the home th a t might require a family member to step in, or maybe she has other issues, or maybe she doesn't. Some very snipey people on here!!

I would ask why you won't get at least a pt job. Yabu op im afraid....Australia sounds amazing.

@AstridLindgren or they could stay heren he could jack in his job entirely and do the every day grind with the kids and OP could go out and be 'selfish' by working ridiculous hours to earn the money to keep them in house, food and all the luxuries they can currently afford. Sounds like he might leap at the chance tbh.

YANBU

He chooses to do a job which necessitates "crazy hours" and makes him stressed. He doesn't have enough time to rest or spend quality time with his family. If his well-being and family life were important to him, he could look for another job - a career change, a relocation within the UK, there are lots of options which don't involve moving a long way overseas. I think the two of you need to talk through all the options and consider the needs of everyone in the family - including but not only him.

And fuck this narrative about his unhappiness being your fault for not supporting him enough because you've been focused on the kids. Someone has to be! He's not focused on them, is he? He's focused on his career.

To find a way forward on this I suggest the two of you consider couple's counselling, discuss the issues that you've had over the last few years and not just this question about a big move. Will it make things better or worse? What are all the options?

Oh and consider posting in relationships because you've had the predictable unsupportive responses here in AIBU 🙄

Who picks up the financial slack while he does a career change?

Yeah, you go to Oz you're not coming back!

You have a lovely lifestyle with a cleaner and ironing person and hobbies etc because he is funding it! He obviously doesn't have a lovely lifestyle!

You need to have a long conversation and weigh up all the pros and cons here. If you don't go, will your marriage break down because he has some kind of nervous breakdown? On the other hand, if you get there and are miserable, it's not as easy to pop home than if it was, say, Spain.

malificent7, op says that she has always worked part time in her first post.

So I said earlier you should just go. But if the marriage is on the rocks, do not do it. Like picsinred says, if the marriage breaks up overseas, you are really in the shit.

If the marriage is fundamentally solid, then I still think you should try. You may have networks and schools and a job, but you can build these overseas as well.

malificent7 OP has a pt job

DH sounds like a penis. Who gives a fuck what his career goals are. He can't see the wood for the trees. The stress of work is 100% self generated. If he doesn't have the skills to be able to manage himself appropriately he shouldn't be working in that job.

He is missing out on his kids, his wife, his friends and any chance of a hobby or anything else to give his life meaning.

Work is utterly pointless, they will replace him in 5 minutes and give it 3 months, no one will remember who he was or what he did.

Let me put it this way. If he brought in say £25k a year but everything else was the same i.e. the stress, the hours, would you be feeling pressured to "support" him OP? Of course not. You'd tell him he was being a fucking idiot and to get his head out of his arse.