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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/06/2019 19:09

I’m not sure where people get the marriage is rocky from, did I miss a post? The op sounds quite caring - except for this one area where she is being monumentally selfish! The kids will be fine. The op says she has a brilliant life so she is hardly ground down by the shitwork, and she doesn’t want to get a full time job herself and start juggling childcare. You should go op. Talk to your husband about booking a home help etc for a few hours (if the kids aren’t all in school) so you can go to the shops without your mum there.

TanMateix · 01/06/2019 19:11

Most of the friends I made as a expat are now divorced, the ones that are ok are those were the wife...

  • managed to keep her career,
  • was happy pottering on her own, or
  • had a nanny and/or some good friends.
sweeneytoddsrazor · 01/06/2019 19:12

I certainly do not have contempt fir SAHM or those that work PT. But OP has said about how they have a lovely life, but she also says, her DH works crazy hours, is stressed with no time for hobbies and would like to work less hours. So actually as OP herself has said DP thinks she has a lovely life but he is unhappy with his. It wouldn't be selfish of OP to refuse to move abroad, but it would be selfish of her to expect him to continue as he is. A compromise could be her working more hours enabling him to work less and maybe having some time to enjoy life as well.

PinaColadaPlease · 01/06/2019 19:12

You appear to be focusing on the negatives.

3-5 years is quite a short period of time, especially when family can afford to visit. My children’s school have children that have returned from stints abroad and there appear to be no issues reintegrating, one actually joined the same class of children thy she left 3 years earlier!

If both sets of parents would visit and you could afford to maybe come home during th the long school holiday, I think you would potentially be missing out on a great adventure!

PicsInRed · 01/06/2019 19:12

he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us

^This is the indication of a marriage not on solid footing. Should the move not be a magic elixir for hubby's happiness, OP could find herself in a very difficult situation, immigration and Hague Convention wise.

feelingsinister · 01/06/2019 19:13

The OP has as much right not to want to move as her husband has the right to want to. Obviously it's something they'll have to resolve but I think it's just as selfish to expect her and the kids to follow him.

As for the fucking vipers on here that are saying that she has to follow him as he's earning the money, what a load of fucking bullshit. She's raising three kids with what appears to be very limited support from her husband because of his job. A job he couldn't do if she wasn't available 24/7 for their children.

Lllot5 · 01/06/2019 19:15

I wouldn’t go. There’s no guarantee he’d be any less stressed or happier. Plus you’d be miles away from everyone and everything you’ve ever known.
Doesn’t sound as if he does much at home( not his fault, doesn’t have the time) so I’d be suggesting he goes on his own.
Some people are workaholics and he may be the same in any new job and you’d be on your own miles from home.

TanMateix · 01/06/2019 19:15

@timeisnotaline She is not monumentally selfish, she has as many rights as him to choose the life she wants to live unless you are implying the wife has to always support a man and ignore her own needs?

ReturnofSaturn · 01/06/2019 19:16

People need to remember the legalities of moving abroad with children too.

Yes it may only be for a few years, but what if in that time the OP and her husband split up or the OP wanted to return to live in the UK but the husband said no? And that he wouldn't let her take the children back to the UK to live?

I think this is something you need as you need to research a bit more.

1moremum · 01/06/2019 19:16

IT sounds like this isn't really a choice as the alternative is his career coming to a halt. Even if he weren't so interested in the goal of reaching the top, that is a risky strategy.

As someone who has made that move, I would encourage you to go for it. When they are grown, having lived overseas in another culture will have been a wonderful thing for your kids.

Treat the whole thing as an extended holiday, although one on which the kids have to go to school. But, within the rules of the school system, do all the interesting things within easy reach. Don't over commit to a house and create the need to go to all the effort of furnishing it. Rent the minimum and move on to experiencing the place you live.

if your extended family can afford to come visit, make sure you have room for guests and as soon as you know the kids school schedule, start booking visitors to come over and experience the place with you. Additionally, if this career pays well enough, commit in advance for your trips home, even if it is only you and the children. Both hosting and traveling home predictably breaks the whole thing up into what might be more bearable chunks of time for you to be away from home.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 19:16

The company has said they can help me get a job if I want. Our marriage issues have been down to me being unsupportive of him and not very caring as I focused on the kids. That is why I am very aware that failure on my part again to support his dreams could be damaging

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 01/06/2019 19:17

Probably wont go as he knows I don't want to

And then there will be a resentment.... If it doesn't work out, you can come back..... Your not selling your soul Hmm

starsinyourpies · 01/06/2019 19:17

Perhaps you could work more to relieve his stress?

R4ch4el · 01/06/2019 19:18

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all for having reservations about uprooting your whole life, especially as you are so happy. I think in your situation I would be strongly considering it if it’s really his dream job and not likely to come up again, I’d probably feel guilty being happy with him so miserable. I think you owe it to each other to fully explore all the options with an open-mind, e.g. if he did take the job, how might that work? If he doesn’t take it, what can change to make him happier here? Hope you figure out a solution that works for the whole family.

combatbarbie · 01/06/2019 19:19

Our marriage issues have been down to me being unsupportive of him and not very caring as I focused on the kids

So happy for him to be unhappy as long as he keeps bringing the money in. You are not selling yourself in this thread OP......

BenWillbondsPants · 01/06/2019 19:21

Well OP, if things have been difficult for years, something needs to change. Whatever form that takes is up to you as a family. Good luck whatever you decide.

Jimjamjong · 01/06/2019 19:22

I wouldn't as it's a big upheaval for the kids and I say that as someone who has moved a lot, however there are perhaps other ways to help him get more free time?

mbosnz · 01/06/2019 19:23

Hi, I've just done it, moving from New Zealand to the UK.

It's understandable you have serious reservations. Ultimately you need to have some very difficult conversations, and I would suggest you both look at the worst case scenarios, rather than assuming that the best case scenario would ensue. For example, we thought that some of the work tensions would be reduced by coming over here, that was part of the aim. Hasn't happened. Sometimes all that happens is same shit, different country.

It's okay to consider the impact on you and your children... My MIL did it from UK to NZ, and she said that it would be hardest for me. She wasn't wrong!

Having said that, my kids (lots older than yours) at a very challenging stage, have adapted and thrived. Somehow, weirdly, I think they're happier over here, than they were over there.

You both really need to be very open and honest (and respectful) about each others viewpoint and concerns. Because if you do it, you need to have each others back, and you need to be supportive through the hard and challenging times. And if you really think you cannot do it - then you cannot do it. This is NOT a small ask.

Lllot5 · 01/06/2019 19:23

Oh op that’s not a good reason for going. Focusing on the kids is what you’re supposed to be doing.
Definitely don’t go. It’s not up to you to enable him to live his dream.
If he wants to go he can go on his own.

SmellMySmellbow · 01/06/2019 19:23

Your options, realistically, are:

  1. you all move abroad for 3-5 years
  2. you support him in getting a different lower paid job with shorter hours and live more frugally
  3. you support him in getting a different lower paid job with shorter hours and find more work yourself so that income remains the same.
  4. you call it quits on the marriage, find work and focus on just yourself and the kids.
ShellieEllie · 01/06/2019 19:23

If it's only going to be a temporary move go for it! See it as an adventure. Could it mean the children learning a second language? I think that would give them a real advantage in later life.

TanMateix · 01/06/2019 19:24

OP, it is not only about being self sufficient. I am extremely self sufficient and so were my friends, it was still very difficult.

My most self sufficient friend did something we could only judge but admire in private. She and her husband went back home for a holiday and agreed she will travel back 2 weeks after him. On the week she was due to travel back he got a divorce petition in the post.

Forget about the gossip and the pearl clutching. I so much wished I had her courage Smile

The fact he never thought of joining her back at home, made me realise what she knew: She was wasting her life being miserable abroad with a man who only cared about his career and nothing much else.

mylaptopismylapdog · 01/06/2019 19:24

If it is what he has been working towards and will mean a better way of life for all of you in the long run then you should go. He will be grateful and you and the children will benefit from learning about somewhere new. You may be able to afford to get help with the house and the kids. It will take adjustment but help you and the kids to be more adaptable and resilient and give you a new perspective. I have done this once with kids and once without and on the whole think the whole family benefitted. Some relatives had trips they won’t ever forget and the kids did things at school they wouldn’t have done here, they also like traveling so have been confident enough to visit the places that interest them.

SilverySurfer · 01/06/2019 19:25

Perhaps he will say it's his time to be a SAHD and for you to go and find a job to keep you in the style to which you have become accustomed courtesy of him working? No doubt your DM would still help with the DC and he could keep the cleaner and ironing person.

CapybarasLoveCake · 01/06/2019 19:26

Well we did it after much anxiety on my part and we had an absolute blast. First time we really spent quality time as a family (dh also worked v long hours) and culturally very enriching for all of us.
Warm location, pools, lovely locals. Education a bit rubbish but back in UK in time for secondary school and everyone settled back in. Kids still talk about the time away. Yes my career suffered but it was anyway with pt work and young family. Now I’m working on getting a small business set up.
Go, it’s not forever and your life (and family) in uk will wait for you.