To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP, actually being an expat takes guts and drive. If you don't have either of them then I think it is best you don't go.

If you don't have either of them then I think it is best you don't go.

I don’t get the need to be nasty here. If she doesn’t want to go she doesn’t want to go. It’s not some kind of moral failing.

Personally I do not think a 3 - 5 year contract Overseas, whilst retaining your UK property constitutes 'emigrating'

Personally I do not think a 3 - 5 year contract Overseas, whilst retaining your UK property constitutes 'emigrating'

Maybe/maybe not. It’s an awfully long time to be unhappy though, regardless of what you call it.

Op, you’ve had a lot of criticism from pp because you don’t want to move away from your family but there’s nothing wrong with your desire to stay put. I think you need to tell DH that you understand that this may mean the end of the relationship if he feels he can’t refuse his dream job but you have to do what is right for you. You can’t change who you are and neither can he. You need your family around you to be happy. He doesn’t. Neither of you are bad people or wrong but it does sound like you have become incompatible as a couple.

I agree with Lweji but also Marsha, it's such a weird thread with the selective responses and little drip feeds with just enough extra info to keep the circular discussion going.

FWIW I dont think there's anything wrong with an adult wanting to be near your mum (and other family). I don't need to see my mum but I want to. There's not a snowball's chance in hell that I'd move to Australia, literally the other side of the world, and not be able to see my family.

It is hard to see him unhappy. And so tired all the time

That sentence alone recognises that your DH needs to make a change of some description - it certainly doesn't need to be moving to Australia- but if he can't progress in his current position, and that's clearly important to him, you ARE going to have to do something.

From what you've said, moving to a new location, perhaps in the UK, may be necessary. Or, he can step back and take something lower-paid, which will result in a lower standard of living. Either way, something needs to happen to prevent him burning out. As PP's have said, you're a partnership, so if one partner is unhappy, the other should help them find a solution. If you ignore his unhappiness, it''ll fester and things could go really wrong.

Slow-building resentment is v. toxic, it can result in a bitter divorce (one of my friends went through one and was amazed how angry her DH was over issues she'd ignored :-(

earlier she said her DH was stressed as the working environment had toxic internal politics and was perpetually understaffed which of course is stressful for anyone
most work place stress comes from things other than the actual work
personality clashes, skivers, gossip, mis -management underfunding of either staff or equipment; being expected to do 2 peoples work and being on message 24/7 , bullying pressure to lie and hide serious faults etc etc
I think OP wants a magic wand to fix the problem at DH's current workplace to be honest so probably does DH, but this does not seem high likely
There needs to be a compromise somewhere
OH like everyone else should have a lovely life but not at the expense of someone else's happiness or MH.

OH like everyone else should have a lovely life but not at the expense of someone else's happiness or MH.

Sure, but it’s not reasonable for anyone to make happiness and health entirely dependent on moving to Australia

Thanks everyone. I don’t want anyone to feel like they’re going round in circles so I probably have all the advice I need now.

To me , moving to Australia be it for 5 years or permanently, is a huge decision and has to be one where both partners are on board, bit like whether one partner wants another child and the other doesn't. I don't blame OP not wanting to go there, I wouldn't want to. I couldn't imagine being so far away from family, I certainly couldn't go now, as my elderly DM has moved closer to us since DF died last year. But even before then I would have struggled, and I didn't see my parents as regularly as OP currently does.

OP is not indifferent to her DH's stress, but the feeling I get is that if they go to Australia DH's stress may reduce (though no guarantees the same issues that apply at his current job won't be there at his new job, the grass is not always greener) but the OP's will increase, so they won't be better off as a partnership.

Not everyone likes sun and beaches. Where we live people tend to be split between surfers and walkers, we as a family are most definitely on the side of walkers. DH also grumbles as soon as the temperature gets to a certain level.

I think OP and her DH need to sit down and see what can be done to improve DH's position. Also try and work out what the next step would be if they did go to Australia, are there any guarantees that DH would be able to get any jobs in his niche industry once the Australian contract had finished? If there is no guarantee, would it be a good idea to see if he could branch out anyway. It appears from the OP that he wasn't always in this niche industry, so it might not mean he has to retrain.

Another consideration for me would be that if they do go for 5 years, their oldest child would then be in the secondary school system, and would that be more problematic when they return to the UK?

I also get the impression that DH has always relied on OP to provide/organise childcare when he travels abroad with his job, and all the long hours he does (OP says he rarely gets home for bedtime) If the long hours and travelling still has to continue if he goes to Australia, I assume he will still be expecting OP to do this, so I assume this may impact her choice of work she could do, especially as she doesn't have the same support network as she currently does.

If you were to go, it is imperative you go with a positive outlook. This is obviously lacking.
I suggest DH starts actively looking & puts feelers out for other options, he needs a change, it won't be instant.
Tell him to go on his own if he needs to, you understand, & don't want to hold him back.
Your whole life may take a big nose dive if that happens. Its a calculated risk you have to take

I think you and your DH have completely different needs and drivers. You like security, closeness to family and a lot of support around you and are averse to change. Your DH likes the challenge and stimulation of professional success and is interested in stretching himself somewhere new. So far you have each enabled the other to meet those needs.
I don't think you have the right mindset to move. If you regard it as a tragedy rather than an opportunity the DC will see it like that too.

OP - I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to move to Australia. However are you prepared to move elsewhere?

I am happy with my little life!

Maybe, but if you don't go, you'll be alone in that life without him. It is an amazing opportunity and from all the opportunities it will give you, your husband and kids you'd be a fool not to take it but only if you stop being so utterly negative and go in with an open mind.

However I am 99.9% sure you won't go. Such a pity.

I think what's stopping you is that deep down you know, or are convinced, that his attitude towards work and the family will be the same there. And you'll be more alone than in the UK.

This is not being sold like an adventure for the family, but a fix for his life and his career.

Are there any promises of time spent with his family? Has he shown concern about your misgivings?
From what you've been saying, OP, it seems he either dismisses or criticises your attitude towards the move, while doing very little self analysis.

Things can go horribly wrong there and ending up alone in the UK close to your family is way better than alone stuck in Australia with no family and friends.

If you didn't have children, I'd be the first to say go.

I have following this thread and I think it is important that at least one parent is an advocate for the DC. In this situation, that's obviously OP. In an ideal world both parents would look at all the costs and benefits to the whole family before coming to a decision about something as drastic as moving to Australia, but if one parent is 100% focused on their career then someone needs to consider e.g. schooling for the eldest, what would happen if the marriage broke up etc.

I could relocate abroad for work quite easily and so could DH but we are both niche and neither of us would want to wreck the other's career. And it would certainly not be best for DD. Most small DC need stability more than adventure.

Anyway, good luck, OP and I hope the thread was of some use despite the pile on to part time workers with cleaners...

It wasn’t a pile on, it was incredulity that someone with such an easy life would describe themselves as “supermum”. It’s hugely insulting to those women with three children who work full time without a cleaner or ironing person. Nothing wrong with being privileged but at least acknowledge it.

Thanks - Lweji I think you have got it exactly on the head. He can’t understand how I can’t see it as an adventure. The idea of tearing the kids away from their school, friends, GPS, pets, home to go somewhere the other side of the world, and daddy still being at work / traveling. I just don’t see how I could make it seem ok for them. We once looked at houses outside London when no 3 was on the way and they didn’t care about having their own rooms, big garden, trampoline, treehouse, all that stuff people tell themselves kids would want - they just said they like our little house and their shared room and wouldn’t want to go anywhere. I know it’s not up to them, however I don’t buy into it being better for kids as maybe they could swim at the beach after school. It’s not like we live in a tower block with no green space here. They are always outside and running round.

My good friend has just been left by her DH - total shock out of nowhere to her. And she said the only thing that made it at all bearable was the kids staying in their own home (they’re lucky they can do so), keep going to school, keep doing their clubs, she has her job and coffee mornings etc. so life has changed hugely but their is some security in the fact that routine stays the same.

People need to stop assuming it's just going to be a temporary contract. If DH decided he wanted to stay, it could end up being much longer unless OP is willing to come home without her kids.

Most small DC need stability more than adventure
Definitely don't agree with that. Many kids would love the adventure and getting to adjust in a new environment could help them build resilience. The youngest one 3iykd not know any different.

I get the feeling that the main aspect OP is fearing is to loose her support and finding herself looking after her 3 kids on her own.

IMO the kids would thrive over & above school in London, Just tell him out loud, "I am not going". don't weave a whole blanket of covering it up excuses.game.
Tell him you can't, but he can. You don't want to see him miserable, stressed or ill, you understand that this is his DREAM job, & really have no right to stand in his way, given that you could support him to support yourself
& wait & see if your life comes crashing down. as I said, its a gamble but its your game.

I'm still quite incredulous that someone can paint 2 such opposing pictures - that of her life and that of her husband's life - and not see the need to do anything to change it.

To me it just comes across as " I'm alright Jack, pull the ladder up".

Again, the story of the house move - the children apparently not bothered by a bigger house and bigger garden but happy to stay sharing a bedroom? Are they? Are they really? Do you think they will be so happy when they are teenagers and need their own space? Or is the truth that OP didn't want to move away from her security blanket and so presented the move in such a way that the children would opt to stay put?