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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 16:59

Tough posts re the dh here - it is damn hard to just switch career or to just get rid of what drives you

I do think this thread would be very different if it was the dh working two days and the wohp getting the big chance after working miserably for years

SnuggyBuggy · 04/06/2019 16:59

I don't get the logic that because it's a different part of the world it's automatically going to be an amazing cultural adventure. Don't all countries have their boring suburban parts?

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 17:01

So do I @Marshabradyo, the misandry on MN never fails to blow my mind.

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 17:02

Lweji

Ordinarily, I would agree with you. If the DH could get a job anywhere, but decided that he just wants to move to another country then yes, that's selfish.

In this case, although it seems odd, apparently there is no other option for work other than where he is now or Australia so it seems the options are

Australia
Stay in his current job
Leave with no job

Given that OP says his current job has made him ill for 2 years and she fears him getting worse, is staying in his current job an option?

Also, why portray OP as having made a huge sacrifice in staying home so that DH can develop his career? It sounds as though OP has developed exactly the life that she wants - she doesn't want a career or to work full time, she says so herself. So it's hardly a sacrifice that she has given up full time work is it? It's exactly what she wants.

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 17:06

Well, one of you isn't going to be able to have what they want.
Now the two of you get to decide who that's going to be.
Then all of you get to live with the consequences, both positive and negative.

Is pretty much what it boils down to, isn't it? Smile Good luck.

ittakes2 · 04/06/2019 17:10

I’m sorry but I think you are being selfish - your marriage has had problems because he is unhappy in his job....and you want him to keep doing a job he is not happy with so you can keep your nice life style? It’s unlikely you will be keeping your nice lifestyle if you don’t support him and end up breaking up.

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 17:12

Agree with Merdebrexit and last poster. OP. You are behaving very 'precious '

SEsofty · 04/06/2019 17:12

Unfortunately sometimes in life there isn’t a win win situation.

He wants to go. You don’t. Go= you miserable

You want the status quo. He doesn’t. Stay = him miserable and stressed.

So you need to come up with a third way solution which probably involves you working more to take more responsibility for earning so that he can reduce hours or responsibilities to a lower stress job

MerdedeBrexit · 04/06/2019 17:13

Is the new job definitely in Oceania? Because that would be hugely different from, say, Singapore or a Gulf country. And if it's in Vancouver, then definitely go for it! Grin

Puddingmama2017 · 04/06/2019 17:15

Ffs it’s not ‘precious’ to not want to uproot the whole family and move across the world.

DH wants to stay in this job. OP has said she would prefer he took a less stressful job HERE. He’s got it into his head that the only option is moving the whole family to Australia. His happiness is NOT OP’s responsibility. She would only be selfish to insist he didn’t go.

rrg1 · 04/06/2019 17:20

Lots of good advice, but I can't see why everyone is so invested in this thread when the OP has been so obtuse, 27 pages before disclosing the country, and then so selective in replies.
Is it me?

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 17:22

Rrgi. Yes. I have made a few comments, one to adk why it to her her so long to disclose. Precious lady

FurryGiraffe · 04/06/2019 17:22

Emigrating is a stressful situation for everyone even if everyone is on board (placing the family and marriage under strain) and moving your children's permanent residence to Australia is deeply problematic if you subsequently split up and want to come home with the children. Thus surely the starting point here is that you don't uproot yourself and your three young children to follow your husband permanently to the other side of the world, away from all family and friends, unless your marriage is rock solid. From what the OP has said in this and other threads, this marriage is not rock solid.

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 17:23

Pudding. Her behaviour throughout this tread comes across as v precious and immature'.

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 17:25

Rg1. No it's no you . I agree.

Frusty · 04/06/2019 17:26

I love the idea that the dh is willing to take a step back and get a less stressful job here, if the OP increases her hours. Someone carving out a role in a career so niche they need to move to Australia for promotion, does not sound like a man desperate to dial back his working life.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 17:27

But, according to the OP

A lot of DH’s stress comes from the guilt he feels at being at work a lot.

If this is true, it's hardly the job that's toxic. It's his choice of work.
It seems that the job in Australia would still involve travel, and I bet he'd still work the long hours. For what?

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 17:28

Of all the suggestions making him completely change direction to something he doesn’t love just so the op’s life doesn’t change sounds the worst

All that work for what? start at the bottom in what exactly - it’s not easy to do

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 17:29

Oh come on it’s so contradictory! Is it guilt or politics?
I’m laughing a bit are you writing a book op

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 17:30

Not at you just at how frustrating this thread is ;

Safiya7 · 04/06/2019 17:33

So much advice has been given on here for days now, but the OP is giving very selective snippets of info, so I’m not sure why everyone is so invested really? It’s going round in circles - could be this, could be that? Everyone is just guessing!

LaurieMarlow · 04/06/2019 17:38

Clearly the OP has irritated people with her style, but I’m totally shocked by all the responses telling her that she’s being selfish. WTAF?

In what universe is not wanting to haul the family across the world away from friends, family, support networks, all they know selfish. My mind is boggling here.

DH clearly has a lot of issues. The idea that the only thing in the entire world that will make him happy is this job in Australia is nuts.

The marriage doesn’t sound the strongest. That’s a whole other issue. But if they go, I’d say there’s a fair chance they split and the OP is left in a very vulnerable position with potentially no way home with the kids.

Who would take that risk?

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 17:40

A lot of DH’s stress comes from the guilt he feels at being at work a lot.

Which appears to contradict other posts from the OP where she said the stress was due to a toxic environment in his work place.

Just as she said that her husband was motivated to do well in his career due to a less privileged upbringing whereas she doesn't have that issue as she has a safety blanket. Then later she said finances weren't an issue for her husband.

It's odd. We only have the OPS side to work with and it isn't very clear. She says the problems in the marriage are due to her not being supportive but is that her own opinion or is what her husband has said?

There are too many questions here. Ultimately what can anyone on here say? The op and DH really have to work out what is important to them and then decide together.

It just seems like op has a lot of red lines that she isn't willing to be flexible on so there's not much room for compromise in that case is there?

7salmonswimming · 04/06/2019 17:46
  1. Emigrating can be very, very difficult. To make it successful, you have to really want to escape where you are, or be wherever you're going. If you're ambivalent, chances are it won't work. Especially if you have unwilling children (or children you've allowed to become unwilling).
  1. Your DH has a tough decision ahead of him. It's almost philosophical: family vs career in circumstances where career = personal success and/or fulfillment and/or satisfaction. In quite stark terms, is his family's happiness worth his personal happiness?

While he's deciding if he definitely wants to go, with no return-date in sight, you need to decide what your responsibilities are. Is supporting your DH worth sacrificing your own wishes, those of your children's and your wider family's wishes? Will you feel obligated to say that YOU are making the decision to stay put?

swingofthings · 04/06/2019 17:48

Coco, from what you say, you've had a very sheltered life. You have a loving husband, three lovely kids, a nice big house, momeybto enjoy life in London and family to help so you can also have a life for yourself. It's close to everyone's dream life. It's not surprising you'd be reluctant to give it up.

What a terrible dilemma. I totally understand your OH's position but now that you've said more about your life, I understand yours better. It really comes down to 9nly one thing and that is whether you rather give up your sheltered life or your husband.