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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:

dodgeballchamp · 04/06/2019 16:11

Why do you require so much support though? By your own admission you’re very happy so no mental health issues, no physical ones that you’ve disclosed, you haven’t said that any of your children have additional needs, you don’t even do your own ironing or cleaning ffs! Why are you incapable of existing by yourself? It’s not normal to require that amount of support as an adult with no extenuating factors. I’m sure it’s nice but it seems excessive

fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 16:14

If I was the OP's DH I'd be looking very hard for win-win alternatives. If nothing else it would show OP that he's listening to her and sees them as a team.

I wouldn't do it to my spouse if I was in his position.

7Days · 04/06/2019 16:14

That's not the problem at all Parker.
The DH is in his dream job, he doesn't want to downsize. His job is full on with long hours, he's prepared for that, that's not what bothers him. OP is equally as focused on home and family. So far it's worked for them, they have supported each other to enable this, that's fair enough surely.

Everyone is acting the Dh is not some poor downtrodden work horse here, hes not, no more than op is. He has plenty of support at home and doesn't have to juggle childcare or activities or housework. OP doesn't have to worry about money while she takes care of those things. It's a sweet deal for the pair of them. It's only in the last year or two it's gotten shit for the DH in his workplace. He, like OP, wants everything to stay the way it was, advancing at a job he loves, wife to take care of the family stuff.

He thinks relocating to oz is neither here nor there for that. But that's not entirely true.

Donthighfiveme · 04/06/2019 16:17

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Sounds like you're prioritising being around your relatives and friends because they support you emotionally (while he is working to sustain your lifestyle). You aren't considering what your DH wants as important, and in a partnership you need to support each other.

Original poster

coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 16:21

Sounds about right 7days. In an ideal world he would love to stay where he is and progress but politics prevents that.

OP posts:

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 16:23

Sounds about right 7days. In an ideal world he would love to stay where he is and progress but politics prevents that.

Can totally sympathise with that. . . pretty much sums up why we're here!

daisypond · 04/06/2019 16:27

I also wonder why you need so much practical and emotional support. Do you secretly have any mental health issues? Are you too dependent on your DH, your mum? It sounds a little bit like you haven’t fully grown up and people around you are enabling it. Are you a bit scared of life? Would counselling help? Or even some psychotherapy? I do get it because I’m a bit this way myself. How would you feel if you were the sole breadwinner?

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 16:27

Sounds about right 7days. In an ideal world he would love to stay where he is and progress but politics prevents that.

So, if he doesn't move to Aus what is the plan?

bingoitsadingo · 04/06/2019 16:30

I think you're getting an incredibly hard time here OP!

I wouldn't move to Australia in the circumstances you're describing, no way.
Yes, you should be supportive of his career if you've made the joint decision for him to be the breadwinner. That doesn't mean you are obliged to support it at the expense of EVERYTHING ELSE in your life, especially when you would rather he was home more! Because when it's his passion, the lines get blurred between career and enjoyment, don't they. How important is it for you as a family that he rises up? It sounds like your life is pretty good as it is.
It is his choice (such as it is a choice) to work in such a niche industry with few prospects. Despite what many posters here are saying, it strikes me that you are the one thinking of the whole family, whilst he is the one only thinking of himself. It's you that will be stuck completely a fish out of water whilst he throws himself passionately into his new job.

But I also find the idolisation of Australia by many brits quite odd. Beaches and sunshine aren't the be all and end all. Being on the opposite side of the world to everyone you know and love is not a trivial thing.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 16:32

You aren't considering what your DH wants as important, and in a partnership you need to support each other.

It works both ways, funnily enough.

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 16:33

As someone else said, nothing in life is certain. You cannot guarantee anything.

My opinion is that you should support your husband or not be surprised if he goes alone or splits with you later.

As for all this fretting about your children, they will have the time of their life.

Remember. It's 3-5 years... not life imprisonment.

II'm finding your attitude a bit immature. Ithink maybe, OP, you have deeper issues which need to be resolved.

FlapAttack23 · 04/06/2019 16:35

OP when do you have to decide by?

Lweji · 04/06/2019 16:37

My opinion is that you should support your husband or not be surprised if he goes alone or splits with you later.
Thereby showing how selfish he is?

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 16:38

It’s obvious what the ideal is but not what will change, if anything if you stay? I’m guessing nothing will change.

I do get passion based jobs and think competition can make these hard work and take resilience etc

There may be horrific politics, as there can be in niche and competitive jobs but sometimes things do change when someone higher up leaves, client requests you (no idea what he does), I don’t know.

LesLavandes · 04/06/2019 16:38

To add, why did you hold out on telling which country you are maybe moving to. So many people asked, and destination does make a difference. Lots of wasted comments based on your info avoidance. I am actually quite annoyed by your me me attitude and withholding a piece of info. I feel sorry for your husband

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 16:47

Where does the idea that OP’s husband is selfish coming from? How can someone working all the hours God sends to support what can only be described as a luxurious lifestyle be considered selfish? Particularly since that job is making him unhappy? How is it selfish to want to progress that career? I know which of the two I think is the selfish one.

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 16:48

Lweji

Is he selfish to leave his job if he can't stand it any more? What is the unselfish option? For him to just carry on and make himself ill? I get the DH can't make OP move but neither can she make him stay in such a toxic workplace either surely?

What is the OP doing that is so selfless?

Original poster

coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 16:50

This is really interesting. A couple of things that have been said are what DH has said to me about this. He said that I clearly didn’t want to leave my mum.

OP posts:

Lweji · 04/06/2019 16:51

Regardless of the job, it is selfish to want to move the family to the other side of the globe if they're not on board with the idea.

The OP doesn't ask for a lot of money. He works the long hours because he wants to. She allowed him to develop to the heights of his career by having his back with the children and the home. He doesn't have to worry about any of that, except for the token guilt he feels.
Yet, he's still prepared to make them move, but not to spend more time at home with his family. Just so that he can get a more exciting and a higher status position.

No, not selfish at all.

pallisers · 04/06/2019 16:51

No way would I give up a good life in London close to family and friends and move to australia where the single benefit is so dh can do a job he likes. Especially when that job isn't a temporary move with a company and a guarantee you will be moved back in 3 years but is more open-ended/up to him to find a job back in UK.

I say that as someone who did give up a career and a life at home so dh could take a job in the US. It was supposed to be for 3-5 years (similar situation - so he could get the experience at a particular level he couldn't get at home). more than 20 years later we are still here. When it came to it we couldn't uproot our children from their lives here. so I moved for dh and I stayed for my children. We are very happy and in many ways it has been a great experience but the sacrifices have been immense. Moving was the single hardest thing I have done in my life. It was exhausting, lonely, difficult - and I am an extrovert who makes friends easily and I got a job almost immediately too. My parents both got old/needed help/got sick/died with me far away. Every holiday was spent coming home for years - and that isn't a holiday. My children missed ordinary things like going for sunday lunch at granny's etc. My siblings had to pick up the slack - I did as much as I could but you cannot do it if you don't live nearby. Plus, it was home - australia isn't your home, you don't want to live there so why are you moving?

This thread has also revealed a fairly shocking level of misogyny - how dare a woman put herself first! People sneering at the OP because she is happy with her life - as if that is a bad thing for a woman and what her biggest concern should be is if her DH is happy with his life. People clearly disliking her because she has a cleaner and someone to do the ironing - she should be scrubbing the floors herself. Only on MN would you find that attitude. Calling her monumentally selfish for not wanting to change a life she is happy with. It is actually ok to put yourself first sometimes - especially when it comes to moving to australia for god's sake.

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 16:53

This thread is bonkers the op is so selective in responses, it’s bizarre

TeacupDrama · 04/06/2019 16:53

There is absolutely no need to move to Australia if you don't want to
however you seem to want your DH to want what you want your solution is a less stressful job with less hours which almost certainly means a lot less money so how would you then pay for your lovely life in London?
if he takes a lower paid job you will have to cut your cloth to suit so some aspects of your lovely life may have to disappear anyway

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 16:54

The OP says she doesn’t want a lot of money. Take it away and see how she feels about losing her lovely life.

daisychain01 · 04/06/2019 16:55

I don't believe there is only one job for your DH. Iif he's telling you that, then he's spinning you a yarn and leading you a merry dance.

Nobody in their right mind paints themselves and their family into a corner with no escape like this.

Always, always have an exit strategy and a Plan B in life. He can't be so lacking in insight, talent and skill that he cannot review his career options and consider alternatives. It's really lazy thinking on his part.

MerdedeBrexit · 04/06/2019 16:58

Your children are young enough to enjoy it and to gain a huge amount from the change to the other side of the world, if you think of it as, and present it to them as, a huge adventure. They have nothing to lose, but you think they do, because you don't want to go. I think that as you have enjoyed the lifestyle your husband's hard work and stress has given you thus far, you would be very unfair not to support him in this move to progress with his career in the direction he wants it to go. If he has been headhunted for this job, presumably he'll have no trouble finding a job when he wants to move back, even given it is a niche market?

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