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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 15:05

Success of the marriage is nothing to do with earning potential. I’m the one who is worried he will leave. Why would I go to the other side of the world otherwise?! Because as others have said, if I don’t then I may well end up on my own.

OP posts:
fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 15:06

Having said that I might be wrong, perhaps certain assets can be ringfenced by one spouse

Mix56 · 04/06/2019 15:07

BTW, I am aslo EXPAT in an EU country, which frankly is harder than your

location.

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 15:18

I think Oz would be quite 'soft' ex-pat place to live, Ive done the back end of nowhere more than once, Oz would be a nice welcome change...

But the OP is not emigrating but becoming an ex-pat there is a difference, and your mindset is different.

Having a home to come back to in the UK would make all the difference (I would not rent out, so I can come and go as I please)

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 15:22

The thing is though, it’s not a contract. We would have to have another job in the UK to come back to. This is the biggest hurdle. Not being able to reassure ourselves or the kids as to when they can go home. How can we expect our kids to live with the uncertainty?

OP posts:
Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 15:26

So where did the 3-5 years come from?

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 15:27

Nothing in life is certain. You have to make the best decision you can, based on the circumstances and facts as you know them at the time, for that time.

You don't HAVE to have another job lined up for when you come back to the UK, that's unreasonable. You're trying to look how many years into the future?! What you could do is look at job potential here, and there. Particularly with the added experience and kudos of the role in Australia on his CV.

ilovecatsabittoomuch · 04/06/2019 15:28

I think you should go and support him. You never know, you might end up loving it there! Especially if it's Australia?

Ellisandra · 04/06/2019 15:32

The kids don’t have to live with uncertainty.
At least any more than they do now!
Anything can happen to a family on a 3-5 year basis.
Your kids are really young, they only need to know that you’re going to Australia for 3 years, and then you’ll see how you like it in future and maybe you’ll move again, maybe you won’t.

Parker231 · 04/06/2019 15:32

Why is there uncertainty - he has a job in Australia. You don’t know whether he would’ve been made redundant in the future in the UK. Loads of people with families go and work abroad. My parents stayed in the UK for 15 years before they decided to go back home.

LifeInAHamsterWheel · 04/06/2019 15:37

I've followed this thread since you started it, but only commenting now.

I think you should give it a go, I honestly think you owe it to your DH to try. BUT I think you should do it with a full heart, there's no point going at all if you're going to be miserable about it. You need to change your mindset and look on it as something positive, something enriching. Try to get something out of it for you.

And as for this - How can we expect our kids to live with the uncertainty? please don't let your children know that you're worried. Only tell them when you've decided for definite that you're going. And only speak positively about it, don't put worries into their heads! If you sell it as a good thing, they'll expect it to be a good thing. They don't need to know when exactly they're coming back (neither do you)

I hope it all works out for you, it sounds like a great opportunity and honestly 3/5/10 years will fly by - you might even fall completely in love with the place and decide to stay!

daisypond · 04/06/2019 15:43

But uncertainty is part of life, it’s to be expected. Life is a process of change. No one has a job for life now, or rarely. Losing your job in your 40s or 50s is really common. Maybe you’re not quite at that stage where you know this. It’s best to move before you are pushed, and here you have a chance of a job for another few years. I’m in London and have three children and I work full time. I’m the main earner and earn 35k and I’m under threat because I’m considered expensive. If I was in your very fortunate position I would be jumping at it, and I’m risk averse myself.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 15:53

But why create uncertainty? A lot of DH’s stress comes from the guilt he feels at being at work a lot. How is that assuaged by moving the whole family for work?

OP posts:
Parker231 · 04/06/2019 15:59

If you don’t want him to work so many hours, you’ll need to step up and earn a higher salary or downsize to compensate for the his lower salary in a less well paid job.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 16:01

As I keep saying, I would be happy for him to earn less! He is the one with ambition, not me. I am happy with my little life!

OP posts:
Oldbutstillgotit · 04/06/2019 16:02

OP you have been asked several times but I am going to try again . What do you think should happen? Clearly you don’t want to go . By your own admission you have a lovely lifestyle. You seem to require a lot of support , not quite sure why but you say you do. Your DH is incredibly stressed and really wants to take this job. What is the solution ?

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 16:03

We’re 31 pages in and all you’ve done is find the negatives, OP. You’ve ignored all the positives suggested. Something’s got to give, what’s your solution?

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 16:03

In my ideal world, he would get a less stressful job, be home more, and I wouldn’t require so much practical and emotional support from others as I would have it from him.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 16:05

If he didn’t earn the salary he does you wouldn’t have your lovely little life! He’s the one who pays for it!

Oldbutstillgotit · 04/06/2019 16:05

But if he won’t change job/career and you don’t want to give up your lovely life , what’s the solution ?

Lweji · 04/06/2019 16:06

I don't think you are being selfish.
He will be if he forces you and the children to move, and then still works long hours and travels a lot like he does now. For his own career development.

You should always get a veto over moving long distances, unless there is a pressing need.

Moving overseas is always difficult, let alone when one person is not fully on board.

Then you risk spending a few years there, and if you split you won't be able to easily get back to the UK.

daisypond · 04/06/2019 16:08

You’d be creating certainty, not uncertainty. He will have a good job with a good salary. You seem to like stability and someone to provide for you and look out for you. This will provide that. In recent weeks I have had a variety of relatives and friends in their 40s die suddenly, leaving their partner to bring up the children alone, be diagnosed with terminal illnesses, be sacked from their job, have a mental breakdown and be sacked from their job. These are uncertainties that are thrust upon them and their families that they just have to deal with, leaving them alone, in pain and with all sorts of financial difficulties and bureaucratic nightmares. That is uncertainty.

Bluetrews25 · 04/06/2019 16:09

This thread keeps going around in circles.

Have written and deleted many times.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 16:10

For what is worth, I also moved the family for my work. But it wasn't that far, it was because I had got to the end of my contract (project based) and might not get anything as well paid by staying or might have to move cities anyway, and I was the sole breadwinner. Crucially, though, I told (now ex)H that if he didn't want to move, then we'd stay.
The decision was joint and for strong reasons, not because of my whim.

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 16:11

I wouldn’t require so much practical and emotional support from others as I would have it from him.

Um, here's a thought. As you say, you're forty years old. Maybe you could try providing practical and emotional support for yourself and others, rather than constantly needing it?

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