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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
MangosteenSoda · 04/06/2019 14:04

Now I know it's Australia, I think I'd be a bit less keen to make the move given your situation and feelings.

Australia seems much more of an 'emigrate for good' destination rather than a 'few years abroad' destination like Hong Kong, Singapore, Dubai type places. Your kids would probably love it, adapt really well and not want to leave in a few years. TBF, both you and your husband might really love it too.

Other points against Oz from my POV are that it's expensive to live there, far and costly to visit home and for family to visit you, not the kind of place where you will easily be able to find/afford the kind of childcare you currently get from your family now.

I do think the lifestyle there is good though. It's just that you all have to be able to enjoy it and feel it's worth the upheaval.

Has your DH looked for other jobs recently? This one has just fallen into his lap, but if he hasn't been looking, there might be other opportunities out there which he didn't know about. Even other places abroad, but which are less far away and more temporary in nature.

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 14:04

Well, I had two kids, a husband that travelled, worked full time (then went to four days a week) and sure as hell didn't have a cleaner, someone to do the ironing, or family coming to hold my hand when my husband travelled. So no, I don't think you're supermum. I think you have it pretty sweet.

fedup21 · 04/06/2019 14:05

I clearly live in a bubble. Most people think that having 3 kids and working on top of it as well as a husband who travels makes me supermum! I know lots of people with childcare you don’t even work because they have 3 kids!

Who thinks you are supermum, that’s bizarre!

3 kids, a job and a DH that works long hours here-like just about everyone I know (ok, some have 2 kids). I can’t think why anyone would think that’s anything out of the ordinary?!

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 14:05

To Add - I also didn't think I was supermum - particularly when I went part-time.

ChilliScallops · 04/06/2019 14:08

Definitely not super mum working 2 days a week with that amount of help. You receive more help than most.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/06/2019 14:09

Don't feel guilted into going Coco. Seriously. It's your and your children's lives too.

NasiGoreng · 04/06/2019 14:10

OP, I see why you don't want to move. You have a very cushy life. You live in London, have everything on your doorstep, your DH has a good salary, you have GP's helping you out and you have no money worries. Thing is though, HE isn't happy. Your DH is your priority now, not seeing your parents twice a week.

I think the fairest thing for you to do for your DH is to get a full time job and tell him to go follow his passions in a less stressful role.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 04/06/2019 14:12

Supermum? Working two days a week with help from your parents and a husband with a good job?

Don't make me laugh.

Alsohuman · 04/06/2019 14:12

Supermum? Pull the other one! You work two days a week with a cleaner and ironing person and grandparents on tap. Yes, you do live in a bubble.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/06/2019 14:15

Ignore the jealous ones OP...

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 04/06/2019 14:18

Yes, anyone who points out that someone is delusional must be jealous. Of course.

Parker231 · 04/06/2019 14:21

We have DT’s and both work full time at our careers including me travelling between UK, USA and Singapore for work. DH is a GP and works long hours. Although we have a cleaner, both sets of grandparents live overseas.

You have it easy - I can’t see any issue with going to work overseas. My parents did it when I was five and my DSis, three. Why are you so unwilling to support your DH?

daisypond · 04/06/2019 14:23

A friend of mine is a single parent and brought up her children from toddlerhood completely alone, working as a teacher in various countries in Asia. This was the only way she could make enough money to survive. She wasn’t qualified to teach in schools in the UK. She didn’t own a house or flat in the UK, not least one in London. Every few years she moved again. She knew no one in each place, but made the best of it. Sometimes I’m sure she felt overwhelmed by it all, having to manage new languages, new bureaucracy, often struggling financially, having to be entirely responsible for herself and her children. There was no family support apart from relatives visiting from the UK from time to time. There was no financial help whatsoever from the kids’ father, who abandoned them. She had to make it work because there was no alternative at that time. The kids turned out magnificently and are successful professionals now, and the mum has tales of interesting exploits abroad. I really think you should take this chance and go. You have a DH with a well paid job, you will all be together, it is only temporary, and it is something new and different to experience.

fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 14:26

I'd feel exactly the same as you OP. It's rare for someone to be as content with their current life as you are - close family, friends, it's all invaluable. What a shame DH is so hell-bent on this particular job if it isn't even financially necessary.

I could be a great opportunity but it's a huge gamble. I've got a friend who did this recently (also 3 primary school aged dc), the kids were miserable as hell, the relationship broke down Sad They're back in the UK now much worse off in every way than when they left.

I hope he open his mind to other options

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 14:27

A friend of mine is a single parent and brought up her children from toddlerhood completely alone, working as a teacher in various countries in Asia. This was the only way she could make enough money to survive. She wasn’t qualified to teach in schools in the UK. She didn’t own a house or flat in the UK, not least one in London. Every few years she moved again. She knew no one in each place, but made the best of it. Sometimes I’m sure she felt overwhelmed by it all, having to manage new languages, new bureaucracy, often struggling financially, having to be entirely responsible for herself and her children. There was no family support apart from relatives visiting from the UK from time to time. There was no financial help whatsoever from the kids’ father, who abandoned them. She had to make it work because there was no alternative at that time.

Now that is a supermum. Total respect to your friend daisypond. She sounds an incredibly strong, brave, and capable woman.

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 14:43

It's rare for someone to be as content with their current life as you are - close family, friends, it's all invaluable. What a shame DH is so hell-bent on this particular job if it isn't even financially necessary.

Alternatively, what a shame that one partner is so content with their life at the expense of their spouse's mental health and well being.

It's clear that OP is happy in her life. Who wouldn't be? She has it set up exactly as she wants it. Is marriage really only about one partner having it all and the other having barely anything?

SajeW23 · 04/06/2019 14:45

Yes, obviously you are being selfish and you should absolutely look at it as a wonderful opportunity for your husband and children and go. Only let him turn it down if you are prepared to go back to work full time and let him have a turn to enjoy life.

We moved to the UK from the US for my husbands job. 3 young kids, 3-5 year term. It has been an amazing opportunity to travel, experience another culture and it doesn't hurt that he has doubled his salary and we have a super generous expat package on top of that. Not to mention he now has amazing future career prospects. Imagine that we turned this gift down so I could potter around at home and be close to my mom and friends. Foolish!

fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 14:46

Yes that's exactly what I think Decomposing ffs Hmm

fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 14:47

I'd like to hear more from people who were the children in this situation.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 14:57

I only see my family and friends so much because he is at work so much! I need their support because he is often not there. I do wonder though if we go, then it could bring us together as we will have to be a unit, not have me running off to my mum all the time which I recognize isn’t ideal for a 40 year old

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/06/2019 14:57

Where did this myth of wild partying come from? You probably would be invited by colleagues of OH (OR YOUR OWN) & his wife & family for a bbq, the kids would play/swim, you'd be able to do that surely ? often these BBQs are in one the multiple parks, the kids play, ride bikes, kick a football... gradually you meet people, they will pass on contacts who could help you if you wanted to go away in time. you could get an au pair !
You could join a yoga course, or any number of activities, & slowly build up your network. meeting for walks, bike rides, picnics... It really is not about big after work booze ups & high heels

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 14:58

fotheringhay

But it's true. The OP appears to want nothing in her life to change.

Now, I'm not suggesting that she emigrates against her will. That's a huge decision and everyone needs to be on board with it but I also get the feeling that if her husband found a job in the UK that OP would still refuse to move, because she wants her life to be entirely unchanged.

I'm quite interested in the dynamic here. OP says that she is financially secure while her husband doesn't have that safety net. She's also quite motivated by this certain lifestyle. I wonder how much of the husband's determination to succeed in his career is driven by a fear that if he can't maintain this lifestyle for his wife, she will leave? Is that why he refuses to change to a lower paid job, or to re train or cut his hours? Is the success of the marriage dependent on his job status or earning potential?

mbosnz · 04/06/2019 14:59

LOL, I think you'd be surprised at what you can do if you have to do it. I had absolutely no family support, and it was absolutely fine - sure it got a bit much when he was away a couple of months on the trot, and then turn around and off again within the week, but we're a tight unit, always have been, because we had to be.

Mix56 · 04/06/2019 15:04

My niece & nephew went to the excellent local school (not private) where they thrived, the level was better than the school they went to in Canada afterwards.
They have life long friends they have been back to see ...... & have had them come to visit in their current homes
They have now both lost their Ozzie accent ....

fotheringhay · 04/06/2019 15:05

But if they're married then the divorce settlement would surely protect him? Unless OP's money is very recent, it would just be seen as a marital asset to divide I believe