To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

So what do you see as happening. Its ckear you dont want to go, its clear that you can see or refuse to see any positives at all in going for you. But what about your DH and children. If he needs this job as you say he does to get to the next rung of the ladder then are you effectively curtailing his career? What are the options other than carry on as you are. How much research have you done, what plans can you come up with as an alternative other than he will just plod on which isnt very fair on him.

To be honest, I think a lot of this isn't really OPs responsibility. I say this as someone who happily moved to another country to support her DH career.

It's the DH who is unhappy with the status quo, not OP. He wants to move to another country, she doesn't. His issues with his current career are for him to resolve.

He is refusing to go to Australia without OP, so he has to come up with another strategy that might work for him. Sure, OP could sit in on a brainstorming session with him to try to come up with ideas, but at the end of the day it is his life/career and so his responsibility.

Would he consider life coaching or counselling OP?

My career was curtailed the day I went part time to be home more for our children. I’ll live. The idea that dh was obliged to move to the other side of the world so I could get a better job is insane.

It’s all about you, OP, nothing about anyone else. In Oz your children will have beaches instead of parks - although I’m pretty sure there are parks there too - a huge country to explore in school holidays, the chance to do all sorts of things they can’t have in London. Your husband will have a job he’s excited about.

You can rent out your London house, if you bought at the right time, the rental income will far exceed your mortgage payments and subsidise your Oz rent. It’s for 3-5 years, that will speed by.

If you stay here, what’s in it for your husband? More frustration, spiralling depression, perhaps dreading going to work? You promised for better and for worse, you’ve got all the better now and he’s got all the worse - maybe it’s his turn for the better for a bit.

Pp are right, if you turn your back on this, you have to come up with a better plan.

"We always go on the same holidays as we love the security of knowing what to expect - with the kids a known quantity is so much more relaxing. When we were younger we travelled a lot "

So these things don't necessarily mean he doesn't like or want travel, just that it's less stressful with a toddler to go to known places. You've said you travelled a lot in your youth so its not like hes NEVER travelled anywhere. How much of the current "holiday in the same place" situation would you say is down to the fact that YOU don't want to travel? I'm just wondering how much of "we don't like to" is actually "I don't like to".

I’m an expat wife and haven’t been to any parties! I think that might be an outdated view in more progressive societies. I don’t drink either, feel uncomfortable at parties. I always thought that I would meet friends at school in similar way to the UK but didn’t. So I started a sport, took lessons, met people, socialized at cinema etc. There are definitely better ways to meet people than parties but you have to want to get out there and meet people.

Oz would be a great opportunity to try something new while the kids are young but you have to throw yourself into it and embrace the change which you don’t want to do. Take 5 minutes to just look for the positives of travel, new culture and experiences.

I get that you don't want to go, but while saying you have the parks, the clubs, the culture, the GPs on hand is all well & good. But something has to change surely. What if he found another option in Leeds/ Milton Keynes /anywhere. All these things would change anyway, unless you stay home & pack him off Mon to Fri, & he gets to travel on top of his new, busy job.

My husband moved hundreds of miles for my career - I earned a lot more. However moving countries is a bigger deal.

Is one solution that he moves abroad and you stay here and you go out there once a month for a few days and he comes over here every month for a fwe days (so you all see each other twice a month?)

from & to Australia.?

OP - you probably would be able to go away as IME grandparents will come to stay for several weeks as it's so far (we have family in Australia).

I'm not the biggest fan of Oz (give me NZ any day of the week) but I still think the opportunity would be amazing. What city would you be based in?

It's not just up to the DH though. They are a team a partnership. That means they have to decide together on what is best for both of them and for their DC. So thise saying its uo to DH to sort out his career what if he decides bugger it I am going anyway. Is that the best for everyone involved? What if he says I want to do something else but it means retraining and I wont have an income for x amount of time. Is that the best for everyone. Or will either of those options be deemed to be selfish. They need to work together to explore the options for now and the future as to what best suits them all as a family.

OP, I get the feeling that what you really want, is for this just to disappear, and you carry on, with you being very happy in your life, him not so happy in his, and everything stays the same. This opportunity never came up for you as a family to have to make a decision, whether to go for it, or for him to give up on it, to regret and mourn it. That's not possible.

Just because we were a particular way when we met at university, doesn't mean to say we never change - whether that be in job, focus, or a new yen for the different.

As an ex-pat wife, part of my job, as I see it, is to support my DH's job, as that is what facilitates our family lifestyle. Obviously, you work part-time, but your DH's job is still what primarily facilitates your family lifestyle. I'm an introvert too, and don't particularly enjoy socialising, but I do realise that a bit of it really helps with DH's work, so I do it. Perhaps, you could make it clear that this is not on the cards for you if you did move.

It does take a degree of flexibility, adaptability and resilience to shift countries, particularly with children, and a combined enthusiasm or determination to make it work. If you haven't got these, then you haven't got them, and that's all there is to it. It would be very unlikely to work, if you aren't prepared to make it work.

But there is going to be an opportunity/benefit cost, whether you go or whether you stay, depending on just how much DH hates his current role, how hard it would be for him to find a comparable opportunity here, and how detrimental it could be to his career, which you liken to a vocation, in staying here. That could potentially impact on your relationship, and potentially on your lovely life that you like so much.

There's risk either way, as I see it.

Moving countries is of course a bigger deal but the rewards are bigger too. Visiting places that you would never go to normally, totally different culture. I personally would prefer new country to different area in the UK but I don’t think that you want any change. Start thinking positives and the negatives will become smaller.

waves

I was you OP two years ago. The brexit vote had just happened and DH looked at the longtime forecast of his work and career and predicted that offers and collaborations would dry up with the year. So he started to apply elsewhere - Canada, America, NZ and Oz. He was immediately offered Oz. And accepted.

Then I said no. So he retracted. Then they Skyped and he said yes if DW agrees. My hold up was that we had 2 primary school children, no close family in Oz, the kids friends and clubs were all sorted plus schools and I had a uni placement for a career change. More importantly and not lest, DF was in very frail health.

For DH, it was a career move that gave more money, more opportunities and was a huge promotion. His stress levels have plummeted and he’s actually turning back into the less stressed DH when our children were small and workload wasn’t overtaking his life. For DC, there’s the swimming, beaches, cycling, huge parks every block or so, far far better facilities in the schools here than city schools at home, and whilst it has been difficult moving into new friendship groups for them initially, they have made friends and with the sunshine and earlier mornings, start activities in the early morning. Think surf science at 0600!!

For me, I won’t lie. The first year was awful as I was trying break into friendship groups which were already established, I missed my family and friends dreadfully for the first 8months. Then it all started to sort itself out. DH has a more life work balanced job so is more relaxed and happy in his career, I’ve found a very well paid job without having to retrain and the DC, whilst they’ve loved going home for Christmas (Christmas in summer weather just doesn’t tick our boxes) find school work and everyone else’s attitudes laidback and relaxed here.

PM me if you want.

Thanks so much everyone. People are right when they say you have to want to make it work- that’s right. He would still have to travel, so I would be alone when he travelled rather than have family to help when he travelled. That worries me. Having lots of family around has somehow always disguised DH being away, so it’s more like Daddy is away, but grandad has come to stay, yay!

To be clear - 'have to want to make it work', isn't the same as actually wanting to go! This was not in my life plan. But it was the best for him, for his career, and for our family as a whole, so that's the way it went. And I want to make it work, because it needs to work, for everyone in the family to be as happy as they can.

@Coco so what are you suggesting or looking at as an alternative. All you are doing is justifying the reasons you have for not wanting to go. What are you offering as an alternative or compromise. Do you not see any positives at all in the move.

I would be happy for him to give up his job and get a less stressful and less well paid job. But that isn’t what he wants.

He doesn’t have wealthy parents so he sees success as something he needs to achieve for himself. He’s very ambitious. As others have suggested, I am more entitled! That’s why I don’t worry about money I guess as I have a safety net.

I’m afraid you’re not making much sense, you say you don’t worry about money yet not long ago you said that everything was more expensive in Oz and that was one of your reasons for not wanting to go. How much of a safety net have you got if he loses his job because he’s so depressed and stressed? Your two days a week salary won’t get you far.

You still seem to be unwilling to answer what sort of compromises you are willing to make. From your posts I get the impression that you wont consider moving anywhere at all. If your DH takes a less well paid job how do you propose making up the shortfall in income? And why on earth do you need someone to stay with you if he isnt there?

It sounds to me like you and your husband aren't on the same page at all.

I couldn't live a 'lovely' life knowing my husband is stressed every day.

Having no career ambition is whatever, but working part time cos you can lean on someone else is a cop out if you aren't prepared to make sacrifics for them

You must realize that most people don’t have someone come and stay with them is their partner goes away right? Support doesn’t have to come from family. I haven’t lived near family for 20plus years. Support can come from friends too.

Sorry OP, I think YABU. It sounds like your life is comfortable and surely this is partly because of his career? He doesn't have hobbies or time to relax and you say he can't go further with his career in this country...so you would prefer him to carry on like that so you can enjoy your comfortable life?

You say if the shoe was on the other foot and it was your "dream".. But this job sounds like career progression for him rather than just a dream. And maybe there would be other perks of you living abroad that you don't have now.

I clearly live in a bubble. Most people think that having 3 kids and working on top of it as well as a husband who travels makes me supermum! I know lots of people with childcare you don’t even work because they have 3 kids!