Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
Mix56 · 04/06/2019 10:10

Also, as an aside, there is skiing, Great Barrier Reef, Tanzania, NZ, Japan, Polynesia on the doorstep.
But life in Surrey is good, so refuse.

rrg1 · 04/06/2019 10:20

27 pages to reveal which country! Says a lot about the OP

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 10:22

I’m starting to feel that way too Gabriella. I think that to move you need a pull. We have friends who moved to the states for work, east coast. They had the lure of a huge house with a pool for less than half the cost of their house here, amazing free school, great weather all year round, much lower tax etc. there was a pull. Whereas in Oz it is really expensive, high tax for high earners, probably have to pay for school, houses were way more per month than we currently pay on our mortgage and we live in a gorgeous part of London, we are just fortunate we bought our house at the right time. Size of house isn’t everything as we haven’t joined the hoards who love to surrey and Kent just to get a big house and commute into London - we have stayed in London as we love the buzz and having everything on our doorstep. We have so much culture here which is really lacking there. The kids have parks and endless clubs on their doorstep here. It just seems too good to give up.

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 10:28

I can understand all that but if it is as you say career suicide what will he / you do instead to make up for his earnings?

Or he’ll be fine I suppose and suffer stress which isn’t great

Mix56 · 04/06/2019 10:31

"We have so much culture here which is really lacking there. The kids have parks and endless clubs on their doorstep here."

LOL

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 10:33

Yes I did Hmm at that too

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 10:34

It sounds like you’ll be fine to stay here - bar his bad mood / stress which I don’t know might get worse or not

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 10:36

Again OP, what is your solution?

If you get what you want and stay here, what options does your husband have?

Stay in the job which you yourself say is making him ill and you fear he will get worse?

Does he change jobs? Is that a possibility?

Does he re train? Can you live your lovely life on zero income while he re trains?

What is it that is acceptable to you? Only reading your up dates it seems that only everything staying the same is acceptable to you.

AnotherEmma · 04/06/2019 10:36

The opportunity in Australia can't be his only option - is he aggressively pursuing all opportunities here in the UK?

AnotherEmma · 04/06/2019 10:37

I realise this thread is one long drip feed but PPs persistence is assuming that OP has "zero income" of her own is starting to piss me off now.

Ellisandra · 04/06/2019 10:38

OP said it was a niche role.
I’m guessing mining, but could he sews corks onto hats?

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 10:39

It’s not aero income but she has stated their lifestyle is made possible by his income, so if that ends

MarshaBradyo · 04/06/2019 10:39

Zero income

Safiya7 · 04/06/2019 10:43

OP, but when you say Australia - where? There’s a huge difference between say, Sydney and Adelaide?

I “trailed” to Sydney years ago following DH when he was in banking. This was pre- DC. Ok, it’s not London, but why should it be? Sydney has loads going for it on its own terms. It’s like home from home in many ways. I know a couple of families who have gone ther in recent years and they’re doing fine. I have great memories of Sydney. I don’t think there could be an easier place to move to really, it’s just the distance.

I was wondering if he was wanting you to go to Korea or something.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 10:44

The idea of going is making me physically sick every morning. It’s just not a country I especially like or enjoy being in. It’s expensive, and the houses there are nothing better than we have now, so no lifestyle pull. DH doesn’t want to move away especially, he wants the job. If the job was in the UK he would have accepted it immediately. For him the motivation isn’t moving abroad, but the job itself. So there is no lure of lifestyle or anything for us. It’s not like we think we would be having BBQs and sunbathing every day or something. Life would be the same as it is here, no more disposable income, no bigger house, just miles and miles away.

I think the answer is obvious, then. Australia probably won't be his only chance to get that job. But even if it were, if he doesn't think it's worth all the change and lack of improved life style, the conclusion is obvious.

He could find something else to challenge him, if that's important to him, other than his job, right where he is.

Jiggles101 · 04/06/2019 10:46

I have visited Singapore yes. It was expensive and dull. Clean mind.

I think with primary age children this could be ok. You really won't be able to tell until you've moved there though. Did the kids enjoy the visit?

Lweji · 04/06/2019 10:47

Going there to meet the team and look at houses is part of the decision process.
Unless he's already signed a contract, he should be able to say no. He won't be the first to decide against such a move.

NasiGoreng · 04/06/2019 10:50

I followed my DH around for his career as an expat. I've lived in 4 other countries, 3 of these moves following and enhancing his career. As a result I have seen loads of the world, my DC had a great early life and I made loads of friends all over the place.

I'd cut off my right arm to live in Aus for 3-5 years. I think your comments about the place are pretty ignorant TBH. I have a few Aussie friends and was lucky enough to visit Australia about 15 times when I lived in Asia. It is IMO one of the most fascinating places I've ever been. In contrast, I lived in Surrey for 3 years and it is soulless.

Lweji · 04/06/2019 11:05

The OP isn't in Surrey. She's in London.

chopc · 04/06/2019 11:10

Australia is 24 hrs away from UK ....... we hardly see our friends who have emigrated there from UK. Something to take into consideration

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 11:13

I am very introverted. I don’t drink and really like my own company. I have a small trusted network but I am not a party person. I don’t make friends wherever I go. I find it exhausting when I have to accompany him to events - I’m not a good ‘expat wife’ as I don’t enjoy that sort of thing. I didn’t enjoy uni as I didn’t like the endless socializing. One of the reasons DH and I clicked so well was that we didn’t want to drink and stay out late - we wanted to go the cinema and have cosy nights in. So for him to now talk about adventures and once in a lifetime opportunities seems so at odds with the life we have created for ourselves. We always go on the same holidays as we love the security of knowing what to expect - with the kids a known quantity is so much more relaxing. When we were younger we travelled a lot (he never wanted to go to Oz!) but haven’t wanted to for years as he travels for work anyway and I sometimes go too (I wouldn’t be able to do that in Oz as wouldn’t have grandparents to stay with the kids for 5 days!)

OP posts:
7Days · 04/06/2019 11:35

I think it would be worth going if it would help your DH. He plainly cant go on as he is in a toxic environment. But will hestep back a little and be a more present chilled out husband and father? It doesn't sound like he will be - my DH is a focused driven go go go type. He'd have that personality no matter where he goes. Your dh sounds similar.

And dont mind the snidey comments about how pampered you are. Yes you have made a life you enjoy, that's the point of life surely, you are doing what we all want! It's what your dh wants as well.
It's a pity it has to be zero sum though.

FlapAttack23 · 04/06/2019 11:38

Has he signed a contract coco?

DecomposingComposers · 04/06/2019 11:39

But OP everything that you post details what you want.

What about your husband?

I'm not saying that means you have to move abroad if you fundamentally don't want to do that. But if you take that off the table, then what?

In your OP you say that your husband is very very stressed and If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us).

So, do you expect that to continue? Do you expect him to continue being very stressed and get even more down, just to maintain your lovely lifestyle?

What changes are you prepared to make so that staying here is a viable alternative for your husband?

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 11:40

I’m not a good ‘expat wife’

But your not an ex-pat!

Its not all parties and swanning around networking, you do what you find comfortable for you. Some partners dont join in with clubs etc. and thats up to them.

You say he travels for work a lot, that may change

Swipe left for the next trending thread