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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
MarshaBradyo · 03/06/2019 21:09

It is the perfect oh this oh that seesaw thread - keeps the posts coming that’s for sure

whittingtonmum · 03/06/2019 21:24

Not read the whole thread but as a point of principle there is NO WAY I would move to the other side of the world if I didn't want to, taking two children out of the school they are settled in with a toddler in tow - for what? My husband's next career move? Absolutely no way.

The reason why I can say this with so much confidence is that I care a lot about my own career and there could be potentially very interesting opportunities abroad for me but DH wouldn't be keen. So I don't even go near them because there is NO WAY I'd dragg my DH & kids away from the life they like if they don't want to- for what - my next career move? Absolutely - no way.

I have also suffered in toxic work places so you grind your teeth, make an escape plan (one which also works for your family) and execute it. You might have to bide your time a bit but just stick to the plan and get yourself in a better place. In the meantime keep improving your coping mechanisms (yoga, meditation etc) and resilience.

If I have learned one thing in my career than that it's a marathon, not a sprint. If you miss one opportunity you might have to wait a bit longer, work a bit harder for the next one to come along but you'll get there - or thereabouts - eventually.

If you sincerely think that you have one shot - and one shot only - at your next career move (unless you aiming for the UN Sec General position as someone pointed out) you are likely to have too narrow a focus and lack a certain flexibilty and thinking outside the box required for most senior leaders in pretty much any field these days.

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 21:30

OP we need more details 😂😂 🍿
I still think you’re my husband doing a reverse !!!! I AM NOT COMING AND I DONT CARE WHAT ALL THESE PEOPLE SAY ABOUT ME BEING A SELFISH SHIT BAG 😂

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 21:33

I am joking, I really feel for you. Interested to know your decision!

LaurieMarlow · 03/06/2019 21:34

I’m shocked at some of the responses on this thread.

OP YANBU to refuse to do this. At all. It’s an enormous commitment hauling the family across the world. One that shouldn’t be taken lightly. No way would I agree to be uprooted from my home, family, support network, kids’ friends.

It’s utterly ridiculous to decide this is the only career move open to your husband (presuming he’s not aiming for SG of UN). There will be alternative moves he can make if he isn’t happy right now.

Just say no. If he decides to go anyway, then so be it. Better to split now than split in Oz.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 03/06/2019 21:43

I've done three moves to further DH's career (one UK to US and two within the US). All negatively impacted my own career due to timing, but have resulted in good experiences and major career benefits for DH. I can honestly say that we'd have split up if I hadn't made these moves - I really didn't want to make the last one and we almost did, but I came along, made the best of it and it's worked out.

Personally, I would make the move as it could be an amazing opportunity to experience a different way of life, but as PP's have said, don't be naive and thoroughly research your legal rights re. the DC if it doesn't work out. You don't want to be stuck there.

Jiggles101 · 03/06/2019 22:11

I'd have thought it would be more likely Singapore or Hong Kong than Australia or NZ?

I'd be bored shitless in Singapore, and terrified of the wildlife in Oz! It does make a big difference where it is I think.

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 22:17

Is oz, doesn’t say here but says in a previous post someone mentioned 🧐

Reaah · 03/06/2019 22:24

OP said somewhere at start of this thread, it was literally the other side of the world, from that I assumed Australia.

swingofthings · 04/06/2019 05:48

The stage they've reached isn't a case of keeping the status quo or taking the big jump, it's the case for OP of what is the less of two potential evils. Her happy comfy life is gone because if she refuses, she'll either become a single parent or have a very unhappy marriage bringing on a lot of stress.

If she goes, she is risking not being happy there at all and struggling to come back with her kids. Saying that 5here was a long thread of someone who did exactly that a couple of months ago.

No one but you OP can make the decision of which lesser evil the two are. I get what you oh said that he wished the offer had never come because now turning it down means him not only miserable still at his job for who knows how long, but massively resentful of you for having taken away his chance to happiness.

KatherineJaneway · 04/06/2019 06:41

its precarious enough to be a bad option for supporting a family.

You see his job as primarily for supporting his family, this is his dream, I bet he has a very different view.

yoursworried · 04/06/2019 07:50

I'd be bored shitless in Singapore

Why? Have you lived there? It's a great place to live with young kids and cheap flights to the rest of Asia! I think if it was sing then the op should def go!

Mooey89 · 04/06/2019 08:06

OP where is it?
My advice will be very different if it’s Australia/NZ/Canada etc than if it’s somewhere in the ME

Mix56 · 04/06/2019 08:19

My brother British, with wife, & 2DCs met and wed in Canada (university post, totally unique engineering niche) he then got an offer to move to Oz, they loved Canada, they are big "outdoor" people. the youngest was a toddler, SIL is Canadian. Most of family In Canada.
They went, sold their house,, SIL sold her small micro company. They loved OZ too, & made many good life long friends, however the job was stressful due to underfunding, & they moved back to another part of Canada after 8 years. (Brother looked for a new job as he decided it had to change)
A whole new start as nowhere near the original location & set of friends. They are now all happy with job & new network. kids both been to Uni, one just qualified as a doctor.
I think they will stay in Canada when they retire though will move out of the city
They both say its been an adventure the kids are globetrotters now.
I would say the reason for their successful "journey" is that they are a tight loving unit. & SIL is a do-er & fixer

Mix56 · 04/06/2019 08:27

I have asked OP where. Twice. She is refusing to divulge even the culture which is deliberately obtuse.
She hasn't said how she or kids felt after preview visit which would be a big factor.
She doesn't really want anyone's opinion, just validation.

SnuggyBuggy · 04/06/2019 08:40

I'm wondering if the OPs difficult communication style is part of the issue. I mean if she communicate with DH in a similar way no wonder they aren't getting anywhere with making a decision on this.

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 08:55

Mix56, you have summed it up quite nicely there.

I am a trailing spouse, have been a few times now, and will do it again. But I do believe you have to be quite open minded and have a strong will to get on with things. Some places have been more challenging than others, and you do rely on each other more than being at home, having a strong marriage IMO is a must.

The OP really needs to sit down and have a good long talk with her DH, if she does decide not to go to this mystical place, how much will DH resent the lost opportunity for the whole family?

Will him not taking up the position impact on his future prospects, if another opportunity should come along to go overseas would it again be turned down?

Which country etc. would help others to give more specific advice, but I dont think that would be forthcoming, that and general advice on being an ex-pat. But sure those of us who have been in the position of moving to another country, well our advice would be useless really unless more info is given.

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 08:59

Should also add, that yes I think the OP is being selfish and not supporting her husband.

Original poster
coco123456789 · 04/06/2019 09:12

It is Australia. The idea of going is making me physically sick every morning. It’s just not a country I especially like or enjoy being in. It’s expensive, and the houses there are nothing better than we have now, so no lifestyle pull. DH doesn’t want to move away especially, he wants the job. If the job was in the UK he would have accepted it immediately. For him the motivation isn’t moving abroad, but the job itself. So there is no lure of lifestyle or anything for us. It’s not like we think we would be having BBQs and sunbathing every day or something. Life would be the same as it is here, no more disposable income, no bigger house, just miles and miles away.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 04/06/2019 09:19

So if he is not particularly bothered by the country would he just be putting all his energy into his job, OP? Seems one hell of a long way to go, if you are not going to have any different way of life

Sonicknuckles · 04/06/2019 09:41

Should also add, that yes I think the OP is being selfish and not supporting her husband

No she is not! OP you have to trust your own judgement on this. Just because your husband pays the bills does not mean you should have to put up and shut up. If moving to Australia would not make you happy I wouldn't move either. It's a big deal.

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 09:43

Sounds like a no then, DH does not want to move away, you dont like what you saw on your 'reccy', would be the same old, just in a different country you have said you dont like and would get nothing from.

Either, stay with the job in the UK, he looks maybe for another position in the UK, or he goes on his own.

Todamhottoday · 04/06/2019 09:46

Soni, Indeed that is my opinion, she asked the question those are my thoughts. I can speak from many years of experience having to do exactly this.

But the OP has to make up her own mind, being an ex-pat no matter where it is, is not for everyone

StormTreader · 04/06/2019 09:50

That's twice you've mentioned a bigger house as if that' the only factor that really matters when moving. "Near to my parents, big house". If those are the only factors you're measuring against then obviously you won't want to go!

Australia is a whole other country, its not all desert scrubland. I assume you'd be in one of the cities on the coast where there's a lot of culture and events, not to mention the amazing beaches and sunshine! If your thoughts are that you'd move out there and just sit in the house all day then no wonder it sounds rubbish to you, you'd need to get out there.

GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2019 09:53

Ffs.
The more I read. It's all about his job. Not even he wants to go...

You'd be crazy to go there. He needs to start thinking what changes he can make here.