To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Sorry.. busy with the kids! I don’t think he could go ahead without us. He doesn’t want want to live away and we don’t want that either. We wouldn’t even like one of those set ups where husband stays in town during the working week or something. He wants to live with his family. We both wish this offer had never come - because we both know that to turn it down would be career suicide as someone said earlier.

So go and accept that you are doing for your oh. If you and the kids hate it as much as he is miserable at work at the moment, he will owe you to come back in 3 years as much as you've agreed to move for him in the first place.

Turning down one job offer should never be career suicide. It’s a very precarious career if so.
Several recent posters saying OP should go for a set amount of time and return if not working out, but of course we know that the OP would have no automatic right to return without her dh and with her dc.

You need to properly talk it out with him and maybe a trusted friend and go over all the potential scenarios as you don't seem able to do that on here.

"Turning down one job offer should never be career suicide. It’s a very precarious career if so."

Exactly.

We both wish this offer had never come

He doesn't wish that does he? I know you do, it's a hassle. I've been in your shoes, gone and loved every second in the end. The benefits of overseas experience are difficult to explain until you've tried it, and you tend to only regret the things you don't do in life. Your children will never be this young and flexible again and you could open doors for yourself that you never knew were here.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself, OP. Unless I’ve missed it, you’ve studiously avoided responding to the posters who’ve warned you about what happens if your marriage breaks down.

You have said that there are tensions in your marriage. What happens if the move doesn’t make those tensions disappear? What happens if they are replaced with tensions caused by new factors? You could find yourself forced to stay in the country because he won’t let your children leave. Worse, you could end up having to leave the country and your children if your visa is tied to his job.

If there is any chance that the marriage could break down, the consequences don’t bear thinking about. But think about it you must.

It’s not a precarious career if it’s in a niche industry where reputations spread in a very small community.

This is a man who’s been headhunted for the job of his dreams, has been offered it, has proceeded far enough for his wife to be flown out to look at houses, schools, etc, has met the team. Now, after all that, he says no thanks because his wife doesn’t fancy it after all. His reputation will be as someone who’s indecisive and unambitious and he’ll be stuck in his current job which is already unhappy.

The thing that astonishes me is that it’s still under discussion. If I’d done this to my husband he’d be angry, upset and frustrated. It’s too late for second thoughts. It should never have been allowed to get as far as this.

I've done this twice. The most recent time was a bit of a leap of faith, we moved within the same country (US) from East Coast (NYC) to West Coast knowing no-one in LA. DH was burned out at his job and it was toxic and the move to LA offered the change to take a better job with a better work life balance. I didn't even think about not going and it has really been the best thing we have ever done. Getting him out of the toxic environment has made a world of difference and he works hard but also has time to himself. We were in London and then NYC and his jobs required long hours and work being the most important thing (not sure why people always claim this is a choice or being a workaholic, in some careers and locations it is just a given, I also had a career like this and know that it is far from a choice). I guess to me it would hinge on whether you will all have a better quality of life which is impossible to tell without more details. You say it will be better for his career but give very little other information. So many places really do offer a better quality of life than much of the UK and I am at the point that I could never ever go back there (and have met many other expats with the same opinion). Obviously there are other places where people would say the opposite and are desperate to go back.

What did you think when you went out there? I feel sorry for you OP as you’re clearly backed into a corner.

OP has supported her husband whilst he re-trains. She works part time, raises the kids and is meant to go off with her dh. Whilst I get he’s miserable and no one should have to be miserable at work why does his passion for his career outweigh OPs passion for their life? Or is it because he earns the money.

From what OP has said about planning it sounds like you like to know where you’re at and it sounds like a big move would be quite a big deal for you.

Please tell us what his job is that is so very niche.

It’s not a precarious career if it’s in a niche industry where reputations spread in a very small community

Yes it is. If you are seriously contending that turning down one job is the end of a career its a precarious career.

Unless the "niche" is Secretary General of the UN the idea that turning down one job destroys a career is either nonsense or its precarious enough to be a bad option for supporting a family.

He wants it all ways. He wants the OP to continue being his housekeeper/childcarer/etc whilst he continues to do all the hours he wants knowing she is being torn from the life she has built to facilliate his ambitions. Not to mention the loss of family. And if she doesn't sign up he won't go on his own so she gets blamed for frustrating his career.

And people think the OP is selfish!

Please tell us what his job is that is so very niche

Actually I think the more interesting question may be how he talked about his current team/job when they were new. IME people who are miserable at work are sometimes working with the wrong people but are equally likely to be the wrong person for the job.

It’s not turning it down per se, it’s allowing it to get to this point. Even OP agrees it would be career suicide to turn it down but, once again @CH, you’re not reading what she says.

A few people have discussed this, but as an ex-expat trailing spouse who went through it, i can't emphasize enough that you MUST find out your legal rights with regard to your children and possible separation/divorce.

I was pregnant when I followed XH to the US, and of course didn't go thinking he would have an affair with a colleague while on numerous lengthy business trips, help little to none with DS when he was home (he was entitled to 2 weeks paternity leave but refused to take it, never got up in the night with him once til he was about 5 years old but wondered why i was always tired from lack of sleep, couldn't look after DS by himself without calling me to find out when i was coming back and on and on), or that he would prevent me from returning to our home country with DS, or that he would refuse to let us leave unless i accepted reduced child support while restricting us geographically to pretty much the most expensive city possible (while he's on $250k salary). even when separation was first being discusses, XH of course spouted nonsense about how he wanted to do the right thing...

All these pp who state outright that they would never be with someone who could do that - that's exactly the point, you never know how someone is going to react to that kind of situation. I was sitting on my high horse until it happened to me too.

I ended up trapped in the US for a year more trying to get divorced and permission to leave with DS because XH turned spiteful because I dared to leave him. my legals bills are at about $80,000 and i'm not done yet as he is trying to prevent me from getting my share of marital assets that have been ordered divided.

if i did not move money when i found out about the affair, i would also have gone into serious debt to get divorced as he immediately emptied the joint bank accounts and moved his payroll as soon as he knew it was over. as one pp said, if you do go, make sure you have a getaway fund just in case - if it never gets used, great.

And from the outside, I also had a "lovely" life, funded by his job. Except he would not have the benefits of that lovely life and the time/energy to devote to advancing his career (at the expense of my own) if I hadn't done literally 99% of our life admin and 100% of childcare.

in addition, once you yourself become ordinarily resident in a country, your marriage/divorce potentially also becomes subject to that jurisdiction, i.e. you may not get as favourable terms as in the UK. and that is entirely dependent on where you are moving to (within the US, it varies even state by state).

I realize this is worst case scenario, but I really wish I had known to at least think about it before I moved, instead of being blindsided.

Honestly don’t understand why this would be career suicide if he turns down. I realise it’s late in the day but emigrating with kids is a monumental life change, it would be understandable if he went back to say he couldn’t do it for family reasons - yes they might be annoyed but I can’t see how it eliminates all future job prospects.

And if he is miserable and stressed now why does he want a promotion to the top job anyway... sounds like you are not short of cash

If you both want to maintain your current status quo re work and childcare, you have to seriously consider this move. If he’s really not happy yet doesn’t want to move to an easier role, he’s backing himself into a corner. He needs to acknowledge that his ambition is the reason for a big life change that you don’t want and that will hugely impact the whole family. Conversely, you don’t want to take on more of the financial burden and want to be able to stay home with your children as much as possible. So as a couple you are both clear about how you want to live and are on the same page about it. So the choice you have to maintain this is for him to be unhappy at work, or for you to risk moving with him.

If you choose to move, make sure the school places are secure. Are they paid for? Or is it a place where you can definitely secure a decent state school for your children?

It would be pretty helpful if you said where the job is. A lot of us have lived abroad and might have some more specific advice. If it’s East Asia, you need to make sure the package can support housing and school costs. A big salary will be quickly eaten up by those things. OTOH, help in the home is easily affordable, meaning you won’t miss having your mum around as much.

As a pp described, you need to future proof yourself financially in case of a divorce.

Otherwise, I think there’s a lot of fun and opportunity to be had by all the family.

I think those who all say OP is being selfish and it is a wonderful experience, what could go wrong, should read ExpatTrailingSpouse's post, very chilling.

Also for those saying it would be career suicide if he didn't take this job, I don't think I would want DH to work in such a career where absolutely no regard is made of his life outside work and family. Moving half way across the world is a huge decision to be made and involves his family just as much as him

His career does take regard of his life outside work, why do you think his prospective employer flew OP over to look at houses and schools? Why do you think they’ve offered her employment too? They want him enough to bend over backwards to make their offer family friendly.

It seems to me that OP and her bloke want the moon on a stick and are mystified that it isn’t an option.

But it would appear he has to take the job, otherwise his career would be dead. All because you have seen houses and schools doesn't mean you would want to live there. When you just move round the UK you can look at various areas and decide you might not like some of them.

Does a company that doesn’t even employ you pay for that, then? No, didn’t think so.

Has op been offered employment there too? I missed that

But if they didn't like what they saw, whether it be the job, the place, the location, do they still have to take it Alsohuman?

What I don't really understand is why, if it is such a wonderful opportunity, they don't seem to be able to confirm how long the contract will be? And what happens at the end of the contract? Where does the DH need to go for the top job?

Given that OP’s the mistress of drip feeding, we don’t know whether or not she liked what she saw. Nor has she said it’s a contract with a time limit.

I’m getting way too invested in this thread!

@Alsohuman - I'm so invested too! It's just all so intriguing.