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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
daisypond · 03/06/2019 12:23

Could you follow in six months, go at Christmas? That way the DC would be ready for the start of the new school year in January. I think that’s how the school year runs -January to December with the long holiday at Christmas.

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 12:24

Alsohuman OP said said that DP would stay if she decided not to go. Whether that’s what happens or not is another matter but OP probably knows her DP better than we do.

That does sound very far down the line OP. Has he accepted the job? When is he due to start ? Are you sure we don’t have the same partner 😆

fairweathercyclist · 03/06/2019 12:26

If your DP is already stressed in his current role, is taking on more responsibility going to make him any happier? Why is he so keen to climb the ladder even more if he can't cope now?

Alsohuman · 03/06/2019 12:29

Now that we’ve had the drip feed, I don’t think there’s a cat in hell’s chance he’ll turn the job down. His name would be mud in a niche industry. Turning the job down this far down the line would be career suicide. Add to that his current unhappiness at work, it’s his dream job and the last step before the top of the ladder, nobody sane would give all that up.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/06/2019 12:30

I am not saying move. I get why you don't want. but what do you want to change then?

This is a question for the DH because he is the one determined to progress this particular career path and to continue to work the hours even at the next level. The new job may or may not come with all the same problems he has in the current job - none of us know in reality if the current problems with his work relationships are his side or the other.

There is very little the OP can change - she could work full time but he still won't reduce his hours. He doesn't do this job to make a "lovely life" he does it because he chooses to.

The OP has supported him through his choice of career change, she has built a life (the "lovely life") which has facilitated his career. Now she is expected to throw this in the air on the offchance that his relationship issues won't continue at the next level (we already know that the hours will do).

That isn't a risk I'd take without a rock solid marriage. He has not committed to return at any point and she can't return without his consent.

I agree with PPs. Let him go, try it out for a year, then review the situation.

OP: when he started the current job, what did he think about the team then? Did he think it was a good opportunity or did he start with the anticipation of difficult office politics?

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 12:30

I do actually agree with you Alsohuman 😬

CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 12:30

no, I'm not being obtuse. Why do you think I am?

C8H10N4O2 · 03/06/2019 12:35

Add to that his current unhappiness at work, it’s his dream job and the last step before the top of the ladder, nobody sane would give all that up.

My DF did exactly that for us when one of our overseas moves was at a bad time for the family. He still achieved it a couple of years later.

I did that for one of our moves because of the impact of that particular move on family. It didn't stop me progressing either (and I'm pretty "niche" in the sense I'm known for what I do in the industry).

However neither of us accepted the jobs before thinking and talking through all the ramifications with the family proactively. I knew at one point my OH was prepared to go and see and would probably have been persuadable but it was the wrong thing to do.

So I guess insanity runs in my family. Or perhaps we put a higher value on family.

chopc · 03/06/2019 12:40

OP you were right when you said in a few years there may not be a job for him to come back to. An overseas promotion is not looked at in the same way as a local one.

However in a few years, if you are unhappy, will be be prepared to move back even if the job he gets is not a promotion or may even be a demotion?

SnuggyBuggy · 03/06/2019 13:06

I think unless you can make a decent life for yourself out there in the case you don't return to the UK I wouldn't go. As people have said he may be just as stressed and absent from family life in a different part of the world

Excited101 · 03/06/2019 13:27

Sorry op, I think you’re being selfish and I think you should go. Everything you’ve been adding in has been you desperately grasping at straws why it’s a bad idea to go, it’s clear you don’t want to, but your dp has devoted everything to this and it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity.

eddielizzard · 03/06/2019 13:37

Have you talked about the possibility that it probably won't just be 3 years, but potentially the rest of his working life?

Reaah · 03/06/2019 13:52

We have been there already - seen houses and schools and he’s met the team and everything

What do you think of it?

BorisBadunov · 03/06/2019 15:47

Is anyone else trying to guess what the DH’s job/vocation is, and where’s the posting?

So far I’ve got:

  • diver, Philippines
  • wine maker, Oz
  • sumo wrestling coach, Japan
  • Latvian orthodox pope, Latvia (obvs)

So OP, which one is it?
😄

swingofthings · 03/06/2019 15:58

Now suddenly he wants adventure and to seize the day etc.
This is a very normal state of mind when you've been miserable for some time. You start questioning why you put yourself in a situation you hate for 10 hours a day to enjoy a few hours at the weekends (too tired in the evenings to enjoy them) and a few weeks holidays a year. You reach that point when you think life is too short.

The difficulty in this situation is that you don't want to move because of your fear of the unknown. This much worse than not moving because you know for a fact you wouldn't be happy. You don't know that but seem reluctant to give it a go because you are assuming you'll be unhappy.

I think what you oh is trying to tell you is that sometimes, you have to jump to see if you like something. The problem is that you are very happy with your life as it is.

There really are no miraculous solution, yet you'll soon need to let him know where you stand so he can decide what to do knowing the consequences of his choices.

Mix56 · 03/06/2019 16:05

You asked for peoples opinion, but you are drip feeding info, it would not "out" you to know what culture this was supposed to be, anglophone, arabian, asian, whatever
What did you think of the place, what did the kids think ? Are they excited by the idea or saying they don't want to go....

IJustLostTheGame · 03/06/2019 16:14

It's not selfish to not want to up sticks, leave friends and family and move abroad for another person.
There has to be a different compromise.
I wouldn't go.

Cheeserton · 03/06/2019 16:20

So he's living a pretty miserable life to enable your 'lovely' one. I think you should support him. Dream job, and it's temporary. Sounds like he's supported you a great deal so perhaps return that. And make him less stressed.

Mummyshark2019 · 03/06/2019 16:20

OP, I would go for a fixed term of three years. Give him that time to do what he needs to do. Be clear with him you and the kids are returning in 3 years with or without him. The rest is up to him. He needs to get his experience and then secure the job back I. The UK in three years time.

I feel you need to support him in this but he needs to understand that this is not open ended on yours and the kids part.

janetforpresident · 03/06/2019 16:22

You should have mentioned you had already looked at houses and thatit would damage his career to not move. These are important factors. That said i still wouldnt go. I wouldn't have looked round houses though.

Mummyshark2019 · 03/06/2019 16:25

Yes, I would love to know what this mysterious job is that's so hard to come by in the UK.

Isatis · 03/06/2019 16:26

I’m starting to feel like this is a mid life crisis. There has never before been even the slightest discussion of a move abroad. Now suddenly he wants adventure and to seize the day etc.

But it's not really sudden, is it? It's simply the case that he has, I assume, wanted to go for opportunities to progress in his career for a long time. You say it's a niche occupation with opportunities very few and far between. Surely you knew that if an opportunity came up it might well involve uprooting the family, whether it is to go abroad or just to move to a different part of the country. If you didn't want that to happen, surely you should have discussed this a long time ago?

needsleepzzz · 03/06/2019 16:45

OP has your husband said anything about your point of what if there is no job to come back to?
Personally i would love a move abroad for a few years but that is a very valid point to raise

Charley50 · 03/06/2019 17:26

This is the most frustrating OP ever. Won't say where it is, what it is, that you've been already and looked at schools and houses (massive drip feed!) , what you think of suggestions e.g. he go ahead for a year...blimey!

MarshaBradyo · 03/06/2019 17:30

It is hard work getting a response, not sure why

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