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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:

TeacupDrama · 03/06/2019 09:22

@coco

do you really just think your DH should suck up his unhappiness and work in toxic environment so you and children can have the lovely life,?

I do not think it is fair either that your DH and kids have lovely life and you don't; but surely there must be a middle way
but all your posts seem to indicate you just want it to stay the same and you wish DH would just carry on working where he is and say it is a midlife crisis when actually it maybe a way out of a toxic situation for him, is there any other way for him to get out of toxic situation?
does he feel you don't understand how bad his workplace is or is he resentful not so much of a missed opportunity but resents having to put up with crap for everyone else happiness when this is not understood or appreciated

I don't blame you wanting to keep "your lovely life" but maybe DH needs a lovely life too and at present he doesn't have one, together you need to move forward to you both having "lovely" without either of you digging your heels in there are more choices than

move to other side of world
stop in a job DH hates

Thedilemma111 · 03/06/2019 09:23

Because he’s been working his socks off to provide the life she wants . And now he wants something from OP .

GabriellaMontez · 03/06/2019 09:23

He didn't always want a new job. There was no mention of a new job and certainly not of moving to the other side if the world.

He hasn't even tried to find something here. Not even looked. This is a total knee jerk reaction to an unexpected job offer.

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 03/06/2019 09:26

What would you staying and him working away from home look like? Could he work for eg 8 weeks and come home for 10 days?

MaybeDoctor · 03/06/2019 09:37

Some of the comments on this thread are ridiculous. The OP has been portrayed as lazy and living in the lap of luxury, supported entirely by her husband.

The OP has a cleaner - this probably costs £50 per week.
Ironing - £15

£65 per week on services hardly makes her the King's mistress.

Averaged out across the year, many people spend far more than that on smoking, alcohol, haircuts, nail and beauty treatments or entertainment subscription packages.

MaybeDoctor · 03/06/2019 09:46

I would also encourage her DH to think really carefully about exactly where the work pressures he is under are coming from. What will be so different about the wider environment of the new role? He needs to dig a bit more deeply into what exactly it will be like working there - a PEST analysis if you like.

For example, are the pressures and politics arising from a conflict between costs/profit making vs service delivery? In that case, a move to an organisation within a market-led economy such as the USA is not exactly going to deliver him the dream working environment.

The OP describes this job as being a passionate vocation for him. It will be fruitless to move his entire family around the world only to discover that he cannot stomach moral or ethical aspects of the working environment.

Alsohuman · 03/06/2019 11:34

What part of this is his dream job and he’s excited for the first time in two years are you all missing? If I were him, I’d go with or without OP.

Thedilemma111 · 03/06/2019 11:39

I say let him go for 6 months . Visit and start making a plan to move with the kids . So long as he is happy with the job after the 6 months / probation period , move .

You never know , the experience might tell him get the equivalent post in uk after a few years.

and for those that are saying that he hasn’t wanted a new job , you re wrong . OP very clearly told us that OP isn’t happy and is stressed In his job and wants a new one and a promotion . She’s also explained he is in a specialised field with few promotion opportunities in the UK but there is an opportunity abroad .

Why shouldn’t he want that ?

I would much rather know that my OH wasn’t stressed or heading for a mental break down from being in his current job , than hold on to my ‘lovely ‘ life so I didn’t have to change anything and let him carry on being stressed at work .

Clearly he isn’t happy and if he is considering going abroad , have you considered that he may be so stressed that he could be heading for a breakdown of some kind ?

And what happens to OPs ‘ lovely’ life is then ?

Original poster

coco123456789 · 03/06/2019 11:43

If he turns this down, it’s a big deal for his career. He’s worked really hard to try and get this sort of promotion, and now he’s being offered it, if he doesn’t take it what has it all been for? He has applied for jobs here, but they are few and far between and his issue is that there is a crucial stage he needs to do before he can get the top job. This would be the next necessary step on his CV as at the moment he hasn’t had the ‘deputy’ job.

OP posts:

MaybeDoctor · 03/06/2019 11:47

Because it might well be a case of ‘same problems, different place’ for the DH?

Because the recruiter may have exaggerated the possibilities or status of the new role?

Because this is an international move, not just a change to his commute?

Because although children can be resilient and adaptable, this doesn’t mean that parents should uproot them from everything they know without giving proper and serious consideration to the consequences?

MaybeDoctor · 03/06/2019 11:49

Cross-posted.

If he really thinks this is the real-deal, then he needs to go out there first for 6 months.

FlapAttack23 · 03/06/2019 11:52

Sounds to me like you want to go OP, if I were you I’d go or I’d suggest he goes ahead and join after 6 months or a year like others have suggested

CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 11:54

as a deeply unadventurous, anxious, stay-well-inside-my-comfort-zone person, I would say go for it! But I can totally understand your hesitation - but life is for living.

SarahTancredi · 03/06/2019 11:56

Yes him going on his own first will be the best option I think.

That way he can get past any probationary periods before you give up everything and move.

He gets to see if the job is really as advertised. Whether the stresses and strains are all still there despite being thousands if miles away. He can view houses and schools in all this extra time he thinks he will have.

Original poster

coco123456789 · 03/06/2019 12:06

We have been there already - seen houses and schools and he’s met the team and everything.

OP posts:

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/06/2019 12:08

I am like your husband. I would be bereft without my career and I am trying to get my head around what having children will realistically do to it; even if DP takes most of the leave and is a SAHD.

You need to find a balance between his need to progress and your comfort and need for structure. If he found a job on the other side of the UK, would that be just as bad for you in reality; as you'd still lose your structure and day-to-day support? It sounds like it might be.

I've worked abroad once, it was an incredible experience. I came home after two years to settle with DP. I didn't have children to take and DP didn't have any more reservations than the usual nerves, but I'd have struggled to turn it down and be left with no real path for progression. If he turns this down, you need to know where that progression will come from.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/06/2019 12:09

We have been there already - seen houses and schools and he’s met the team and everything.

Crosspost; and I didn't realise you were so far down the line.

Have you never wanted to go or is this a new feeling? Has DH known all along that you're not keen?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/06/2019 12:11

And what did you think of the schools and houses etc?

Alsohuman · 03/06/2019 12:13

So basically, Coco, he’s going anyway, isn’t he? Whether you go or not, your lovely life has come to an end because if you don’t go, his life will be there and your marriage is over.

CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 12:15

how do you know her lovely life has come to an end? Why assume that this won't be an amazing and positive experience for all the family?

Thedilemma111 · 03/06/2019 12:17

You need to go OP . Let him go and you follow 6 months later assuming he’s happy with the job .

You can create another kind of lovely there , and you never know , in a few years he might get another opportunity to move back to UK if you both want to , though don’t bank on it !

You never know . You might love it there !

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/06/2019 12:18

The start of the summer holodays would be a great time to go.

Alsohuman · 03/06/2019 12:19

I meant the current lovely life. Of course there can be another different one.

CassianAndor · 03/06/2019 12:21

so why doom and gloom? The new life may well be better!

Alsohuman · 03/06/2019 12:22

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

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