This is so similar to my position.
My husband is leaving in summer. I couldn’t go with him with how he was behaving.. not with a rocky relationship and him critiquing lots about me. He told me he’d be going with or without me as life here in uk too hard. We have had a tough few years and a lot on with a house move and unwell child. DH also has a new medical diagnosis with ongoing tests still running. I had tough HG pregnancies and probably some form
Of depression following it but it’s been hard to tell with how difficult circumstances have been. I am currently seeing a counsellor and that has been helpful.
Life here has been hard and he told me he’d be going with or without me knowing that puts me in an impossible position as I have no idea how I will cope alone. I work 3 days a week in a demanding job and no family support nearby . Our children are young and with illness have been incredibly demanding emotionally and physically .
If he’d have approached the situation differently I’d probably have agreed to go. But to feel bullied into it and with him not rating me I didn’t want to become his dependent and then there be a power imbalance leaving me vulnerable. Him having all the money and housing allowance, him having free education package for our children, him being able to decide if they can leave if I want to go or not. Would that power imbalance mean he’d feel he could push his ideas and wishes with parenting styles etc over mine etc?
I am sure if I’d have gone it’d have been a hopefully happy life for boys. Lots of benefits etc and having their dad there. I wake up most days wondering if I’ve made a terrible mistake as I wasn’t ready to give up on my marriage and I wouldn’t have left my husband even though his behaviour was unpleasant at the moment. I’d have stuck with him and tried to support him. I offered to work more days etc so he could drop from 4 days to 3 and me move up from 3 to 4. I suggested an easier Job he said no.
He wants the amazing package of this overseas thing and the excitement of a big move. Thinks our children will benefit hugely from private education and that Britain in going down the pan with brexit. That education is awful here. He says we could sell all our furniture etc we it’s all crap anyway then rent out house.
The fact he shows so little appreciation of what we have here worries me as it won’t all be rosy over there. I worry his health might deteriorate and then we’d have to up and leave. I worry he’d love it there and I’d hate it and he’d not let me bring children home. I even got offered my own very well paid per time job out there but I’d have still been his dependent as only one housing package per family . I withdrew.
I worry for the future now waiting to see how children will cope without their dad, with how I will cope alone with them. Not looking forward to the selfies form their dad and messages saying how great it all is. I’d only move out if I secured another job and that’s hard to do.. 80 people applied for my post .
But I had to make a choice for me right now and for me the boys security and stability and my own was most important . Moving to the other side of the world under ultimatum with a man being unpleasant and unkind to me wasn’t appealing when I’d be becoming his dependent and losing my own social support and independence. I’d miss being able to visit my mum who is a five hour drive away and my local and less local friends. I didn’t want to lose my job or their school/nursery places on his whim, no matter how attractive on paper.
It’s a big decision and I really think your choice depends a lot on the strength of your marriage and amount of trust and respect you have for each other . I don’t envy you having this choice still to make . If things were a bit better between me and my DH I’d have gone to support him even though I’d be very scared about the move and it not being my cup of tea.. I am a country mouse and enjoy the little things likes pottering in the garden 😂