To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

@coco I get what you are saying things are good for you and the kids and you don't want to change it

however your kids are young and unless there is a massive drip feed and you are talking timbuktu or Sierra Leone they will probably be fine with a move as most young kids are and rapidly make friends in a new place just like if you moved to Dublin

also how can things be better for your DH if you don't move? does he need to keep working in a toxic environment to provide the lovely life even if not mega rich because that doesn't seem fair, any more than it is fair for you to move if you don't want to,

you seriously need to talk so you can find a way for all 5 members of the family to have a lovely life not just 4 of them, one unhappy member is one too many it is not fair for him to be the sacrificial lamb

while you may not be mega rich having a cleaner, nanny and ironing lady does suggest you are at least on quite a bit more than average wages not millionaires but neither are you raising a family on 25-50K

To be fair why shouldn’t OP’s life be ‘brilliant’?

Well, I don't think that anyone is entitled to a brilliant life on the back of someone else's misery.

Could she have the brilliant life without her husband?

that's clear as day to me

Really? She has said more than once that the DH refuses to change job or reduce hours - that is the limiting factor on her hours (or at least the point which renders it futile).

She has not said that she would not work more hours if it mean DH being home more. However its pretty plain that DH doesn't want to be home more as the new job will not be less hours. His priority is not the OP or the DC its just his own career progression. What kind of parent throws the whole family's happiness up into the air on the offchance that he will be any happier in the new job?

one reason I think the OP should work more hours is because it sounds like they may well solit up in a couple of years, whatever she decides

Yes that is a good reason to up the hours - because having read OP other posts I don't see much changing on his side even if she does and they would be better off if he went to be godalmighty in Oz whilst she stayed here with the kids.

She has no right to bring the kids back home to their families if she or they are unhappy.

I really don't think some of the gung ho "you should go", "the kids will love it", "thou shalt follow thy master" posters understand what is involved in being a trailing spouse and family, especially when there is no actual end date. This is not a temporary relocation for a company its a permanent job.

She has said more than once that the DH refuses to change job or reduce hours - that is the limiting factor on her hours (or at least the point which renders it futile).

I thought she said that she doesn't want to work more days?

She did. This is classic putting words she never uttered in OP’s mouth.

I thought she said that she doesn't want to work more days?

Where? I only saw it in the context of DH's long hours which he won't reduce. There is no point in her increasing hours with its impact on the family if he isn't willing to do anything about his work. Not unless they need the money.

The one good reason for her to up her hours is because there doesn't seem to be a long term future to the relationship - the OP prioiritises family for someone who doesn't appreciate that and whose focus is entirely his career.

I feel a bit sorry for OP after some of the comments on this post. Her DH chose to retrain in something that is a passion for him (I’m very curious what he does). But is miserable. Surely there must be other job options rather than uproot everyone. Yes it’s not fair that he’s miserable but if the children and his wife are settled why can’t he look at something else in the U.K.? In the new country how involved would he be? Or would he just merrily work long hours to get himself established? I’m not saying people should be miserable at work if they can avoid it but why should his advancement come above his children and his wife? It sounds like OP does the main bulk of parenting so would be picking up the adjustment. I think either you’re both 100% or as close as you can be or your dh needs to exhaust all avenues of work here. For some people a job is just a job. We don’t all have the luxury of loving what we do.

“I love being at home and having a very part time role” p9.

Doesn’t sound much like someone who wants to increase their hours, does it?

Yeah I dont think I'd move tbh.

Hes only where he is because you stayed home looked after the kids and facilitated all this while he checked out of oatebting pretty much all together.

And now he wants you to move somewhere away from your support network that is the only reason you are able to provide him all this time to work guilt free, and potentially lose the ability to ever come home if he refuses to let the mods go with you if you split up, all for something you can't even be sure will change anything?

Nah.

Its very easy to say I'd be happy if we could move and do X Y Z but truth is no one really knows he will actually be any happier. No one knows if it's his personality holding him.back or his job.

And he doesn't really know what it's like to be stuck at home doing all the house shit. Honestly what are the chances of him getting this new job suddenly having evenings or time free etc and then actually coming home to help you with the kids?

I reckon you will be in exactly the same situation except thousands if miles away with no friends or family and a husband out all day. Only this time you cant go anywhere.

I could obviously be wrong but it happens.

He loves his work. Him taking a lower paid less stressful job and me working more isn’t really an option. He loves work and I love being at home and having a very part time role.

Here we are. The OPs post. I love being at home and having a part time role sounds very much like that is what OP wants, rather than something foisted on her by constraints of husband's hours.

I'm wondering just how much of a brilliant life OP will have if her DH has a breakdown and jack's his job in or decides that he can't stand it anymore and takes the job abroad on his own?

But you’re assuming the DH wants OP to change her role and she’s saying no. He might well be perfectly happy having his children raised primarily under their mother’s care while he works at a job he chose to do. So if that’s the case why can’t OP be happy with that? She can’t change his job stress for him, and if he doesn’t want her role or his job to change then what can OP do? It doesn’t mean she should be beholden to move across the world for him if she doesn’t want to.

She may want it, and that’s ok. She’s made it clear that his work is something he loves, and she’s expected to move across the world for his love but isn’t allowed to love her part time role in this country? It all hinges on if her role is something her DH has asked her to change.

but isn’t allowed to love her part time role in this country?

she doesn't. she said it not important and she just could give it up. she loves the life around the DC, spending time with them, seeing friends etc..but not the work. she could (probably would) make new friends in down under (or wherever) and enjoy the children there as well.

I meant part time as in ‘not full time at work, part time at home’ not the actual job.

The bottom line is she said she doesn’t want to go to wherever it is. Whatever her reasons that’s the point. He does, but for reasons that fundamentally benefit him. She doesn’t, for a multitude of reasons that also benefit her. He can’t decide she goes, and she can’t decide he stays. They’ll have to figure it together. In the situation OP described I wouldn’t go, but that’s just me.

Puddingmama2017

I'm not assuming anything. I'm just pondering what is going on and as the OP won't answer any questions pondering is all that we can do.

I am finding it hard to believe that there is only 1 company in the entire country where can DH can do this job. I am also wondering though if OP would refuse to relocate within the UK also because she seems to want to stay exactly where she is close to friends and her mum who she sees several times a week. So yes, I am interested to hear just how many conditions OP is putting on her DH changing jobs.

Ultimately though, she can't make him stay in a job that he hates, just as he can't make her move countries.

Hi OP! You've had a hard time with some of these replies! You are not being unreasonable in not wanting to go. It's a massive change for you!

One thing I want to mention is some friends of ours. They lived in our hometown and were very happy. Both had well paid jobs, but in opposite directions. He was having an extremely long commute though and after they had their first child, decided that they wanted to change something as he was never seeing their daughter. They decided to move to a village very close to where he worked. It meant her giving up her career, which she did because she loved him. He was promising them this amazing family life of having breakfast together, being home for dinner, helping with bedtime, being less stressed, less tired, etc. Sounded perfect and easy because the issues were all down to the commute.

So they moved. She became a SAHM. He kept his promise. All was great. Then the odd night he started having to work later. Then it became every night. Then early starts. Then later on a hobby that took him out of the house for most evenings not long after getting home, plus weekends too. My friend became extremely unhappy. I think she may have even begun drinking too much from messages I received! She was bitter and angry that she gave up everything and now she saw less of him than she was! They also have 3 children now, so her focus really was all on them.

My point is, you could move to the other side of the world for this better job with less stress/hours - but if he is so career driven that he can't switch off, he may not be able to keep that promise to you. So you may be in the exact same position that you are now - but thousands of miles from your home, your current job, your family...... yes you can make new friends, but you cannot replace your mum!

He needs to find a way of proving that things WILL change. If they truly will, then I'd consider going. But if also want to take steps to look into protecting myself and not losing my children if the marriage broke down.

Good luck.

Thanks everyone for all the replies. I think there is a misunderstanding that DH would like to cut his hours and me work more hours or something but that’s not the case at all. None of this is to do with money, it’s to do with his career. He doesn’t want to work part time, he doesn’t want an easier job. He wants to continue in his chosen field, but progress. It has taken me a long time to appreciate how important his career is to him. To me, a job is a job, pays the bills etc, but to him it is so important. He is very passionate about it. But he is also passionate about the family. When he is here, he is fully here. He is brilliant with the kids, can easily cope if I go away.

All those keyboard warriors saying to OP she should just do it.... Would you honestly up sticks just like that and move the other side of the world for a DH? I don't think so. Don't feel pressured OP.

@bordello, some of us have ...

@coco you did say that he was stressed in this job that the atmosphere was toxic due to understaffing and internal politics giving the impression that him staying put in current job was untenable as it made him too unhappy and his morale at work has been low for 2 years
you also said that "it was only because he has this job we have this comfortable life"

This is why several people have been saying something has to change you and the children are happy DH is not,

it is not right either that DH and the kids are happy and you are not
but somehow you need to work on something so DH can be happy too, it might mean moving but it might mean moving sideways in the UK maybe to another city
while most would agree it is not fair to expect you to upsticks from for example from Surrey to Sydney it is not so unreasonable to move from Surrey to Bristol or Edinburgh if that could get him out of the toxic atmosphere and though family would not be on doorstep they would be close
a tiny bit more info ( not on his job I know that would be too outing)
but at the end of the day you and DH need to talk on a solution together you are probably both going to need to change compromise a bit
if a present you are 100% happy with situation and he is only 50% happy you might need to settle on 70-80% happy each

I have no idea if this comment will help, but I've been reading this thread for a couple of days now. I have about 3 things you need to think about.

The question I'd ask your DP , and I think the most pertinent - is what happened after the 3 years?It may well be a fantasy job but what then? You need a response to that, and really so does he. A long haul move that will leave you all flailing around if the contract ends and then no job is a problem.

The age of your children - I am a child who changed countries in high school years. If your children are in high school, the move will be harder for them. No two ways around it. Past 14 or so, and it's simply not fair. I wish my parents had considered this.
My DH and I moved over 500 kms from where our children grew up, but made sure when we were planning our future that if we did move, it would be before they hit high school. Otherwise , we would stay we we were. We followed through on this, with our oldest going into YR5 when we moved. They settled very well.

Lastly, if all the spats in your marriage are down to you not supporting him and putting the children first - you need to have a look at yourself.He is making himself miserable and stressed so you can have your nice, secure little life with helpers ( who needs a cleaner and and ironing person if they only work two days a week ffs , unless you have a disability or a chronic illness , seriously?). He's given you this lifestyle, maybe you need to give him a turn? If he feels his job is a vocation, then it isn't a job for him and you probably have been a little slow on the uptake about this. You will be trying to compromise and change the person who you married, and if that is what you want to do, it's not fair and you should think about the relationship seriously. He won't be able to change I think, so it must be you that gives? Can you do that?

The children are 1, nearly 6 and nearly 8. It is the nearly 8 year old I am most worried about as if we are stuck there over 3 years then secondary school is an issue on our return. We have talked again tonight and he pointed out to me that I am a person who wants to always be in control, always know what is happening. I am not a see how it goes person, our life is planned and organized. It has to be with kids too, but to give you an idea, our holidays for this year are all already booked and paid for. I like to know what is happening and when. So a move overseas with no absolute end date is terrifying for me. He knows that.

Is it Australia OP? I think it's really relevant what PPs have said about the potential for getting stuck there.

OP how does he know it might be 3 - 5 years, why is there no actual end date?