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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
LostinNorfolk · 02/06/2019 17:24

I read yesterday but Haven't read through it all. So apologies of I have missed something.

Does the Op ever say where?

You need too see if on a local contact or an ex pat one. Local contracts are becoming more common- so no school fees, no rental houses, no rental cars, no guide to help you, no regular cw return airfares. medical cover etc.

Look carefully at what your money will buy. You will possibly need to pay a mortgage on Uk property and rent (unless you rent out but then need storage, cant come back from holidays, landlord responsibilities etc).

Look carefully at taxation etc.

Working hours are long in some cultures (including Australia which always seems to surprise people)

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/06/2019 17:26

This move isn’t for more money, it’s for the next level of experience.

For status/ego/own job satisfaction - entirely selfish reasons, then.

Again, OP, for about the 5th time, what else is your DH considering an option for improving his work situation and mental health?

Nogoodusername · 02/06/2019 17:26

The OP has a Nanny when she is at work. Not when she is at home. It’s the same as a childminder or kids in nursery. Not sure why every one is assuming she has a full time Nanny - she clarified that pages ago

MarshaBradyo · 02/06/2019 17:29

I have no idea if he’ll feel happier in this new job but I think mh matters and this kind of work stress that grinds you down shouldn’t be dismissed too easily

I couldn’t just write off someone’s chance as mere ego - but fwiw I’m on the fence about moving for other reasons - ability to return mostly

ilovesooty · 02/06/2019 17:31

I don't think the OP has ever said which country it is which might impact on the decision.
I'm wondering if he's a head teacher and has been offered a headship in an international school.
Although it sounds as though a refusal to consider a change might affect the marriage I'm beginning to think there is far too much unknown information to express a clear opinion.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 17:32

She sounds very unwilling to compromise. I agree moving abroad is hard and I would be hesitant but something has to give

Again - saying you have built a good life != to saying you won't change and the OP has never said she wouldn't work more hours. Someone refusing to consider any change certainly wouldnt be seriously entertaining throwing away everything they had built on a complete gamble.

Its the DH who chooses to work long hours and refuses to change his hours or his line of work. Even in the new job the hours are not going to change - its what he wants. The OP has not built a life to accommodate this.

What I suspect we would agree on is that an unhappy marriage is a bad basis for uprooting to the other side of the world where she wouldn't even have the right to return.

TheKitchenWitch · 02/06/2019 17:34

OP what happens after those 3-5 years? Do you move back? What job does he do then?

Moving abroad is a very big step and you both have to want it imo.

milkshak3 · 02/06/2019 17:35

yet, again explaining why moving isn't something she wants but again no word as to what she would suggest?

this should have been your post (at least it would have been honest):

I am having a nice life which I very much enjoy. I only work 2 days a week but have lots of paid domestic help. I live close to family and friends. DH is earning a very good wage financially enabling my lifestyle. Work is making him miserable but a great opportunity has come along. Unfortunately this is at the other end of the worlf. I do not want to move. Neither do I want to increase my working hours so DH could explore alternatives to the current local role. I prefer DH to carry on as life is just right for me and the DC even though it makes DH miserable. AIBU?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2019 17:35

I don't think anyone is dismissing the DH's work stress, however, there didn't seem to be any guarantees that this stress will go away if he gets the new job abroad, especially as it will involve a promotion. He may lose some of the internal politics but assume he will still have the long hours and more responsibility. In addition the OP may end up stressed with the move, so no winners really.

And all those people saying the kids would love it, I don't think I would have and DS wouldn't like it. He likes travelling but loves where we live more, and is always happier at home

milkshak3 · 02/06/2019 17:36

OP has never said she wouldn't work more hours

she actually did pretty much at the beginning of this thread.

swingofthings · 02/06/2019 17:43

Life for me and the kids is lovely as we live in a lovely safe area, great school, near family, loads of friends, they can do activities because I am around to take them
Is the issue for you that you feel you've worked for that stability and fear having to start again, or do you think that due to where the move is, this will be almost impossible because except for the family, all this you can have in other countries.

Alsohuman · 02/06/2019 17:55

I think what OP wants is for a magic wand to be waved over her husband so he loses all ambition and is miraculously happy with the stratus quo.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 17:58

she actually did pretty much at the beginning of this thread

Where? She says she has built a good life for the family, she says that financially she doesn't need to work but has continued to work anyway.

Where does she say she wouldn't work more hours? She has said that DH won't reduce his hours because the job is so much part of him and that the hours will not be less in the new job.

Ginger1982 · 02/06/2019 18:10

@C8H10N4O2 she said earlier in the thread that her working more hours wasn't an option because she loved being at home and having a very part time role.

Puddingmama2017 · 02/06/2019 18:13

Who can blame her? If she worked more then the kids would be distanced from two parents. If she has the option to be more available for them then surely that’s better?

Has anyone asked if her DH agrees with her working part time? Has he asked her to work more? If he’s happy with it and would like the same situation if they moved then it’s irrelevant really that she is also content with the arrangement.

milkshak3 · 02/06/2019 18:14

C8H10

Him taking a lower paid less stressful job and me working more isn’t really an option.

that's clear as day to me Confused

rainbowbash · 02/06/2019 18:15

If she worked more then the kids would be distanced from two parents

distanced from parents? because they go out and work? hilarious 🙈

Puddingmama2017 · 02/06/2019 18:25

Get a grip, all I mean is they have the option for OP to stay home with the kids, and she’s happy to do that so as long the DH is happy with that situation too then there’s really no need to change that and have the children in more childcare rather than at home with their mum. And while that situation is freeing in this country, it could well be too oppressive in another unfamiliar one.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 18:33

they have the option for OP to stay home with the kids, and she’s happy to do that so as long the DH is happy with that situation too

And there lies the rub surely? The husband isn't happy with his life. As the OP won't answer the questions it's a bit difficult to work out whether he would like the chance to ease up or change jobs or re train but can't due to the financial constraints or whether he is happy with everything bar the rubbish politics at work.

I do find it hard to see how the OP can describe her life as being brilliant while she says her husband has been stressed and unhappy for 2 years and that she fears he is declining though.

Puddingmama2017 · 02/06/2019 18:42

He isn’t happy with his job, despite the passion for the vocation OP said. But yes, the lack of further detail makes it hard to decide the truth of things further.

To be fair why shouldn’t OP’s life be ‘brilliant’? Her DH isn’t around much due to his choice to do this job so she has made her own life fit around this and enjoys that life. Obviously it’s not ideal that DH isn’t happy but assuming he is happy with OP’s role then there’s not much she can do to change that for him and it’s ok for her to be happy not having those same pressures. If this move would significantly improve her husband’s wellbeing by reducing stress then it would be a no brainer! But it doesn’t sound that way and I don’t see why OP should make the move when she’s unhappy about it and if it wouldn’t change things for her husband anyway, just take her further from her and her children’s support network.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 18:44

"they are young. they will love this adventure, they will make new friends."

NOT always true

I've known many expats and the kids are sometimes absolutely distraught, even young ones just don't settle, ever,
after being removed from GPs, aunts, their entire extended family

80sMum · 02/06/2019 18:48

I thinks you should go. It's not as if you're having to put your own career on hold for it. Chances are, you'll enjoy the time more than you thought you would. It will broaden your horizons and bring new experiences.

If I were in your shoes, I would definitely go!

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 18:53

The problem is that the OP's DH chose a very niche profession with - apparently - nowhere else in the Uk he can get a job Hmm

That choice seriously limited his later carer path and opportunities

Now, because of his limited opportunities, he wants to drag off the OP to another country
5 years is not something you can just grit your teeth over ig you hate it

This move will likely be permanent, if the DH is so sure there are no opportunities for him in the UK

We keep saying to women don't make yourself vulnerable by leaving your support network,- even worse leaving them such a long journey away

If the relationship goes tits up - which sounds likely even if the OP emigrates unwillingly - she would be in a strange land without support, in a far weaker position than even an SAHP in the UK who has given up work.

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 18:56

one reason I think the OP should work more hours is because it sounds like they may well solit up in a couple of years, whatever she decides

He is a workaholic who has just opted out of the family

hence better to have a career, with her own money and savings - in her own country - when that happens

BigChocFrenzy · 02/06/2019 19:00

Emigration can be a wonderful new life - if you go willingly.

Otherwise it is sheer misery that usually wrecks a marriage, unless they return home asap

In this case, it sounds like there would be no jobs in the UK to return to

  • or presumably the OH would have already applied