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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:

Bluewall · 02/06/2019 16:22

Well that would have to be the compromise. Take on extra hours and or watch spending a bit. Work out what is the most important aspects of their lives that make them happy and work from there.

This job has come out of the blue so what were you DH long term plans before this ?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2019 16:26

OP how often does DH see his parents, other extended family?

For all those saying go, do you see your family regularly like OP sees hers? OP maybe deemed selfish for not letting DH follow his dreams re his niche job, but isn't DH being selfish taking OP away from her family and support network. Different things, but both equally important to the respective person.

My main concern as I and others have already said that this job is not a secondment it is a new employer. What does OP's DH do after the end of the contract, where would he go, as per the OP he has got as far as he can with his job here? So either this becomes permanent emigration or DH has to find a different sort of job anyway

Oldbutstillgotit · 02/06/2019 16:26

I know others have asked however i am just wondering what the OP would like to happen? Something has to change so what should it be ?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/06/2019 16:28

@bluewall, that's what I keep asking the OP.

What was he doing to get out of his misery? He is clearly an ambitious, hardworking person with perhaps a talent in his area. Therefore has choices. Divergence from the proscribed career plan being one. It sounds to me that he needs a healthier relationship with work than he currently has. Taking a job that means everyone else has to lose things equally important to them just because it has boosted his ego sounds like the worst possible thing they could do.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 16:30

a few posters have asked this question. OP is not replying to that but just bringing up reasons for not moving. in her first posts quite clear that she very much enjoys the current life she has so I think we can assume she would be happy to carry on regardless of her DH

Yes, I completely agree. She appears very happy with her life, and who wouldn't be - a nanny, working 2 days a week, a cleaner, someone to do the ironing and mum on hand several times a week to help out. Sounds lovely. Ignoring of course her unhappy, stressed out husband working all hours to pay for it.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 16:33

She said upthread she doesn't want that either

Where? Its the DH who has said he doesn't want to change his work. The new job will not bring a reduction of hours either leaving the OP still with 100% of the home and family responsibilites without a family support network and school and friends where they are now happy.

I'm not getting why its the OP who is selfish in this situation rather than the DH.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 16:33

Well that would have to be the compromise. Take on extra hours and or watch spending a bit. Work out what is the most important aspects of their lives that make them happy and work from there.

The problem is, the bits that appear to be the most important to the OP are the expensive bits, so her only working very part time and the paid help.

Sounds like she won't relinquish those.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 16:36

Sounds like she won't relinquish those

Again - where does she say this?

The only person in this arrangement who is dogmatically refusing to change job or hours is the DH. His solution is to drag them to the other side of the world on spec that the new iteration of his job will be nicer in some undefined way. He isn't going to reduce his hours.

Nanny0gg · 02/06/2019 16:36

but it is not about the DC, is it? they are young. they will love this adventure, they will make new friends.

How on earth do you know that?

I would have hated it as a child, and so would one of my DC.

I note the OP's husband used to have a different job when they met. So he doesn't have to stay in this stressful 'niche' one. He chooses to,

Frusty · 02/06/2019 16:37

I think he just needs to go alone, work like the billy oh for a year and start applying for the “ultimate” job back home.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 16:41

@C8H10N4O2

Well in the OP she describes her life as brilliant and lovely so sounds like she is very happy with things as they are doesn't it?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 02/06/2019 16:42

The OP has stated she doesnt want to work more she wants to be at home. She has also stated that if they don't go her DH will just plod on. So basically nothing will change, although I suspect the DH may become resentful. This is why its a good idea to explore all available options and try to find a compromise that works for both of them.

swingofthings · 02/06/2019 16:43

Therefore has choices
This is such an naive view of the workforce. Many if not most high earners are so because of their specialist skills gained in a particular field. They are as worth in that industry as they are not in others.

This can mean being worth £100k a year in their field but hardly worth more than £25k in others. This is the kind of drop that is likely to mean having to sell the property for a much smaller one, changing location, possibly miles away, no holidays and overall a change of family lifestyle harder to adjust to than moving abroad with a similar spending power.

As for not understanding why some people care so much about their career, it's like people who don't care to have children saying they don't understand people's desperation to have children. We are all different when it comes to aspirations and what drive us.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 16:43

Is there no chance for your husband to work for himself or freelance doing this niche job? Maybe if you cut back on outgoings then you could support his drop in salary?

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2019 16:46

The OP has said she doesn't need to work but does so I assume money is not too much of an issue, so DH could possibly drop his hours without too much impact on the family finances

Puddingmama2017 · 02/06/2019 16:48

How would the OP working more solve anything if this is her husband’s dream job and he wants to stay doing it? It doesn’t sound like it’s the sort of job where less hours in the same role are possible. Op working more would relieve him, it would just take another parent further away from the DC.

OP, in your position I wouldn’t go. It’s too far to upheave your life and the DC’s lives for your DH to have his life with all it’s stresses stay the same. I would not say you’re selfish at all to want to not risk this. And it is a risk.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 16:49

Well in the OP she describes her life as brilliant and lovely so sounds like she is very happy with things as they are doesn't it?

And you assume from that that she is unwilling to change??

Good grief the woman is seriously considering uprooting everything she knows and loves to pander to the DH's career aspirations. I'd hardly describe that as unwilling to change.

He on the other hand has no intention of changing his own work patterns - this change is 100% for his benefit, not because its something which could benefit the whole family.

TanMateix · 02/06/2019 16:56

Sounds lovely. Ignoring of course her unhappy, stressed out husband working all hours to pay for it.

If he was not spending such long hours working perhaps she wouldn’t need to have such network of support around her. She knows that when it comes to the day to day stuff, she cannot rely on him.

I had a colleague who got a great job offer, did it for a couple of months and then had to hand notice because the wife refused point blank to join him. I thought she was a proper bitch but after seeing a friend spending over £60,000 in solicitor fees to try to get her child back to her country after the marriage collapsed over domestic violence, I am not able to judge. 15 years on she is still trapped in a country she hates, pretty much alone unable to leave .

And as for my colleague who had to go back to his wife... there was nothing for her in the move and a year later the division he worked for was closed and everyone was made redundant so.. they both would have been unemployed if she had agreed to the move.

Nonnymum · 02/06/2019 16:59

I think you need to put your children first. What would be best for them. Will they be able to speak the language in the country the job is in? Do they find change difficult?
Then you need to think about your husband is he a grass is always greener sort of person? Do you think he really will be content if you move or will he just be happy for a short while then fed up again and you will be stuck away from home and he is still fed up, stressed and over worked.
Also you need to research the country, what is the education system like. Are there playgroups etc for your little one, will you be able to get a job wtc
Think very carefully before you make a decision uprooting a family an Oving somewhere where you have no family otr friends is not easy

PumpkinPieAlibi · 02/06/2019 17:00

@C8H10N4O2 & others who have said OP is willing to compormise, see below:

coco123456789 Sat 01-Jun-19 20:17:36
He loves his work. Him taking a lower paid less stressful job and me working more isn’t really an option. He loves work and I love being at home and having a very part time role.

She sounds very unwilling to compromise. I agree moving abroad is hard and I would be hesitant but something has to give.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 17:06

If he was not spending such long hours working perhaps she wouldn’t need to have such network of support around her. She knows that when it comes to the day to day stuff, she cannot rely on him.

Really? She's got 3 children, 2 at school and she works 2 days a week. So for 3 days a week she is at home looking after 1 toddler. Do you really need that much help?
How ever do the rest of us cope without it?

What if the husband is working the long crazy hours in order to support the lifestyle that OP wants?

TanMateix · 02/06/2019 17:12

For me and you having a nanny would be quite an extravagant expense especially if not working or partially working. But in some segments of society this is as normal as having a trampoline in the garden.

I know at least three women who do not work at all and still have a nanny. (And still complain that the nanny is a bit lazy)

Original poster

coco123456789 · 02/06/2019 17:17

We don’t have a lavish lifestyle and he isn’t really rich. Life for me and the kids is lovely as we live in a lovely safe area, great school, near family, loads of friends, they can do activities because I am around to take them. It’s not lovely because we have loads of money but because it’s a nice set up. This move isn’t for more money, it’s for the next level of experience.

OP posts:

LovelyJubblee · 02/06/2019 17:19

If my DH got this opportunity whilst I would miss my mum terribly I would go with him and take DS too. What an amazing opportunity. Rent out your house as previous posters said

ineedaholidaynow · 02/06/2019 17:20

I assumed OP had a nanny on the 2 days she worked, not all week

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