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Original poster

To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

993 replies

coco123456789 · 01/06/2019 17:32

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

OP posts:
chopc · 02/06/2019 14:00

You should go

You can always come back if things don't work out. But if you don't go then you haven't given it a chance. Have s time limit - say 1.5 years. If you really hate it, you come back

Durgasarrow · 02/06/2019 14:09

In this situation, where he is the provider, I think you should go. And I say that as a feminist. He is unhappy in his work at present and would be very sad to stay. Your support now will be the making or breaking of your marriage and show if you love him for himself.

IWentAwayIStayedAway · 02/06/2019 14:13

Is this for say 5 years?

BikeRunSki · 02/06/2019 14:15

Your DH is down, works crazy hours and has no time for hobbies. That’s not sustainable. Unfortunately, that means that your lovely lifestyle is also unsustainable. Your DH has been offered an opportunity to progress his career and improve his lifestyle. This will push your comfort zone, but realistically he can’t continue as he is. This is too big to be a “What if?”.

BikeRunSki · 02/06/2019 14:17

Your support now will be the making or breaking of your marriage and show if you love him for himself.

This

Original poster
coco123456789 · 02/06/2019 14:17

My greatest fear is that there isn’t a job back in the UK in 3-5 years. If it was a 3 year assignment within a current company that would be an entirely different kettle of fish.

OP posts:
bordellosboheme · 02/06/2019 14:19

Is his place of work a cheap flight away. Perhaps he could go it alone for a while and sus it out before you all move. Don't underestimate the negative impact of giving up friends, family, schools if you are settled where you are etc

MarshaBradyo · 02/06/2019 14:20

You’re right to worry about that imo

yoursworried · 02/06/2019 14:32

Where is it op? Might make a bit of difference to the advice on here.
If it was Singapore or KL or even Bangkok I'd say go, hardly anyone stays in those places long term and 3-5 years is a great adventure in Asia. There's also tons of cheap help available domestically which might give you a chance to explore work or volunteering in things you couldn't have imagined.

Australia is a bit different. It's expensive there, and people quite often don't come back - it's more of a permanent place.

I'm generalising of course but depends if it's an 'expat' location or a more permanent type of place.

Alsohuman · 02/06/2019 14:53

In 3 - 5 years you might not want to come back. It could be such a good move for all of you that you don’t. As I said upthread, my dad had an overseas posting and my mum really, really didn’t want to go. Three years later she didn’t want to come back.

Upordown · 02/06/2019 14:59

Op, if you got a full time job, would DH then take a role to enable 50 50 parenting the rest of the time. I ask that because i know that the more hours i worked out of the house never changed the expecting that my dh would do any more. He would never do drop offs, appoitments, sick kids etc. It's not as easy as to suggest you work ft. Your dh would need to be willing to be a team.

DecomposingComposers · 02/06/2019 15:08

@coco123456789

So what is your solution to the current issue? Do you want things to just stay the same? Your husband isn't happy so I don't think it's reasonable to insist on the status quo just because you are happy.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/06/2019 15:09

You can always come back if things don't work out.

That is really dangerous advice to give to a trailing spouse. She would have no right to return the UK with the children without his consent. Just read some of the other posts in this thread let alone other threads on this subject.

Your support now will be the making or breaking of your marriage and show if you love him for himself

And if the DH loved the OP for herself he could consider returning to his former career, building a new one (like so many women with young children have to) or making other accommodations to recognise the existence of a family. instead of which his choice is to move them all to the other side of the world, continue to work crazy hours and gamble that he will be happier for achieving his status ambition.

Zofloramummy · 02/06/2019 15:13

Can you just say which country it is?? Just because the lifestyle, culture, language makes a massive difference on the impact on yourself and your children!

My honest viewpoint is that your DH is very career focused. If he is happier in his new job then that’s great for him. He isn’t suddenly going to start spending more time with you and the dc, or get a hobby! He will still be spending crazy amounts of time at work. If he doesn’t like the office politics in his new role then he will be just as unhappy.

For you, unless you really want to live in the proposed country then it isn’t a good move for you. You will still be the main parent to 3 dc and won’t have the support network and friendships you have currently built up to compensate for the lack of support from your DH. You will also potentially not be able to work. That reduces your autonomy and freedom.

Personally I wouldn’t go. For me there is too much to lose and not enough gain (ie DH being happy to be away for stupid amounts of hours and you being very lonely and isolated)

kbPOW · 02/06/2019 15:15

OP has already said 'literally the other side of the world' to the people asking about cheap flights.

milkshak3 · 02/06/2019 15:17

So what is your solution to the current issue? Do you want things to just stay the same?

a few posters have asked this question. OP is not replying to that but just bringing up reasons for not moving. in her first posts quite clear that she very much enjoys the current life she has so I think we can assume she would be happy to carry on regardless of her DH.

Glitterbaby17 · 02/06/2019 15:27

I wouldn’t do it. I did similar last year and badly regret it. I had a job I was very happy in and had been promoted before going on maternity leave, lots of support from family and friends when I went back to work 4 days a week, was in good health and routine. But my DH wasn’t happy at work, wanted chance at next role and it came up in Aus (he is the higher earner but I also have a good salary).

I agreed because he felt same opportunity might not come up again, it would propel his career up a level, help us with mortgage in long term etc. It has been horrific. I have a new job but not full sick pay entitlements and have been very ill, and will probably end up leaving with a bad reference. My little sister has been diagnosed with cancer and I’ve not been able to be there for her. My daughter has really struggled with the transition, been very ill a lot and misses my Mum - my smiley toddler has gone.

Far from an outdoor lifestyle people drive far more here, and I miss the ease of getting into green space at home. People are also quite insular and I haven’t really made friends despite joining playgroup etc.

Am so unhappy, have gained loads of weight as walk less and just feel sad all the time, buggered up my career and we fight all the time. If you really don’t see the benefits in it I would strongly look at exploring other possible options to help your husband - if you changed jobs could he do something locally that would make him happier?

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 02/06/2019 15:34

You need to consider that this move could be for life and not for 3-5 years. If there isn't a job to come back to why would he want to return? And you can't leave with the kids without his consent.

It's all very well saying it's for 3 years but, like you say, his company isn't sending him there for a while, he's taking on the permanent role and leaving his job here.

Glitterbaby17 · 02/06/2019 15:35

Also adding that in my line of work I travelled A LOT pre DC so it’s not a case of not wanting to be somewhere else - but around losing a support network, and in our case a few months into my return to work being a really bad time to make the move

AnnabelleBronstein · 02/06/2019 15:36

You are being very selfish. If I was your husband I’d be wondering why I was flogging myself to death for someone who doesn’t understand the meaning of compromise.

Thedilemma111 · 02/06/2019 15:39

I’d go . I think it would be selfish not to. , particularly when it sounds as though you could replicate your happy life abroad and don’t seem to be giving anything up to go , eg career that you care about .

He’s been down , not supporting him is going to send him further down .

I think it is selfish that you want him to carry on in a job that he’s not happy with when he doesn’t have to .

Sorry

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 02/06/2019 15:46

"it sounds as though you could replicate your happy life abroad and don’t seem to be giving anything up to go , eg career that you care about"

More internalised misogynistic bollocks

OP has a job. OP has all her friends and family, and the DH's family around her. A life. A happy life is worth more than a career prospect.

If the DH is unhappy it is not only this job that is an option.

Bluewall · 02/06/2019 16:06

I wouldn't go but that doesn't mean your husband has to stay in a job he hates. Can he reduce his hours ? Look for a new job in the UK, retrain or add to his skill set ?

I am the same in that I don't get when people put careers above every thing else. Luckily my DH is the same but his father was and still is a career driven person which is exactly why my husband isn't.

It's only a job. You may have to accept that he gets less pay but he should change his job and have a more balance and happy life for his own sake as well as his family.

To me he is the selfish one if he makes his family leave a life they don't want to to an unknown place.

Bluewall · 02/06/2019 16:09

And it doesn't just effect the immediate family but also all those who are a big part told your lives now and will be lucky if they see you once a year from then on.

rainbowbash · 02/06/2019 16:11

I wouldn't go but that doesn't mean your husband has to stay in a job he hates. Can he reduce his hours ? Look for a new job in the UK, retrain or add to his skill set ?

DH probably doesn't want to do this but let's assume he would, this would probably go hand in hand with a huge pay cut meaning OP would have to up her hours/cut back on help etc. She said upthread she doesn't want that either. so what would the solution be?