To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

@Hello1231 surely that is something that you would consider before getting into a relationship with someone in the military or before making the decision to join up?

It's not a life I'd be willing to consider and completely different to the OP's situation

I know, i am pointing that out to another poster who compared them- read my first post.

Ah sorry, I did read your other post but then didn't connect the two!

This is why I find Mumsnet really hard to use. It would be much easier to follow if we could quote each other.

For 3 years I would do it to support him and also the main family income stream. But I would want agreement and a workable plan to return in 3 years.

I think you need to find out more about lifestyle etc in Australia and the particular region you'd be going to. But look on the bright side, it's not a major cultural change and you'll still be speaking English.

It will be an upheaval, but your kids are still young and will adapt quite quickly. As will you.

I think YABVU and a quite selfish to not even give it a go. You've basically said in your OP that your husband is crazy busy and pretty miserable. You can make friends and have a lovely life on the other side of the world, I say that as an expat who has done exactly that! If you get in the way of this opportunity it might be ruining his only chance to achieve his dream and he might end up really resenting you for it. I think you should at least give it a go

Alsohuman she didn’t have children with someone in the forces though 🤷‍♀️

Did anyone say she did?

I won’t bother using a silly face.

You've basically said in your OP that your husband is crazy busy and pretty miserable

She also said he would still be crazy busy in the new job - the difference would be that she and the DC have been uprooted from the life she has made for them and their wider family. There is also no guarantee that he will be happier in the new job - the grass is always greener until you get there.

Alsohuman she didn’t have children with someone in the forces though 🤷‍♀️

Indeed and the DH wasn't doing his current job when she married him either - he changed career to do what he wanted.

I still maintain that the stability and happiness of the relationship itself is too big a factor to ignore. An unhappy relationship here is going to be a damned sight less happy on the other side of the world removed from your support network. She will also be a lot less secure in her own rights to return.

As for whether the children will enjoy it and find it a great adventure - that is hugely variable, some do and some don't settle.

I wouldn't unless you were excited and enthusiastic about the move. It is a massive change.

And there is no guarantee the same issues with the workplace and stress will not occur there either! Too big a risk to take unless you were happy to take this risk!

He shouldn't be expected to stay at his miserable job and you shouldn't be expected to uproot your life.

Sit down and discuss future plans, all alternatives. Plan ahead, how old are you both? Will there still be 10-15+ years of work ahead once the dc are grown. Are you able to plan for a possible move abroad in 15 years if a possibility crops up then? Is there a possibility of him working abroad for a shorter period. 12 months could be a possibility with you planning an extended vacation to visit him in the middle of it. I know you say its niche but could he relocate somewhere closer. Reduce hours. Make some kind of change.

Ignore all the comments where people are trying to make you feel guilt and obligation. Completely ridiculous, you work 2 days a week and do the majority of housework (a cleaner is not going to be doing all the cleaning in a home with 3 young dc ) and parenting. You are putting 100% effort into your family and your caution and trepidation in this situation is completely valid and reasonable.

Why is everyone assuming Australia? It could be eastern China or Russia or Alaska or Tonga etc.

🤪 there you go also

My husband has been in this situation with me. Niche field with limited promotion opportunities and i got offered a job overseas in a country we'd never been to. We made the move as a family 3 years ago with our two preschoolers. It has worked really well for us. However, i can see your reservations. We lived away from grandparents anyway so actually probably see them about the same amount of time as they come for extended visits. We also both worked and have continued to do so so he has a network through work. It can be quite isolating to be the non-working parent in a new country, although there are people who make it work well and depends very much on the area. I do wonder though if his expectations of the new job are unrealistic. If he is very stressed now and working extremely long hours is it really going to improve with promotion? Normally hours would be longer. Is there something about the culture of the new company that is different?
You might find a read of the threads in the 'living overseas'' section useful (under home and garden).

There's no way in hell I'd relocate for anyone else. My friend has been through this, constant discussions of relocating to places she doesn't want to live in, in order to support a career in which her DH gets angry, stressed and is unavailable to his kids.

What's the fucking point? Earn more money to buy more stuff while the kids grow up without you?

My friend has stuck to her guns, she already relocated for him once and now she isn't moving. Why the hell should she, its a sexist trope anyway. I'm aware that some women exist who live for work, constantly chase the next promotion and gave no idea what their kids friends are called, but we all know its 99% a male thing.

Just no.

I would much rather relocate where the lifestyle is likely to still be comfortable financially and try to reastablish a social network, then become a single parent, either struggling financially if still only working 2 days a week or stressed and overwhelmed too working FT as a single mum. That is of course assuming the love is still there.

I wouldn't go. He needs to reconsider his career if it's making him miserable rather than blame it on you? How are you unsupportive by focusing on the kids? Someone has to. Presumably if he's always at work and not around at bed time he's not really aware of the focus required for kids.

If I were you I'd be talking about him changing careers since he seems to have experience in other areas, and you continuing to work. I don't see why the only answer to his work issue is to uproot your whole family. Don't underestimate the value of happy kids in a good school and having family around.

If you do come somewhere like Australia and you're miserable, you won't be able to leave either. You'll be stuck here.

My parents left the UK for my dad's job and came to Australia with no family around. My mum was isolated and really struggled to adjust. Growing up without extended family was lonely. They both regretted it.

Is the job only temporary for 3-5 years?
What is he going to do after this time period when you come home will there be a job here for him?

It’s a really hard decision to make but I’m going to echo what some others have said - do not go if your relationship isn’t in a good place. Moving overseas and all the admin/logistics that go with it is extremely stressful and it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship. Particularly if your DH has a new job and will not be able to easily take time off or be flexible while he establishes himself there.

We are on our 2nd expat assignment, My DC are 9 and nearly 11 and for then it’s been a brilliant experience so far. Our promise to each other was always that it has to work for everyone and if it doesn’t we move on. There’s be no point DH having this great career if either kids or I are unhappy and vice versa there’s be no point him hating a job while we’re ok. You make a lot of sacrifices when moving away, I miss family and friends dreadfully, so the positives have to be there for everyone.

Our current country I initially wasn’t sure of so I came on my own with the DC to check out schools/houses and DH told me be 100% honest and if I didn’t want to go we wouldn’t go. As it was I saw enough to think it was doable and now 2.5 years on I really love our life here.

You need to properly talk this through with your DH and be totally upfront about everything you feel or are worried about. Maybe even make a list of pros and cons so you can both see what each others views are clearly.

There was a really helpful thread about a month ago, which really laid out to the OP the pros and cons. Everyone said that being in a solid relationship was crucial.
The OP also gave a lot more detail; e.g. job was in New Zealand, so she got more specific advice.

Yabvu OP, and incredibly selfish. Your children could also have the opportunities of a lifetime over there with schooling and experiences. Nothing like you can get here. But 🤷 if you're comfy here, right?

Yabvu OP, and incredibly selfish

Yes how dare the OP not jump at the opportunity to give up her life, her support network and everything she has built so that she can follow Almighty Man, whose main priority and time consumer is his career rather than his family.

I'd love to know how many people telling the OP she should just jump into this and assume everything will be peachy have actually done this, let alone as the following partner in an unhappy relationship.

"Your children could also have the opportunities of a lifetime over there with schooling and experiences."

No idea what country it is but apparently every other country in the world has better schooling and opportunities than the UK

My fear is that it wouldn't just be 3 - 5 years. At the end of 5 years it's more likely that he'll be offered another opportunity and there's even less incentive for you all to move home where there seemingly aren't any other jobs (there aren't now, why would there be in 5 years). I think you need to talk to everyone you can, and explore the idea from all angles.

Can you visit there for a holiday beforehand?

It's just a job. It's only ego and status-seeking that drive "getting the top job". Regardless of how much of a "vocation" it seems, it's pretty selfish to pursue that at the expense of having a decent relationship with other humans, and to the damage of one's own mental health. OP has gone along with and supported and enabled that already, and managed to make this work for her and her kids.

In a more balanced relationship if an opportunity like this came up it would be discussed amidst a range of different possible options. It's not all or nothing.

OP HAS your DH done anything to improve his circumstances/prospects/attitude to/experience of his work? Because in my experience being miserable in your job is usually at least partially in your own control.

It really shouldn't be Everyone Moves To Facilitate My Ego Even if they Don't Want To or bust.

Haven't read the full thread.

I would go however I spent my childhood moving for my df's job and it was amazing. My parents relationship wasn't the best, mum used to leave us all the time and I know she struggled a bit with the language issues/friends but she made new ones, got involved with activities and now with hindsight absolutely loved our time abroad.

Dh and I arrived in Canada (Alberta to be exact, 2 days before they had to close the airport due to blizzards in April) and I hated it for the first week. We were an hour out of Calgary on the prairies and it felt very alien to me. By the start of the 2nd week, I loved it. I'd met people, I'd found a stables so I could start riding again and when time to came to move, I didn't want to.

I would however encourage staying in touch with friends/friends of the children if you do go, social media is great for that. That way if you do come back in 3 years time, there is a chance of picking up where you left off. I'm still friends with someone I went to school with twice (in 2 different countries) and although we're now on the opposite sides of the Atlantic we keep up regularly. I would add that although I went to a lot of schools, I did very well academically...moving didn't effect that at all, in fact if anything I think being exposed to different countries, customs and languages probably really helped.