To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Individuals have different experiences. Some of them, overall, will be great, some good, some bad, some terrible. But the stats are pretty clear that moving schools midway through (and especially mid year) correlate with poorer outcomes. The more often kids move the worse the outcomes. If they have a good school they love the chances of it being a positive move for them is much diminished. Especially since this isn’t a “forever” move and they will have to do the same again in 3 - 5 years.

I think it depends whether you see the DH as being indulgent in following his career or as someone with particular skills pursuing professional excellence. He is supporting 5 people so it is not like a hobby. Most people who earn good money work long hours and have a level of work pressure.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about your individual and family aspirations. How important is the money? Is he trying to retire early? Could you earn more if he changed focus? Is this opportunity the thing he most wants to do or has it come out of left field? Is he as happy as you are with where you live?
There probably is not a universe where he works shorter hours and can still fund a lovely lifestyle, no matter where you live.

Find a compromise .

He hasn't even tried to find something else closer to home.

Yanbu. He is not more important than you. It's hard living abroad. I'd have legal concerns too.

Plus the hassle of trying to find schools that are not full for 3 DC of differing ages on their return...I can't see any outcome for this that doesn't involve the OP in hassle and inconvenience, so there'd have to be some sort of pull factor too. Unless I've missed it, there's been nothing about positives of the location for her/DC? Is the prospective employer offering paid for international schools? Is the salary tax free? Is there relocation, flights home paid for? Notice period?

I think if you want to continue your very pampered life, you need to accept that it won't happen with a DH working in a 9-5 office job on a 25k annual wage. you live e a very, very previledged life - this is usually only possible with a high earning partner (and these kind of wages don't come along without significant hours) which is fair enough.
but what do you want to change? what is your alternative to the status quo? or are you happy to continue your life as it is mainly because it suits you and the DC but take a toll out of the person facilitating it all?

we all know what you wouldn't consider feasible (moving, upping your hours, cutting back on luxuries) but what would you see as a possible alternative? I am so puzzled what you think what should change.

I never understand why people think this. Surely, if the SAHP stopped SAHPing, the family would just pay for childcare and other services (e.g. cleaning) if needed

Assuming they can pay - that is the point. And I've never found home help which does wifework.

The DH is able to focus exclusively on his career and work because the OP takes care of everything else. So if the OP starts working long hours how much slack is he going to pick up?

I honestly don't get why his career takes priority over the whole family - the OP already works and has not said she wouldn't take more work on, simply that she has prioiritise the home and family whereas he hasn't.

My husband and daughter did it for me, we lived five years in mainland Europe and it was a great experience.

Mainland Europe is a very different situation to Australia.

However I'd say the key point is were you in a happy relationship when you went? I would not move overseas to follow a partner (especially outside of the EU) when the marriage was not happy and I had no security. I wouldn't expect someone to follow me in that situation either.

I am not coming here to dramatise or LTB, but to say... have you considered talking this through in something like couples therapy/ relate?
We had similar descisions that we had to deal with and found a couples therapist unbelievably helpful. 5 or 6 sessions really helped us talk through what we wanted, what we were afraid of, and prioritize thinking and feeling honestly without second-guessing in a sort of neutral space.
Both of you has to be into the idea, but if you think he might go for it, I strongly suggest it. It might bring up some useful answers. Or just help you state what is on your mind, and really hear him out.

I'm an expat and I love it, as do our kids (6 and 8) but H and I both work (teachers) and I suspect it is harder for trailing spouses. That said, people (especially people who draw a hard line and say "This is for 2/3/4/5/ years only) make a wonderful experience out of it.

Wishing you all the best for this!

I don’t think those moving schools stats are relevsnt. The negative outcomes come from a proportion of those who move or move frequently due to lack of stability in the home which is really the causal factor in the not doing well.
Children who move schools internationally for parents with good jobs is an entirely different group and often do very well. If it is Australia there are some fabulous holidays they can take.

This thread really show how clueless some posters are to what work stress does to you. What a shelter life they must be living! Try spending 9 to 10 hours a day constantly feeling upset, stressed, worried, exhausted and frustrated, repeating the sane 5 days in a row after a poor night sleep in anticipation of the next day, waking up feeling sick the moment you realise its not a weekend whilst your partner is lying peacefully next to you looking forward to their fullfilling day.

It's all good enjoying the work you do but that enjoyment is ruined by office politics that mean you can't feel mentally free to get on with your work.

Saying that, I feel that however er much you want to hold on to your current life OP, you do feel for your OH and do wish he was happier. You haven't posted to seek approval that you should expect things to remain as they are but really want to find a compromise. I hope you find it together xxx

My opinion has changed the further down the thread I’ve got - YANBU, I think he needs to go and try it and you need to stay where you are with the kids, if that means separating from the marriage then so be it. I just wouldn’t be so quick to uproot my children’s lives in this situation, you may have to work more but it’s doesn’t sound like that would be the end of the world - it’s certainly better than moving to the other side of the world where you know nobody.

The issue is that your DP has all focus on his career, being supportive doesn’t have to come in the form of moving across the world to make him happy. It could be that you’d stay behind and do everything here for the children and house, it could be that you agree to ending the marriage. In all honesty it doesn’t sound like his current situation can continue, he needs to try this opportunity, but if you also go with things being as they are then you’re putting yourself at risk of not being able to return with the children of you wanted to. His mood and outlook seem to be controlled by his work, what happens if this opportunity doesn’t deliver? He remains unhappy and you’ve uprooted your whole life.

Ask him if he’d be willing to go by himself, it’s a temporary move and it’s a way of him escaping the life he’s not happy with. You admit you have a lovely life but it doesn’t sound like you’re being selfish or stubborn with regards to making changes to that lifestyle if you needed to. I see my mum a lot, she’s the main reason I wouldn’t move away. I value my family and I’m all too aware that they’re not around forever, I wouldn’t move away unless I was forced to.

The OP says she has a lovely life, not a pampered one. She has sole care of 3 young kids except the 2 days when she WORKS outside the house. I assume the person who does the ironing, irons DH's stuff and the cleaner cleans DH's house - so he's benefiting from the paid help.

Honestly MN is fucking batshit sometimes

so very true!

Life is too short for either of you to be unhappy. He should go and you should stay. He will regret it if he doesn't try and it will likely resent you didn't want to give up your lovely life whilst he was miserable. In turn, you don't want to go so shouldn't be made too.

It's a shame it got to this stage with no work on anything to change things. In his shoes, I'd feel unsupported and last in the pecking order.

It sounds like there's some fear associated with the idea of this move op.

Do you think part of it might be related to the way your childhood was?

Do you love him?

but it is not abou the DC, is it? they are young. they will love this adventure, they will make new friends.

you dont want it and you are just making excuses. you know it. At least be honest.

I agree.

We all have a different perspective on the prospect of moving abroad. For me, the idea of experiencing life in another country is very exciting but I know some people get anxious even at the prospect of a holiday abroad.

Deciding to separate is quite drastic if you still love eachother and of course, it means the kids hardly seeing their dad. Even if he works a lot currently, there's a difference between seeing your dad for a few minutes every couple of days and not at all for 3 months. There's also a difference parenting with another parent who does do a lot and parenting totally on your own.

How do you think your oh would if you told him you and the kids would not go? Would he accept it but be even more miserable or would he likely to anyway?

Did the OP say it was Australia?
Re: work stress. Surely if it's that bad he would have looked for something else by now, rather than waiting to be headhunted?

I am intrigued what job is so niche that the only opportunity for progression is 3-5 years abroad; what are his plans after that? For a job to miraculously appear back here, or for enough time to have passed that he can insist you all stay as it would be disruptive? I think it is absolutely fair enough to not want to go, it is a huge decision and I wonder if a lot of posters would feel the same if it wasn't just a hypothetical scenario and they actually had to consider it. It might be exciting for some, but if you don't want to be away from your entire support network with 3 young children then absolutely that should be understandable. It does sound like there needs to be some compromise though, is it possible you could work more hours so he can work in a lower stress job? Yes he might enjoy his field, but women are always expected to change their careers when having a family, why don't men? Yes he might be a high earner, but I bet that the OP would be willing to tighten the belt in order to stay home.

Re: work stress. Surely if it's that bad he would have looked for something else by now, rather than waiting to be headhunted?
Who says he hasn't?

I wouldn't do it. If you hate it and he loves it you could easily be stuck on the other side of the world unable to return because he (understandably) doesn't want his kids living on the other side of the world from him. Too big of a risk unless it is something both partners want to do. And refusing to take that risk isn't at all selfish.

If he really hates his job or is experiencing work related stress there are other options.

Some of us have not only considered it but had no choice. The forces tend not to take wives’ preferences about moving into account. And they don’t pay very high salaries or offer spousal job opportunities to compensate.

Just wanted to say again: you do sound lovely and caring OP. Trying to put yourself in his shoes and understand his position is lot more than many wives would do.

Some of us have not only considered it but had no choice. The forces tend not to take wives’ preferences about moving into account. And they don’t pay very high salaries or offer spousal job opportunities to compensate.

-------------

But there are support networks in place for forces' families, and how many 3 year postings are realistically abroad? Yes some, but its rare, and again, in that scenario there are support networks in place and allowances to travel back home which are funded. Depending on the trade wages aren't actually too bad compared to civilian jobs, yes the demands are more but with the top ups for being away etc it somewhat compensates for it. I know this first hand, in my opinion it is not the same scenario.

Also if you are in an area with a lot of military personnel there are some companies which give preference to military spouses.