To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Drogo how on earth is it misogynistic ? One partner is the person who earns the money , is in a ‘ niche’ industry with limited profession points admitted by the OP . She needs to follow him unless she wants her SAHM time to end . How is that misogynistic ? It would work the same no matter who was the main earner male or female . When you give up your career in favour of one other parent you more or less go where they go . Now she can say she doesn’t want to that’s fine but she may need to work again .

And it’s why I wouldn’t become a SAHM OR SAHD I I were male .fuck being at the mercy of someone else’s career.

And if a SAHP stops SAHPing the "long hours working partner" can't have the career and a family

It's just not true though. I think it's lovely if it works to have a sahp and everyone wants that (and certainly lightens the load), but there are plenty of couples where one or both work long hours and don't have an sahp, especially if they have family around or enough money for private childcare (and it sounds like op has both). What do posters like this one think happens with lone parents who have to work?

In any case, OP is not a sahp, but I think that unless there unusual specific requirements like significant medical needs, travel to a new location where one partner can't work, or very unreliable shift patterns, it's rare that a Sahp is a necessity - it's a very nice luxury.

My husband and daughter did it for me, we lived five years in mainland Europe and it was a great experience. We just rented our uk house out. It was great for our daughter to live in a different country. And for us, home is where we are all together.

I can't imagine saying no to something like this because I'm scared of change or like my life too much. It's a short term experience. Something that will help your husband. And will be a great experience for the kids.

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And if a SAHP stops SAHPing the "long hours working partner" can't have the career and a family

That’s not true though is it ? It’s a luxury for a family to have this . My husband and I both have careers and both contribute to household tasks and childcare things don’t just grind to a halt . It would be amazing if one of us could afford not to work of course .

I'd go. Rent your house out and go for the experience. It's not forever and will be an amazing experience if you go in with the right mindset.

If you don't go, it could be the end of your marriage.

I think yabu. I've gone to the other side of the world for my husband's job. It was a bit of a wrench to leave but we all had a fantastic time , I got an interesting job there that I never thought I would have a chance to do and my kids had an absolute ball. Your kids are young and you don't work much- what's to lose? I think it'd be a real shame if you don't go and give your dH that opportunity.
We are heading off abroad again in July for 3-5 years too can't wait!

Can you get a full time job and support the family for a bit so that you DH can have some time at home as the SAHP? That might help him get out of the stressful situation he is in and also put off the move abroad?

Oh I bet he'd LOVE that 🙄

ok OP, I totally get why you wouldn't want to move or change your lifestyle.

but your DHs seems desperately unhappy and has been given a great opportunity somewhere abroad. given how easy and great live is for you, i get why you don't feel the need for change. but do you think it is fair on DH to continue like that?

you were very clear that you:

• don't want to move
• don't want to change lifestyle (which includes lots of paid domestic help)
• don't want to incease your working hours (currently 2 days). you said giving up work completely would be no biggie for you.

We all know what you don't want to change but given the situation, something gotta change. do you have any suggestions at all or do you really think you are entitled to it all on the back of someone else?

You sound incredibly selfish to me.

And if a SAHP stops SAHPing the "long hours working partner" can't have the career and a family.

I never understand why people think this. Surely, if the SAHP stopped SAHPing, the family would just pay for childcare and other services (e.g. cleaning) if needed.

Yanbu. It's surely not necessary to move that far for his career move. I'd want him to look closer to home. Would you be willing to move at all, say within the UK?

OP, you know your DH and we don't. Be totally honest with yourself. If you and the DC didn't exist, what would he be doing re career? If he's totally career driven, there's your answer. I have met a few people like your DH, I think, and they are quite oblivious to what goes on in the home front. I therefore think it is reasonable for the other half to decline becoming a trailing spouse unless they want to. I thought the most sensible suggestions on this thread were that he signs for a year, you make some extended holiday trips there (the timing is ideal with the summer holidays coming up) and then you decide whether you'll all move after a year. For one thing if you do decide to go you'll get a chance to properly research neighbourhoods, jobs and schools without rushing into any bad decisions.

I speak as someone who trailed around various bits of England with my DM and DSis in the wake of a DDad who was climbing the greasy pole. Oh went to four primaries and I was quite unhappy at times. I am quite extrovert but in two of the schools it was really hard to make friends. It was even harder for my DSis who has some social and communication issues. My DM eventually put her foot down when we were early teens and said no more moving. And this was within southern England/the Midlands! Don't rush into anything without proper research, consideration and advice. At the very least you need to know if the Hague Convention applies etc.

Someone mentioned the kids and that is very valid. That is a huge fear for me. They are in a lovely school and are happy and settled. They love their friends and seeing their family. Many children are not happy and settled in their lives and so i really am worried about upsetting their status quo. Also the point it as people have said, I have built a life around his work. We wouldn’t see friends and family so much if he wasn’t at work. He sees this is an adventure, excitement, and is so buoyed up by it. It’s great to see him so enthused. But in all honesty maybe I do put the kids first.

He didn’t used to have this type of job. It’s not like when we married I knew what the situation was, he had a different career before.

I think that if you're not contributing equally financially and he is supporting the family, then his job had to come first. What would you do if he had no job? It would be different if you had a professional full time job.

OP you make a very valid point about the DCs. If you were to move, it's not a simple equation of your happiness versus his as it's also the DCs and the GPs who get to see their GCs regularly.

People trot out this thing about DCs being resilient but I saw a family next door to us where they moved every couple of years with the DHs work and the teens had stopped bothering to make friends or gather any possessions. Their DS age 5 was great pals with DS and he was devastated when they moved and took a long time to get over it. Apparently they then moved again after a few years.

However a friend moved to the USA with their family and they appear to be having a great time.

I don't know what to recommend other than I don't think you are being selfish to consider the impact of this on everyone.

But in all honesty maybe I do put the kids first.

but it is not abou the DC, is it? they are young. they will love this adventure, they will make new friends.

you dont want it and you are just making excuses. you know it. At least be honest.

Thing is when you have one parent hardly ever seeing the DC, why would you encourage the other parent to up their hours, and buy in childcare with the extra money.

There is another thread going on at the moment where both parents work horrendous hours so seem lucky to have about 20 minutes each with their toddler a day. In that situation why bother having children.

It would appear DH enjoys the sort of work he is doing and has signed out of family life. His stress seems to be due to the internal politics of his job not the fact that he doesn’t see his young children. I am assuming that would be no different if they moved abroad or OP upped her hours.

DH works long and sometimes unpredictable hours and so I have mainly been SAHM so we don’t have to stress about childcare, taking time off when DC are ill. Can be there for anything DC do at school, even their secondary like parental involvement. DH spends as much of his downtime with DC.

Sorry I haven't RTFT but I was a child who moved abroad because of my parents' jobs and I loved it. It was a huge adventure, I made friends easily, has opportunities I never would have had otherwise and the experience generally set me up for life, and I moved to a country that is not considered favourable on MN.

You will know your own children best but my experience is that young children are happy as long as they are with their parents and moving is more positive than negative.

I hope it works out for you.

*had

I think your DH seems like a bit of a man child to be honest - me, me, me. I doubt very much that you have been unsupportive and uncaring while you were raising 3 children, more that he couldn’t cope not being the centre of your universe anymore. Pretty unattractive to resent your children being well loved and cared for because it meant your wife not pandering to your every need

No way would I move for a man's career. You could end up in a horrible situation. Work on your own earning capacity and independence to fund a 'lovely life'

Just out of interest, what's your parents'/sibs' (if any) take on it now, Backwards? These international moves are tricky and what's great for one family member isn't always so great for others. I know most of the benefit of our moves accrued to my DDad, most of the costs on the rest of us, especially my DM who bore all the admin hassle.