To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

There’s not a chance in hell I’d do this because of the risk that my marriage would end and I’d be stuck abroad for the next 16 years trying to support my kids, having given up my career to support someone else’s.

What about the kids, who are happy here. Why is no one talking about what’s best for them. No one has even mentioned the children’s relationship with their maternal grandmother who looks after them.

It’s all “ oh no a man is unhappy, it’s a woman’s job to fix it “.

If the OP was unhappy in her job, would anyone suggest that her husband give up his careee to follow her to Australia? No I thought not.

Has the OP actually said which country it is?

@Drogosnextwife, op said her job is very transferable, she doesn't need to be a sahp. Also to the point, many posters haven't said to move - just that the status quo can't continue.

OP every time anyone wants to move abroad with their husband someone wheels out the Hague convention horror stories. Inform yourself and assess the risk, sure, but don't let the doom mongering be what stops you taking up this opportunity. Your husband could leave you and go to court next week seeking primary custody. He could tell the courts you have a drink problem and emotionally neglect the children. The only way to ensure your children can never be taken away from you by their father is to never have them in the first place.

I live in New Zealand, to be honest it was a bit of a struggle for the first few months. But it would have been just as hard if I'd moved 300 miles away and stayed in the UK. Whenever you move you have to establish new friends, networks etc. so the other side of the world thing is no different.

Visit where you might be living, try it out for a week or two. You say your husband is well paid, so with a nanny to assist in a new town you'll get the practical help.

The way I thought about the move was ... would I say "if only i had tried it ...." when i was aged 85!

@Stuckforthefourthtime

Well many have called her selfish for not wanting to move.

Except that if the working parent stopped working, the sahp life couldn't continue

And if a SAHP stops SAHPing the "long hours working partner" can't have the career and a family.

There is no suggestiong that the DH will reduce his hours or spend more time with the family if OP goes full time instead of part time.

As for comfortable life - that also goes both ways. He has a comfortable homelife because the OP provides it as well as working. The help around the house benifits him too - to suggest its all for the OP's benefit implies that household duties are entirely the woman's domain.

The OP can't change her dh job for him, he needs to do that himself if his current job is really the problem, moving to the other side of the world being the only option is selfish and unreasonable of him.

If the OP was unhappy in her job, would anyone suggest that her husband give up his careee to follow her to Australia? No I thought not.

Um, I would, it has nothing to do with OP being the wife/female.

I think the OP has actually said she has a 'very part time' job, which i understand to mean a day a week or something. OP hasn't said it's a career, per se. Maybe it is or maybe it isn't. In any event OP has said prospective new employer has offered finding a role for OP as part of package.

Your husband could leave you and go to court next week seeking primary custody. He could tell the courts you have a drink problem and emotionally neglect the children. The only way to ensure your children can never be taken away from you by their father is to never have them in the first place.

Aw God another load of shite.

What about the kids, who are happy here. Why is no one talking about what’s best for them. No one has even mentioned the children’s relationship with their maternal grandmother who looks after them.

Because men are the only people that matter? 🤷‍♀️

I think the OP has actually said she has a 'very part time' job, which i understand to mean a day a week or something

OP has said on this thread that its 2 days a week - on those days she has a daily nanny which is probably the cheapest option for three kids even with one at school Somehow having paid childcare translates to "luxury lifestyle funded by the poor wee DH"

Dexy - agreed the link is a bit horror story Esque.. the first bit of the summer of The Hague convention is what I wanted to share.

But I don’t agree with what you’re saying about it being the same risk as being here in the UK where he could go to courts spouting nonsense.

The red flag for me is that their marriage is rocky and so therefore it is something to be considered. I said earlier on that if they had a strong level of trust and respect between each other then yes consider going. Without that I’d be very apprehensive of going as would not want to be left in a vulnerable position.

The fact the OP s DP is saying if she didn’t want to go then he would stay and carry on is encouraging ... I think if I were in her position I’d be considering it to support DH if I felt I could be happy there too and had his full support for if I wanted to return home but it’s still a significant ask and one I don’t think anyone should feel pressured into.

It’s a shit position to be in and you have my sympathy OP.. no matter what you choose there will be no right answer and also there is no option for things to stay the same.

I’d be careful to make sure not to talk to too many people about it before you’ve really made sure you’ve had time to discuss it fully with DP .. others opinions are likely to be extreme one way or another like on this post and can muddy the waters. Especially of those of people who care about you and worry for you and would miss you greatly . And of those jealous of the opportunity and just shout go go go with no regard for your situation . Only you know it fully so try and find what you feel Sits most comfortably with you as you have to live it.

"If you had employment you didn't want to give up to go fair enough but just not fancying it when your husband really wants this isn't fair."

What bollocks. OP has built a life, around her DH's uncompromising prioritisation to work, that allows her to be a present parent, and in which she and her children are happy. Why should she have to give that up so he can ignore her in another country? Why is employment the only thing that's valued?

Whatever the DH does, regardless of his passion, at the end of the day it's still just a job. And I say that as someone passionately committed to their own work.

OP I don't think you're going to get reasonable opinion on this thread. Talk to your husband and work it out between yourselves. Good luck

You’ve said it yourself op your dh is miserable in his current job and working crazy hours and is unhappy. He has supported your lovely lifestyle as you have put it yourself, so really is it that hard for you to support your dh in this as you’ve said yourself he’s has supported your lifestyle up to now. Children are very adaptable and this experience could be a once in a lifetime thing. I think your being selfish not your dh.

*DexyMidnight

OP I don't think you're going to get reasonable opinion on this thread. Talk to your husband and work it out between yourselves. Good luck*

No especially not from you with the shite you have posted.

Drogo you sound common, wind it in

What strikes me about the DH is that, although his workplace is toxic and frustrating, and causes him untold stress - which has something the OP can do absolutely nothing about - it is the OP who is considered by him to be unsupportive as she is focusing on the kids rather than him. Well, thank goodness the OP (and her parents) are focusing on the kids, as he seems too busy.

If a global headhunter has identified him as someone worth transporting halfway around the world, I would find it VERY difficult to believe that he has actively sought alternative roles closer to home. His job may be niche, but if he is that unhappy, he has to find a solution. It is interesting that he was headhunted, and that this is why the idea was mooted. I’m curious whether he has been trying to improve his lot, or whether he’s just been grumbling for years.

I think it is fortuitous for the children that the OP has created a stable, happy home life with grandparents, friends, etc. And that the OP works and has transferable skills. She’s keeping the ship steady. I agree with Seaweed that her upping her hours/income would probably make no material difference to his happiness. I would not be confident of the husband making any great changes to actively improve his work-life balance. He sounds absorbed and tunnel-visioned. The family’s stability and happiness should not be so dependent on this ‘silver bullet’ move to the other side of the world.

If he were a single man, his job would still be toxic and stressy

Drogo you sound common, wind it in

😂 And you sound like an idiot.

In your situation I would move for his job. I say this because if it was the other way around and it was me feeling miserable in my current role and someone offered me my dream job then I know my husband would move for me. That being said we have both lived in various countries around the world so perhaps it seems like less of a big deal to move.

I think that living abroad is a wonderful and enriching experience, even if it's only temporary. I have never met anyone who has done this and regretted it, but I have seen posts on Mumsnet of people who say they have friends who have regretted emigration so i guess it can work both ways.

When I read your post OP, it was so eerily similar to me that I felt I needed to respond. My husband was offered a promotion in Australia having got a bit stuck in his previous role. I was very reluctant to move as I felt the kids were settled and I didn’t want to leave my friends and family. In the end I decided we had to do it, as DH has always been keen to move abroad and I knew he would need to get it out of his system. Our situation was slightly different as DS2 has additional needs and I had put a lot of work into getting him settled into an inclusive school etc in the U.K.

After researching what would be available for DS2 in Australia, we moved at the end of last year. I can honestly say the move was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life! We had as much professional and financial help from DH’s company as you could possibly get and I still found it really tough! You have to up end every part of your life. The wrench of saying goodbye to my family and seeing DS1 saying goodbye to his friends was awful.

However, now we are here I'm so glad we did it. The older two DC have settled well at school and we have a really good life. We have already had some amazing experiences on trips we have been on and considering our DC had never flown long haul before, they are all seasoned travellers now, even my 2 year old. I feel like we all have gained so much life experience and when I think of my life in the U.K. doing the same school run for years on end, working in the same job, it feels claustrophobic.

DH continues to be stressed and work long hours, I imagine that would be the same for your DH. We don’t seem to be better off financially as we are in an expensive city and our house in London has needed quite a lot of work while it has been rented out. All that aside, I still wouldn’t change the decision to come here and if we get the chance, I think we would all like to stay longer than the 3 years we came for.

Our marriage is really strong and DH and I have been though a lot together in the past, but I feel like we are happier than ever and the family is so close having had this experience. You do need to bear in mind the international law implications if you are concerned that it might not work out while you are abroad.

Talk to your DH. Find out what help you could get with the move. Your kids are at a good age to move and they would get a lot out of the experience, but you have to decide if you would be happy with the decision as it won’t be easy for you.

OP has built a life, around her DH's uncompromising prioritisation to work, that allows her to be a present parent, and in which she and her children are happy. Why should she have to give that up so he can ignore her in another country?

^^This.

He isn't going to be a better husband and father, is he? That's not what he's talking about being. He's going to enjoy his work more. This is not a whole family solution. The only one this decision suits is the DH. If he doesn't want his present role then looking for something else is very valid, but it needs to be a move that doesn't wreck everyone elses lives. Expecting everyone else to move away from the good they've managed to build is not reasonable.

No way would I be taking 3 kids away from my support network for any job, especially so young. Couldn't do it. And if you aren't comfortable doing it you shouldn't feel made to. There are other jobs in this country xx