To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

Surely the ideal scenario is he goes alone and comes home for Xmas and OP and the kids go out for as much holiday as they can.For the first year at least. If it earns the kind of money that would allow that.

The thing most people seem to be missing is that it’s not about the money for him, that’s not his motivation. He loves his actual job, it’s the working environment here he hates. This is his dream job, it gives him everything he wants. He doesn’t want to scale his hours down or carry less responsibility, he wants the job satisfaction this offer will give him. There’s no way I could deprive my husband of that.

I'm sceptical that a promotion and new employer will changes things so much for the better. However high you get there's always a rung above you and the same shit to deal with. And meanwhile a move would uproot the whole family. Not sure it makes sense, and I say that as a very career oriented person.

“I have three kids, I’ve done every combination of full time work. SAHM, part time, variety of numbers of days.
The more days I’m at work the easier things are - being home looking after three young children when your other half works long hours is HARDER than work.”

Hmmm this is only true if you have a very easy job! I have a very stressful job. Long hours, high risk, very demanding. Looking after my preschoolers is a walk in the park compared to work. And I don’t have a cleaner, ironing person or family help. Let alone a nanny. And none of them are in school yet.
OP it does sound like you have a very nice existence but your DH is miserable, and in a couple who love each other, that should matter too.

at 3 & 5 most women are back to work full time

Not in my world. I wouldn't put a 3 year old in full time nursery or a 5 year old in wrap around care.
Plus OP's DH isn't able to do drop off or bedtime so she'd be exhausting herself if she worked full time.

GoldenRule - how is feeling gratitude for a life of privilege unrealistic? Most people don't work at something they love that they're well paid for, many people don't get married or have children, even though they'd like to. Her DH has a lot of good stuff in his life, but isn't seeing that, just the negatives.

There are surely active changes he could make here to improve his life. Tbh I don't understand jobs being that niche, maybe it's my lack of imagination.

OP this sounds like the kind of career opportunity that does not come up often for your DH. Your current set up is clearly unsustainable as it depends on one person spending 50 hours a week feeling miserable.
What are your goals and values as a family? Is money or status the most important thing? Or for DH is it his vocation and the money is a side effect? From what you say, his connection to his career is a deep part of his psyche and he would mourn this missed opportunity.
If you do decide to move it will not help the DC if they hear you saying how lonely and homesick you will be. You will set the tone for the DC and you need to show them some courage and open mindedness.

Walkingthere, it’s all personal though isn’t it? Yes I very much find work easier than staying home with little children...I have a demanding (I’d say intellectually stimulating instead) job, but I can do such things as drink coffee, eat lunch and walk at a fast pace during my working days. I’m also benefitting from an opportunity to further my career and provide some financial stability, for me and my family, which gives me a good feeling.

When I was sahm full time that’s what I found the very hardest... really, not a single minute to think, unpredictable, stagnating pension... uncertain future...

But obviously the point is everyone is different and has different stuff going on which is why I find the op being treated rather harshly so surprising. Also many people read into her post that she was a sahm which was somehow interesting as she works. And also interesting that people view working parents as facilitating the sahp life when I saw it totally the other way round so wanted to point out that I personally do not find staying home with my three children easy at all! (Although I love it very much but it isn’t easy) And all credit to anyone who does it!

Be careful OP, he may decide to go alone

He already is. He is largely absent from the family doing the job he loves, he is frustrated because his family is holding him back from the new opportunity to work long hours and be largely absent from the family.

If his priority was his family he could look at other options but it isn't. The OP has never said she is unwilling to work more just that she is less career obsessed and willing to prioritise the family over career.

She might be better off telling him to go to Oz on his own.

No where does it say he is frustrated by being held back.... OP said he'd just carry on as he is...

He is not the bad one for being head hunted for a job which is a fantastic opportunity for him career wise and discussing the opportunity with his wife.

Without his money the family would not have the lifestyle they do and in order to earn the money required long hours are required... OP reaps the rewards of the long hours by having a comfortable life, only working 2 days and having a nanny, cleaner and someone to do the ironing.

How do you know that you would be able to return in 3-5 years? If there is a job to come back to, why isn't there one now in this country? It could go either way and you may enjoy the chance to explore somewhere new or you may find yourself on your own a lot because your husband is still working long hours and travelling.

I, reluctantly, supported my ex and followed him to two different countries but it helped to split us up in the end and the children hated living abroad and leaving their friends, although they and I were able to pick up the friendships again on our return. Looking back now though, it seemed like we weren't actually gone for too long. The - not being able to see your mum - thing would be hard to take though.

OP, I wouldn't go. I don't want to live abroad - it's an absolute no for me.

But your problem here is that things have changed in some way whether you stay or go. You won't be able to just plough on with enjoying your life because this has happend now. If you stay, there's this 'thing' between you now - the job he got offered and the opportunity that (in his eyes) you blocked him from taking. That's a big deal to get over. I don't at all think it's wrong to say that you don't want to live abroad, but I urge you - don't plod on and pretend everything has stayed the same - deal with the issues head on (his unhappiness, his absence - and this issue that has come up now).

I don't get the impression from OP she wants anything (career wise) other than what she has - an easy stay at home life with domestic support. It's a 'lovely life and 'a nice way of life'. The cost is borne by one working partner - who cannot continue as he is. The OP is asking if she is being unreasonable to be selfish.
Yes she is.
It's not just his career she is being asked to support - it's the lifestyle she is benefitting from.

"The OP doesn't want a career."

If it helps reduce her OH's stress, they should consider it.
She hasn't said she won't

His current situation is unhappy, but the solution is not to make the OP unhappy instead.

So try to find a compromise in the UK.

For those saying the OP should up her hours. I don't think her DH would cut his hours as it is not the job he doesn't like, it is just the internal politics. He very rarely sees the children, so the OP should up her hours so the children would hardly see either parent, not exactly a great life for them.

I would worry that they would be simply doing the same stuff, just in a different country. And for all those saying she has nothing to lose, yes she does, she could potentially lose the children if the marriage doesn't survive the move as she might not be able to take them out of the country.

For all those berating the OP about how she is having a lovely life at the expense of her DH, I read it slightly differently as he is being able to do the job he does as she is being there for their 3 children. He never does the school runs and is rarely there for bedtime. Do you think if the OP ups her hours, he would cut his, I don't think so.

If his job is so niche, if they go abroad, what happens after 3 years, will there be job available for him back in the UK at the right level for him? It's not like a secondment, he is going to be working for a new employer.

If it were me I would suck it up and go however DH and I would be writing up and agreement so he couldn't trap me where we were, allowing me to return home with both DC if it didn't work for me. I love him and trust him to death but fork the potential of being trapped in another country

There is nothing you can write up that is a waterproof safeguard against The Hague convention. If the children go and settle into their wonderful expat educations and new life and the DH didn’t want them to leave then OP would have to get a court order to allow it. Even if she had a strong case it could take years and by being an expat could be in limbo in terms of even being able to access courts .

Having something drawn up by solicitors before you go and that having that intent registered in both countries might help but it would still be a lengthy process and if children’s welfare considered better in country of habitual residence (wherever they currently live) then 🤷‍♀️

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2015/may/16/the-mothers-fighting-to-get-their-children-back-home-again

I can imagine a couple of vocational roles which would fit this scenario and I really don't think it's a case of DH being able to cut his hours or move to another role. He either needs to grab this opportunity or stay where he is feeling increasingly frustrated.

If he does take the overseas role and OP goes with him, things may work out well or she will, find it difficult to settle because she wants her old life.

If she stays at home and he goes, their children will suffer because their family has broken up and they won't have the relationship they currently gave with their DF.

If he stays in his current role, the current situation will get worse and resentment will grow. If the family splits, she will probably lose her comfortable lifestyle with cleaners and a nanny, but she will still have her parents nearby and a PT job which she's not really that bothered about.

So it really boils down to whether she is willing to compromise and see if the overseas role works, or risk everything by prioritising her current lifestyle. For those who think she won't be able to return home with the children if it doesn't work out overseas, it seems unlikely to me that a career focused parent would suddenly want to become a single parent to 3 DC overseas just to spite his unhappy partner.

I would encourage him to accept the role, set an initial deadline of (say) 3 years with the promise to return home at that point with or without him if you are really unhappy.

You said you are mostly a SAHM. You can do that in Australia. You're being quite narrow minded and rather selfish OP. If you had employment you didn't want to give up to go fair enough but just not fancying it when your husband really wants this isn't fair. You can return in 3-5 years but you probably can't pick this opportunity back up in 3-5 years. Your kids sound the perfect age. Give it a go!

it seems unlikely to me that a career focused parent would suddenly want to become a single parent to 3 DC overseas just to spite his unhappy partner
I don’t understand this - if they split, he simply has to refuse permission for his ex to take the children back to UK. He won’t end up as a single/lone parent as his ex will still live in Australia - she won’t return home leaving her dc behind. So he would just have the usual EOW or whatever.

What is it people always say on here, don't be a sahm, you are leaving yourself vulnerable by relying on your dh/dp financially.
In this case, OP give up your job, move to the other side of the world to facilitate your dh career choices, uproot you and your children from their family and friends where your dh could potentially refuse to let you take your kids home if the marriages ends.
Honestly MN is fucking batshit sometimes.

And also interesting that people view working parents as facilitating the sahp life when I saw it totally the other way round

Except that if the working parent stopped working, the sahp life couldn't continue.

When my DH became ill, however, my life as main earner had to continue, it was just facilitated by paying a nanny, cleaner and ironing helper to pick up at home (interestingly, these are also the people that the op and her DH already have in place, which is presumably partly why her life is quite comfortable at present).

If you had employment you didn't want to give up to go fair enough but just not fancying it when your husband really wants this isn't fair.

What utter misogynistic shite!