To be selfish and not support my husband’s career?

[coco123456789]

My husband has a great job but it is very niche. Opportunities are few and far between and very sought after. He has been headhunted for a job which is a great career move for him, and is the next (final) rung on the ladder to his ultimate job. He is over the moon to have been sought out in this way. However...it is overseas and I really don’t want to move abroad. We have such a lovely life. 2 young kids very happy in their (state) primary school, a toddler, family nearby, friends and a very nice way of life. I don’t have to work, but have always done a bit of part time work. The only issue is that my DH works really crazy hours and is really frustrated in his job as he knows he needs to move forward - but has gone as far as he can where he is. He is very very stressed by his job and has no time for hobbies. So I guess maybe my life to me seems brilliant, but to him his life isn’t and he really wants to fulfil his career goals and not work so many hours. I find it really hard to understand as I am not a career person and get no sense of identity from work. Am I selfish to not want to go? I am so scared of the upheaval. It would be for 3-5 years but even that is too long for me. It’s not lost on me that we only have this comfortable life because of his job though. If he doesn’t take it, I think he could become even more down (he has been very down the last couple of years and it has caused a lot of tension between us). In a marriage should I do these things to support him? I am trying to imagine what it would be like if it was the other way around. If I had a really strong dream and opportunity I wanted to fulfil and he held me back. I would resent him I guess. Anyway, any guidance would be great!

I think it’s always OK to say “no” to moving abroad. And what you describe - of your life, your relationship and your interest in it, I think you would be foolish to try. Also, taking school kids somewhere for “3-5 years” is a lot of planned upheaval for them and not really in their best interests.

I don’t think it’s realistic to think it won’t change things though.

Your DH sounds like he has unreasonable expectations around support for his career. His job doesn’t sound like it’s really compatible with family life and he’s only been able to have a family and the job so far because you have been prepared to facilitate it to the extent you have. If you already have relationship issues because he thinks what you’re currently doing is unsupportive it seems absolutely batshit of him to think he can ask this of you.

Perhaps it’s time to point out that he has chosen a profession that requires sacrifice from someone else without actually negotiating that sacrifice (and recompense) in advance and that he needs a rethink of what is reasonable to expect from others in order for him to pursue his own passions.

This cannot literally be the single and only opportunity the DH has ever had and ever will to change his work circumstances.

I can’t believe some of these replies! OP if you don’t want to go then your DH needs to look at other options. There is no way I would uproot my children’s lives unless I was 100% committed to the move. Your feelings matter too and there is no guarantee that your DH will be happier if you move.

*foolish to try going. Not foolish to try saying no.

I don't think that YABU at all but you need to think about what your marriage might be like if he turns it down. I was in a similar-ish situation in 2015, we didn't go, and it has definitely added a sour note to our marriage. DH mentions his lost job opportunity and the country he wanted to move to frequently which makes me feel guilty and defensive. I had good reasons for not wanting to go at the time, but now with a bit of distance part of me wishes that we had taken the gamble. Will he be able to turn it down and not blame you forevermore?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis and how is the career change going to be financed?

For hin to change career, op will need to work more and possibly cut back on the help she has.

If she is happy to do that, great.

The point is she knows he is miserable, doesnt want to move (which think is fair enough) but has no suggestions on how they can change things as a couple.

@MaryBoBary how is it going to be a better life for them both? It sounds like the DH is barely coping with the pressure of his current job and hardly sees his family. It will be, surely, many times harder in a new, more senior role, in a place where they know nobody.

I agree with Seaweed that your DH will take his personality with him wherever he goes.
He could feel gratitude, that he is nearly at the top of a career he loves that earns great money, has a lovely wife and 3 kids who he could watch grow up day by day, but instead he's allowing himself to become immersed in work politics and works too long hours to spend quality time with his family. Why would all this change just because he's somewhere else?

OP, I think you and he have a lot of talking to do. I don't think you're selfish in the slightest. I don't think I'd go with the (quite scant) information you've given.

no @holdthedamndoor the point is that there has to be a range of different options available to them, not emigrate or bust

It’s ok to say no.
It’s also ok if he decides to do this without his unsupportive wife. He can have the kids every other Christmas and you can do summer holidays and Easter on a split the cost basis like other separated couples.

OP - I am married to a lovely, kind, honest man, but he is without doubt an extreme workaholic. He is self-employed, so never really switches off. He is very successful and there are very obvious benefits in that we have an amazing lifestyle, but there is a definite impact on the family - we effectively live the rollercoaster with him. I know nothing else. It’s always, “the next thing...”, but what I’ve realised, having been in therapy for this last year, is that, for some people, nothing will ever be enough. They like to tell themselves, “If I can just get to x point, then I can relax...”, but the reality is they don’t know how to stop or relax. If they were forced to they are liable to have some kind of breakdown because the perpetual work and stress is their defence. It can be all-consuming living with this type of personality because they might blame you when they get an inkling that their work / life balance is wrong. They always look to you to “make it right.” They make you carry this guilt for them as well and you do because you feel responsible for their wellbeing and you’re acutely aware that your privileged lifestyle is facilitated by him, even though you know you have no real control over what they do. The truth is, you can only give so much. At some point they have to stop and face their own “demons” and take responsibility for their own happiness and mental health.
Be careful that yours not just about to transport the same issues overseas. If you go, you need a clear commitment from him that he will try and look on the positive side and not blame you whenever he feels things are too much.

I would say I would give it a year but as you will be out there on your own, he has to commit to spending more time with you and the kids.

Rent out your house so you can easily come back if you want. (BTW - if it's Sydney check out that the package is OK. Cost of living is very high).

If you do decide to return he will have 1 year's international experience in the higher position which he doesn't have now.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis but the OP is shooting all of them down and doesnt want any of them.

Doesnt want a lifestyle change, doesnt want to work more etc.

Something needs to change.

That's the point

I would go and really make sure i put everything into making it work. It will be a great experience for your children and you will all benefit from your dh getting promotion. In few years you can come back. I would say embrace it unless it is in a warzone. If you refuse to go your dh could become resentful and hold it against you later in life. Both sets of gp can visit and you can bring dc back to visit too. You can keep in close touch by skype.

but what compromises has she had to make to allow her DH to have three children?

She had 3 children too! Why assume she made a compromise - she might have chosen that option - she certainly seems to be happy with that decision.

@Hold . I agree with that, something needs to change.

I don't see where the OP is refusing to consider any change though? I think it is sad that her DH is miserable but unable to make any change for himself though, that be a change of mental attitude/approach to work/actual job.

Actually cannot believe the number of people saying she needs to be selfless to feed a partner's career/ego when it is clear that she has had to fit her life around it so much already. A move to the other side of the world needs to be something that works for everyone or it is doomed to failure.

@Stone, she's had 3 children on the basis they were living somewhere where she could get the support her husband is unable to give her due to being a workaholic.

Could you stay behind? I think I'm more supportive if his side- he is in a job which stresses him, with crazy hours, which gives you a lifestyle you enjoy. The promotion is an opportunity for him to work less hours, and not be as stressed and miserable, and get the the 'end' goal in his career. If he doesn't take this move, he's already stressed and miserable, and could theoretically say bugger it and quit at some point, or the relationship breaks down because he's miserable and upset. How would that affect the lifestyle you are now enjoying? It sounds like he needs to go, for his mental health at the least never mind career, but if you choose not to, can he go alone?

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis but she has. She has said her working more and him less wont work because of finances.

She has facilited his career. He is facilitating her 'lovley' life. But he is miserable so as a couple they need to figure this out.

In all honesty I woudlnt be moving. I am not saying OP should. But I think she should prepare for big lifestyle changes.

Either she goes, he goes alone, he changes jobs, orbit possible end with him having a bit a stressful breakdown.

He could feel gratitude, that he is nearly at the top of a career he loves that earns great money, has a lovely wife and 3 kids who he could watch grow up day by day, but instead he's allowing himself to become immersed in work politics and works too long hours to spend quality time with his family. Why would all this change just because he's somewhere else?

This attitude is hilarious.

He is shouldering all the financial responsibility and is in a job he hates yet he should be grateful ?

This is a really unrealistic view of life.

Be careful OP, he may decide to go alone.

@stone the compromise is a partner largely absent from family life and thus the impossibility of a different career or one in which her career is more centred

She doesn’t sound like she wants a different career or a career at all. It would be completely different if she had career ambitions and had been begging her husband to support them. As it is it sounds like he’s been giving her everything she wants while struggling.

Moving abroad would be a massive change to your life and some expats hate it.

I've worked a lot in Germany, love it and have since emigrated there
However, I'm single, no kids, no close family left, so no one else is affected

Observing other expats:
moving abroad only works if both parties are keen
If one partner is pressured to go, it usually ends badly

You lose the close contact to your family

Worst of all, if the marriage breaks up, your husband could refuse permission for you to take the kids home
You could be stuck in Australia until the kids grew up and your UK family has died out or drifted away from you.

Your DH will remain a workaholic, wherever he is

Suggest a compromise to reduce some of his stress but staying in the UK
e.g. that you would follow him to a Uk job,
or that you will up your hours to take some of the financial pressure off him

The OP doesn't want a career. She said she was not career minded